DISCLAIMER: Cowboy Bebop and all of those crazy characters are owned by somebody other than me. Like, um... Bill Gates or somebody like that. I'm sure he could probably buy Cowboy Bebop. He could buy anything, actually. I envy him.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: As you know, the Cowboy Bebop movie takes place in between Sessions 22 and 23. In Funny Sessions, Andy did NOT leave after episode 22. So, that means he'll be playing a prominent role in the movie (since in the Funny Sessions canon, he's still a member of the Bebop crew). So don't be confused by Andy being in the movie.
IMPORTANT NOTE TO STAFF: Only the first small bit of this fic is in script format, designed to parody movie advertisements. I assure you that the lion's share (i.e. everything AFTER the ad parody, or about 96% of the fic) is in paragraph format, adherent to the rules of the site. Thank you for understanding.
OBLIGITORY MOVIE ADS
You're about to see the movie. But when you're through, you want the whole story, right?
Of course you do.
So right after you see the movie, run out and purchase LiveAction Bebop, 9 live-action shorts by some of Hollywood's hottest directors.
shows a VERY badly-costumed actor playing Spike leaning out of a car and firing his gun
another scene shows a rather fat actor playing Jet punching a dude, the entire thing looking very fake
shows Cameron Diaz as Faye, flashing her breasts, which have a large censor bar over them
This ad is censored, but LiveAction Bebop isn't! So run out right after the movie and buy it. Otherwise, you won't know the WHOLE story. Like how Spike got his gun. You want to know that, don't you?
A game 5 years in the making.
shows an FMV of Spike, shooting at Vincent, who is running away from him
This is the true story of Cowboy Bebop: The Movie.
shows an FMV of Andy, riding his horse
In the war to save Mars from a deadly virus, what role will YOU play?
Assume the identity of Vincent's long-lost girlfriend Electra, or Jet's best friend Bob as you assist the actual Bebop crew in the fight against Vincent. This is the coolest ing game ever made.
shows a choppy and glitchy piece of gameplay footage showing Electra firing her gun at some cops
Of course you can't be Spike, Faye, Jet, Andy, or Edward. You have to unlock the right to play as them (butonlyinacrappyfightingminigamewhereyouneed5controllerstoplay) in an exciting mini-game! But they're in.
shows Andy fighting Jet in the previously mentioned crappy fighting mini-game
See? This summer, buy Enter the Bebop, the TRUE story of Cowboy Bebop. Available for the Playstation 2, X-Box, Gamecube, PC, Gameboy Advance, and your Nokia cell-phone. You must buy them all to get the full story.
DISCLAIMER: All versions highly rushed and extremely glitchy.
shows Vincent, sitting down at the table in his apartment
Vincent: I'm about to end the human race with a deadly virus. However, there is one way to get the vaccine. Well, besides this...
shows Vincent kissing Faye
Vincent: But if you're a heterosexual guy, there's another way.
shows a bottle of Powerade
Vincent: Drink Powerade. It'll keep you immune and give you the carbs you need to keep up with a tough guy like me. But if you don't like Powerade, there's always another way to get the vaccine...
shows Faye, tied up on the floor and looking very miserable
Vincent: So just drink the Powerade. smiles evilly
A box of popcorn with eyes, legs, arms, and a mouth walks onto the screen.
Poppy: Hello, I'm Poppy, the movie-theatre mascot! Remember, the concession-stand is always open for your overpriced food needs! Also, there's no smoking allowed in the theatre! Well, that's-
a cellphone rings
Poppy: Oh, and TURN OFF YOUR ING CELLPHONE! Thank you, and enjoy our feature presentation!
And now, our feature presentation...
A sexy-sounding musicbox tune plays. The scene shows a man, playing Chinese checkers with little blue balls. Spike narrates this scene.
"He was always alone, playing with himself. It can be fun to play with yourself, especially when you're alone. But he never had someone to share his fun... how sad."
Aboard the Bebop, Spike was lying on the couch. Jet walks over and shakes him awake.
"Spike, get up!" Jet yelled.
"Unnh... Jet, I was having the most wonderful dream," Spike said groggily.
"Yeah?" Jet asked. "What was it about?"
"I was dreaming about playing with myself," Spike said, smiling. Jet frowned.
"That's sick," Jet said, with a look of disgust on his face.
Meanwhile, at a convenience store somewhere on Mars, a robbery was taking place.
"So, anyway," said the leader of the robbers, a middle-aged man standing in front of the counter and holding a gun, "the thing about life is that life is like stew. You got that?"
"Um... I think so," said the very scared looking girl behind the counter.
"Anyway, if you take out the meat, it's not stew, it's just a bunch of yucky vegetables. I don't like yucky vegetables, but I like meat. Meat is good."
"Meat's on aisle seven!" said the girl, who was now extremely scared.
"I wasn't talking about meat, I was talking about stew mix!" said the robber. He pointed his gun at the ceiling and fired it off. Meanwhile, outside, Spike and Jet were just waiting for something like this. They ran toward the entrance of the store.
"Um, sir, you're really confusing me, so could you please take the money and leave?" the woman asked. "Thank you, come again!"
"I could do that," the robber said, "but since you're such a pretty girl, I think I'm just gonna shoot you! Mwahahaha!"The girl screamed. Suddenly, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. The man gasped.
"What the heck's that?" asked one of the robber's accomplices.
"It sounds like... western music!" yelled the other accomplice. "But where could it-"
Before the man could finish his sentence, a large horse leaped through the window of the store, shattering the large glass pane. A man in a samurai outfit was riding on the horse.
"I'm Samurai Andy!" Andy shouted, leaping off the horse and unsheathing his sword. "And I'm here to stop you!"
"Dammit, Andy, this was my bounty!" Spike shouted. "I was about to kick all three of these guy's butts!"
"Hey, don't forget me," Jet said, standing behind one of the robber's accomplices. "I was gonna do this."
Jet turned around and punched the man in the stomach, knocking him out.
