Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the copyright, etc. of Lord of the Rings, nor do I own any of the rights of the song lyrics used here. I don't own David Attenborough, either.
The song in this scene is 'Get Around' by the Beach Boys.
If you've read the Fellowship musical, welcome. If not, go read it, or you might not be able to get out of the way of any running gags. If this reads a little bit strangely, it's because it was in script form, but I've put it into story form so I could post it. Sorry about that.
The Lord Of The Rings:
The Two Towers
Okey-dokey, just to recap. When we left the Fellowship at the end of the last stunning musical extravaganza, they were experiencing difficulties.
Due to artistic differences within the group (ie. Attempted murder, that sort of thing), Frodo and Sam had left to start their solo career as a duo, if that makes sense. Kind of like Simon and Garfunkel. Does anyone else think that if Simon and Garfunkel were hobbits, they'd look like Frodo and Sam? No? Only me, then.
Merry and Pippin, had, like naughty little hobbits, forgotten their mothers advice about not accepting lifts from strangers, and are, even as we speak, being carried across the plains by a group of orcs in the service of Saruman. (GASP)
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are having problems of their own. They've lost their drummer...I mean, hero, and numerous other characters, the most recent being Boromir, who carelessly allowed himself to be killed. True, it means less competition for female fans, and for Gimli, the chance that someone might actually look at him, but its going to be rather awkward, explaining it all. I mean, there was all that fuss after Gandalf. Slapped wrists all round. So, they've decided to hunt down Merry and Pippin, in order for them to share the blame. So, that's how it stands. Now read on.
Thank you. Now read the story.Scene One: The Foundations of Stone
(Which Are Nasty, As The Stones Get In Your Sandals)
A flashback from the previous musical, inside Moria. (How dare you call us cheapskates?)The Fellowship stood at one end of the bridge of Khazud-Dum, Gandalf in the middle, confronts Bartholomew the Balrog.
"Dark flame and even saying please will not avail you. You cannot pass!" shouted the wizard. Bartholomew produced a whip.
"How 'bout now?" he growled.
Gandalf wagged an admonishing finger at the 13 foot demon. "Not even now. You shall not pass!"
"Watch me," said the Balrog. Gandalf raised his sword and staff and brought them down on the bridge. The Balrog took a step forward and the bridge cracked.
"Ahhh! Mummy!" it cried as it fell.
Gandalf: turned away. If he'd been wearing a scarf, he would have flipped it over his shoulder. "And that's the end of that chapter."
The falling Balrog flexed his whip. "You think so?" The whip wrapped around Gandalf, dragging him down.
"NO!" cried Frodo, deciding, as the hero, it was time he said something.
Gandalf: was clinging to the bridge, preparing for his last words. Here they came... "Bugger off, the lot of you!" He was dragged over into the depths.
"GANDALF!" shouted Frodo, pleased with his contributions to the dialogue.
Oh, well, now we see new footage, as Gandalf and the Balrog plunged into the dark abyss of shattered hopes and broken promises- [Yes, we can all see the thesaurus on your lap. Get on with it.] Anyway-)
Gandalf had found his sword. "Hah! Take that, and that and that-"
Bart sighed. "Look, give it a rest, would you? We're already plunging to our deaths at the bottom of this abyss."
"Sorry, it's these adrenaline pills, they give me such a buzz-"
Bart looked puzzled. It's amazing how expressive Balrog's can be. "You take adrenaline pills?"
"Yes... no... maybe," said Gandalf, looking shifty.
"You want to watch admissions like that. There could be kiddies watching."
"Surely not?" said Gandalf, shocked. "Even in our troubled society, parents wouldn't allow children to watch garbage like this?"
"Well, you'd hope so, but-"started Bart. However, a scriptwriter noticed what was happening, and quickly wrote a lake for them to fall into-
Gandalf and the Balrog fall into a lake.
-thus putting an end to this dangerous subversive trend we've been seeing.
It all goes fuzzy. The scene changes to a mountain top. How the hell did we get here? Oh, it's a dream.
Frodo woke up suddenly. "It's a dream!" he cried. Yes, thank you, I already said that.
"I'm back in my nice little room at Bag End with the Noddy wallpaper, and none
of this really happened-"he continued. Then he saw Sam, who was curled up next to him on the mountain.
"Aaaah! What the hell's that ginger thing?" he screamed, waking up the aforementioned ginger thing.
"What? Who? Where? Oh, it's just you, Mr. Frodo," he said.
"What do you mean, just me? Show a little more respect to your potential saviour," protested Frodo.
Sam muttered to himself "Potential is right."
"What was that?" asked Frodo.
"Nothing, nothing... Can I go back to sleep now? I dreamt I was in the middle of a
pajama party with the Pope and Kylie Minogue." Sam curled up again and went back to sleep.
Frodo muttered himself to sleep with: "Lucky sod, gets to dream about the Pope, and what am I stuck with? Bloody Gandalf." And so forth.
(Later. Frodo and Sam were wandering over the rocky landscape.)
"Hey, I can see Sauron's house from here," said Frodo.
"That's great, Mr. Frodo. Now, how about getting there?"
"We are getting there."
"No we're not. We're lost."
"We're not lost. We've just temporarily misplaced our own location in relation to
the location of other areas in our vicinity," said Frodo, feeling rather pleased with himself for remembering what he'd read off a cereal packet.
"Which means we're lost," said Sam, who didn't read cereal packets, but knew when someone was being an idiot, from long exposure to Merry and Pippin.
"No, it means-"Frodo prepared to give Sam some more choice pieces of info from his Hobbit Porridge Oats.
"Oh, forget I asked."
"What about the maps you nicked off Gandalf?" asked Frodo suddenly.
