Title: You Said
Author: Emily
Category: Buffy/Angel
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Buffy reflects back on Angel as she dies.
Timeline/Spoilers: Nothing specific. Future fic.
Music: Tori Amos: I Can't See New York.

You Said

" And you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me
here and you said you would
find me even in Death
and you said
and you said
You'd find me

I always envisioned us together. When I died. When you died. Together even in death. I guess I was naive back then, I never opened my eyes to see what was right in front of me. But then, how could the sixteen year old me have possibly known. You would leave me and I would be here alone. I would never have known. If you'd told me I'd never have believed you. I would be the girl who swore herself forever to you and promised you always in face of everything. And with us, everything was a lot. I gave it to you too - everything I had and I still can't understand how that wouldn't be enough for you. Whatever it was that you gave me, it was enough for me. It was enough to make my world make sense. Oh I would never have believed this would happen, I would still be that girl and I couldn't ever believe that we might end.

You were a vampire, I was a Slayer and wasn't it romantic? We were in love and I thought that love was all we needed. Clich├ęd and corny but I thought we could cope with whatever life threw at us because we had each other. You kept me hanging on when I was falling. Now, though, now I'm falling and where are you? I'm falling more than I ever have and ever will and you're not here. You haven't been here for the longest time. I guess you're not coming back.

You know, after you left disappeared into the smoke after looking at me - so calmly, as though this wasn't shredding your soul into a thousand jagged pieces but maybe it didn't though. Maybe it didn't. I try and tell myself that you never really loved me because somehow that makes things easier. It's easier than believing that you loved me, and now you don't. You falling out of love with me is something I can't handle. See, I never stopped loving you. I'm still that girl that promised you always in face of everything and swore herself forever to you. I'm still that girl but you're not still that boy and this never was a simple love story like that. You left just like that and I always told myself you'd come back for me. You never came back for me though and you never rode me off into the sunset and kissed me and told me things would be okay.

Things weren't okay, Angel. They haven't been okay since you left and now I'm dying. It's not as though that really matters to you of course because I'm no longer your everything. And maybe you'll weep a little for that pretty blond girl you used to love but it won't tear you in two because the only person you've ever loved is gone. That's what your death would do to me because I'm stupid, or innocent enough to still love you in spite of everything. You see, I remember everything and I can't stop loving you because of that. Do you remember telling me that things could get out of control? I think maybe you were right. I think maybe you killed me. Yeah, things got out of control. And do you remember kissing me? Do you remember any of it? I only want you to remember. Not to remember it through the jaded eyes of someone who looks back and dismisses it as first love but to remember. Like you were there and you felt every sweet and painful second of it. That's all I want.

That, and for you to love me and be here and to never have left me. Yeah, that's all. Everything. What happened to my everything? What happened to us? I think maybe I should write these questions down. Mail you a letter. You're not mine anymore and you don't know what I'm thinking and you don't even know that I'm here dying. That's okay, soon I'll be gone and you won't even have to suffer from vague recollections of the girl you used to love. So goodbye. You've already said goodbye and now it's my turn. I promised you always and for so long I've been here waiting for always. I'm not anymore though. I can't wait for my world to make sense again. Things got out of control and I'm sorry that I couldn't be enough for your forever. I'm sorry you're still my forever.

" you again
it's you again
I can't see
I can't see