Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax. I make no profit by writing this fiction. All ideas in this story are my own; similarities with other fictions are purely coincidental.
Author's note: This is my first fanfic; English is not my first language. This story has a prequel called "Broken", which detailed the changes Rei went through before she began to feel. Warning for mild violence and sexual content.
My eyes fluttered open. Everything looked blurring. I blinked a few more times. My hands reached up to rub my eyes as I slowly got out of bed. It was still early in the morning and there was very little sunlight. My room was grim, as it always was.
Another day, another day of suffering. Suffering, meaningless suffering, not for myself, but for someone who didn't love me, for someone who didn't care, for someone who wouldn't shed a tear if I died.
I could die. My body could die. It wouldn't change much. It wouldn't change his scenario much, for my body could always be replaced, but my soul couldn't. There was no substitution or replacement. I longed for death. I longed for all this suffering to end.
But every time my body died, I would go through the pain of death, and I would be revived by him, cursed to go through another lifetime of suffering.
I walked slowly to the bathroom and turned on the tap. The water felt cold on my hand. It was always so cold, just like how I always felt inside my heart. I remembered the time when I was little. I used to be a cheerful girl. The regular check ups the doctor performed on me were painful and uncomfortable, but there had been high hopes.
I thought I would have a wonderful life...a normal life...just like everyone I saw on the streets. I was naïve, just like any other little girls. When I looked at the commander, I thought I had the best father in the world. I was wrong. The cruelty the commander dealt me had destroyed my hopes long ago. And my heart turned cold.
I splashed the cold water on my face. My body started shivering, but it was nothing uncommon. It happened every time. I told the commander about the problems with the heating system in my apartment. I had told him I wanted hot water and an air heater, but he said those were irrelevant. The commander only gave me enough money to keep me from starving.
He wouldn't even consider giving me the little warmth I requested, but I have accepted my fate. Sometimes, I felt as if I was doomed to suffering. I squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush and started brushing my teeth, as I looked into the mirror.
The girl staring back looked so different...she looked so different from anybody else. How I wish I could be normal...just normal...With parents to care for me, with friends to have fun with me. But the blue hair, the pale dead skin and the blood red eyes...they were so different...
Was I a monster? Maybe just a cursed being. My genetic make up was cursed. Half of them came from the angel imprisoned deep down in terminal dogma; the other half from the mother of a boy I love.
Love was a strong word...but I believed I found the meaning...just recently...it felt distant.
Ikari Shinji...the son of the woman whose genes made up half of me, the son of the man who made me and tortured me. He was the only one who noticed me. He was the only one who cared, although it may be only a bit, about me. My past experience had been so bad, so hellish that I wished I did not have memories.
But, there was one memory I hold very dear. I could still remembered him forcing the door open. He opened the door to my entry plug. He burnt his hands. When he saw me safe, he cried because he was happy. He was happy not because a creation was safe. He was happy not because a clone was safe. Ikari Shinji was happy because Ayanami Rei was safe. That day, I smiled for him. I smiled a sincere smile. It is the dearest moment of my life.
Many believed me as emotionless, and for a time, they were right, until I was shown the way. Emotions were complicated, but I now understood them. Expressing them, however, was still difficult. Maybe I was a cursed being? Maybe...
Did I love Ikari Shinji? I felt that I did. He felt so warm. I somehow felt aware and conscious when he was around. Did I really love him?
I could have asked, but I dared not. How would I start? It was so complicated. Perhaps I did not deserve that, joy, perhaps I did not...
I rinsed my mouth, and dried my face with a tower. I looked at my hair again. No use combing it. Blue was a sign of...something sinister...And how could it be attractive? So there was no use combing it. I walked over to my wardrobe and opened it, revealing three pairs of school uniform. Nothing else was in there. I took one of them and put it on. Then, I walked over to my bed and put on my socks before going into the kitchen to prepare my breakfast. It was always the same, bread and strawberry jam. I ate quietly. After I finished, I poured a glass of water and walked to my study table. There, I found my pills on the table.
The pills...another curse of who I was...I had to take one pill everyday. These pills were specially made by the doctor to support my AT field. Without them, my AT field would crumble, since I was only half Angel and was not strong enough to support my own AT field. It would be disastrous if my AT field crumbled. I remembered it...I remembered the one time I forgot to take it...
That night I woke up to the most unbearable pain I had ever experienced. I couldn't move my limbs. When I looked at my body, it was falling apart. My legs were discontinued from my body. My hands were hanging on by a few threads of muscle. There was a lot of blood. I saw my abdomen open. I saw my gut hanging out. I saw the horrors happening to me, until I saw my own heart stop beating. The whole process felt so long. I could see sunlight shining across my room before I drew my last breath. I made sure it was the last time I had to experience it.
