Absolute Shocker

By JamesRoxMySox

A/N: Sorry about this being reposted but I had to make a few little alterations so the story would make sense, please read it as the change does affect chapter 27 which should be coming up as as available right about now! So thank you for your patience and please read

Right on with the story

Tuesday August 31st

I'm Lillianna Elizabeth Evans but ever, and I mean ever, call me that and you will be rewarded with two very striking black eyes

Get my drift?


Just call me Lily or Evans, so much simpler.

I have no idea what my mother was on when she named me but it was strong! I think my parents liked both Lily and Anna and couldn't decide between them so they used lateral thinking and stuck'em together!

Good grief can you image what a mouthful that is when my mother wants to scream at me? Not that she ever screams at me for being in trouble.

I'm a good girl, get good grades, never act rebellious and always do my chores. It's more an exasperated sigh when one of my – shall we say frequent? Accidents occurs.I happen to be a little uncoordinated in some areas say my han –

AAAAHHHHH! Damn it! I just fell down the stairs!

Okay I might as well just say it: I'm a klutz. And I don't mean a trip-over-every-now-and-then-klutz I mean a full-fledged four-trips-to-the-hospital-wing-a-week-klutz. Yes, that's how bad I am; I manage to trip over my own two feet in varying degrees of severeness at least once a day. I'm an absolute shocker!

Hopefully that little vacation down the stairs is today's only adventure I'm going to encounter.

Pft! As if, this is me, Lily Evans, we're talking about. I attract misfortune and accidents waiting to happen like the Marauders attract girls and trouble, now that is saying something!

The Marauders are a trouble-making bunch of seventh year boys that happen to be absolutely gorgeous. James Potter and Sirius Black are the tall, dark, handsome and womanising duo. Remus Lupin in the ideas man and he works out the nitty gritty of the pranks, not bad to look at either ;). The final member is their devoted look out, Peter Pettigrew. He's not as good looking as the others but has a boyish charm all the same.

Of course the entire female population has a crush o at least one of them. (For me it's Remus he's such a sweetie but still a mischievous little cretin) Potter and Black mainly because they are such stud muffins! I won't deny it they are two fine pieces of eye candy.

Only problem: They know it.

Meaning they have an ego to match but that doesn't stop their fan clubs, you heard right… fan clubs.

So to compare my lack of coordination and awkwardness with Marauders appeal to the opposite sex shows the extent of my klutziness.

Bloody Massive!

Any way it's not like anyone actually notices anymore. I somehow manage to slip into the background and my yells of:

"Damn it!"

"Bloody Hell!"

"Oh My Giddy Aunt!"

And many more simply become a part of Hogwarts.

My friends assured me that if I was sick for a week they would have to step in because people would become nervous from the lack of disasters. Good to know I have friends who care so deeply about my welfare, now isn't it?

Dana and Bridget reckon they could divide the misfortunes between them.

HA! What a riot! Those two klutzes! Deary me, they know how to joke.

Or at least I though they did till the told me they were serious.

I couldn't help but point out that they could never be klutzy, it takes skill, or rather a lack there of. I can tell you are wondering why these two people could never be clumsy or awkward.


They're part Veela. Their great grandmother was a full veela and the looks run in the family. In case you haven't noticed they are twin, identical in every way right down to every last pin straight silvery blonde hair on their magnificent heads. No need to state just how drop dead gorgeous they are it only depresses me. I am especially jealous of their hair that happens to be the exact opposite of my auburn coloured mess of curls. They have pin straight hair that is always in place. Dag nab it! Some people have all the luck!

They are often referred to as 'the Crazy Declour Twins' due to their eccentric tendencies. That can be expected from people named Blodeuedd and Cliodhna. (Don't ask, their mother is slightly obsessed with Celtic mythology, that's why we stick with their middle names, thankfully their father made those pronounceable) But all is forgiven due to their friendliness.

Can you guess what comes with veela looks? (Apart from charm, which they definitely have)

Go on guess!

Yep that's right, grace.

Natural grace.

The lucky little berks have natural grace and nice hair can you say unfair?

Thought so.

I love them dearly but I can't help feel a bit jealous.

Nessa (Vanessa) reckons she could take my place. I couldn't help but scoff before putting on a fake sympathetic face and patting her on the arm while carefully explaining that although she may be more graceful on a broom stick than on her own two feet, she still can't keep up with me when it comes to being accident prone.

You see Nessa is a chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team (Happens to be my house also) so she has the hand-eye thing down pat. Eye-foot in a different matter. Nessa is a trip-over-every-now-and-then-klutz, the type I mention earlier, which, in truth, is perfectly normal.

Rhi (Rhiannon) didn't even put up a case for her taking my place because everyone knows Rhi can never, ever, ever be klutzy. She even tried once as a joke (the twins dared her) to fall over and lose all her books but it just didn't work. Must be all that wretched ballet she does permanently affecting her brain.

