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Bush's Inaugural Speech (Full Version)
The words in parenthesis is what he was probably thinking about Bush's Inaugural Address (Written by his dad)
Saturday, January 20, 2001
President Clinton (get out of my face), distinguished guests (hi Gore!) and my fellow citizens (hi mom!), the peaceful transfer of authority is rare in history (like the Charizard card), yet common in our country (like marijuana, whoops, never mind). With a simple oath (eieio), we affirm old traditions and make new beginnings (ooh, that was a good one).
As I begin, I thank President Clinton for his service to our nation (services, good, Monica, bad).

(APPLAUSE) (What the $#@!)
And I thank Vice President Gore (LOSER!) for a contest conducted with spirit and ended with grace (36 days of pure BS).

(APPLAUSE) (You know, my middle finger kind of itches.)
I am honored and humbled to stand here (Haha, I win and you don`t), where so many of America's leaders (like Osama bin Laden) have come before me, and so many will follow (like Fidel Castro).

We have a place, all of us (except the hobos living under the George Washington Bridge), in a long story--a story we continue (insert another quarter), but whose end we will not see (I can`t see!). It is the story of a new world that became a friend and liberator of the old (#$!@ the old people), a story of a slave (like my mom)-holding society that became a servant of freedom, the story of a power that went into the world to protect but not possess, to defend but not to conquer (whew, I said that without any problems)

It is the American story (translated from German)--a story of flawed and fallible people (like Al Gore), united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals (My Generation? Pure Limp Bizkit).

The grandest of these ideals is an unfolding American promise that everyone belongs (except Juan Guanzalez), that everyone deserves a chance (except Al Gore), that no insignificant person was ever born (what did I just say?).
Americans are called to enact this promise in our lives and in our laws (protest!). And though our nation has sometimes halted (sorry Dad), and sometimes delayed (like American Airlines, always delayed), we must follow no other course (actually if you take the AP course you get extra credit).

Through much of the last century (yeah for like 2 days), America's faith in freedom and democracy was a rock (rock? I have paper. Ha, I win!) in a raging sea (it`s called "PV Lake"). Now it is a seed (what happened to the rock?) upon the wind (Windy Card, go!), taking root in many nations.
Our democratic faith is more than the creed (Can you take me higher?) of our country, it is the inborn (not outborn) hope of our humanity, an ideal we carry but do not own, a trust (Antitrust?) we bear (I like bears) and pass along. And even after nearly 225 years (FUZZY MATH!), we have a long way yet to travel (You got 4 years Bush).

While many of our citizens prosper (um, do you know who Sung Taek is?), others doubt the promise (You), even the justice (Me), of our own country (Us). The ambitions of some Americans are limited by failing schools (cough cough Pequannock cough) and hidden prejudice and the circumstances of their birth (what the $#@! does birth have to do with anything?) . And sometimes our differences run so deep, it seems we share a continent (we do, with Canada and Mexico), but not a country.
We do not accept this, and we will not allow it (That`s a famous line from Al Gore`s Concession speech). Our unity, our union, is the serious work of leaders and citizens in every generation. And this is my solemn pledge: I will work to build a single nation of justice and opportunity (And then set it apart so Gore doesn`t want to be president).

(APPLAUSE) (??????)

I know this is in our reach because we are guided by a power larger than ourselves who creates us equal in His image (His name is Michael Jordan).

And we are confident in principles that unite and lead us onward (Actually, I`m not confident).

America has never been united by blood or birth or soil (so?). We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens (Dick Cheney wrote that one). Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them. And every immigrant (you talking to me?), by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American (dude, I`m Korean).

(APPLAUSE) (Are you guys mocking Koreans?)

Today, we affirm a new commitment to live out our nation's promise through civility, courage, compassion and character (and crack, dope, heroin).
America, at its best (when alcohol was free), matches (I need some matches to light up my joint) a commitment to principle with a concern for civility. A civil society demands from each of us good will and respect, fair dealing and forgiveness (I forgave Gore for being a little @#$!@).

Some seem to believe that our politics can afford to be petty (Tom Petty is a politician?) because, in a time of peace, the stakes of our debates appear small (then let`s ante up).
But the stakes for America are never small (oh, you anted up). If our country does not lead the cause of freedom (then the country of Chad will), it will not be led. If we do not turn the hearts of children toward knowledge and character, we will lose their gifts (I see dead people) and undermine their idealism. If we permit our economy to drift and decline, the vulnerable will suffer most (Got Bush?).

We must live up to the calling we share (that call is just 99 cents with 10-10-220). Civility is not a tactic or a sentiment. It is the determined choice of trust over cynicism, of community over chaos. And this commitment, if we keep it, is a way to shared accomplishment.
America, at its best, is also courageous (that`s why I run away).

Our national courage has been clear in times of depression and war, when defending common dangers defined our common good. Now we must choose if the example of our fathers and mothers will inspire us or condemn us. We must show courage in a time of blessing by confronting problems instead of passing them on to future generations (Daddy, did I say that right?).
(APPLAUSE) (Yes son, you did.)

