How She Never Saw Him

By Chinesemoon

A/N: This is my first ever attempt at a Remus/Tonks pairing. I hope you all like it! Please review!

Disclaimer: And He did tell them that she did not posses the god like Harry Potter. And He did say that Chinesemoon did not own HP, that it was a holy thing, belonging to the great and powerful J.K. Rowling!

Chapter 1: How She Knew Him

There was pain in every life time. Along with the pain she always suffered, she never thought she'd find pleasure too. It was so long since Nymphadora Tonks had seen the light of happiness that she had begun to suspect that it was only a empty, bottomless thing that people only talked about.

She grew up feeling unwanted and alone in the world. She had no friends, no romantic encounters of any kind... her life was like a bad dream; a dream she couldn't wake up from.

So she did what she wanted. She joined the Order of the Phoenix, and for the first time, she felt like she had a family. She had friends, both male and female, and she respected them, and they respected her. It was like some kind of odd heaven.

She was almost frightened to meet everyone on her first day, which was the oddest thing in the world, because she wasn't a shy person. Not usually, anyway. Only that first day, it was different somehow. She felt like she was suddenly meeting the family she never had.

She'd worked with the Order for four years – since she was twenty-one years old – when she met the two people who changed her life forever.

He almost waltzed into her life. Sirius Black they called him. She was alarmed at meeting him at first; wasn't he a murderer? No. He was not. Most certainly not. He was the kindest, nicest man in the world... well, almost.

If she thought Sirius Black changed her life, she wasn't ready for the impact he made on her. She wasn't in any single bloody way ready for his personality, his body, his eyes, and that cocky smile of his.

Yes, it was rather an understatement to say that she wasn't enthralled completely and definitely by Remus Lupin.

Yes. Remus Lupin. How he changed her life forever. For better or for worse. He didn't know at first how much he affected her. Sirius Black, fresh out of Azkaban, and rather peeved. Remus Lupin at his side, fresh from teaching at Hogwarts, and looking cool and controlled.

Tonks was standing next to the door at the time they made their dramatic entrance. She hadn't thought much of her appearance that day, not knowing she would see anyway new. She let her hair hang in its natural appearance. Shoulder length, curly and light brown. She had on a baggy gray tee shirt and black jeans. The door slammed open suddenly, and in marched Sirius Black, clad in tight black clothing, and sniffing the air like a free and crazed man.

He walked into the room, growling slightly. Molly Weasley laid a hand on Tonks's shoulder. Mrs. Weasley had warned her Sirius was free, innocent, and arriving, but she didn't say what day. Tonks was sure she was rather pale looking for having seen a man, she grew up believing was a murderer most of her life.

Sirius walked in, and grinned. He looked at her, and was obvious about looking her over. He walked up to her. Tonks was determined to look calm. He took her hand, and carefully brought it to his lips. He kissed her hand, his eyes making contact with his.

"You are?" He said in a low voice, she assumed he thought was sexy. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Call me Tonks," She said.

The door was kicked open wider, and a second man came in. Tonks noticed that he had light brown hair, and was wearing old, shabby looking robes. He carried many bags and cases. He snorted loudly when he saw Sirius.

"If you're quite done flirting, Sirius," The man said, setting down a case. "Would you mind helping with this? Really, need you have taken all this rubbish?"

Tonks watched him set down a bag. He stood up straight and looked at Tonks. Pale blue eyes the color of the ocean locked onto her. It was at that moment, as a small smile crept onto Remus Lupin's face, that Tonks found herself, for the first time in her life, left totally breathless. His eyes bore harder into her, and she felt them inside of her very soul. They sole her heart at that moment.

"It's not rubbish," Sirius said, shoving Remus.

"Now, now," Remus said. "Aren't we a rude bunch. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Remus Lupin—" Remus said, bowing and smiling at Tonks. "And this is Sirius Black."

"Aka, ex-convict," Sirius added, with a bitter laugh.

"Ah," Remus said, turning his attention to Mrs. Weasley. "Molly, you're looking radiant."

Mrs. Weasley blushed.

"Allow me to introduce Sirius Black," He said, touching Mrs. Weasley's arm.

From then on, Tonks made it her duty to be around him. She took jobs near him, she sat with him at dinner, and she always offered to help him. She always had a witty line to play up on him. He was polite, and kind to her. Only that.

She knew there must have been ten years in age difference between them. She knew that. Nonetheless, she never gave up. How could he not find her at least a little attractive? He had too, she knew Sirius did. So why couldn't she make him look at her as something other than a girl?

She tried, lord knows she tried. She did everything she could, but he never saw past her age. She wore tighter tee shirts, she wore skirts for Merlin's sake. She changed her hair to every which way she could think of. Nothing got more than one glance from him.

