Warnings: PG-13. Minor cursing, cute boy-boy love, smoking, and other PG-13 stuff. If there was no swearing, I might be able to get away with PG. So PG-13 to be safe.
Update: I would like to thank everyone who helped make this one of my most popular stories. You're all amazing, and I appreciate the support you gave me through the years since this was originally "published." Thank you!
If you want a rough idea of what you're in for, I'll explain. This fic is a romance, cloaked in a parody. What does it parody? A little bit of everything. At the time of its conception, I asked myself a lot of silly questions (see old A/N below). I needed an outlet for these questions, but as I wrote and read stuff on the site (years ago), I came up with more questions. There were a lot of myths going around about YYH, whether it be the sweet-snow, characterizations, or assumed events, mostly spawned by doujinshi and fanfics. Not to mention character bashing. There was also a lot of Hiei/Kurama, and lots of hate if anyone wrote anything different. So I guess you can read this with that in mind - it's a parody of all things that occurred in the series and fandom back in 2004. It was also written before I initially finished the series (and before the English manga was published), so consider it an AU-ish branch of time.
-- This chapter was updated 4-19-2010 --
Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho is the property of Yoshihiro Togashi.
By Zelia Theb
There was a knock at the door, prompting the delinquent teenager (who was previously seated on a light gray sofa) to interrupt his TV time and answer it. He put out his cigarette in the ashtray, which was placed conveniently on the coffee table, and stretched before walking to the door.
He strode past the small kitchenette of the new apartment and stopped to check out his reflection in a mirror hanging next to the entry door. His brown eyes scanned over the ebony locks of hair, which he had neglected to slick back with gel this morning, and he smiled, pleased at his appearance.
The knocking became stronger. The boy sighed then yelled, "Okay, okay already!" and opened up the door to find…no one. He poked his head out the door and checked his vision left and right down the corridor of the apartment building. No one, not even a note or a package.
"Whatever, jerkbag…" he muttered as he went back inside and shut the door behind him. He searched through a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a gold colored box of cigarettes. He proceeded to pull out one of the slender white sticks and placed the butt end on his lips while tossing the pack back into its drawer. After finding a red lighter on the countertop, he flicked the lever, about to light up, but the flame was put out by a chilling wind that came from the window behind the sofa.
"Can't answer the door but you can light up a cigarette and kill yourself," a sneering voice said from the direction of the gust.
"What the hell, Hiei? Why didn't you just do that in the first place instead of making me get up?" the annoyed boy asked the intruding demon.
"Speak for yourself, Detective," the shorter one remarked. The two glared at each other for a few more moments until the detective burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Hiei asked.
"You're wearing black jeans and a red sweater, moron! Look at you!" the boy cried out, pointing a finger at the strangely normal dressed demon standing near the window. Hiei glowered at him, wishing that he was allowed to remove the white ward from his own raven hair and cause Yusuke to burst into flames.
"Koenma said I had to!" the angry demon defended upon realizing that Yusuke was not going to stop laughing. This only made the hysterical boy grab his stomach and fall to the floor (unfortunately for him, it was out of laughter, not spontaneous combustion as the demon had hoped).
Noticing that the items were rather loose (even the sweater), Yusuke snided, "So where'd you get a get up like that? Did Kurama loan them to you on one of your little "visits" to his bedroom?" He quickly brought his forearms up to shield himself, because Hiei had just lunged at his throat and toppled them both over onto the floor.
"The thought of being in the same bed as Kurama is revolting! Why must you insolent fools insist on suggesting that he and I are a couple!" Hiei asserted as they wrestled on the floor. "I wouldn't be caught dead in Kurama's pants, in either meaning!"
"Eghh!" Yusuke panted in a very chalky voice, his face turning a strange mixture of peach, blue, red, and purple. "Air!"
"Hn," Hiei huffed as he let go of the human boy and seated himself on the sofa.
"Okay, I get it…" Yusuke stated when he regained his vision. He plopped down next to his scowling friend (although Hiei would never admit it) and touched the fabric of the sweater. Yep, it's a sweater all right. It was then that he noticed them.
"When you steal things, you're supposed to rip the tags off before wearing them!" Yusuke teased. He placed a hand dangerously close to Hiei's neck and ripped off one of the tags hanging from a plastic connector without dying.
"You're pushing it, Detective," he warned.
"So where'd ya stash the demon dress?" the teenager questioned. The demon found it rather annoying.