Together, we will reclaim America's schools (turn it sideways), before ignorance (shine it up real nice) and apathy claim more young lives (and shove it straight up your #@$).

We will reform Social Security and Medicare (SNOOPY!), sparing our children from struggles we have the power to prevent. And we will reduce taxes, to recover the momentum of our economy and reward the effort and enterprise of working Americans (just take Advil and shut up).

(APPLAUSE) (This bullet proof glass is pissing me off)

We will build our defenses beyond challenge, lest weakness invite challenge.

(APPLAUSE) (Wait, is that Gore with a gun in his hand?)

We will confront weapons of mass destruction (first take away Gore`s gun), so that a new century is spared new horrors (yeah, like me dying).

The enemies of liberty (Communist Gore) and our country should make no mistake: America remains engaged in the world by history and by choice, shaping a balance of power that favors freedom. We will defend our allies and our interests. We will show purpose without arrogance. We will meet aggression and bad faith with resolve and strength. And to all nations, we will speak for the values that gave our nation birth (blah, blah).

(APPLAUSE) (I just saw a rock hit my glass)

America, at its best, is compassionate (when not throwing rocks at the president). In the quiet of American conscience (these voices, these voices, I hear them, and when they talk I`ll follow) , we know that deep, persistent poverty is unworthy of our nation's promise (yet, I`ll encourage it).

And whatever our views of its cause, we can agree that children at risk are not at fault. Abandonment and abuse are not acts of God, they are failures of love (Got Love?).
(APPLAUSE) (Gore`s daughters are cheap mother @#$%$##@)

And the proliferation of prisons (I was in one), however necessary, is no substitute for hope and order in our souls (So I kill them all).

Where there is suffering (just kill them), there is duty. Americans in need are not strangers (who are these people?), they are citizens, not problems, but priorities. And all of us are diminished when any are hopeless.

(APPLAUSE) (Hmm.let`s see if they clap after I say this one)

Government has great responsibilities for public safety and public health, for civil rights and common schools. Yet compassion is the work of a nation, not just a government.
And some needs and hurts are so deep they will only respond to a mentor's touch or a pastor's prayer. Church and charity, synagogue and mosque lend our communities their humanity, and they will have an honored place in our plans and in our laws.


Many in our country do not know the pain of poverty (shut up. Everyone in Pequannock knows), but we can listen to those who do.

And I can pledge our nation to a goal: When we see that wounded traveler on the road to Jericho, we will not pass to the other side.

America, at its best, is a place where personal responsibility is valued and expected (and then thrown out in the trash).

Encouraging responsibility is not a search for scapegoats (goats taste good), it is a call to conscience (these voices, these voices.). And though it requires sacrifice (human sacrifice), it brings a deeper fulfillment. We find the fullness of life not only in options, but in commitments. And we find that children and community are the commitments that set us free.

Our public interest depends on private character, on civic duty and family bonds and basic fairness, on uncounted, unhonored acts of decency which give direction to our freedom (I like the word un).

Sometimes in life we are called to do great things. But as a saint of our times has said, every day we are called to do small things with great love. The most important tasks of a democracy are done by everyone (blah blah).
I will live and lead by these principles (This is the first step in the AA program to recovery): to advance my convictions with civility, to pursue the public interest with courage, to speak for greater justice and compassion, to call for responsibility and try to live it as well (Guess who went through the AA program?).

In all these ways, I will bring the values of our history to the care of our times.

What you do is as important as anything government does. I ask you to seek a common good beyond your comfort; to defend needed reforms against easy attacks; to serve your nation, beginning with your neighbor. I ask you to be citizens: citizens, not spectators; citizens, not subjects; responsible citizens, building communities of service and a nation of character.

(APPLAUSE) (Man, that AA brochure was awesome!)

Americans are generous and strong and decent, not because we believe in ourselves, but because we hold beliefs beyond ourselves. When this spirit of citizenship is missing, no government program can replace it. When this spirit is present, no wrong can stand against it.

(APPLAUSE) (Oh man, if only I had a blunt. I need one right now)

After the Declaration of Independence was signed, Virginia statesman John Page wrote to Thomas Jefferson (That he was a little @#$%$#): ``We know the race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong. Do you not think an angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm (perfect. Storm.)?''

Much time has passed since Jefferson arrived for his inauguration (I think 389847 years but that`s fuzzy math). The years and changes accumulate. But the themes of this day he would know: our nation's grand story of courage and its simple dream of dignity.

We are not this story's author, who fills (in a lockbox) time and eternity with his purpose. Yet his purpose is achieved in our duty, and our duty is fulfilled in service to one another (sigh).

Never tiring (sigh), never yielding (sigh), never finishing (cough), we renew that purpose today (hic!), to make our country more just and generous (hic!), to affirm the dignity of our lives and every life (burp!).

This work continues (Insert another quarter). This story goes on. And an angel still rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm.

God bless you all, and God bless America (Yeah, we`ll need all the blessings with you in charge).