She yearned to see the inner wolf in him. She couldn't think of anything she wished for more. The thing was, she wasn't prepared when she did see him that way. She stumbled upon him one night in the kitchens. She wasn't ready for what she saw there— she wasn't ready.

She knew a different person from the one she found sitting at the kitchen table at three in the morning. His eyes were red from lack of sleep, his face was unshaven, and his voice horse. She thought he was another person.

She say him that night, like she'd never seen him before—

She saw the Remus Lupin he didn't want her to know.


A/N: The R rating will start in the next chapter. It's mild, I'm a chicken.

A/N: This is rated R for adult themes. Yes, yes. I'm sorry it's mild. I'm a chicken. I need practice at it. Haha.

Disclaimer: Says Chinesemoon, I don't own this! Don't sue, read the story and you'll find bliss!

Chapter 2: How She Saw Him

Tonks couldn't sleep. She couldn't think. For Merlin's sake, she couldn't ever breathe! She sat up in her bed, curious beads of sweat trickling down the side of her pale face. More than half a moon's light spilled into her room, illuminating everything she set her violet eyes upon. Things seemed to glow in the dark. Was that the moon or her eyes?

She threw the bed cover away from her body. She struggled to untangle her feet from the sheets. With a frustrated sigh, she tore the blankets away and stood up. She stumbled to the door and pressed her ear to the wood. Nothing; no sound. She thought she heard something... what was it?

People called Tonks crazy. It had been so long that she'd been branded a weirdo that she was beginning to believe that fact herself. She was odd! Well, dammit, she did wear her hair as purple a lot lately. When she went to sleep, she was too tired to hold her shape. She let herself slide into her original form. It was so displeasing, but then again, she was asleep. If she was asleep, she was alone... usually. Hell, always.

Tonks frowned as the door made a loud squeaking noise when she opened it. Her bare feet padded on the cold wooden floor as she crept down the hallway. Her legs felt bare to the air around her, even though she was wearing short shorts. Her tank top seemed to cover less of her flesh than she realized, tucked away in a warm bed.

Down the stairs. One, two, one, two. She prayed Mrs. Black didn't hear her and start screaming at the top of her lungs. The last thing she wanted right then was for the whole bloody house to wake up because of her – again.

All she needed was a little warm milk. A glass of milk, perhaps a biscuit, and off she went. It was easy, it was quick. She always had better luck sleeping with something in her stomach. She wished she had eaten more at dinner that night.

The door to the kitchen was ajar. There was a dim light coming from under the door, and Tonks thought, Mrs. Weasley must have left the fire burning all night. She usually did that.

Tonks pushed open the door slightly. She looked behind her at the painting of Mrs. Black. She kept her eyes locked on it as she backed into the room. The painting remained asleep as Tonks quietly closed the door behind her.

"You're up late."

The voice almost made Tonks scream. She whipped around, her eyes landing on the moon illuminated Remus Lupin. She grabbed her heart dramatically, and fanned herself. He was wearing a white button up night shirt and soft gray cotton bed trousers. Tonks turned her eyes down, noting with a flush of color that his shirt was only half done up, leaving many buttons at the top open.

"I- I came to get a snack," Tonks said, calmly. "You too I fancy?"

Remus shrugged, his eyes fiery. "Just contemplated killing myself," He said dully. "My usual cheery thoughts."

Tonks grabbed the biscuit bin and sat down across from him at the table. She pretended to be fascinated with a scratch in the table. She felt his eyes following her outline. She wanted to scream again, but not from fright.

"Fancy seeing you here in the middle of the night," Tonks said, giving a laugh. "I thought only the crazy people couldn't sleep."

Tonks was startled to hear a low growl from Remus. Her eyes shot to his face, and he slowly licked his lips, like a wolf hunting his pray.

"Crazy is as crazy does," Remus said, his bottom lip curling. His hands, which lay on top of the table, clutched the surface of the cherry counter top. His knuckles were white. His eyes were... different. What was wrong with him? She wondered. Was this him on lack of sleep?

Remus made a face at her. Tonks, raised an eyebrow. He looked rather silly, she thought. She'd never seen him like this. She smiled faintly at him. Standing up, she turned around and opened the cabinet, in search of a milk glass. Another low growl came from Remus's general direction.

Tonks turned around to see what was the matter. She found his eyes locked onto her frame. She opened her mouth, her eyes tracing his shirt. How did it get undone? She dared not ask.

"Didn't you're mother ever tell you not to taunt your peers?" He said, in a low voice.

"Remus?" Tonks said, tilting her head to one side.

"It's rather brave, don't you think," Remus said, clenching his fist on the table. "To be running around at night in such an outfit?"

Tonks blushed, setting down a glass on the table in front of him. She cleared her throat.