"It's not a dress, and it'll be where it is when I go back to go get it."
"So why don't you tell me why you came here already? Your pissitivity is really pissing me off," Yusuke informed him. "You interrupted a perfectly good show!"
"First of all, pissitivity isn't even a word," Hiei rebutted. "Secondly, it's quite obvious that you're watching foreign pornographic videos. I would hardly call that quality television."
"Yeah, because you dig guys. Guys like Kurama," the boy taunted back. He contemplated bringing up the fact that Hiei had more knowledge about human TVs than he should have admitted to having, but figured that jab would do for now.
"Shut up! I do not like Kurama!" Hiei screamed angrily at him. He vowed that someday he would prove it. Getting back to the point, he added, "And I came here because Koenma said that I had to! So go find that stupid Spirit World device of yours and ask him why I had to torture myself with your presence."
Yusuke blanked out, or so Hiei had thought for that fleeting moment. He followed Yusuke's gaze and landed on the very interesting scene on the television. His crimson eyes slowly changed from a scowl to the same relaxed yet blankly surprised expression that the detective had on his face.
"Wow…" Yusuke uttered, blinking in disbelief.
"How'd she do that…?" Hiei murmured.
"Doesn't seem like it to her…or her…or her…"
The two continued to stare at the action of the video in a dazed state. As the scene reached its climax, Hiei suddenly growled quite loudly and ripped the plug out of the wall.
"Hey! What the hell! We were watching that!" Yusuke protested. His angry eyebrows soon changed shape, as he was holding back a giggle when he thought of how he was just watching porn with Hiei of all people.
"Go talk to Koenma! Now!" the black-haired demon demanded.
"Well, I was going to keep Hiei out of this, but seeing as he decided to commit a crime today, I'll have to change that order of business."
"I'm sure he'll be thrilled, now get to the damn point!" Yusuke prodded Koenma.
"Just keep an eye out for that guy, that's all!" Koenma obliged.
"You made Hiei come to my apartment in disguise…" Yusuke paused a moment and sat down in his bed, "just for him to tell me to call you up, only to have you say, 'Look out for this demon guy on your Spirit World Radar! His threat is very low!'?"
"To be honest, I only told Hiei to come in disguise because I bet that blue ogre that Hiei was a couple with Kurama. I figured that he would run to Kurama for help, but instead he stole clothing from a store and hissed at a baby just for fun on his way out of it."
"Yeah, I thought he would've done that too, but he keeps denying it and tried choking me when I said something."
For once, the boss and employee laughed about something together for a while. Hiei poked his head in the bedroom, wondering what was so hilarious, and it was then that Koenma told Yusuke to let Hiei hear his decree.
"Hiei, in light of your recent activities, you're being confined to Yusuke's building. You know what happens if you disobey." The elderly toddler smiled wickedly from behind his blue pacifier and ended the transmission with, "Koenma out. Word."
Not baffled even the slightest by Koenma's strange choice of words, Yusuke desperately tried to contact the baby again to rebel against the decision. It was like he was being punished as well. His actions were to no avail. He slammed the communicator into the floor and plopped back on his bed, his feet still planted firmly on the floor.
Yusuke explained the entire conversation to Hiei, which only enraged him even more. In the fit of rage, Hiei 'tossed' (or so he claims) a table lamp 'gently' at the wall, which not only resulted in a mess of shattered ceramic glass, but a heavy blow from Yusuke's fist.
"And here I was, about to let you sleep in my bed for the first night, and you go ahead and break a lamp!" Yusuke screamed.
"I don't sleep," Hiei informed the shouting boy.
"Yeah, right, and all you eat or drink is black coffee…" Yusuke replied sarcastically. Hiei just blinked at him as if he had just stated a fact. Oh, Yusuke would show him who doesn't sleep. The bad-ass image of Hiei was going to stop here if he had to stay with him from now on. There was no way that he never slept or ate anything. He wasn't a super-demon…okay, he was, but still.
"Fine, maybe I'll make some coffee then," the boy said as he rose from the bed. Hiei's body jumped up from the spring of the mattress, catching him off-guard. Yusuke tossed him a random manga from his floor and said, "Here, this should keep you busy." The demon regarded the book with disinterest, but Yusuke didn't seem to care since he had already left the room.
He lit up another cigarette and began sifting through the drawers, searching for an anti-histamine. He found instant decaffeinated coffee and decided that he would break open the pill and mix it in with the freeze-dried coffee.