"See?" Jet said. "I was about to do that."
"But I'm Samurai Andy, defender of the innocent and protector of little ladies!" Andy said, smiling at the terrified girl behind the counter. She giggled and winked at Andy.
"Oh, hell no, you didn't," Jet said. "No, you didn't. That chick was gonna be MY girlfriend after I beat up these guys."
Jet spun around and punched the robber's second accomplice in the face. He was also knocked out.
"Well, now there's just one more left," Spike said, pointing to the middle-aged robber. "And seeing as how I'm the star of this movie, he's naturally mine."
"No way!" Andy shouted. "As protector of little ladies, I think that I should be able to defeat this fiend. I mean, he's the one that's been harassing this beautiful girl, isn't that right, little lady?"
The girl nodded.
"But I've beaten two of them!" Jet shouted. "So play the percentages and let me take him out! C'mon!"
Spike, Andy, and Jet began arguing about who was going to beat the leader of the robbers.
"This is ridiculous!" the robber shouted. "Why don't you guys just settle this with a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors?"
"Rock, Paper, Scissors?" Spike said.
"That's a wonderful idea!" Jet said. "Alright!"
Spike, Jet, and Andy got into a small circle and began playing Rock, Paper, Scissors.
"Rock, Paper, Scissors!" the three shouted. "Rock, Paper, Scissors!"
"And now, I'll just shoot them," the robber said. He pointed his gun at the three men. "Say goodbye!"
"Judo chop!" the girl behind the counter yelled, karate-chopping the man on the shoulder. He passed out and fell to the ground."Aww, and I just won, too!" Spike yelled."You cheated anyway," Jet said. "You're supposed to declare rock, paper, or scissors WHEN everybody else does, not a second after!"
"Well, anyway, we did stop these guys," Andy said. "That's the important thing."
Just then, the bathroom door in the back of the store opened, and a man stepped out.
"Oh man, that felt so good," the man yelled, scratching his butt. "I swear, that was the best dump ever."
Suddenly, the man spotted Spike, Jet, and Andy, standing next to the three robbers. He yelped.
"Aaaah!" the man screamed.
"Hey, it's another robber," Spike said. "Okay, since I won the last game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I get him, got it?"
"But you cheated!" Jet yelled.
"Yeah!" Andy shouted. "Give me a chance, why don't ya?"
The man ran behind an old lady who had been shopping in the store and put a gun to her head."Okay, you three clowns. Hands in the air, or the old lady gets it!" the robber shouted. Jet and Andy, being the goody-goodies that they were, immediately put their hands up.
"Don't shoot the old lady!" Andy shouted. "For the love of God, don't shoot the old lady! I'll give you anything you want! I'm rich! See?"
Andy whipped out a wad of 10,000-wulong bills.
"Andy, that's not too smart," Jet said. "Being a cop, I know such things."
Spike pointed his gun at the robber's head.
"Hey, what's wrong with you?" the robber yelled. "I'm gonna shoot Grandma if you don't-"
Spike shot the man in the head, killing him instantly. The old lady fell to the ground, unharmed.
"Aaaah! My plastic hip!" the old lady shouted. Okay, MOSTLY unharmed.
"Spike, you stupid doo-doo headed retard!" Andy shouted. "You could have hurt the old lady!"
Andy rushed to the woman's side."Are you alright?" Andy asked her. "I hope that my reckless associate's actions didn't-"
"Get away from me, whippersnapper," the woman shouted angrily. "You didn't save my life. That green-haired man did. Give him this."The woman pulled out a large pack of wintergreen gum from her purse. Andy gasped.
"Gum?" Andy said in disbelief. He began to cry. "I want gum!"
"Oooh, goody," Spike said. "Gum. I love gum. Hey Andy, bring me that gum."
"What are you?" Andy shouted, looking at Spike.
"I am the defender of justice! I am truth! I am light! ALLY TO GOOD, NIGHTMARE TO YOU!" Spike shouted. "Now give me that damn gum before I shoot you too."
cue opening credits
Cowboy Bebop: The Funnierer Session- Knockin' Up Faye Once More
Gum or money, mmm, can't decide
I love gum, oh yeah, it's so fly
It's so minty and chewy too
I love gum, I love gum, much more than you
Old ladies always have it
So help 'em cross the street, everyone you meet
shouting Yeah, you, cuz they're really nice
Do what'cha gotta do, don't be a fool, just get some gum
Yeah, just get some guuuum
Doo do doo
Just chew some gum
Really good, yeah
Chew some gum....
Aboard the Bebop...
"Chess has been around for a long time," Jet said, sitting across from Spike at a chessboard. "It's the game of kings."
"Yeah, well," Spike said, moving his rook. "Your move."
"Spike, you didn't even think about your move!" Jet yelled. "That's not how you play chess! Before every move, you have to think for thirty minutes, or you'll lose!"
"Yeah, well," Spike said, in an annoyed tone. "That's not how I play."
"It's how you have to play!" Jet yelled. "Like that old grandma. You could have killed her."
"Yeah!" Andy shouted, sitting across the room and watching TV. "You suck, Spike."
"I didn't kill her, though," Spike said. "And I got some gum. And I love gum."
"Everybody loves gum," Jet said. "And besides-"
"And BESIDES," Spike said, pointing at the chess clock next to the board. "We're playing speed chess. Your clock's been down for three hours."
Jet groaned. Edward popped up next to the board and moved one of Jet's pieces.
"Ed, his time ran out," Spike said. "He lost.""Ooooh la la..." Edward said, looking at Jet. "Slowpoke slowpoke poke!"
Edward poked Jet in the eye."OW! Dammit!" Jet shouted.
"Oops," Edward said innocently.
Meanwhile, above the streets of Mars, Faye was piloting her Redtail in pursuit of a bountyhead.
"My loneliness is killing me," Faye sang in tune with the song on the radio. "I must confess, I still believe! Still believe, when I'm not with you I lose my mind, give me a siiiiiiiiiign, hit me baby one more time!"