Sam unfolded one. "I don't think he meant for us to come this way."
"How can you tell?"
"He's written 'On second thoughts, let us not go this way. It is a silly, and
potentially life threatening way.'"
"Well, we're going this way anyway. Can't you read any of it?"
"Of course I can read it," protested Sam.
"I'm impressed. I didn't know you could read maps," said Frodo.
"I'm as full of surprises as an episode of ER, Mr. Frodo."
"'Specially upside down," continued Frodo.
"Let me have a look," said Frodo, taking the map. "Well, it's hopeless. Merry and Pippin started playing hangman on it, and I can't read it."
"Well, we might as well be getting on."
"Oh, OK." Frodo stood up, and did a theatrical stumble.
"Mr. Frodo? What's the matter?" asked Sam .Frodo gestured weakly to his chest.
"No, wait, I know this one," said Sam, pulling Black's Medical dictionary out of his bag. "Let me see..., do you have chest pains?"
Weakly, Frodo said "I think...it might be...the Ring."
"Do you get dizzy if you stand up too quickly?" continued Sam.
"Sam, it's the Ring."
"I'm thinking it could be dehydration," mused Sam.
"Sam, it's the bloody Ring!"
"Or that, yeah."
"It's getting heavier..."
"If that's a hint for me to give you a piggy-back ride-"started Sam, but his voice faded as Frodo touched the Ring, and the zoom in effect happened again. Close up of Barud-Dur, where Sauron was stepping out of whatever the equivalent of a shower is for giant floating embodiments of evil.
"#I'm, too evil for my Nazgul,
Too evil for- "he sang, until he spotted Frodo. "Hey! Get that camera out of here!"And so we return to the mountain.
"What you need, Mr. Frodo, is some grub. Now, let's see what we've got..." Sam rummaged through the packs. "Ah yes...lembas bread. And... more lembas bread. And... Kendall mintcake."
"Now there's a familiar menu."
"Say what you like, lembas bread is very nutritional."
"And available now at a reasonable price from all good supermarkets," added Frodo. They both turned towards the camera and slapped their back pockets.
"That's ASDA price!" they chorused. I'll cash that cheque later.
"Remember when the elves gave us this bread? They went on about how they'd
made it by hand, then realised they'd forgotten to take it out of the supermarket
wrapper..." mused Sam, with his mouth full.
I'm bored. Let's go watch some telly and come back when they're doing something more interesting.
Later. Frodo and Sam were walking through the mist.
"I feel sure I've stubbed my toe on that rock before," muttered Frodo.
"We're going round in circles!"
"Really? Perfect circles?" Frodo though about it. "I bet we're only really going round in ellipses-"
"Does it matter? We'll never get out! We're going round and round, and round and-"
Here comes the lead in for our first song.
Both: # Round, round, get around we get around
Get around, round, round, we get around
Get around, round, round, we get around.#
Frodo: #Mordor ain't my kind of town.#
Both: #Get around, round, round, we get around#
Frodo: #We need a real cool head#
Both: #Get around, round, round, we round#
Sam: #I'm getting sick of elvish bread#
Sam: #We're getting bugged trekking up and down the same old track
We gotta find a new place where the sky ain't black.#
Frodo: #My buddy and me are getting real well known
Yeah, but I wish the bad guys would leave us alone.#
Sam: #We should've brought a pony, 'cause its better than feet
And we've had some near misses with the Nazgul we meet.#
Frodo: #We've just gotta go steady, 'cause it wouldn't be right
To let the Ring be taken and leave the world to endless night.#
(They repeat chorus over and over again, with many nonsensical words, until insensible.)
(Later.[Yeah, I know we've had a lot of laters lately, but frankly, its so boring, we're having to skip large chunks. We'll just fast forward to when Aragorn is crowned King...of the Dance Floor! Strut your funky stuff, Disco Badger!-What? What do you mean, that never actually happened? Oh, Ok. Rewind to about three hours after Frodo and Sam have finished singing] I love this new technology.)
(Frodo and Sam were asleep, curled up at the bottom of a rock face. However, something small and slimy was creeping over the rocks towards them. Is it a worm? Is it a door-to-door salesman? No, it's Gollum.)
"They stole it from us, precious. Nasty little theivese, they is." He paused."Hang on, what did they steal?" he asked himself.
"My precious, precious."
"Oh, the precious, precious. Now I understands, precious-"
"Shut up, will it precious?"
Frodo and Sam shed their cunning pretence of being asleep-[yes, cunning, wasn't it?] and stare at Gollum in puzzlement.
"Er, excuse me?" ventured Frodo.
Gollum noticed them. "Yes, what does it want, precious?"
"Aren't you meant to be attacking us?"
"Is we, precious?" Gollum asked himself. "We thinks so, precious. Why?"
"Because of the Ring?" suggested Sam.
"The Ring?" asked Gollum.
"That's the precious, precious!" he reminded himself.
"Oh, never mind. Get them!" and with that, Gollum sprang at them like a bouncy ball.
"Aaah!" went Frodo, unoriginally, and hid behind Sam.
"Where's it gone, the nasty little bog brush?" wondered Gollum, confused at this cunning trick.
But the Ring was hanging out of Frodo's shirt, and chose this moment to make its presence known. "Coo-ee, Mr. Gollum. Remember me?"
Gollum peered round Sam, saw the Ring, and was mesmerised. "I shall call it precious and it shall be mine. It shall be mine. It shall be my precious." Not surprisingly, Frodo started to back away. "No, bad precious-"
Luckily, before things could get any more confused, Sam hit Gollum with his copy of Black's Medical dictionary.
"Well, that was weird," said Frodo, a comment that was probably a good contender for Understatement of the Fourth Age.
More to come, if anyone can bear it.