An empty coffee mug lay on the nightstand next to Yusuke's bed. It was nearing eleven. Yusuke came back into his room after spending a few hours by himself, and was surprised to find Hiei still there reading manga.
"I'm going to bed, so do whatever," he announced to the demon.
"I will do whatever, once I finish this book," Hiei said curtly.
"Well, do ya mind getting up so I can get under my blankets?" Yusuke suggested, "Or how about moving to the couch?"
"I'm not tired," he replied, lifting himself up quickly as Yusuke tugged at the blankets. He sat back down once Yusuke was under the covers.
"Huh? I didn't say that you…" Yusuke trailed off as he watched Hiei fall sideways into the mattress, "were tired…" He propped himself up on his elbow and rolled Hiei over. He was out cold, sleeping peacefully. He considered picking the guy up and tossing him out the window for fun, but decided on a much more devious plan.
After all, since Hiei had fallen asleep on Yusuke's bed, the detective decided that his plan simply couldn't end at the beginning of the demon's slumber. With a wicked grin on his face, Yusuke rolled Hiei back over and pulled the blankets over both of them. Now they were both in the bed, sleeping with their backs to each other, and at the furthest reaches of the somewhat small mattress. Hey, Yusuke wanted to be mischievous, not suicidal.
Such a strange dream for the boy. His eyelids fluttered a bit, but he never opened them. He was wondering what exactly woke him up. Maybe it was the temperature…yes, that's it. He was warm. He tried to move his arm out from under the pillow, but it was no use. His arm was either numb, or underneath something heavier than a pillow. It was then that he realized what was going on. His trapped arm wasn't the only strange thing about the situation…
Said arm was not only beneath a pillow, but beneath Hiei's head. Said head was planted comfortably in the nape of Yusuke's neck. Said detective had his other arm laying conveniently around Hiei's waist, and said demon had interlocked his legs with him, leaving his palms pressed against the human's chest. Said devious plan was a disastrous failure.
"So adorable! Even if it is a bit bizarre." A camera clicked, and Yusuke stirred, opening his eyelids fully.
"Botan, what the hell! Why did you put us like this? Hiei's going to kill us both!" the boy quietly scolded the blue-haired apparition, who was floating over the bed on a wooden oar.
"Hey! I just took a picture because I thought that it was cute!" she defended. Well, the alternate reason was for blackmail in case either of the hotheaded beings felt like being a pain, but she didn't exactly offer up that information to Yusuke. She continued, "You two were like this when I got here, which, by the way, I should probably get to the point before Hiei wakes up."
"Damn it," Yusuke cursed under his breath, "if I don't move, Hiei's going to kill me. If I do move, Hiei will wake up and see this anyway and still try to kill me!" He growled silently in his head. If there wasn't proof of it before, there was proof now. The Universe truly was playing one ironic trick on him after another. Or it could just be his karma.
"Shut up and listen!"
"First off, Kurama inadvertently defeated that demon, so you're off the case as it's been closed," Botan announced. "Second, Koenma wanted me to warn you that he suspects Hiei suffers from insomnia, anorexia, depression, and uhhm…what was the other one…"
"Fire up his ass?" Yusuke libbed.
"No! That would be the result of these problems, Yusuke! It was…um…oh forget it, I can't remember!" She tossed her ponytail to the opposite side and wagged a finger to the person below her. "Just a few facts for you to know! Just don't tell Hiei!"
"How the hell does baby breath know all of that?"
"He knows almost everything! I mean seriously…how do you think we got all of that information on you when you stupidly went and got yourself killed?" Botan reminded him. Before Yusuke could open his 'big mouth' (or so she thought), she said, "Well, I'm leaving now before I get caught up in this mess!" She floated out of the seemingly open window, but paused and mentioned, "And I won't tell anyone, I promise!" Yusuke just rolled his eyes, wondering if Botan truly would be able to her own big mouth shut.
He also wondered if doors were out of style.
He was still faced with a problem, though. To move, or not to move? How about playing it somewhat safe, and pretending to be asleep? Yes, that would eliminate part of the problem. He put that plan into action, trying his hardest to "sleep," even though random strange thoughts were beginning to run through his head at blinding speeds (such high speeds that he was unable to even keep up with their after-image…).
Much to Yusuke's surprise (which he didn't express of course, in case the Jagan eye was wide-awake), Hiei stirred, but did not go on a murderous rampage. Before fully awakening, the demon gripped tight on to what he thought was blankets, but ended up being Yusuke's shirt. He quickly let go and opened his normal eyes fully. The detective felt Hiei tense up underneath his arm, then slowly push that arm off of him and sit up on the bed. The shift of weight was very minor, to Yusuke it felt like a kitten had just jumped on the mattress.
