A/N (Super Ceech) Howdy, everybody! Here's the brilliant beginning to Spacewolf, Calum and I's screwy pairings fic! Here we shall make fun of every possible weird pairing we can think of or have seen in other people's fics. No offense is meant, but we do have a few issues to raise with the choice of a few of these pairings... So now, without further ado (except a brief A/N from Spacewolf who, by the way, wrote this first one–which is Sess/Kag), on with the fic...kinda...thingy!
A/N (Spacewolf) We decided it was time to make fun of all those pairings out there we don't approve of! We're not insulting you if you like these pairings, but we are here to spread humour!
Her raven hair splayed around her pale face. He'd kidnapped her from his younger brother. The filthy hanyou brat's play–pretty.
Sesshomaru hadn't seen her up close. Ever. He never concerned himself with filthy humans while chasing his father's sword. He knelt beside her prone figure and rolled her over.
He cocked his head aside, looking into her pale features.
Perhaps he'd been too hasty in ignoring her before. He'd never noticed before how her lashes made dark crescents on her porcelain cheeks. Her lips were like cherries. Full, plump and delicious looking.
He felt his heart, cold as stone slowly begin to thaw.
She stirred and moaned.
Her long sooty lashes fluttered open and she gave a startled yelp.
"Ack! What are you doing here?" she demanded, looking around frantically. "Inuyasha! Inuyasha!"
"My brother isn't here," Sesshomaru said impassively, rising to his full height. "I have abducted you!"
"What?" she trembled. "Why? You can't just go around kidnapping people! Why would you do this?"
Sesshomaru stopped to consider this question.
He shrugged calmly.
"Seemed like a good idea at the time," he answered.
Her anger deflated and she was more lovely still. Her cheeks still flushed with her previous fear.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked him with a frightened frown.
"Because I've fallen madly, madly in love with you," he answered.
"Ah buh?" she demanded him incredulously. "Do you even know my name?"
Sesshomaru stopped to consider it. "You know, I don't think I do!"
He went down on one knee and took her hand in his one and only hand. He kissed her knuckles and looked up at her beseechingly.
"Would you tell me your name?" he asked her. "So that my heart may know that title of that which I crave with all my longings?"
"Um," she said, looking rather uncomfortable with all the attention. "My name is Kagome Higa..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" he interrupted standing up and cutting across her voice impatiently. "I don't want your whole life story, lady!"
She fell silent, looking torn between annoyance and fear.
"Come," he said, grabbing her and flinging her over his shoulder.
As he didn't have an arm, she slid off and landed flat on her face on the floor.
"Oof!" she grunted.
"Oh," he said, looking down at her, by his feet. "Sorry about that!"
He left the room for a minute and returned a moment later with a large scaly dragon arm attached to his shoulder. He grabbed her and flung her over his shoulder once again; as it is a manly and sexy thing to do.
"As I was saying, come. We must now consummate our relationship! And express our feelings as we can only do with hard core nudity!"
She began kicking and thrashing. He ignored it and took her to his bedchamber (because Sessy can't just have a bedroom. Aw na! No! Sesshomaru HAS to have a bedchamber!)
He pushed open the door and gently dropped her on a small mountain of pillows. His bedchamber was all gauze and pillows. Silks and satins (for reference, please see your nearest brothel).
"I really need to go!" Kagome said frantically, jumping up. He pushed her back into the cushions.
"You never have to go anywhere else again, my love," he said in his deep, powerful, manly, sexy voice.
He walked to a small table and grabbed a bottle of scotch.
"Brandy, my love?" he asked her, offering the bottle for her inspection.
"I'm not old enough to drink!" Kagome said frantically.
Sesshomaru carefully poured all of the scotch into a large bowl and then began to drop in pills from a sweet tart container beside the bottle of scotch.
Kagome stared in amazement as Sesshomaru calmly drank the whole thing. Kagome frowned at him, waiting for him to pass out from ingesting so many pills and alcohol.
Much to her surprise, he marched to the bedchamber door and flung it open.
"Jaken! Play sexy music!" he ordered.
Obligingly, soft exotic strains began to fill the room. From the hallway, Kagome could hear a melodic voice in the hall begin to sing.
"In the land of Oz, where the women don't wear bras!"
Sesshomaru shut the door and walked towards her.
He gave her a coy, 'come hither' look over the band of armor, protecting his shoulder. He fluttered his eyes lashes and slid it down over his shoulder.
His armor obviously could use some oil. Nonetheless, he reached behind his back and undid the fastens on it and dropped it to the ground.
Next it was time for the sash around his waist. He slowly turned around and undid the bow. He opened it and slipped it down so it was covering his behind. He gave her a coy look over his shoulder and tossed it aside.
He then grabbed the end of his fluffy and twirled it around playfully, wiggling his hips suggestively. He grabbed the other end with his clawed dragon hand. He began to slide it down his back, shimmy-ing as he walked towards Kagome.
He threw his fluffy over her head and pulled her to her feet. He then pulled her up against himself and continued to shimmy.
He wrapped his fluffy around her and let her fall back into her cushions. She gratefully pulled it up around her, enjoying its vast fluffiness. As she fingered it, Sesshomaru backed off, dancing to the music.
