"Rufus's first time," or "Dealing With Idiots"


Cloud and his crew have just escaped Headquarters Prison after discovering the body of President Shinra impaled by Sephy's Masamune, pinned to his own desk. After a brief encounter with Rufus, Avalanche escapes and now Rufus is officially introducing himself to the Shinra employees. However, being head of the world's most powerful corporation may be a bit more than he bargained for...

Rufus turned to face his new crew, running a hand through his hair. "I now call to order my first meeting as President of Shinra, Inc." He began to sit, but stopped when he realized his father's corpse was still in his chair. "Er--could someone please clear this desk?"

No one moved.

"You!" Rufus pointed to the one person meeting his gaze. "Reeve, isn't it?"

Everyone smirked at the man who was now looking frantically everywhere but Rufus's eyes. "Y-yess-s-s-sir?"

"Dispose of that, please." He gestured at his father's body with a look of disgust.

Heideggar cackled. "Gwa-hahaha-ah!!"

Reeve blanched. "You want ME to--er, yes, Mr. President." He proceeded to neatly bag the ex-Pres and sling the bundle over his shoulder, hurrying out of the room, his face quite green.

Rufus gave his retreating figure a look. "What's his problem?" He ran a hand casually through his hair.

Rude shrugged. "He's been spending too much time cuddled up with his blow-up doll, if you ask me."

"Mmmwahahahahaha!!!" Heideggar guffawed.

Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "...Blow-up doll?"

"Well, it's a blow-up cat, actually," Reno corrected his partner. "He calls it 'Kaitie'."

"That's 'Cait'-Sith, you mean," Rude returned the correction.

"Hey!" Reno glared. "Who's room's next to his? How would YOU know?!"

"You were listening?"

"Sure YOU weren't!!!"

General Heideggar cracked up. "Ha-hahahahaha-gwahahahaha!!!"

Rude's entire head turned bright red. "W-who said I was in your room?!?"

Reno swallowed. "...Oh, yeah. My bad."

Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "Er... Can we just get on with this?" He sat down at his new desk, folding his hands in front of him authoritatively. "Down to business. Mayor Domino, how are our funds currently being divided?"

The mayor beamed at him, unused to all the attention. "...Guess."

Rufus frowned, running a hand through his hair. "...What?"

"You have to guess the password," the mayor explained, showing mild irritation. Hands instantly shot up all over the room.

"Ooh! Me! Me! Pick ME!!!" Elena cried.

The mayor ignored her. "...Hojo."

"Gwahahahaha!" Heideggar laughed at Elena. She glared at him, crossing her arms as she pouted.

Hojo grinned deviously. "...MAKO?"

"Nope! Guess again!" the mayor said, shaking his head.

"I know it!" Elena called out, waving her arm frantically in the air. "I know what it is!"

Mayor Domino looked directly at her. "...General Heideggar?"

"KING?" Heideggar asked gruffly.

The mayor stamped his feet. "Wrong! NEXT!!!"

"Lemme try!" Elena screamed, stamping her feet, too. "I wanna guess!"

The mayor looked around the room, thinking. "Um... Hojo?"

"Hey!" Elena complained. "He already had a turn!"

"Gu-hwah!" Heideggar laughed.

Hojo stared at the mayor with confidence. "The password you seek is....HOJO!"

"Sorry!" the mayor cried. "That's incorrect. Scarlet, care to try?"

Elena turned on Hojo, enraged by his waste of a good turn, a turn that just could have been hers. "You idiot! How could the answer be your name? It's obvious what the answer its: it's ORBS!"

For a moment there was dead silence, while Elena looked at the mayor with hopeful eyes.


The mayor stared back at her blankly. "That !"

The female Turks sighed with relief. "See? I told you I knew the answer," she said smugly.

"Hey!" Scarlet shouted. "You didn't raise your hand, bitch! It was MY turn!"

Elena huffed, "Who are you calling 'bitch', you whore!?!"

Scarlet turned scarlet with anger. "Why, you little hussy!!!"



Scarlet ran at Elena and slapped her hard.

Elena pressed her palm to her burning cheek, her eyes filled with rage as she drew back her other hand and returned the favor.