"Get up," Hiei uttered in a low voice. He was still seated on the edge of the covers. Yusuke didn't budge, he had to be believable after all.
"Stupid Yusuke…" the well-rested demon muttered. He turned a few degrees and poked the boy in the arm, demanding, "Wake up!"
Out of habit rather than acting skills, the teenager mumbled, "I'm not going to school, Mom…"
"I didn't say that you had to go to school, you lazy lump!" Hiei shouted, springing to his knuckles and knees and lurching over Yusuke, ready to strangle him. Yusuke tried his hardest not to giggle, after all, Hiei had accidentally implied that he was playing Mommy. Hiei on the other hand, was annoyed at the boy, so he leaned in real close and stated, "If you don't wake up, I'm going to kill you."
Not only did the threat scare him, but also the insane closeness of the absolutely malevolent voice which asserted the threat did. Yusuke shifted, making Hiei sit back on his knees. The detective murmured, "Damn, Hiei. Dead people don't wake up either."
"I wasn't really going to kill you, idiot," Hiei answered. "I want an answer as to why I woke up in your bed this morning."
"Well, in case you don't remember," the boy stated, gathering things to shower and bathe with, "you conked out in the middle of reading a manga."
"I remember, you don't have to remind me," Hiei said with a glare.
"Then you asked a stupid question." Hiei scowled at him again, which only reminded Yusuke of his plan. He remarked, "But I guess to pass out like that means you really do need sleep. I mean, it seems like you hadn't slept nice like that in a while…" Oh shoot, he thought. He probably wasn't supposed to hint that he knew about the insomnia. Or that he even thought the rest was nice.
"Fine, Detective. So you got me there," the demon admitted, "but that doesn't explain why I woke up in your arms this morning." It shocked the boy that the demon had so willingly brought up the question. Or perhaps it wasn't willingly. Hiei actually seemed to blush after he said so, but of course, the shorter one had to maintain his tough persona at all times.
"We fell asleep at opposite sides of the bed, Hiei. I have no idea what you're talking about," Yusuke informed him. Well, at least that was partially true.
"Then you must have moved in your sleep." Oh? Just Yusuke moved to the center of the bed? He'd show him.
"Yes, that must be it, Hiei. I moved to the absolute center of the bed, from the absolute edge. Somehow, you ended up in the center too," Yusuke deduced (he was a detective, see). "It must be because you're too damn skinny and my weight caused you to roll conveniently into a nuzzling position. Oh yes…" Yusuke followed the statement with a roll of his eyes. "That must have been it."
"Yes," Hiei blinked, "that must be the answer." Hiei stood from the bed and growled, "And there is nothing wrong with being skinny! You're skinny!"
"I'm fit without fat, Hiei. You're a skeleton with top heavy muscles. Eat a fricken meal!"
"I don't need to eat!" Hiei shouted back.
"Well that's too bad! Because I'm going to make breakfast before I shower, and I'm going to stuff it down your throat!" Yusuke screamed.
"GOOD because I'M hungry!" Hiei finished. Yusuke just twitched an eyebrow at the crazy demon. Actually, it was more like a complete face spasm followed up by him slamming his bathing items to the floor and stamping out of the bedroom. A clash of pots and pans was heard from the kitchenette, and Hiei poked his head out to see Yusuke breaking eggs open into a frying pan.
The human boy pointed over to his door and yelled, "You better like eggs, because that's all we've got!" His arms then furiously shuffled through the various cupboards, looking for salt and pepper.
Hiei did not answer. Instead, he inquired, "Where's the pond?" After all, he would have to know where everything was if he was confined to a small square that he could only move vertically in. Disobeying Koenma wasn't on his list of things to do…yet. He just wasn't ready for those consequences!
Yusuke almost mis-rolled an egg at the question. What on earth was that demon thinking? He made a funny face, signaling that the short demon should elaborate.
"A pond. To bathe in."
Yusuke's face twitched again. He secretly cursed Hiei, as he was probably going to cause the boy to have old man wrinkles at the age of twenty. Had he or had he not just mentioned that he himself was going to shower?
"We have showers and bath tubs, Hiei."
"Fine. Where is it." He wasn't going waste his time much longer with questions. He just wanted to get the stench of human off of him, or at least pretend that was what it was.
