Between the Lines
Friday, February 13, 1998.
20:22 (8:22 pm)
I've never been good with words. Just ask anyone who knows me. But I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't do this. I've always thought that journals were for sissy pansy-boys, like that Damn Rat. I'll bet he keeps a diary. Not a journal, a diary. With a key, and little mice or lacy crap decorated on the outside.
I live in this three bed-room, two story house with my two cousins and our "house-keeper," although she's more like the household's psychiatrist with a brain malfunction. Don't get me wrong, I like Tohru. She's a great girl, but she says the stupidest things sometimes. Like the time when she said I had a plum stuck to my back, but only other people could see it. Can you say, "Emperor's New Clothes?" I don't really know how she came to be here. I had taken off for about four months to train with my Sensei up in the mountains (But I didn't fight bears! So drop it!), and when I came back, the Damn Rat was giving her my room. MY room, dammit! But I didn't really care. I was too hyped up. It had been my first fight with the Damn Rat since I got back. I was so confidant. I had worked so hard, improved so much, but in the end, he still sent me flying with little effort.
That just pisses me off! That Damn Rat doesn't do anything! He lazes about the house or works in that garden (Or his "Secret Base" as he calls it) of his. I work my ass off and he still beats me. I guess it's true, that the Children of the Rat are special. Damn them. Fuck them all.
(The next bit is scribbled out under a heavy hand)
If you ask me, he's a freak. I mean, he's so dammed perfect! Doesn't that creep anyone out!? Well, it creeps me out! I get stuck out in the cold while he is surrounded by the laughing faces of our family. He tries his best to fade into the shadows, but how can there be shadows when he's always basking in the limelight, while I get shoved into the background. No matter how hard I try, how loudly I scream to make myself heard, it's like I'm not even there. I mean, I know they hear me, I can get really loud because of all the practice, but it's like they don't understand what I'm saying. It's like I'm still a child, with everyone talking over my head.
I mean, not even the kids respect me! Well, Hiro doesn't respect anyone, and Momiji's a brat. And Haru's obsessed with the Damn Rat. And I barely even know Kisa. It's not that I care or anything, but it pisses me off.
But I've gotten off track. So, with Tohru living in my room, Shigure, my other cousin and the "adult" in the house, even though he acts more like a kid than the rest of us, put me in his study. I don't mind. Actually, I kind of prefer it. Then, no one really gets on my case when I have books in my room. It's something that they really hounded me about before. I'm not stupid! I don't care how many times they say it, but I ain't stupid. I just…have some trouble understanding things sometimes. I'm so used to my life being so hard and everyone hating me for various reasons ("he's the cat," "he's a monster," "he's got weird hair," "he's Sensei's pet…") that it's kinda hard to adjust to people like Tohru, who loves everyone and everything, no matter what. I think that's the thing I like and hate most about her. I mean, she'd sit Satan down to tea and snacks and tell him that it's not his fault that he's a evil bastard that kills, tricks, and steals souls away from people… and actually believe it! I'm not an overly religious person. Not many people in my family are. It's hard to believe in a "Greater Good or Design" when you're family has been cursed for God knows how long or a reason that no one knows. Especially when you're the Cat. The only animal left out of the Chinese Zodiac, because, all those centuries ago, the Rat tricked the Cat and left it out in the cold.
I hate the cold. I hate the rain even more. It's raining right now, actually. I guess that's why I'm writing this. If it weren't raining I wouldn't be so depressed that I would consider the edge of the rather blunt scissors in my desk drawer. I hate it when I have thoughts like that. It always leads me down a bad road. One I've already traveled. Ha. Bet you didn't know that. Of course you didn't. You're just a lump of paper. Forget it. I was really depressed a while back. I'm talking really. It was so bad that Sensei took me out of school for intensive training. That's what I like about Sensei. I can't handle people prying into my thoughts overly much. So, he let me rent my frustration and anger through my fists and feet. Let me run wild through the forests and mountains. Free to scream my heart out to the uncaring sky. For the first time, I felt really alive. I thank Sensei for that. The only man I will call Father.
I heard Shigure on the phone with Hatori, our family doctor and Shigure's cousin, I don't know what that makes him to me. My cousin twice removed or something. Anyway, Shigure was saying how Tohru's presence here changed me. I guess that's kind of true, but I think what really changed me was my time out there. Sometimes I wish I were back out there. In the wilderness, no one cares if you're good with words, or with people, no one cares if you transform into an orange cat if embraced by the opposite sex, no one cares that your family hates you, and, best yet, no one thinks of the future. I found that time does not exists out there. Only seasons. An endless cycles of growth and death that didn't care about the rotation of the clock. I hate clocks. They always make me feel as though my life were ticking away. I don't know how I will be able to stand it. When the finally shove me permanently into the dark.
That's why I started writing this, actually. Took me a while to get around to it. But you have to understand, throughout my whole damn life, I've always been looked at as "that Cat kid," the Cursed one. Even my own hypocritical family members scorn me. In fact, they scorn me most of all. They don't really do it on purpose, either. It just seems to be built into them. No one was meant to love the Cat.
No wonder the Cat's soul is dying.
I feel like I'm dying.
(A line is smudged into the paper, unreadable)
There's Tohru. I guess she wants something. I'll end it here.
20:43 (8:43 pm)