Scarlet slapped Elena again.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Elena slapped Scarlet.

Scarlet slapped Elena.

Rufus, his mouth agape, cried, "Damn it to Hades--! Someone stop them!"

No one moved.

"You!" Rufus ordered, pointing to a man who had just walked into the room, his shirt streaked with blood. "What are you doing there?"

Reeve blinked. "Me, sir?"

"Yes, you!" Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "Reeve, isn't it? Break up that cat fight!"

Reeve cringed, then jumped in between the two women and got slapped by each of them in turn.

"Heee-heee-hoh-hoh-hoh!!!" Heideggar giggled.

Startled, the two women stopped their fight.

"Okay!" Rufus shouted. "Next one to bitch slap is fired!!! Now..." He ran a hand through his hair. "...About our funding...?"

"You didn't say the pass--"

"Orbs!" Rufus screamed breathlessly at the mayor. "Orbs!! Odin be damned--ORBS!!!"

The mayor cleared his throat. "At present, forty percent of Shinra's income is deposited directly into the President's personal account. Twenty- five percent of funds go to repairing the Mako Reactors that Avalanche keeps destroying; twenty percent is being used in the science department; and fifteen percent pays the Shinra employees."

"Thank Ramuh!" Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "Was that so hard? Now, Tseng: what cases are the Turks currently involved in?"

The leader of the Turks stepped forward, his hands clasped behind his back. "...The usual, Sir. Kidnapping, assassinating, raping and pilaging."

Rufus gave him a wide-eyed look. ".....Raping and pil--?"

Reno elbowed Tseng in the side. "Psst! I don't think we were supposed to tell him about THAT, Boss."

Tseng growled at him. "Don't tell ME what to do, you dog!"

"Who are you calling a dog?!" Reno shouted.

Palmer sighed. "Here we go again!"

"Well, you're my BITCH, ain'tcha?!" Tseng snarled.

Reno immediately subdued. "...Yes, Master."

Rude gasped. "RENO!!!"

Tseng smirked.

"...Er...that is...I, uh--" Reno stuttered, his face turning red.

Rude slapped Reno.

Reno slapped Rude.

Rude, his eyes watering, ran over and slapped Tseng.

Tseng widened his eyes in surprise and slapped Reno.

"Hahahahahaha!" Heideggar laughed.

"What did I do?!" Reno demanded.

Tseng and Rude slapped Reno simultaneously.

"Ifrit take your souls!" Reno shouted, running a hand through his hair. "Hey--you there! What are you doing?"

"Me? I, er..."

"Aren't you that Reeve guy?"

The man paused warily. "....Yes, sir?"

"Make them stop!!!"

Reeve, his shirt bloodied, handprints on each cheek, rushed into the fray and ended the fight.

"All right, then!" Rufus ran a hand through his hair, trying to regain control. "I know I said next one to bitch-slap would be fired, but... Well, I can't afford to lose all three Turks."

"Hey! HEY!!! We're four!!!" Elena squeaked.

Rufus glared at her. "SHUT UP!!! I can't have this sort of disruption! Reeve! Take them all to a cell!"

"Yes! We'll continue this there, then." Tseng cast looks at both Reno and Rude.

"Uh, Master..." Reno began timidly, "I don't think he meant to put us in the same cell..."

"Why the hell not?"

"'Cuz I'll claw your face off!" Rude hissed.

"I'll rip your hair out!!" Tseng returned.

Rude frowned. "I don't have any hair!!! I'LL rip YOUR hair out, pretty boy!"

"Hee-hee!!!" Heideggar giggled with glee.

Tseng batted his eyes. "...You really think I'm pretty?"

Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "Oh, for Shiva's sake--SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! REEVE! Get those three out of here!"

"Yes, Mr. President." He rushed Tseng, Reno and Rude out of the room.


Rufus turned to the general. "And will you CEASE that infernal horse-laugh!?!!?!?"


"Ahem! Now that THAT's settled..." He ran his hand through his hair. "Hojo! What are you doing in your labs--with your twenty percent of our income? Hm?"