"You have to eat first or it will be cold," Yusuke said in the middle of serving the breakfast on a small dining table. The agitated demon showed no emotion or thanks for the food, and the two ate in silence. He could swear that Hiei was actually enjoying the eggs, but Yusuke figured that mentioning that would be a big waste of time.
After the meal, Yusuke insisted that he shower first. He was afraid that if Hiei went first, something would go terribly wrong and the pipes would leak all over the place. So the boy washed up as Hiei completed the manga he was into last night (though human stories were so pathetic and inaccurate, he told the detective).
Hiei went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Ten minutes passed, and Yusuke didn't hear a sound of running water. He went to the toilet room and flushed it (to check if the water was working, and to piss Hiei off if indeed it was and he was just hard of hearing), and the clear water swirled down the porcelain hole.
Yusuke knocked on bathroom door. "Hiei?"
"What?" Hiei replied coldly, opening the door. He was still in his jeans and sweater.
"What do you mean, what? I thought you were going to wash up!"
"Hn. There is no water." Stupid detective.
Was Hiei for real? His whacked knowledge of technology really astounded the boy. He pushed past Hiei and pointed to silver knobs on the wall, and said, "You turn these, and you can change the water from hot to cold." He watched as Hiei went over and turned the knob, unaware of the fact that he was standing directly under the top showerhead, and got soaking wet. Yusuke quickly turned it off, and remarked, "Not like that!"
"You didn't say that it was going to spray like that!" the ever-so-embarrassed and flushed Hiei retorted.
"Whatever. That's how it works. And you can use that stuff on the shelf to wash your hair and the soap too."
"Hn. Get out now."
"What are you going to wear when you're done?" Yusuke asked inquisitively.
"Yes, get all dried up with a towel and then change into a perfectly good pair of wet and sweaty clothes…"
"Fine. I'll wear my cloak," Hiei rebutted.
"Oh, yes," Yusuke said with a sarcastic swing in his voice. "I'll warm up the water for you while you go get your cloak, Hiei."
Hiei grumbled, "Well I'm sure that you'll be able to find something." Yusuke grumbled back at him, wondering when he suddenly became Hiei's personal servant. He left the bathroom and searched through his closet for something that might fit the demon.
It was then that he had the wonderfully bright idea of going into his mother's closet. No, he wasn't going to go as far as to make Hiei wear women's clothing (not that there's anything wrong with that), but he was certain that he could find some of his clothes from when he was younger. His mother may be a drunkard who disappeared now and then, but she tended to save everything, and he knew that she had recovered some of the clothes from apartment fire when he was technically dead. He found the wooden chest of the clothing, and pulled out everything that didn't look childish. Plain colored tees, two seemingly nice pairs of jeans, and even a black hooded sweatshirt.
Underneath all of the clothing, he found a wrapped present that said "Happy 11th Birthday! Love, Mom" on it. He shrugged, then tore it open to find a brand new pair of pajamas, which of course would no longer fit him. He smiled, happy to know that his mother cared about him, then examined the pajamas. They were dark blue with small black embroidery, but still very masculine. He tucked the gift back into the chest and brought the clothing into his own room. He snatched a light cerulean tee and a pair of jeans, then knocked on the bathroom door (which he actually heard water running behind).
"What now?" Hiei scowled, muffled by the door and the running water.
"I got you your stupid clothes!" Yusuke shouted back. A squeaking of knobs was heard, and the water quickly turned from a rush, to a steady drip, to nothing at all. The door was opened, and a small wrapped wrist poked through the opening. Yusuke handed off the apparel and walked away to plug the television back in. He did have to watch as many of the videos as he could before his mother magically appeared home again.
To Be Continued...
In the middle of writing Alternate Universe, I wanted to suddenly make it Hiei-Yusuke. Instead I opted for this. I have no idea why I've been on such a shounen-ai/yaoi spree lately, seeing as my first ever story was f-m and not even a romance. Who knows.
This was spurred by one of the many conversations on anime that I have with my sister. We always wonder the weirdest things, like "Does Hiei ask Kurama to do his laundry? Does Kurama's mom ever wonder where all the bloodstains come from? Where does Kurama buy all of his chupas and panel coats? Does Kurama get grounded for disappearing? Does Hiei steal food to eat? Why doesn't Kurama wear socks?" and etc.
Thanks to my mom for word "pissitivity". She once used it to describe me. I found it quite hilarious.