Title: Choices 1/3

Author: Silvi
Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize belong to someone else, as usual.
Fandom: Ats
Category: Angst.

Characters/Pairing: Angelus, SpikeAngel (mentioned.)
Rating: PG

Spoilers: None

AN: Just something that ran around in my mind for a while begging to be written, strangely enough it was inspired from the line – "Forgive me father, but I have sinned."

Something to keep in mind: Angel and Angelus are separated, how and why is not relevant to the story. Spike has been involved with both of them.

Feedback: Please!

Dedication: To anyone who likes Angelus sympathetic and that once in a while likes to read him as other then the great sadistic psycho that he is.


Summary: Choices are made...


& & & & &

Angelus POV:

Walking into the room I look around deciding that this is the best spot. Beside I don't have much time even if it had been different. He is coming. Taking off my jacket I lay it across the back of the sofa. Looking around I find what I need to light up the fire in the fireplace. Someone has already stashed it with wood.

Stepping up to it and kneeling in front of the cold place I began to prepare the fire, it doesn't take long before the flames are merrily licking the wood and cast the room into a golden glow, shadows dancing over the many bookshelves surrounding the walls.

It's a rather strange room, back in the day it would have been called a library but it works today both as an office and a sitting room. Beside the fireplace is the liquor table disguised as a globe. Looking closer its rather detailed in both the names of the countries and rivers. I must admire the craftsmanship of it. If you open it, it would divide itself in half reviling a hollow core where the bottles are and some glasses.

Looking around I spot a small mahogany table and I move it over. Taking out two glasses I put them on the flat surface and retrieve the special bottle I manage to acquire. I have great plans for tonight that could possibly change the course of my life.

Walking back to the jacket on the sofa I rummage through the pockets until I find what I was looking for. A small wooden box wrapped in silk not much bigger then the palm of my hand.

It took me a month to find the object that lie within and I can't wait to see Will´s expression when he sees it.

Taking it firmly in my hand I return to the fireplace and place the box on the table. There are small lamps placed strategically around the room which I decide to light, not that I would need the light. It takes me but moments before I´m back at the table. Looking at the clock I see I have a few minute until William is suppose to be here. I know I should call him Spike, after all it is the name he has gone under for the last hundred years but I can't do it. To me he will always be William, Will.

Taking up the bottle I read over the etiquette and I can't help but feel just a little bit proud that I have manage to acquire it considering it suppose to be almost impossible.

Suddenly I hear the floorboards outside the door creak and I settle the bottle down. When I talked to him earlier today something was off but I hope it's nothing serious, but suddenly I begin to feel something that I most surtenly don't like, nervousness. Bleach.

I don't turn around when I hear the door open and the smell of my youngest child drifts over to me. I close my eyes to savour it more and I can't help but whince a little when I detect a lingering smell of Angel on him.

No matter how much time pass I don't think I'll ever get used to that.

"Sire?" I hear him call out. Uh oh, he called me sire. When he willingly does that nothing good ever comes out of it. Experience has taught me that.

Without stopping what I was doing I calmly set the wrapped box on the small table beside me.

I can't wait to present it to him. A new beginning for us, even though I have to include Angel.

Perhaps when I'm more around them I will be able to insert myself between those two, they have spend a lot of time together lately and I don't like it. It worries me the way he looks at my boy. But not half as much of what I'm beginning to see in his clear blue eyes.

Turning around I look him over. He is dressed as always in his leather coat, his bleached hair slicked back, lords how I dislike that style. I dreadfully miss his soft honeyed locks and the times when I could spend literally hours passing my fingers through them making him purr.

I narrow my eyes at him when I see him standing there fidgeting. He hasn't done that for years, not even before I ran into those gypsies.

"Sire we need to talk" I hear him say. Lifting an eyebrow I return to the small table behind me softly saying in the tone of voice I know makes him shiver.

"Oh really, what about?"

I can hear him take a step towards me and clinks of crystal can be heard as I take out two glasses filling it up with a really old bottle of whiskey – took me forever to find the one I wanted but it is a special night so nothing but the best would do. Cost a small fortune too.

"I know- I know that you called me hear for a reason but I think it would be best if you could hear me out first."

Stuttering are we? My, something heavy must be weighing on your mind.

Casting a look over a shoulder I indicate for him to go ahead.

"When I first heard you where back and whole, well you won't ever know how glad I was. Especially knowing that you where you, not like last time...anyway off topic. It's really been a dream everything, the fact that you helped me with the chip even though the buggers, the fucking PTB, made so that I can't really kill innocent-"

"So, you're my child. What else would I have done?" I just had to interrupt him. Beside I don't see where all this rambling is going which I tell him.

"You accept me, sire. The way I am even though I'm not a real vampire anymore, though it's been fun to watch you and Angel dishing it out, man I never thought I'd see the day when you two-"

"Considering the situation we're both in there isn't really any other choice, now is it Will. We have an agreement, his little humans' pets leave me alone, and I leave them alone. And you must agree that I'm quit gracious considering I'm sharing you with him."

"Yeah...you asked me something the other day, remember?"

I wonder why he won't look me in the eyes. Taking the glasses I turn to face him leaning a little against the table. "I remember."

"It made me think-"I can't help but snort at that and I'm graced with a quick upturn of his lips. "Yeah, well it did. We been doing this for months and in the end I don't think this can last."