"Faye-Faye," Edward said over the Redtail's radio. "You sing pretty!"
"Shut up, Edward," Faye said angrily. "You got the info on this bountyhead?"
"Uh-huh uh-huh suuuuuure dooooo!" Edward chimed. The face of a teenaged boy appeared on the screen. "His name is Leeeee Sampson, and he's a hacker tracker! Go get him, Faye-Faye!"
"I sure will," Faye said. Suddenly, she spotted a tanker truck, cruising toward the road. "Bingo. That's him. But dang, where'd that kid get a driver's license? And HAZMAT certification? And... oh, wait. He stole them. Silly me."
Faye flew off in hot pursuit of the truck. Suddenly, it stopped. An extremely creepy-looking man got out. Faye gasped.
"Oh my God, that's the creepiest looking creep I've ever seen!" Faye shrieked. "That guy REALLY creeps me out. He gives me the creeps."
Then, the man disappeared into thin air. Faye gasped even louder.
"Okay, now I am REALLY freaking creeped out! I've gotta get the heck out of here! I-"
Before Faye could finish her sentence, the truck exploded in a huge, fiery, VERY cool explosion.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Faye screamed. She turned the Redtail around and flew back out into space.
This is a CNN News Special Report. SO PAY ATTENTION!
A man appeared on the screen with a solemn look on his face.
Dan Rather IV: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, and when I talk in this tone, you know it's something bad where tons of people have died. Yes, now all of you are paying attention. So I'm going to take you live on location to where the really bad thing happened. Riley?
A woman in a hazmat suit stands next to the burning remains of the large tanker truck from earlier.
Riley: Hello, I'm a really hot chick in a hazmat suit. Don't I turn you on?
Dan Rather IV: Honey, please, you can wear that suit all you want when you get home.
Riley: giggles You like it, Dan?Dan Rather IV: quietly Yes, honey, but I really don't want everyone to know that I have a hazmat suit fetish...
Riley: Oh, shut up, Dan. I'm your wife for God's sake. Anyway, I'm here live in Alba city, where this bigass tanker truck just blew up, killing a whole bunch of people and injuring a whole bunch more.
Dan Rather IV: Was this an accident, or was it terrorism?
Riley: The police say it was an accident right now, but there are rumors that this might be a terrorist attack-
Dan Rather IV: in a solemn, monotone voice Oh God, we're all gonna die.
Riley: The president of Mars has raised the terror alert all the way to light orange-red, meaning that there might be a chance of a threat that terrorists could attack within the next few days.
Dan Rather IV: I'm so scared.
Riley: Me too, Dan...
Dan Rather IV: Don't worry, baby. Come home and I'll hold you all night long.
Riley: Oh, Daaaaan...
"Spike, what do YOU think happened?" Jet asked.
"I don't care," Spike said. "I'm missing Passions because of this crap.
"Well, whoever did this is a horrible, horrible man," Andy said.
"What if it was a woman?" Spike asked.
"How dare you!" Andy shouted. "A woman would NEVER do something like this. They're so pretty and nice!'
"What's up?" Faye asked. She saw the TV. "Oh, Spike! I was so scared!"
Faye ran up to Spike and gave him a big hug.
"I was caught in that explosion," Faye said, tears streaming down her face. "I was so scared..."
"It'll be alright, baby," Spike said, embracing her. "I'll protect you."Spike and Faye facefaulted.
"So," Faye said, standing up. "I didn't catch that bountyhead."
"Faye, you idiot!" Jet shouted. "That was an easy five million. I'm ashamed of you."
"I was caught in that explosion, okay?" Faye shouted. "I was so scared...""Don't be frightened, little lady!" Andy said. "I, Samurai Andy, will protect you!"
"Uh... sure," Faye said, rather annoyed. "Anyway..."Spike, Jet, Ed, and Ein began to slink away from Faye.
"Keep your nasty anthrax germs away from me!" Spike shouted."What?" Faye yelled. "I don't have germs!""Geeeeermy Faye! Germy squirmy Faye!" Ed yelled.
"I don't have germs!" Faye shouted.
"The little lady is right," Andy said. "There's no way she could have germs. I'll kiss her right now and prove-"
"Touch me and die, cowboy," Faye said.
"See?" Jet said. "She's got the germs!"
"I'm a samurai!" Andy yelled indignantly. Onyx neighed.
"Meanwhile, there is a 300 million wulong bounty," Riley said. "If you bring the person in alive, 300 million wulongs are yours."
"Th-th-th-th-th-th-thr-thr-thr-THREE MILLION WULONGS?" Faye stammered. Then, she fainted.
"Welp, that's one down," Spike said. "That 300 million is mine. Go me!"
Meanwhile, in a hospital, two detectives were discussing the accident with two doctors.
"These people are coming in and just dying," the first doctor said.
"We're the best hospital in the solar system, and we can't do a thing for them," the second doctor said sadly. "And it's horrible, painful death too."
"How painful?" Detective #1 asked.
"Extremely painful," Doctor #1 said. "They're going like this..."
The doctor began shaking violently.
"Uh-guh-buh-guh-guh-buh!" the doctor shouted as he shook.
"And they're coughing up blood," Doctor #2 said. "Like this."He punched the first doctor in the stomach.
"Uh-guh-buh-guh-guh-buh!" the first doctor shouted again, this time coughing up blood onto the two detectives.
"That's a real lousy way to go," Detective #2 said.
"They start by just coughing and sneezing, you know?" the second doctor said. "But then it gets worse. And it's VERY contagious."
"I get it," Hoffman said. Suddenly, Detective #2 sneezed.
"Quick! Quarantine him now!" the first doctor shouted. The two doctors shoved Detective #2 into a safe, locked it up with heavy chains, and tossed the safe into a large, locked room with a metal door. They then welded the door shut.
"Uh... he just has allergies," Detective #1 said. "He always sneezes like that."