After one day at attempted klutzdom I had to ask her to kindly stop as she made me look even worse.

I mean really, who can land gracefully on her arse, drop only one book and have to two absolute hunks help her up and pick up her book, I ask you.

No one ever helps me up or helps with my books and Rhi gets helped up by not one, but two drop dead gorgeous Ravenclaws, who both invited her to Hogsmeade.


I trip over, people laugh.

Rhi trips, guys rush forward to be her knight in shining armour.

Again, can you say unfair?

I must have been a complete wanker in a previous life to rack up this much bad karma. Not even taunting Tuna (Petunia, my sister) can create this much negative energy. Maybe I have help from an evil little demon that goes around doing evil little demon things in my name.

Must be, there's no other explanation.

Or not.

Oh well the fact remains that no one can replace me, see my friends would be lost without me! Arrogant statement I know but my ego needs something to compensate for the klutz factor.

We won't even enter Tristan and Cam into this, seeing as they are 6th year versions of Black and Potter.

Apart from being the biggest klutz to ever stumble the face of the earth I'm muggle born, which means the Slytherin arse wipes just can't get enough of insulting me.

Though after five years of hearing the term 'Mudblood' it still has surprisingly little effect. It's a poor arse excuse for an insult. I mean come on, 'dirty blood'? A five year old can do better. It's a ridiculous concept and most of the time I end up laughing at the stupidity of it all.

So you imagine when Regulus Black calls me a 'Mudblood' during potions I dissolve into silent giggles.

One lesson at the end of last year Black was feeling particularly malicious and kept mouthing 'Mudblood' across the dungeon followed by a glare each time.

Well let's just say I got annoyed and I cursed his hair into blonde pigtails with pink bows while he wasn't looking.

Needless to say I was soon shaking with silent laughter, leaning on Nessa to keep myself upright and stuffing my hand into my moth the muffle the laughter. He looked so ridiculous trying to look threatening when really he looked as though someone had stolen his lollipop.

Still makes me laugh. Black, the moron he is, thought I was crying and sent me a very triumphant look, only making me laugh harder.

Our potions master is an old bat; he's half blind but has the most phenomenal hearing. I had to try so unbelievably hard to keep quiet. As soon as class finished a sprinted out the door and burst into a fit of laughter, I was almost doubled over, one hand clutching my stomach and the other on the wall for support.

When black came out with this bewildered look on his face, I looked at him with this maniac grin in place and managed to gasp

"Your HAIR!"

Before giving into another round of laughter.

The look on his face was too much and I collapsed on the floor finally giving into my mirth. He looked as though he had just been slapped in the face with a rather large fish. I can't wait to learn the Patronus charm, as I will definitely be using that memory of a gob smacked black. Hilarious

On a happier note I can't wait till tomorrow when I get to go back to Hogwarts and enter my 6th year! Yay!

Offcourse that means seeing Black but hey, I'm a prefect again this year so I can just give him detention, the little twerp.

Wait make that plural – detentions Ooh! That's good!

I can't wait to see who the Head Boy and Girl are. Hopefully someone who is fair, unbiased and I don't know …humble maybe.

My god last year we had Narcissa Black and Amos Diggory. You have no idea how many times I wanted to resign after every meeting.

Cissa, as I called her, and I used to be study buddies and friends since my first year, even though she was a Slytherin 3rd year and I was a Gryffindor 1st year. We even tutored each other in areas we have trouble with. We met every Sunday in the library to do homework, or we did until Cissa started dating Luscious Malfoy.

He made Cissa promise never to associate with my kind or else he would inform her aunt (Regulus' mother, real piece of work that one) and then she'd cop it. The lowlife Black mailed my Cissa into never speaking to me again.

Complete jerk is Malfoy.

I believe her even trapped her into marrying him by arranging it through the deranged aunt. We've never talked since but she still owls me every now and then. Poor thing married to the evil git Malfoy.

Poor, poor Cissa.

But I think the new Head Girl will be Amelia Bones but the Head Boy is harder to determine. Though anybody has to be better than Diggory, he was a pompous wanker by all accounts.

We had several near uprisings out of hatred for our head boy, had we had an actual uprising Diggory would have been lynched. Not pretty I know but he was a tosser.

Daniel Diggory is the male prefect of Gryffindor for our year. He's Amos's younger brother but so much nicer and a whole lot cuter. Also the big difference, Daniel is NOT obsessed with himself. He's actually very sweet and thoughtful.

And yes before you ask, I do have a slight crush on him.

Okay that was a horrible lie I have a full blown, out of this world crush on Daniel Diggory. Say anything and I will kill you and it will be a long, slow drawn out death.