Huh? What does he mean?

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, don't be like that Angelus!"

Back to Angelus I see. I don't say anything, I just let my look speak for me.

"Being with you is everything I hope it would be, better even!"

I hear a but coming in. "But." I say.

"But- but it's not enough." He whispers down to the carpet. Strange considering I'm not lying there.

"Not enough..."

"No..." he whimpers, he actually whimpers! I can't react, hell I don't even know what this is all about, and how the hell should I know how to react?! Oh but I see I'm about to find out.

He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders, it would have been funny the way he seamed to readying himself for battle if it weren't for the fact that I suddenly have a very bad feeling about this.

"If there is a choice to be made, sire, no matter how much I love you I –"

"You what?" I say quietly not wanting to hear it. He seams to deflate a little though you have to forgive me if I don't feel any sympathy towards him right now. He has me so confused, of the likes I haven't been since Darla took me to Sicily, that one time...

"Forgive me sire, but I- I choose Angel".

Huh? What? Where the hell did that come from? I can't believe he- what the hell does he mean! Oh he is still talking.

"...So you see, don't you. You understand. You can't give me what I want, no need. It's not your fault though, really-"

I just stand there, tuning him out because really who could listen to that! He continues to prattle about my inabilities and that he still loves, I am his sire after all, that will never change. My ears are starting to buzz, quite a strange experience I tell you.

Oh look what an honest face he is putting up, one could almost believe him, almost...

He takes a step to me but at the last moment he freezes, good because I don't know what I would have done if he had walked up to me, not the way I'm feeling.

His eyes shines likes he is in pain and he heaves a deep sigh before he turns around and walks to the door. He cast one look behind him and opens the door all-silent like before he disappears, the door slowly closing after him.

The fire burns clear and strong casting shadows everywhere and the only sound is the cracking of the wood as the flames lick their sides, consuming them. Suddenly there's a sound of glass breaking against a hard surface and I feel wetness spreading at the end of my trousers.

Looking down I see the broken glasses, didn't realize I had been holding them, the liquid staining the hardwood floor sipping into the cracks and I can still smell the age of whiskey, a hint of the old country still there, wafting up to me.

Looking at my hands like they would have been able to tell me why I had dropped them I can only see what I have seen countless of times before; smooth skin covering large slender hands. There is a lot these hands are capable of doing, have done in fact. They so lie about the strength this hands have, like everything about us really. I think I'm drifting there, seams my mind shy away from what has just happened.

I can't believe my Will did that! No not my Will, not anymore. Once again the soul wins, had it been any other time I would have been burning with fury and yes I can feel it rising up in me. Always, always the soul. How I hate that simpering Child-steeling fool. And I thought we where all beginning to get along.

No, I can't blame it on Angel, he is responsible for a lot of things but he wouldn't have been able to tell Will- err Spike, what to do. But why?! I lost everyone to him – Darla, Penn, even Dru. Why Will? My Will, my little boy.

Stupidly I look at the door, if I didn't know better I would have thought that I was hoping for him to be back, or better yet that from the moment he step into the room that it didn't happened, it was just a freaking nightmarish hallucination I conjured up. That the last ten minutes could play out again but different this time.

It feels like I'm walking under water as i step forward, the anger that has been my companion for so long taking root in me again. But something else is blooming in my chest and I can't identify it, not yet.

Suddenly everything becomes crystal clear and the knowledge that this really happened is cemented in me, and I know what it is I'm feeling.

They say I can't love, that it is an emotion alien to me, that I am incapable of it – Will just basically said the same – if that is true then why does my heart feel like it's breaking? Why does it feel like my world has just come tumbling down?

My chest feels like its cramping and I think I can fell the taste of dust on the back of my mouth. My eyes sting, but I refuse to cry. I'm Angelus, one of the most powerful master vampires that have ever walked this earth! I do not Cry.

I fist my hands at the side gritting my teeth fighting the urge to go into "game face" and roar. They would hear me...

Tilting my head up I wait for the urge to pass. When it resides I suddenly feel my strength leave my legs and I feel a thud against my knees. Looking around I realize that I have fallen to my knees and with it the rage, everything disappears, leaving me empty and an echoing hollow inside.

I feel wetness on my chin and lifting a hand I trace my finger across the flesh. I lift them to my eyes. There is dampness on them, red-tinged water. Tears. They are tears. For the first time in my existence I'm crying, and I let myself. I will give me this moment, and this moment only to mourn.

I wouldn't be able to tell you how much time passed, only that by the time the tears reseeded the shadows outside the window were far darker and pressing into the room.

I hurt and I ache but I know, by the time I rise again to my feat and leave this room nothing will remain. No evidence of my weakness. I have lost the last thing that ever mattered to me and what kept me grounded, but no more.

I can feel the cold sippring in to me and for a moment it saddens me but with determination I push the feeling aside and I welcome it instead.

Angelus, the one with the angelic face and a heart of stone is back, and most likely to stay.

With a level of smoothness rarely seen in him Angelus stood up. When he lifted his face his eyes comes into view and they are cold and dead. The play of the shadows and light cast by the burning fire were over features that were now as inviting as marble and told you as much.

Without a back wards glance he walked to the door and out of it, the gift he had gotten forgotten on the small mahogany table.

The End.