"Oh," doctor one said. An awkward 5 minute pause.
"I guess we'd better get him outta there, huh?" doctor #2 asked.
Back aboard the Bebop...
"I saw this guy!" Faye shouted. "He was the creepiest guy I'd ever seen. He just gave off a creepy vibe and stuff. He was helluva creepy!"
"We get it, Faye," Spike said.
"Faye, did that creepy guy hurt you in any way?" Andy asked in a concerned tone. "Because if he did, I swear I'll-"
"No, he didn't hurt me," Faye said. "I just SAW him. From far away."
"Well, he's dead now," Jet said. "I mean, if he just got out of the tanker, and then it blew up..."
"No, he survived," Faye said. "I know."
"How do you know?" Spike asked."Because he's CREEPY, Spike," Faye said. "He makes me shudder and sweat and I'm really creeped out by him. And he lived."
"Well, okay," Jet said.
"So, you think he made the tanker blow up?" Andy asked.
"He could have," Faye said. "But maybe it was that guy I was going after."
"You mean this guy?" Edward asked, pulling up a picture on the screen.
"That's Lee Samson, the bountyhead I was chasing," Faye said. "It... could be him. But he's just a kid!"
"Edward thinks he's kinda cutey cute," Edward said. "Ed has a crush on hiiiiiim!""Ed?" Spike said incredulously.
"Um, never mind," Edward said."That's not the creep," Faye said. "The creep is creepier than that. Like this."
Faye took out a piece of paper and drew a picture of the man. When she was finished, she screamed.
"Oh God, burn it!" Faye shouted. "Burn it, burn it, burn it!"Andy glimpsed at the picture.
"Aaaaaaah!" Andy screamed. "He's creepier than the bogeyman even! He IS the bogeyman! BURN IT!"
Spike and Jet looked at the picture.
"Ah, he's not that creepy," Spike said. "I'm going after him."
Spike left the room.
"Oh yeah?" Faye yelled. "Well, I don't care how creepy he is! I'm getting that 300 million bounty!"Faye stormed out of the room.
"And, uh... I'm going to get him too," Andy said. "For I am Samurai Andy!"Andy hopped onto Onyx's back and rode out of the room.
"Are yoooooooou going tooooooooo, Jet-person?" Edward asked sweetly.
"Why bother? I'd never catch him," Jet said. "I'm not going to be involved in this much at all. Like always. I'm just going to sit here. Alone."
"Wanna play chess?" Edward asked.
"No," Jet replied.
Three old men were sitting at a table, playing cards and thinking back to the good old days.
"Remember the good old days?" the first old man asked. "Back in 2003?"
"I sure do," the second old man asked. "We were in high school, and life was great."
"Remember when Eminem used to sing? He was the best rapper ever," the third old man said.
"No way," the first old man said. "Nelly was better.""DMX owns them both!" the second old man shouted. "Y'all gonna make me act a pool, up in here!"
"It was fool, you old fool," the first old man said. "And Nelly was much better. Goin' down down baby, yo street in a raincoat..."
"Range Rover!" the third old man shouted. "And Eminem was the best! I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady, all you other Slim Shadies are just irritating..."
"Imitating!" the first and second old men shouted.
"Sorry," the third old man said. "You know what? I'm about to run out of Viagra."
"Remember back when Viagra was first invented?" the first old man said. "And I stole some from my grandpa and we used it and then we picked up hookers?"
"We never did that," the second old man said.
"Those were the days," the third old man said nostalgically.
Meanwhile, Spike was talking to a Middle Eastern man named Rashid. The two men walked through a series of streets which were part of Moroccotown. Many Middle Eastern people walked around. Several small booths were open for the purposes of selling assorted trinkets.
"Now, being Islamic, you must know all about terrorism," Spike said.
"I will pretend you did not say that, my friend," Rashid said.
"I'm sorry," Spike said.
"You know what? I can't pretend you didn't say that," Rashid said angrily. "That was the most offensive, prejudiced statement I've ever heard in my life.""I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Spike shouted.
"You are forgiven, my friend," Rashid said, calming down. "Now, let me tell you about beans.""Are you trying to sell me drugs?" Spike asked.
"Yes, my friend," Rashid said. He walked Spike over to a small kiosk filled with hundreds of assorted trinkets, and many different beans. "See this bean?"
Rashid held one up."It's called Viagra," Rashid said. "It makes you horny."
"I see," Spike said. "I'll take three."
"No, no, no," Rashid said. "That's not the point I was trying to make. I was trying to tell you that terrorism is everywhere."
"You're confusing me," Spike said. "I just want to buy some Viagra."
"Oh, I'm afraid you can't do that, my friend," Rashid said.
"But it's here! For sale!" Spike shouted.
"Come, my friend," Rashid said, grabbing Spike by the arm and dragging him into a small store. "This is the pot store."
"I'll take thirty pounds," Spike said.
"Even if I meant that kind of pot, which I don't, you don't have enough money to buy thirty pounds of pot," Rashid said."I sure do," Spike said, holding up a large wad of cash.
"Wow," Rashid said, rather amazed. He handed Spike a large bag of pot and took the money. "But I came here to show you something else, my friend."
Rashid held up a large vase.
"That's a vase, not a pot," Spike said.
"Shut up and take the stupid vase," Rashid said. "Within its vasiness you will find everything you are looking for, my friend."
Rashid handed Spike the vase, so that now, Spike was holding the large bag of pot AND the vase.
"Uh... a little help?" Spike asked. "I can't carry-"
Rashid pushed Spike out the door and shut it behind him. Spike collapsed onto the ground, the weight of the pot and the vase proving to be too much for him. Meanwhile, a woman, wearing a veil, walked up to him. She pointed her finger and laughed.
"Ha ha!" the woman shouted.
Meanwhile, in a big truck driving down the road, Lee was sitting in the passenger seat, playing a Gameboy Advance. Vincent was sitting next to him, driving the truck.
