Title: Hells Bells

Author: electricgurl

email: see profile

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or the episode Hells Bells...I'm just temporally using them ;)

Rating: PG-13 (child abuse and Language)

Summary: A montage before the events of Hells Bells.

Timeline: Before Hells Bells.

Paring: Xander/Anya

Copyright 2004 Amelia Coombes AKA: electricgurl.


My father never...really loved me. He said he did but you could see that he was lying. You could see it in his eyes That all he wanted to do with me was toss me around and have another person to blame for his misgivings. Because he was 'perfect' we couldn't be the innocent people no, he was God almighty and we were the ants that worshiped him. I was just something to have around to blame for his mistakes. That was all I was to him. A mistake...a burden...a fault.

My father was a sick and twisted man who when he was too drunk to get my mother down from her locked room he would call me into the room to play a 'game' with him. The game was to see how many beatings I could take before I began to cry...or faint. You have to be a real man. That means taking pain. He would always say. So I was a way for him to vent his frustrations about his life and the world. I was his personal moving punching bag. I would always get in trouble if I tried to move. Couldn't do that. Had to take it like a man....yeah right...when and if you ever become a man I'll listen to ya Pops.

I still have scars from where he almost claimed my life a number of times. That's why I am always covered up. Questions would be asked if they saw the scars. Can't have that. Word would get out..."what would the neighbours think?" My mother would always exclaim. Everything was fine as long as the old man was beating up on me and not her. She wasn't any better then him. I have to say there isn't much more scarier then the fact that your own father beats you and your mother covers for him.

I remember every beating, every hand, every weapon; he used against me. What each one felt like as it hit my skin, or how deep it cut towards my bones. I remember the noise that my arms made when the bones had reached their limits. Ribs cracking, blacking out after 'falling,' the painfully waking I got so we could continue with the game.

Every drink that he took led to another step towards my early and painfully death. The looks of pure joy when I would cry out in pain. And the looks of anger when I would remain silent.

I still jump every time I hear a loud noise or see a person with their fist raised above me.

Not a lot of people know about this. I have trust issues. Ha! Willow knows of course. She has known from the beginning. Can't hid anything from my little wicca. She is so bright...sometimes for her own good. She thought she could have stopped it by herself...I still have nightmares of what had happened. The beating I had received because I had told someone. I was afraid to go near my father for almost two weeks afterwards. So I stayed in my room away from the world and the pain.

Anya knows. I had a dream one night. One of the first that we had even been together. She didn't know what to do. It was nice, in that moment I knew that I loved her. She had held me close and whispered to me, about her life before becoming a demon. About her unknown feelings that she couldn't control. That night we grew closer then we had ever been and it's led us to this building.

None of the others in the current gang know. Cordy does, she had walked in on one of my fathers 'session' I have to say that she was never the same to me afterwards. It changed us both in too many ways.

Giles might have a clue, but he doesn't say anything about it and I'm glad. I don't know what I would tell him if he asked. It's something that I'm not fond of discussing. I imagine that Tara knows...Somehow that makes it better. She is a loving girl and helps whenever she can. I think that she is sweet...And somehow seems to have a more important reason for being.

Buffy, what can I say about her. She was the girl of my dreams...I figured that if I told her then she would think less of me...I could never do that. She needs someone that she doesn't have to 'look' after. She needs the freedom to not have to worry about me every time I go home. I think that was the main reason I never told her...That and I think she might have killed him if she had ever found out. Faith. Now there was a surprise waiting...That one night together she found out plenty. And like wise. We share a common bond. She was abused also. I guess we found an agreement not to talk about it. We just traced the scars on one another body and shared knowledge-filled stares.

Dawn...my little Buff, sweet and loving. It would break her heart to find out about everything that I went through. I could never do that to her. It's better that she doesn't know. It's worth the hiding not to see the pity in her glaze that I know would be there if I told her. Wesley...he kinda found out by accident. We never spoke about it. He caught be changing after a fight. He saw my back...let me just say this...it isn't a pretty sight. I'm sure I was imaging it but I think I saw respect in his eyes after that.

Spike, what can I say. I couldn't care less if he knew about me. I have seen his scars and I have to wonder if they were from his father or from living more then 100 years. I hope the latter...I wouldn't wish what I have gone threw on anyone. Including him. Which leave Angel. He knows....he found out before he turned. He used it against me when he was Angelus. He knew just where to strike and how hard. I think that is why I could never forgive him. It hit to close to the heart.

I think that the few that don't know about it think I am a pussy for jumping and such. To afraid to face the thinks that go bump in the night. HA! If only they knew the truth I was hiding from them. I'm afraid of things...but nothing that doesn't resemble my father.

The gang never questioned the fact that I knew a lot of discipline arts. Why would they? It is the Hellmouth after all...a person should be able to protect ones self.

I don't know what I would do if the remaining people found out. And I hope to never find out. I just hope that on this day...my wedding day. I can find the strength to be a better man then he was. to overcome my father and be my own man.

So with this I promise to my soon-to-be wife, Anya and myself, Alexander Harris. I will be better then my old man.

Because I have to be.