"Um, Remus? What's wrong?" She asked, stepping closer. Her throat had gone dry, she suddenly realized. She couldn't make her feet move any closer. She wished her heart wasn't so damn loud.

"You, that's what," Remus answered. Tonks was taken aback. She would have stumbled backwards, had she been able to move. "You're under my skin, Tonks."

Tonks cocked an eyebrow at him. She noticed how ruffled his hair looked, all falling in his face like that. He looked different – he looked younger somehow.

Remus stood up. Tonks couldn't register any sign of alarm in her mind. Her eyes could have been blurry, or he could have been walking up to her.

Both his hands landed on her bare shoulders. He moved his fingers along her soft skin, his eyes never leaving her face. He licked his lips suddenly, and growled.

"I'm warning you Tonks," He said, through gritted teeth. "Get away from me right now, or else—"

She stepped closer. She wanted to drape her arms over his shoulders. Would he shove her if she sniffed his neck? She wanted his scent. She wanted more than that. He looked willing to give—

She touched his face. Her fingers glided over his cheek, going up and touching his messy light brown hair. Her grabbed her hand and held it in a painful grip.

"No," He hissed. The fire began to burn out as he yanked her closer. "Dammit Tonks. You don't know what you're doing. I won't be able to stop. Get – away – from – me. You're a child—"

"I'm not," She breathed. "But maybe I need someone to teach me things."

She always knew there was another side of him. The side he didn't want her to know. The side he never wanted her to see. That crazy wolf inside him, wanted to break lose. His kiss wasn't soft and kind like she always imagined it to be. His touch wasn't slow and careful. His mouth certainly wasn't gentle. It was all so hard and needy. She liked it.

He was strong, and she was surprised. He leaned over and scooped her up in his arms. He sat on the side of the table, holding her in his arms, kissing her neck quickly. She was still too shocked to realize what was happening. She only knew she was adding to it by kissing back so hungrily.

He stood up, still carrying her. He walked up the stairs. Each step he took, she wished harder and harder that no one would see them. What would happen if they were found...

He pushed open the door to his room. He dumped her on the bed, undoing one of his shirt buttons. He growled and looked at her, his eyes burning.

"Right now," Remus breathed, flicking another button open. "Nymphadora Tonks, tell me to stop."

Inhaling a breath of air, she looked at him and saw what she wanted for so many years.

"No," She said.


A/N: Here's chapter three everyone! Please review! Thanks a lot.

Disclaimer: walks along I don't own— trips over rock Ow! Damn rock! I don't own Harry Potter. Please don't sue, either for using Harry Potter, or for my lame disclaimers!

Chapter 3: How He Really Was

Tonks had had a few lovers in her twenty-five years. All of them were ruthless and none of them stayed. She had never woken up in the morning with someone next to her, and it was the oddest thing. She didn't love any of the past men she'd been with like she loved him.

None of them did to her what Remus Lupin did. No one could compete with him. He knew things she never thought or dreamed about before that last night. Her faced turned scarlet remembering it. His kiss, his touch, his very being. Merlin, was he always that way? How did woman pass him up? How did they pass that up?!

He was so... my God, he was so—

Something. He was something; Remus Lupin was something else, and he sure as hell could do something else just as well, too!

Tonks let her eyes adjust to the room she was in. If she squinted hard enough, she thought she caught the pale blue of her tank top laying across the room. Her shorts were thrown over his desk... and—

Yes, they were in his room. How did she forget? She stared at his trousers, laying in a heap on the floor ten feet away. She blushed. His hand was now resting on her upper arm. She wiggled slightly, and his hand fell to the front, limply.

Tonks blushed again, not daring to move, and not daring to breathe. She remembered how he was last night. So needy, so passionate. It brought shivers to her just thinking about it. Twenty-four hours ago, she was dreaming of him, now where was she? Laying in his room, on his bed, naked next to him. This was so impossible...

Was it really happening? Truly, and for real?

She hurt. Every part of her hurt. He was rather violent... he was kind of rough. It was hot, it was rough. He was great.

His face was snuggled into her neck. His saliva had dried on her skin, hours ago. His fingers loosened their grip and touched her softly as he slept. It was early in the morning, the sun was beginning to come up. Everyone else in the house was still asleep. It was almost dawn.

Tonks felt the blankets rustle, and he moved slightly. She turned her head to look at his face. He looked so much younger than he really was. He didn't look at all to be ten years older than her.

He opened his mouth against her neck slightly. She felt his eyelashes moving. He was waking up. What was he going to say to her?

It seemed to take him a moment to understand what was going on. He looked at Tonks, frowning for a flash of a second, then down at himself, naked.

Like a bolt, Remus Lupin shot up in the bed, a horrified look across his face.

Tonks frowned slowly as the look of utter terror remained on Remus's face. He kept looking from himself to Tonks and back again. He noted their thrown and scattered clothes with weary eyes.