"Nothing," Hojo replied with a shrug.


Hojo nodded. "It's quite simple. As of tonight, I am doing nothing. As of tonight, I have no specimen. As of tonight, my lab has been destroyed. In other words...I quit."

All eyes followed Hojo as he slithered out of the room, his hands folded behind his back.

"Fine." Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "Orbs. Mayor, add twenty-five percent to the President's account."

"But only twenty percent was for the science fund!!!" Scarlet protested.

"Well, thanks to you and your co-workers, I'll be deducting the other five percent from your paychecks."

Scarlet glared at him silently.

Heideggar guffawed. "Hahahahahhaahahaaa!!!"

Rufus squinted his eyes angrily, running a hand through his hair. "I thought I told you to stop that stupid horse laugh!"

Heideggar clapped his hands over his mouth, his face suddenly turning bright red with the effort to contain his laughter.

"Uh-oh!" Elena cried out in warning. "He's gonna blow!!!"

"Get DOWN!!!" Palmer shouted, ducking behind Rufus's desk.

Suddenly the general literally exploded in laughter, unknown juices spraying all over the room and directly onto Scarlet's red evening gown.

"That went down my DRESS, you PIG!!!" Scarlet shrieked.

"What dress?" Heideggar asked in confusion.

"Yeah, wench! Who the fuck runs around in a prom dress 24- 7, anyway, ah?!" Palmer snorted.

Rufus was beginning to lose his patience.... "You there! At the door! What are you doing?"

Reeve sighed. "Well, I--"

Rufus ran his hand through his hair. "Reeve, ain't it? Get that cow out of my sight!"

Reeve immediately grabbed Scarlet's arm.

She snarled at him. "He meant the GENERAL, you little cat-fucker!" She slapped him.

"Hey!" Rufus shouted at her. "Leviathan drown your ass--! I said no more bitch-slapping! Take them BOTH to the jail, Reeve!"

"Yes, sir!" He promptly escorted Heideggar and Scarlet out of the room.

"I want separate cells!" Heideggar growled as he was marched away.

"You could never fit in a cell with me!" Scarlet hissed.

"You bet I couldn't, COW!!!" the general returned.

"'Cuz of your fat ass, PIG!!!"



Their voices trailed off, still in heated argument. Rufus ran a hand through hair. "Who's left? Mayor Domino, Elena, and Palmer. Palmer? Palmer--what exactly do you do here?"


"'Nothing'! That's great--'nothing'. I don't think there's a damned person here who does ANYTHING. Except thta guy with the cute little mustache...what's his name--Reeve? Yeah, that's it." He ran his hand through his hair, then adjusted his necktie. "Palmer, you're fired. So get the hell out of here, right now."

Palmer sighed, and trotted out the door.

Rufus ran his hand through his hair. Both the mayor and Elena stared at him in silence, awaiting judgment.





Rufus ran his hand through his hair.






Rufus ran his hand through his hair. ".....Elena?"

"Yes, Mr. President?"

"You're fired."

Her eyes widened. "Huh?!"

Rufus grinned at her sheepishly. "Sorry--nothing personal. Firing people's just the most fun I've had all bloody evening." He laughed maniacally, then grew dead serious. "Get the fuck out."

Elena stalked angrily out of the room with a high-pitched "Hmph!"

"Oooh, I could get used to this! Mayor Domino, add another ten percent to the President's account."

"No, I won't."

Rufus glared at him angrily. "You...'won't'?"

Mayor Domino grinned. "You didn't say the password!"

After a while, Reeve returned (with bloodstains on his shirtfront, handprints on both cheeks, a black eye, and one sleeve ripped off) to find the new president by himself. ".....Mr. President? Is that all you'll be needing, sir? ....Hey! Where'd everybody--"

"How are our prisoners doing, Reeve?" Rufus asked as he wiped the blade of the discarded Masamune on the tail of his white trenchcoat.

"Well... When I left, they were having an orgy."

Rufus stopped. "Heideggar and Scarlet?!"

"No, the Turks."



Rufus ran a hand through his hair, a funny smile playing on his lips.




"Go get your blow-up cat and come to my quarters."