"This is my kinda game!" Lee shouted. "Take your DVDs and your holographs and your 12,000 exobit capabilities and shove them up your arse! This is the real deal, man!"
Vincent ignored Lee, a large frown on his face.
"I mean, Virtual Sex Fighter is nice when you're hooked up to a big hologram simulator, but give me Mario Kart anyday! And look, I'm in third! This game is really tough!"
"I don't care," Vincent growled. "Shut up. And put on some headphones. That game is loud. It bothers me."
"Aw, you're no fun," Lee pouted.
Meanwhile, at a drive-in movie theatre....
"This is my kinda movie!" Jet shouted. "Take your DVDs and your holographs and your $100,000,000,000,000 special effects and shove them up your ass! This is the real deal, man!"
Bob ignored Jet, a large smile on his face.
"I mean, 32 Fast 32 Furious is nice when you're watching it from inside a big hologram simulator, but give me The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly anyday! And look, they can actually act! This movie is really good!"
"Jet, are we gonna save the world, or not?" Bob asked.
"No, I'd rather watch old movies," Jet said.
"You said it!" Bob shouted.
Meanwhile, outside a really dark and scary warehouse...
"Vincent, I think you're really freaking crazy, man," said the man standing outside the warehouse. "I mean, you give me the creeps."
"I do that to a lot of people," Vincent said."He does," Lee said. "Well, except for me. I'm blissfully unaware that this guy is a sick, sadistic, homicidal maniac who's going to end up killing me in a horrible way by the end of the movie."
"Fair enough," the man said.
"When you die, you're going to Hell," Vincent said, pointing at the man. "I'm going to Purgatory. So there."
"Where am I going?" Lee asked.
"I dunno," Vincent said. "And I don't care.""I hope I go to Magical Video Game Land when I die," Lee said. "That's where Sporky Dorky lives!"
"Vincent, why the hell do you hang out with that dork?" the man asked.
Vincent didn't say a word. He took out a small knife and stabbed the man in the chest.
"Ha ha!" Lee shouted.
BIGSHOT- The Show For Bounty Hunters
Paunch: Oh boy, hombres, this is a huge bounty!
Judy: Oh, I know! I know!Paunch: If you can find the person responsible for that tanker explosion, you get... 300 million wulongs!Judy: It's the second biggest bounty ever! The biggest one was awarded to Faye Valentine for catching Osama Bin Laden!
Paunch: Think Osama's behind this latest terrorist attack?
Judy: But Osama's dead.
Paunch: What about his ghost?
Judy: Oooh, ghosts are scary!
Paunch: I know!
Judy: Hold me...
"Osama's ghost?" Faye asked. "Osama's ghost?"
"I killed Osama," Andy said. "I killed him with a ball!"
"Shut up, Andy," Faye said.
"Faye-Faye, looky looky what Ed found!" Ed shouted. "It's the creepy guy datacase!"
Faye looked at the screen. She screamed.
"BURN IT!" Faye shrieked. "So many creepy guys!"Edward giggled."Faye-Faye is scaredy kitty," Edward said.
"Whatever," Faye groaned. She looked at the pictures of the creepy people. "Oooh, there's Michael Jackson. Hey, wait, he was in my hot guy dream."
"Michael Jackson is Wacko Jacko," Edward said, shaking her head.
"Well, it's not him," Faye said. She gasped. "It's that guy! He's the creepy one!"
Faye pointed to the picture of a man with scraggly black hair.
"He had a mustache when I saw him... and a beard... but it's the same guy!" Faye shouted.
"That's Vincent Volaju," Jet said, looking at him. "He's dead."
"What?" Faye shouted.
"Oooh, he's a zooooooombie!" Edward shouted.
"No wonder I thought he was creepy," Faye said. "But there's no such thing as zombies!"
"How do you know?" Andy asked. "This guy creeps me out the more I see him..."
"I thought you guys left," Jet said.
"We came back, idiot," Faye said angrily.
"I just went out to get one of those new McRibs," Andy said. "Available for a limited time!"
Suddenly, the door opened. Spike walked in, straining to carry a large vase and the 30-pound bag of pot.
"Spike!" Faye shouted.
Spike set down the vase and the pot, then collapsed onto the stairs. Faye ran to him.
"Spike, are you okay? Spike!" Faye shouted in a concerned tone before facefaulting next to the vase. Edward ran over to the vase and hopped inside. Meanwhile, Andy ran over and looked at the bag of pot.
"Spike, this is thirty pounds of marijuana!" Andy shouted. Jet ran over and grabbed the bag of pot.
"I'm uh... confiscating this. Because I'm a cop and I can!" Jet shouted. He ran off with the bag of pot and ducked into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.
"I raided your piggy bank," Spike said. "That's how I could afford it.""You WHAT?" Andy shouted.
Spike stood up.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Spike asked."I'm gonna do this!" Andy yelled. He rushed at Spike and threw a punch at him. Spike dodged the punch and kicked at Andy's head.
"Men," Faye groaned, walking over to Edward. "Anyway, I'm going to try and catch this Vincent guy. I think he's the only person creepy enough to kill those people like he did."
Edward hopped out of the vase.
"Be careful, Faye-Faye!" Edward yelled as Faye left.
"I'll be fine," Faye said, turning her head toward Edward. "It's not like I'm going to find the guy, pass out, wake up with my arms and legs tied, and get my shirt cut open or anything."
Faye left. As she did, Spike and Andy, having finished their fight, fell to the ground, their faces covered in cuts and bruises.
"You... jerk..." Andy panted.
"Doodoo... head..." Spike breathed, barely able to stay conscious.
"Oooh, guys, Ed found something in the vase!" Ed yelled, holding up a small blue marble. "Guys guys guys, look look look!"
Meanwhile, at the arcade, Lee was shooting at a holographic screen."I'm gonna win!" Lee shouted. "I'm just a few hundred points away from seeing Sporky Dorky! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Just then, Faye walked up to Lee seductively.