Only one pill was left remaining in the bottle. This meant the commander would come tonight, for two things. One was to give me the pills; the other was to seek his own pleasure. I let him do whatever he wanted to do. No matter how brutal he was, there was not purpose in refusing. The pills were in his hand, and I did not want to experience my own body rotting again. The clones down there made sure I would come back every time. It was better to be submissive.
I put the pill in my mouth and drank the water, swallowing both of them at the same time. A tear rolled down my cheek as I thought of what was about to come. I no longer had control over my own tears...was it a curse or a blessing? I put on my shoes and started walking to school.
The alarm clock rings. It is so annoying. Who invented the sinister thing? I lazily switch it off and lay back down again. I start thinking of what is to come today. I hate this city. I hate piloting Eva. I hope that the last angel comes quickly so we can kill it and be done with all this madness. Then I can leave this sad place forever. I was told to come here by my father. I was hoping for a happy reunion, but instead he forced me into piloting Eva.
My father uses everyone. I am ashamed of him, but I am also afraid of him. Come to think of it, Ayanami Rei is probably the only one person my father likes, and I know she likes him too. I remember her slapping me when I insulted my father. How ironic...
Ayanami Rei...she reminds me of something familiar, something I lost a long time ago. But I can never figure out what it is. She sure is a beautiful girl. Some people in my school think she is ugly, but I think she is unique. They haven't seen her smile yet. Her smile remains the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I have a special attachment for her. She is the reason why I am still staying here. When I remind myself of her presence in this city, I feel safe, I feel comfort that Ayanami Rei is just living a few kilometres away, that Ayanami Rei would be there to protect me when I get into my Eva.
Do I love her? I've been asking myself the same question for some time now. I'm still not sure of the answer, but chances are that I do. I remember waking up in the Nerv hospital, and she was sitting beside my bed. She had a worried look on her face, but when she heard my voice, her face lit up. It wasn't a smile, but it was very beautiful. I had asked her to get me a drink. She quickly fetched me a glass of water. As I drank the water, she looked at me, her eyes were showing care. I would have stayed like that forever if I could, just bathing in her attention. But after a few minutes, she got up and left. She told me that she was glad I was all right. Then she went to open the door, revealing Asuka outside, before she went away.
Sohryu Asuka Langley, the girl who seems like she could never be down and defeated. I admire her. She is exactly the kind of person I want to be, and yet we are complete opposite. Asuka is popular and stunningly beautiful. I feel glad that she talks to a wimp like me. Yes, I do know I am a wimp. Anyway, I have a special attachment for Asuka as well, but she doesn't give me the sense of security like Ayanami does.
Nevertheless, I do like Asuka, but I am not sure if she likes me. She screams a lot at me, and she and Misato treat me like a housemaid at home. Sometimes, I really wonder why I am such a loser. But I am not planning to do anything about it. When there is a problem, I don't do anything about it. That is not my nature. My nature is to run away. But currently I am not running away from Eva, because Ayanami can protect me.
"Hey Baka wake up!! We're running late for school!!"
"Hurry up!! Misato said she'd give us a ride."
With that I can hear Asuka stomping off. I know why. She is not happy. I forgot to make breakfast and lunch. I completely forgot about that while I was thinking about Ayanami and myself. It is not the first time this happens anyway. I just have to buy her some food in school and she will forgive me. Asuka is more forgiving than she looks. Hmm...maybe Ayanami is more than she looks too...maybe I will try to find out...nah...I don't solve problems, I run away from them.
The ride to school is a quiet one. Even Misato doesn't talk much. Asuka is sitting at the shogun; I'm sitting at the back, looking at the scenery flying by. Tokyo-3 is a very beautiful city. It is just too bad I have so much bad experience here. But I gain something from it. I met Ayanami, and then there are Asuka and Misato who care for me too. I wish the war with the angels end quickly. Then we can all go to a trip or something. I ask myself, what am I thinking here? One moment I hate this city, another moment I am grateful to be here. I am such a hypocrite. I have the worst personality of all three pilots. Asuka is confidant and her influence radiates to everyone working with her. And there is a quiet strength about Ayanami. When she is there, you feel her presence; when she's not there, you feel her absence, even though she is so quiet.
Speaking of Ayanami, I notice her walking on the pedestrian as we drive past a traffic junction. She must be walking to school. I ask Misato to stop the car. And then I open up my window and call out her name.