"Tonks," He managed to say in a strangled voice. "My God! What did I – what did we do?"

Tonks was left speechless. A sinking feeling began to flood her insides. She blushed and cleared her throat.

"We... well, Remus," Tonks said, stuttering. "We – well, we made – um, we..." She stumbled along her sentence like she were tripping over rocks. Meanwhile, Remus looked pale.

He held his head as if he were dizzy. He sat up slightly, taking his hand off her body with startling quickness. He opened his mouth to speak but said nothing.

"Oh bloody hell," He said. "Bloody, bloody hell. I've done it now. Oh Merlin."

Tonks moved to sit up, the blankets falling away slightly. Remus dived for the covers and held them up to her.

"Tonks," He whispered. "My God. I – what have I done to you?"

Tonks licked her bottom lip. "Nothing that I didn't want Remus," She said slowly. He looked sick at her statement.

"No, no," He said, holding his head. "What happened last night! I can't remember a damn thing!"

He scrunched up his brows, thinking hard. His face softened as he seemed to recall something of the previous night.

"You came to the kitchen," He muttered, almost more to himself than to she. "You were— so tempting. My God. I did that to you... oh, no. Merlin, no. I touched you Tonks..."

Tonks moved her hand up to his hair. Her fingers again touched his soft hair. He grabbed her hand, just as he had the night before, only much softer.

"What date is it today?" Remus said, touching her hand, his finger unconsciously tracing hers. Tonks thought about it.

"The Nineteenth," She said.

Remus groaned. "Two days to full moon," He said dully.

Tonks felt fear building in her heart. "What are you talking about?" She asked, more shrilly than she had meant. "Remus?"

Remus Lupin looked like death warmed over.

"Tonks," He whispered in a horse voice. "I couldn't control it. I'm sorry. Forgive me! I couldn't stop it... I can't control my hormones when I'm so close to changing, my desires always take over me... oh my God, Tonks. What have I done to you?"

Tonks felt her lower lip shaking. She wanted to grab him right then and kiss him so hard and passionately like he had done with her last night. She wanted to touch him and show him how she felt, like he'd done with her... just like he'd done.

He was suddenly breathing hard. He was staring at her, the blanket wrapped around her. He looked disbelieving.

"You haven't done anything," Tonks said, moving her hand to his face. "Please, Remus, I- I wanted—"

Remus shuttered as she touched his face. His breath was hot, and she felt it as he leaned closer to her.

"What?" He said, desperately. "Tell me what, Tonks!"

"I wanted you," She whispered, leaning closer and longing to taste his lips again. "I wanted you, Remus. I still do."

Remus's eyes looked like they were watering. Tonks wasn't sure if he would cry or not. He held it in, however, and stared at her, shaking his head.

"You—" He started, breathlessly. "You... you wanted me..."

Tonks felt a tear of her own fall down her cheek. "Please believe me Remus," She said. "I - I love you."

Another silent tear fell down her face. Next, she did the only thing she could think of. She tugged the blanket away from her body, and let him stare. She smiled faintly as his mouth dropped open slightly in surprise. She knew he couldn't tear his eyes away.

He gasped slightly, turning his eyes up to hers and locking his intense gaze on her, like he did the first moment she saw him.

"Please don't do this to me, Tonks," He gasped. "I'm – you're ten years younger than me!"

Tonks scooted closer to him. She carefully snaked her arms around him. The sun was not yet over the hill outside. The sky was pink and orange. She moistened her lips.

"I don't care. I didn't care when I first saw you," She whispered, leaning close to his ear. He shuttered again, reluctantly touching her bare shoulders to try and stop her from moving closer. "I don't care now." She finished.

She kissed his ear. A violent shiver ran through him. He pulled her back slightly and looked into her eyes.

"Tonks?" He said softly. "Is this what you want?"

She nodded. He carefully pulled her closer, his mouth hovering over hers until she felt like screaming from want of him.

He kissed her softly on the mouth, his lips gently move across hers. It wasn't at all like what they'd shared last night.

"That wasn't the way I am," He whispered, kissing her neck soft as a feather. He licked her neck. "That wasn't the way I do that to woman..." He left a trail of drool on her neck and in her ear. She made no move to whip it away. He bit the tip of her ear, while her heart pounded.

"Remus—" Tonks said, in a strangled breath.

"No, no," He said gently, pushing her back into a lying position. He smiled at her, licking his lips, but not growling like before. "Let me show how I really am when I love a woman."

Tonks would have screamed if he hadn't looked so serious.

"Because I do, Tonks," He whispered against her. "I do love you."

She'd seen one side of him already, the side he didn't show. Now so longed to see the other side, the one he showed to the woman he loved.

"Yes, Remus," She said, pulling his head to her mouth. "Show me that side of you now."