"Hey there," Faye said, smiling. "What'cha up to?""DON'T BOTHER ME!" Lee shouted in an extremely angry tone. "I'm about to see Sporky Dorky!"
"Oh yeah?" Faye asked. "Wouldn't you rather see... these?"
Faye opened up her vest, exposing her bare breasts to Lee. Lee turned around and looked at them."Oh my God!" Lee shouted. "Those have to be the biggest boobs I've ever seen in my entire-"
"GAME OVER. GAME OVER." said a computer-sounding voice coming from the game. Lee gasped.
"No!" Lee shouted. "I... I lost!"
"Aww, too bad," Faye said, closing her shirt.
"I didn't... get to see... Sporky Dorky!" Lee shouted. "You... you..."
"You got to see my boobs," Faye said. She took out her gun and pointed it at Lee's head. "Now, hands above your head!"
"You made me... angry," Lee said, growling. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
"Yeah, well... anyway... hands above your head!" Faye shouted. "I'll shoot you."
Lee's eyes narrowed. His muscles began to bulge up. He began growling animalistically.
"I... wanted to see... SPORKY DORKY!" Lee shouted. His skin turned green, and his muscles got even bigger, bursting and tearing his close.
"Uh... oh..." Faye gulped. Lee had turned into... The Incredible Hulk!
Set me free
Set me free
'Cause I really gotta pee
I wanted to see Sporky Dorky!!!
Set me free
Set me free
I'm so angry I can't see
Set me free
SET ME FREEEEEEE!
As the hard rock song played in the background, the Hulk chased Faye through the arcade. Miraculously, Faye escaped, running out into the street as the Hulk destroyed the arcade.
"At least I didn't piss off Spiderman," Faye said, leaning up against a nearby building and panting heavily.
Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop, Ed and Jet were studying the marble on their handy-dandy Electron Microscope... OF SCIENCE!
"What is it, Ed?" Jet asked.
"Well... it's a lymphocyte," Edward said.
"Like in the blood?" Jet asked.
"I'm not finished," Edward said. "It's a cytolympholymphocyteolymphoctyealymphocytolymphocyteacytolymphocytolympho cytolympholymphocyteolymphoctyealymphocytolymphocyteacytolymphocytolympho cytolympholymphocyteolymphoctyealymphocytolymphocyteacytolymphocytolymphocyte!"
"That was an Ed-aria, Ed," Jet said. "And it confused the hell outta me."
"This will confuse Jet-person even more!" Edward said. "Looky looky!"
Jet looked into the microscope. The normal lymphocyte moved like a normal lymphocyte would, while the lymphocyte in the blue marble stood up and gave Jet the finger.
"What are you lookin' at, punk?" the lymphocyte yelled. "Yeah, that's right, punk! You better be scared! You better be scared, punk!"
"That lymphocyte was really rude," Jet said.
"Uh-huh," Edward said. "Rude with attitude!""What's it mean?" Jet asked."Ed will find out!" Ed shouted. She skipped over to the door and exited the room.
"Now I'm alone," Jet said. "I think I'll go play with myself."
"Don't look, you mangy mutt," Jet said.
Meanwhile, in the Cherious Medical building, two dudes and a really hot chick were talking about things that could affect the whole wide world. So they'd better do a damn good job!
"Sir, I think it's Vincent doing this stuff," said the first man to the second, official-looking one.
"It couldn't be Vincent," said the woman, whom we'll call Electra. "Vincent's a good guy!"
"I'm going to believe the Vincent Is Evil theory," said the second man. "Electra, you've got to check this thing out."
"But I'm telling you-"
"You wanna get pimpslapped?" the second man asked.
"No," Electra sighed. "I'll go..."
Elsewhere in the building, at the entrance...
"This'll be easy," Spike said, walking up to a metal detector guarded by two security guards. He walked through the metal detector. It beeped.
"You'll have to open your trenchcoat, sir," the first security guard said, pointing to the trenchcoat Spike was wearing. Spike opened it up, revealing a large mop.
"Holy smokes!" the second guard yelled. Before he could react, Spike took out the mop and smacked the guard with it, knocking him out. He spun around and hit the other guard with the mop, taking him out as well. Techno music began playing.
"Oh geez, I really didn't want this," Spike sighed. More guards rushed into the room, shooting at Spike. Spike leapt over their bullets and onto the wall. He walked up the wall, onto the ceiling, then dropped down in front of two guards and knocked them out with the mop. More guards shot at him. Doing fancy, slow-motion cartwheels to dodge the bullets, he got up and swung his mop at three more guards, hitting them all in the face and knocking them out as well. Another guard ran at Spike. Spike leapt up in slow-motion and kicked him in the face, then spun around as the camera rotated around him, Matrix-style, and smashed yet another guard in the face with the mop. Having knocked out all the guards, Spike casually entered the elevator and headed up to the top floor.
Meanwhile, in an alley elsewhere in the city...
"I can't find Vincent anywhere, Onyx," Andy said, riding his horse down a busy street. "And people are looking at us."
Onyx neighed."You're right, Onyx. I must press on! For I am Samurai Andy!"
Suddenly, Andy heard screaming noises coming from an alley.
"Cries for help! C'mon, Onyx, let's save the day again!"
Emitting a loud, samurai-like yell, Andy rode Onyx toward the alley.
Meanwhile, back at Cherious Medical...
"This place is guarded like crazy," Spike said. "I've had to knock out like, a hundred guys with this mop."
Electra, walking down the hall, spotted Spike. She approached him.
"Who are you?" Electra asked.
"I am the defender of justice! I am truth! I am light! ALLY TO GOOD, NIGHTMARE TO YOU!" Spike shouted.
"Oh," Electra said. "Well, I'm gonna have to take you in."
The techno music started again. Spike took out his mop and swung it at Electra. Electra ducked under the mop and punched Spike in the face. Spike staggered back.
"Wow, a woman that can actually go toe-to-toe with me," Spike said. "I like getting beaten up by woman."