He has no idea of course but I'm sure he'll find due to my disturbingly frequent humiliations of myself in his presence. Though I know any day now he's going to wake up and realises he truly loves me! ) Yeah right, my ego just likes to keep up its spirits with delusions of this nature so it doesn't lose faith entirely.

I mean the poor possum has quite a bit to put up with. For example:

The klutziness – that's the big one

Awful, evil, appalling, unpleasant, cretin hair

The scatterbrain workings of my mind, as you can see from this diary

My stubbornness

And last of all my melodramatic tendencies

So with all this on its plate, my poor ego has no other choice than to be borderline schizophrenic or shrivel up and die.

I would choose insanity also.

Also it's best not to insult my pride, the ego will not hear of it and forces me to maintain what pride I have left after being known as the resident klutz. I also have the red heads temper so it's not in your best interest to upset me especially when it comes to my pride.

Black has done this a few times and each time has landed him a week in the hospital wing, take that sucker! The tosser thought he could do we against me, silly, mislead, little boy. Hello, Narcissa Black tutored me in Defence Against the Dark Arts for four years!

Coming from a Dark Arts obsessed family, Cissa was able to give me a few pointers some curses and hexes dirty duellers cough Black cough would use.

She was right.

Stupid prat, don't think his teeth ever fully recovered from the incident.

He won't know what's hit him if he messes with me this year. Cissa felt so bad for her behaviour last year she sent me this nifty DADA book. It has some wicked hexes and curses I'm just itching to try out. I can't wait for tomorrow Dana and Brig are picking me up to leave for Kings Cross.

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait

I can't wa – you may also I am extremely impatient. But I'm so excited about seeing all my friends!


A/N: Okay here are the characters – a limited number but the majority of main characters

Lily and her friends:

Lily Evans: Auburn hair that falls in ringlets at her shoulders, startlingly green eyes, slender yet curvy figure and 5ft 5. Completely scatter brained and quite klutzy

Vanessa (Nessa) Halleway: Classic country girl looks: Mousy brown hair that's wavy, big blue eyes and a dusting of freckles over her nose. Athletic build from Quidditch, chaser, is fiery and sporty. 5ft 6

Rhiannon Grey: Spanish beauty in her own right with liquid black eyes, black, black hair and skin so tanned she looks like a walking mochaccino. Patient and the group's cool, calm and collected member. Willing to go with the flow. 5ft 4

Danna and Bridget Declour (if anyone knows a French last name please tell me I have no idea so I had to settle with Declour): twins, with a French father and Irish mother. Part Veela with long silvery blonde hair, penetrating grey eyes and smooth tanned skin and about 5ft 5 ½. Loud, outspoken and even a little crazy.

Tristan Montgomery: pretty boy, blonde spiky hair, sea green eyes, well built and toned, tanned and well just yummy! Quidditch player, keeper, and 6ft

Cameron (Cam) Davies: dark hair that falls in his eyes, tanned skin and crystalline blue eyes. 6ft 2 well built

All Gryffindors.

The Marauders: Do I really have to explain them? Okay, okay don't eat me.

James Potter: 6ft 1, messy black hair, melt in your mouth chocolate brown eyes, tanned well built. Quidditch captain and chaser.

Sirius Black: original tall, dark and handsome stranger, black hair that always falls in place, black eyes that draw you in and of course well built from Quidditch, beater, and 6ft 2

Remus Lupin: Shaggy blonde hair, amber eyes and peaky looking at times, slightly les built that the others but good looking all the same. 6ft

Peter Pettigrew: cute in a little boy way with watery blue eyes and flaxen blonde hair, 5ft 10. Okay don't kill me but I had to make him presentable the marauders wouldn't let an ugly little toad hang around them, plus he's good at this stage so don't give me any grief for it.

All in Gryffindor of course

All in a category of his own

Regulus Black: Think younger version of Sirius

For those of you unfamiliar with Celtic mythology here are a few explanations:

Blodeuedd: means 'born of flowers' or 'flower face' she was a beautiful and magical woman, conjured by magicians from various flowers. Said to be the fairest woman in the world.

Cliodhna: otherworld goddess of beauty, she had three magical birds that could sing the sick to sleep and cure them.

Dana: the great mother goddess, gave her name to the Tuatha De Danann, a race of wonderful, beautiful but often vulnerable gods who lived in the sparkling other world.

Rhiannon: a figure of welsh mythology associated with horses. As patient as she was beautiful, Rhiannon endured her misfortune and injustice without complaint and remarkable patience. She had magical birds that could wake the dead and send the living to sleep.

Tristan: a tragic lover of Celtic mythology and a prince of Cornwall.

I got sick of James being Lily's nemesis so I decided Regulus Black was a good candidate for the position. Regulus is a year younger than Sirius in my story (Yes, I know he is supposed to be two years younger but a year fits better in my story).

Please Review, I promise you get a cookie if you do, even if it is a flame, tell we what you think.