Disclaimer: All of these fabulous characters belong to J.R.R Tolkien, not to me :(.
A/N: The idea for this parody came while recently watching (and laughing so hard I almost cried) an episode of "General Hospital," which I am ashamed to admit I watched faithfully back in the late '90s. The characters and situations in these daytime soaps are just so outrageous that I just HAD to write this. No offense to those who enjoy watching soaps, they're a guilty pleasure, take it from one who used to watch them!
Warning: sexual innuendo and mild situations, baby-stealing (at least talked about), character death, wife abduction...all featuring Middle-earth's finest elves!
"All Elrond's Children"
TV Announcer: "On the MBC (Middle-earth Broadcasting Corporation) News at 4, get the latest updates on the Saruman slow-speed chase currently snarling traffic on the 91 freeway. How will this affect your commute? Stay tuned! Meanwhile, here are scenes from the next 'All Elrond's Children':
Glorfindel and Legolas are dining in a dimly-lit, upscale restaurant, dressed in expensive outfits with matching accessories. Glorfindel tearfully confesses that the Peredhel family is coming apart as Legolas pours more wine in the glow of the fireplace. Moody elevator music plays in the background:
Glorfindel (camera close-up on his tear-streaked face): "If something happens to Elrond...(dramatic pause) I don't know if I can save him this time."
Camera closes in on Legolas' intense, wide-eyed gaze.
Elrond and Galadriel stand face-to-face in the dimly-lit chambers of Elrond's study, she being dressed provocatively in a long, silk robe and he unwillingly having to deal with her increasing advances. More moody music in the background:
Galadriel (smiling and sidling up to him): "We can do this the easy way, or...(camera close-up on their faces) we can do this the pleasurable way."
Elrond steps back, horrified: "How can you do this to your husband and daughter, my wife?!"
Galadriel grabs a fistful of his tunic and pulls him against her: "Of course you would NEVER consider telling either of them about this, you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who would believe you." Camera close-up on her sinister smirk: "Do not forget who you are dallying with, my beautiful son-in-law."
Elrond flinches but does not pull away: "I am NOT having a dalliance with anyone, least of all my mother-in-law!"
Galadriel chuckles and trails her fingers along his jaw: "Well then, if you won't dally then I guess I have no choice..." She leans in suddenly and kisses him.
Erestor and Eowyn lie in a lavish four-poster bed in a room lit only by a glowing fireplace, discussing Eowyn's lingering trauma over her surrogate pregnancy that helped Aragorn and Arwen have their first child. Moody music is ever-present but now with malicious undertone:
Eowyn (weeping as she lies across Erestor's chest): "He came from MY body, MY soul, MY being,...(dramatic pause) it's MINE!"
Erestor takes her face between his hands and makes her look at him: "My love, do you hear what you're saying?! You're talking about stealing another couple's child!"
Camera close-up on Eowyn's tear-stained, deranged expression: "Haven't we waited long enough for one of our own, Erestor?" She begins to weep. "I want my baby, Erestor! I WANT MY BABY BACK!"
Celebrian sits on a plush sofa in the midst of a large, extravagant hotel suite, her hands bound, while Thranduil pours red wine into two glasses, dressed provocatively in a long, silk robe. Thranduil has abducted Celebrian and whisked her away to Beverly Hills, and her family is as yet unaware of her whereabouts. Seductive music plays in the background:
Celebrian glowers and glances around: "I don't even want to know how or why you did this, but don't think you're going to get away with it!"
Thranduil laughs and slowly approaches her with two wine glasses: "You don't look like you're in too much discomfort, sweetheart, believe me, this is just what you need."
Celebrian glares up at him: "Once word gets out, my family and the police will swarm this place so fast you won't have time to breathe! There's NOTHING you could ever offer me that I would want!"
Camera close-up on Thranduil as he smiles seductively and slowly slips out of his robe: "On the contrary, baby-doll, I have a lot to offer you, and I think you'll definitely want more..."
Elladan and Elrohir are standing alone out on the fishing pier late at night, struggling with the heavy contents of a trash bag. They are dressed in black leather from head to toe, including gloves, and they are extremely frantic as they work:
Elrohir: "Are you sure this is the best way? What makes you think some fisherman won't find the body?"
Elladan grimaces as he crouches down to pick up one end of the bag: "I TOLD you, if we just keep quiet and play it cool, nobody will find out! Besides, we didn't kill Haldir. He fell and hit his head, remember? Hurry, help me with this!"
A voice calls out to them: "Do you need some help there, my lads?"
Elladan and Elrohir freeze, wide-eyed, as they turn around and see Gandalf gazing curiously at them from the shore. Suspenseful music plays as the screen fades to black.......
END TITLE SCREEN
TV Announcer: "Will Eowyn steal Aragorn and Arwen's baby? Can the twins keep a terrible secret from Gandalf? Tune in tomorrow when 'All Elrond's Children returns! Keep it tuned to MBC News at 4 for more updates on the Saruman slow-speed chase as they occur. Coming up next, it's 'Elf Eye for the Human Guy'!"
A/N: I don't know, folks, you tell me. Is it "sequel-worthy?" What did 'ya think? Please, please, let me know in a constructive way what you thought...