Kagome decided that if anything too soul–scarring happened, she could hide her face in the fluffy. Or smother herself to death. One or the other!
He grabbed the edges of his kimono and slowly opened it, and slipped it off his shoulders. He caught it, before it had slipped completely off and posed for Kagome with a bare chest. Then he dropped it to the floor and gave it a contemptuous kick.
"It's not like I'll need it again for a while anyway," he said with an extra husky voice.
With a quirk of his eyebrow he bent over, presenting Kagome with a full view of his behind. He coyly began to undo the laces on his little curly toed shoes. Kagome thought they would have been cute except his ass was in her face!
It didn't seem to be going as he planned. He tugged at it, grunting in frustration, making his behind dance dangerously close to her nose.
"Dammit!" he muttered. "Stupid laces! I told Jaken not to double knot it!"
He grabbed his foot, tugging at the laces, hopping in place to keep his balance. He tugged viciously and had to lean wildly to one side to keep upright. He straightened up and kicked a cushion.
Unfortunately the cushion was hiding a large book entitled Kama Sutra. Kagome was about to check it out and see if it was any good, but she didn't want to move and attract Sesshomaru's attention.
Sesshomaru began to walk innocently about the room, hands clasped behind his back as if he didn't care about his shoes.
With a sudden jolt he kicked up and grabbed his foot, tugging at the shoe, growling curses under his breath.
"Frikafracka!" he growled.
In a flash of inspiration, he braced his foot against the wall and kept tugging at the laces.
"Come on, you damn laces!" he growled. "I can't get laid until you undo-o-o-o!"
Sesshomaru lost his balance and toppled back.
Apparently, trying to compensate, and still look impressive, he rolled over onto his front and smiled at Kagome, kicking at his shoe with his other foot.
His smile began to become rather strained when he had no success. He then proceeded to roll about on the floor, muttering and grabbing his shoe. He paused periodically to give Kagome sexy, lusty looks.
Finally he flopped onto his back and thrashed around a bit in annoyance.
"Jaken!" he wailed. "Come in here!"
Jaken's singing cut off right at,
"There's a hole in the wall and the kids can see it all...."
Jaken hurried in and saw Sesshomaru lying splayed out on the ground. Sesshomaru stuck his foot in Jaken's face and pointed at it with a pout. Sesshomaru crossed his arms and glared at Jaken as Jaken expertly undid the shoe and tossed it aside.
"Now the other one!" Sesshomaru ordered. Jaken obeyed. "Now go play sexy music!"
Jaken dropped the second shoe and hurried back out to finish his amazingly sexy song. Sesshomaru stood up and cleared his throat.
"Now my little apple-peach!" he said. "Where were we?" He put his hands behind his head and piled his hair on top of his head. And that was a lot of hair!
"Oh yes," he said slyly. "I remember!"
He grabbed the hem of his abnormally high pants, just under his armpits. With a wickedly naughty eyebrow wriggle he began to slowly slip and slide his white pants down. First, down off his ribs, and then, slowly along his abdomen. His grin widened as he began to slowly slip them off his hips.
Kagome wasn't sure if she should look away and cry, or watch avidly and drool. At this point, it was a toss up.
Just as she was making this choice, a little girl ran in, flinging open the door. Sesshomaru froze, with a stricken look on his face. It was rather akin to someone who'd been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"Sesshomaru-sama!" the little girl said, frowning at him. "Where'd your clothes go?"
"Oh, here and there, Rin," he answered tightly.
His eyes flickered back to Kagome, as if seeking her help. Kagome wasn't about to do a crazy thing like that, though!
"Why aren't you wearing all your clothes, Fluffy-sama?" Rin asked curiously. "And how come your pants are so low? You usually wear them up here!" She put her hands to her chest to illustrate how high she was talking about.
She turned to look at Kagome.
"And what is she doing in your room? With your fluffy?"
"How to explain this to a child," Sesshomaru said to himself going down on one knee. He sat down and crossed his legs. Rin scampered into his lap and immediately began to play with his hair.
It would have been so cute, except....
"You see, Rin," Sesshomaru said, holding the child who seemed oblivious to the large dragon arm around her shoulder. "As people get older, they get thirstier. So I was trying to persuade Kaily—"
"Kagome," she corrected darkly.
"I don't care," Sesshomaru told her, shaking his head. "As I was saying, I was trying to persuade whatsherface to let me drink her saliva!"
Kagome and Rin made identical gagging sounds. Sesshomaru glared at Kagome as if to say 'if you're not going to be part of the solution, don't be part of the problem!'
"Is that true?" Rin asked Kagome innocently.
"Yeah sure," Kagome said, edging towards the door. "Listen, I'm going to go get us a drink. So, I'll be right back!"
She flung the fluffy at Sesshomaru and Rin and ran as if her life depended on it. She tripped over Jaken and kept running frantically.
"I don't think she's coming back, Fluffy-sama," Rin said slowly, looking up at Sesshomaru. He pulled his fluffy off the top of his head.
"Don't worry Rin," he said, kissing the top of her head. "She'll be back!" Smugly he added. "They ALWAYS come back!"