"You some kind of a masochist or something?" Electra asked, dodging a kick from Spike.
"Well, if that's what you're into..." Spike said. Electra growled and launched a flurry of punches and kicks at Spike, which Spike parried by holding up the mop. He chucked the mop at Electra, hitting her in the forehead and knocking her over. Then, he ran off.
"After him!" Electra shouted. Two guards appeared next to her. Electra and the guards chased Spike through the building.
"I'm at a dead end!" Spike shouted, backed up against a large window by Electra and the guards.
"You can't escape!" Electra shouted. "Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK... oh, wait, I'm completely confused."
"Ha!" Spike shouted. "Now I'm gonna do this!"
Spike crashed through the window and fell into a dump truck below. Electra gasped.
"How'd he do that?" Electra yelled. "Well, if he can do that, I can do it too!"
Electra leaped through the window... and landed on the street below, making an Electra-shaped hole in the ground.
"Ouch," Electra groaned.
Meanwhile, in the alley, the girl from the convenience store was in trouble yet again.
"Aaah!" the girl screamed, surrounded by four tough-looking guys.
"Hey, what do we do with her?" the first tough-looking guy said.
"Let's rob her!" the second guy shouted.
"Let's rape her!" the third guy shouted.
"Let's kill her!" the fourth guy shouted.
"No, no, no, I've got a better idea in mind!" the first guy said. He took out a TV and a Nintendo 64. "Let's force her to play Superman 64!'"Yeah!" the other three guys cheered.
"Not Superman 64!" the girl shrieked, trembling in fear. "Anything but that!"
Suddenly, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.
"Wha?" the first tough guy muttered. "What's that?"
Onyx galloped into the alley. Samurai Andy hopped off of his horse and drew his sword.
"You fiends leave that little lady alone!" Andy shouted. "For I am Samurai Andy! I shall put an end to your evil ways! Ayiyiyiyiyi!"
"My hero!" the girl said joyfully.
"Oh yeah?" the first tough guy said. "Well, we're going to... run! Aaaah!"
The four tough guys ran off."Are you okay, little lady?" Andy asked the girl.
"I am," the girl said. "Thanks to you!"
"Well, I must be going now," Andy said. "Do you need a ride back to your home?"
"No," the girl said. "But, um... there's something I always wanted to do."
"What's that?" Andy asked.
A few minutes later...
Andy, dressed in a Spiderman costume and mask, hung upside down from a crane. A busted fire hydrant sprayed water into the alley to make it look like it was raining.
"Okay!" Andy said. "All set up!"
The girl walked over to Andy, pulled down his mask so that his lips were exposed, and gave him a long, wet, sexy kiss. Then, she pulled the mask back up. Andy hopped off of the crane onto Onyx and rode off, still dressed in the Spiderman costume.
"Now I know how Mary Jane feels! Yay!" the girl said happily. "Thank you, Samurai Andy!"
Meanwhile, in the street, the Hulk was wreaking havoc. Andy rode up to him, still dressed in the Spiderman costume. He gasped."That guy's huge!" Andy shouted. "I'll stop him!"
Andy hopped off of his horse and ran at the Hulk. Meanwhile, innocent bystanders began to look on in amazement.
"Oh my God!" yelled a teenage boy. "Spiderman is fighting the Hulk!"
A fat man with a brown ponytail gasped, dropping the box of donuts he was carrying.
"Spiderman is fighting the Hulk?" the man shouted. "Best. Movie. Ever."
Andy threw a punch at the Hulk, but the Hulk swatted him away, causing him to smash into a nearby building.
"See, I told you the Hulk could beat Spiderman," said a boy standing next to a slightly smaller girl, apparently his little sister. "You're stupid."
Andy ran at the Hulk again. The Hulk swatted at Andy, but Andy ducked between the Hulk's legs and got up behind him. He unsheathed his sword and stabbed it into the Hulk's back. The Hulk roared in pain.
"Spiderman doesn't have a sword!" the fat man shouted angrily. "Worst. Movie. Ever."
The Hulk collapsed to the ground and began to shrink. The sword fell out of him, and the Hulk completely detransformed, back into Lee Samson.
"I won!" Andy shouted, removing his Spiderman mask and costume. "Who's the man? Andy's the man!"
"Oh, it's just two costumed losers," said the teenaged boy. "You guys suck!"Lee got up and looked at Andy.
"You!" Lee shouted. "You're a bounty hunter!'"Eh?" Andy said.
"Well, um... take this!"Lee snapped his fingers, causing all of the computer monitors in the area to go bonkers. Then, he ran off.
"I'm a samurai," Andy said. "Not a bounty hunter... hey wait, wasn't that someone important? Oh well."
"You saw Lee?" Faye shouted.
"Well, yeah," Andy said. "I beat him, too. It was really cool-"
"YOU STUPID STINKY COWBOY!" Faye yelled, kicking Andy in the groin. "Why didn't you grab him?"
"Ungh..." Andy groaned, lying on the ground in pain. "I'm a samurai...."
"Faye-Faye, don't be mad!" Edward said happily. "We found something cooly cool!"
"That blue marble thing is a lymphocyte impersonator," Jet said. "Evidently, this virus thing is being caused by tiny, rude little nanomachines."
"Really?" Faye said.
"Yeah, it gave me the finger," Jet said.
"Wow..." Faye said in disbelief. "That's really interesting, Jet."
"I saw the most beautiful woman in the whole world," Spike said. "And she's as tough as me.""She's not more beautiful than me!" Faye yelled. "Not like I'd EVER love you, Spike. You're even worse than Andy."
"Well, anyway..." Jet said, looking at the ship's computer. "I think that we'd better just find this Samson guy and make him tell us everything."
"Yeah, well, we would have had him if Andy hadn't been such a STUPID STINKY COW... SAMURAI! WHATEVER!" Faye screamed.
"Look!" Edward shouted, pointing at the screen. "Someone's sending us a super-duper hidden message!"
Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Gimme something good to eat
If you don't
I don't care
I'll yank down your underwear
"That's rude," Faye said. "If anybody ever yanks down my underwear, I'll kill them."
"Well, what does it mean?" Jet asked.
"I don't know, but I'm going to find out," Faye said. She walked out of the room.
"Edward will help, Faye-Faye!" Ed shouted, following Faye.
"What are you gonna do, Spike?" Jet asked."Kick Andy while he's down, of course," Spike said, kicking Andy as he writhed on the floor in pain. "It's fun."
"Argh!" Andy screamed.
Ed strolled down the streets of Mars, looking for Lee. Ein followed her.
"Gonna find him, gonna mind him, gonna wind him!" Edward sang, dancing down the street.
You know my daddy got mad when he was 5
And he walked right out the door
Then he followed in the steps of his old man
And he bought himself a whore
And so when I was 13 I tried to find
A little bit of oil
So I started diggin'
You can't get rich quick when you're just cold and lonely
All you can afford is some baloney
That old prospector who sold me those tools
Just made an ass out of me
Out of me
Edward walked up to the first door she saw and knocked on it. A white-haired old man wearing a red sweater stepped outside.
"Hello, Mister Man!" Edward said. "Are yooooou Lee?"
"Don't call me Mister Man!" the man shouted, extremely irate. "You will call me Mr. Knight or Coach Knight! Not Mister Man!"
Bobby Knight IV reached out to choke Edward, but Edward ran off before he could.
"Whew, that guy was scary..." Edward said. "Next dooooooor!"
Edward strolled up to the second door and knocked on it. A woman stepped outside.
"Hello, little boy!" the woman said. "I'm Pamela Anderson IV! Want some of these?"
The woman held her breasts up to Edward. Edward gasped.
"You look like Faye-Faye, only, um... you're not Faye-Faye!" Edward yelled. "And Edward is a girl!""Oh!" Pamela Anderson IV said. "Well, you're not getting my boobs! They're mine!"She slammed the door in Edward's face.
"Oooh la la..." Edward said quietly. Suddenly, she spotted Lee, running into a nearby building. Edward jumped up and down.
"Leeeeeeee! Ed seeeeeeeeees Leeeeeee!" Edward yelled jubilantly. She whipped out a cell phone, dialed up Faye, and yelled into the reciever. "ED SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES LEEEEEEEEEEEEE!""Great!" Faye said. "Just stay there, okay?"
"Okay!" Edward said. She hung up. "La la la..."
Suddenly, a group of children ran by.
"Wanna go to Willy Wonka's factory?" the first child asked. "Because... I've got a golden ticket!"
"I've got a golden ticket!" Edward sang. "I've got a golden chance to make my day! I've got a golden ticket, it's a golden day!"
Edward and Ein followed the kids toward Willy Wonka's factory, the magical land of delicious candy. Just as the children went out of sight, Faye flew up to the building in her Redtail.
"Darn it!" Faye shouted. "Edward...."Faye sighed.
"Oh well, I'll eventually find Lee. It's in the plot!"
Meanwhile, inside Vincent's creepy apartment...
"Vincent, what'cha doin?" Lee asked.
"I'm playing with myself," Vincent said. "See, it says here, if you leave one marble, you're a genius. If you leave two, you're purdy smart. If you leave three, you're just plain dumb. And if you leave four, you're just plain egg-nor-a-moose!"
"Looks like you're just plain egg-nor-a-moose," Lee said, noticing the four marbles left on the board. "Too bad.""You know what's too bad?" Vincent asked. "I can't play with myself with you watching."
Vincent picked up one of the marbles and crunched it in his hand, then tossed it in Lee's face.
"Hey, just because you're just plain egg-nor-a-moose doesn't mean you have to get snippy about it," Lee said. "I mean-"
Suddenly, Lee began to sneeze and cough.
"Who's egg-nor-a-moose NOW, punk?" Vincent shouted. "Mwahahahaha!"
Faye burst into the apartment. She took out her gun and snuck around quietly.
"I'm going to get those 300 million wulongs!" Faye shouted. "Nobody can stop me now!"
Just then, Lee stumbled out in front of Faye.
"Uh-guh-buh-guh-guh-buh!" Lee shouted. "Uh-guh-buh-guh-guh-buh!"
Lee collapsed to the ground. Faye ran over to him and slapped a pair of handcuffs on his wrists.
"Ha!" Faye shouted. "I caught Samson!"Faye did the dance of victory in the middle of the room. She turned to Lee again.
"Now you'll never get to see Sporky Dorky," Faye said. "Too bad.
Lee didn't move or speak.
"Hey now, you don't have to be like that," Faye said, kneeling down close to him. "Look, you're a kid, so you'll probably get out in a few years..."
"Oh my God, they've killed Lee! You bast-" Faye yelled before she began to cough violently. She stumbled around and bumped into Vincent.
"Hey," Vincent said.
"You...." Faye said, coughing and sputtering. "You.... you killed... you..."
Faye pointed her gun at Vincent and shot at him, but missed, hitting him in the hand. Vincent smiled. Faye collapsed to the floor.
"Now I have someone to play with," Vincent said. He licked up the blood from his hand, covering his lips with it.
"Oh, great, he's going to do something creepy,"Faye thought. Vincent leaned over and kissed Faye hard on the lips. She passed out in his arms.
"Now I have my very own love slave!" Vincent shouted. "Muhahahaha! Muhahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahaha!"Vincent sighed.
"I wish I had a cute, hairless little cat to stroke evilly," Vincent said. "And I wish I was bald. And I had a grey suit. And.... well, at least I have Faye. Muhahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"
Well, that's it, folks! We're halfway through the movie, so grab some snacks, go to the bathroom, play the Sporky Dorky game in the lobby... and come back next Saturday when I'll write the second half of Cowboy Bebop: The Funnierer Session- Knocking Up Faye Once More!