Title: How to open a chest… Not!
Author: Malaskor
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I'm only borrowing the settings and some of the characters to have some fun, not to make money (as if anyone would pay me money for this. :) ). No copyright infringement is intended.
Stargate and all characters associated with it belong to MGM/UA,
Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions (plus the broadcasting rights that belong to more TV stations than I would know – here where I live that would be RTL II)
The Luggage belongs to Terry Pratchett and his Discworld novels

Spoilers: Not really.

Category: Crossover, humor, one-shot, semi-drabble (too long for a drabble, but I only took 20 minutes to write this – which is a speed record for me, well plus the time for typing it down and correcting some errors…), response to the "Death of Kinsey" challenge

Summary: Something followed SG-1 home from their latest mission.Now people want to look into it...

Feedback: Yes! It is craved like food and absolutely necessary for me to get better so take a moment to write me a few words.

Distribution: Cross-Gate Yahoogroup, Heliopolis and Abydos Gate. All others please ask first, I'll probably say go ahead but it would be nice to know beforehand where my story ends up.

Author's Note: This story is the result of a plot bunny that has jumped me while reading a drabble that was an answer to the "Death of Kinsey" challenge on Cross-Gate

Sirens were blaring through the control room and a voice announced:
"Unscheduled off-world activation!"

Down in the gate room Senator Kinsey, who was once again 'inspecting'
the installation frowned and moved behind the marines that streamed into the gate room and took up defensive positions.

A bit later Davis called, "It's Sg-1's code, sir."

"Good. Open the iris," the general ordered, then he left the control room and went through the corridor to the gate room.

Once there he was greeted by a strange site. Behind his premier team walked a large chest on hundreds of tiny legs. Once off the ramp it immediately moved next to Colonel O'Neill, as if it was a well behaved dog and sat down so that none of its legs were visible anymore.

"What's the meaning of this?" thundered Senator Kinsey, who by now had gathered his courage enough to come from his 'strategic position'
behind the marines.

"Well, this nice little chest followed us home. Can we keep it?"
O'Neill asked cheekily.

"Don't talk in that way to my Colonel or I'll see to it that you get assigned to Antarctica."

"At least there won't be any trees or moronic senators," O'Neill mumbled under his breath.

"Now open that thing up and show me, I mean us, what is in there."

"I'm not sure if that is such a good idea," Dr. Jackson ventured, "We have been warned that it is dangerous to open it against its will. And it is supposed to be easily angered when insulted."

"Then I'm doing this myself. General be certain that this unhelpful stance of your personnel will be taken into account when the next budget will be assigned."

"Be careful Senator. It could bite," Jack said his vice somewhere between warning and hopeful.

"Balderdash, don't speak such nonsense," the senator snapped angrily and started to tug on the lid of the chest, but it wouldn't open no matter how much strength he used. "What's up with that piece of crap?
Why doesn't it open? Did one of you lock it and didn't tell me about it in hopes that I would make a fool out of me? Answer!"

"I would assume that the chest doesn't want to be opened by your person SenatorKinsey. We didn't lock it, and DanielJackson did warn you that it would not want to be opened by you," Teal'c replied evenly.

"Don't just stand there, get me a crowbar," the enraged senator demanded of one of the marines.

After receiving silent permission of the general the marine quickly left the gate room to fetch one. Several minutes later he returned with one from the labs.

During the wait Kinsey grew more and more impatient and angry. His glare was like flying daggers while he quieted every comment or protest with loud threats and orders. The general as well as the team were visible reigning their tempers in, but it was only a matter of moments before one of them reached their limit and returned a verbal salvo. Luckily it didn't get that far as the marine had finally returned.

Now that he had the crowbar in his hands the Senator started at once to pry it between the lid and the main body of the multi-legged chest.

That was the moment when the Luggage had enough of Senator Kinsey.
With one surge it opened its maw and one big swallow later it had half of a US senator in its gullet, only the hips and frantically kicking legs were still visible. Then it began to chew and drag the rest of the body into its maw, after only a few bites the whole body had vanished within the Luggage.

All that happened so quickly that no one could react properly and so they were left staring with wide eyes on the walking chest that had just eaten the biggest pain in their neck on Earth. Then the Luggage gave a big belch and the silence was broken by a multitude of reactions.

"Whoa!"
"Holy Hanna!"
"I hope it doesn't get food poisoning."
"Fascinating…"
"Yes!"

All that and more was heard in the gate room.

Cautiously O'Neill approached the Luggage, ready to jump back at the slightest hint of danger. When he was half a pace from it, it slowly opened the lid, revealing its huge interior and all the items in it.
On top of them were the cleaned, pressed and folded clothes of the late senator as well as his newly polished shoes.

"Okay… Danny-boy, this time you get to write the mission report, and don't forget to explain this mess here. Carter and I are going to get out medical and then we go for a drink. T, want to join us in our little commemoration of this moment?"

With that he led his second in command out of the gate room, leaving a stunned archeologist and general behind them.

The End

No sequel planned