TITLE: If You Could... 1/1 AUTHORS: Sam )
RATING:PG-13 FEEDBACK: My life sucks. Cheer me up... please?
DISCLAIMER: All established characters (Micki, Ryan, Jack, Johnny, Lewis etc....) belong to Frank Mancuso, Jr. Kate Brannigan is a creation of Karen. I just borrow her to make Karen shake her head.
EXPLANATION: Objects bad, shop crew good.
TIMELINE: After the story "A Life In Reverse".

Inspired by a conversation held at work (which was in a way inspired by an episode of "Red Dwarf"). So it's dedicated to people who'll never read it: Alexis, Daphne, Ashlie, Anna and Leslie :-)

Ryan Dallion stretched out in front of the TV and sighed.

Johnny Ventura, seated beside him, nodded. "Yup."

"When did TV turn to crap?" Ryan picked up the remote.

"I don't know. We're saturated with this stupid reality show crap. I don't think people know how to write shows anymore. They rely on people to "be real", then slap their names on it and BAM! Famous."

"I tell you one thing, this place would make one hell of a reality show."

"Please don't use the word 'hell' around here." Johnny cringed in his seat.

Ryan slowly eyed around. "Oh. Yeah." He pressed the 'up' button once more, then stopped. "Oh my God! She-Ra!"

"What," Johnny asked.

"Are you kidding me? She-Ra. God, I loved this cartoon. She was so..."


"Well, yeah... for a cartoon character. I mean she was thin and... shapely..."

"And armor plated."

"Exactly! It's like, yeah she could kick your ass, but afterwards you could still cuddle."

"So you're telling me that secretly you're into S & M?"

"Oh come on. If you could do it with a cartoon character, who would it be?"

Johnny half smiled. "Why does it always have to be about sex with you?"

Ryan sighed. "Okay, pick two. One to have a lasting relationship and occasional sex with and one to just screw."

Johnny was silent for a minute. "Okay, my lasting relationship? Jem."

Ryan nearly choked on his soda. "Jem?!"


"With that hair?"

"Hey, Micki used to have that hair."

Ryan thought for a minute. "Oh God, you're right." He shook his head. "But seriously, why Jem?"

"Well, she's business minded and goal oriented. And she's got money to burn."

"And she's got a secret identity. There's a foundation to build trust on."

"Hey, we practically have secret lives. We don't meet people and say, 'Hi, I'm Johnny. What do I do for a living? I run after insane killers to collect nick-nacks they've purchased that have been cursed by the devil. Hobbies? Oh, I have many. Collecting medical supplies and comparing scars with my co-workers.' Sort of a conversation stopper."

"Okay, and your screw? Johnny looked around.

"She's next door."


"Kate. She's looking up stuff for Jack." Ryan leaned in. "Screw?"

Johnny smiled. "Jessica Rabbit."

Ryan slowly smiled. "Nice choice."

"And now you, young pervert?"


"Your turn."

"Well, you know my screw."

"The mighty ass-kicking, yet cuddly She-Ra."

"You bet. My relationship... Tough one." He was silent for a minute. "Got it. Marge Simpson."

Johnny blinked. "Okay, that one you're going to have to explain."

"She's smart, funny, family oriented..."

"Who, me?" Kate Brannigan walked through the adjoining shop door.

"No," Ryan said just as Johnny replied "Yes".

Kate smiled. "What'd I miss?"

Ryan opened his mouth, but Johnny quickly threw his hand over it. "Just a philosophical discussion."

Ryan licked Johnny palm, which he withdrew in disgust. "Just watching some cartoons."

Kate smiled. "Ah the 'which cartoon character would you have sex with' discussion."

Ryan nodded "Time honored tradition. But Johnny thinks I'm shallow so we had to stretch the parameters. Life long partner and a screw on the side."

"And who were you discussing earlier? I mean, I know you'd screw She-Ra."

Ryan laughed. "That's why you're my best friend. I said that my long term would be Marge Simpson. She's smart, funny, family minded..."

"Likes big dumb guys..."

Ryan smirked. "You wanna know who your boyfriend fantasizes about?"

Kate smiled and sat on Johnny's lap. "I'm all ears."

Johnny shot Ryan a glare and began to turn red.

"Johnny, I don't care. It's a cartoon. I mean, if you said you wanted to screw Micki I might get testy..."


She wiggled closer to his chest and laughed. "Come on, who?"

"Well, he'd spend the rest of his life with Jem..."

"Jem?" Kate frowned. "With that hair?"

Ryan nodded. "Remind me I have a photo album to show you. And his booty buddy?"

Johnny hung his head. "Oh God."

"Jessica Rabbit."

Kate blinked. "Yeah, him and half the rest of the American male population." She looked at Johnny. "So I guess I should buy a wig and a sparkly red dress?"

"I was just..."

She kissed him quickly. "Oh let it go."

Ryan made a fake disgusted face, then smirked. "What about you, Kate?"

She quickly looked at him. "Oh no, you're not dragging me into this."

"Oh come on. It's easy. One to have a lasting relationship with and the other just to hump your brains out." He wiggled his eyebrows.

She looked from him, to Johnny, then back. "Okay. Screw... Paul McCartney from 'Yellow Submarine'."

"Oh cheater!"

"You didn't say he had to be exclusively a cartoon. I want the animated version of Paul McCartney."

Ryan frowned. "Okay, I'll accept it. Relationship?"

Kate's face turned pink. "I don't want to say."

"Oh come on!"

"Okay." She got off Johnny's lap. "Brian from 'Family Guy'."

Johnny blinked. "The big fat kid?"

Ryan's mouth hung open. "No, that's Chris. Brian's... the dog."

Johnny's head spun around. "A dog?!"

Kate threw her arms on the air. "I told you I didn't want to say!"

Oh my God, Johnny thought, my girlfriend's into bestiality.

"I didn't say I wanted to have sex with a dog."

"Thank God," Ryan murmured.

"You said lasting, loving relationship. He's funny, very smart, well read, and has traveled around the world. He's also very loyal." Taking in the strange looks on the men's faces, she turned on her heel and left the room. "They want to screw cartoons and I'm weird."

Neither Ryan nor Johnny looked at each other. Finally Ryan broke the silence. "So does this mean that Jessica Rabbit's gonna have sex with a guy in a dog suit?"

"Shut up Ryan."

"She's your girlfriend."

"She's your best friend."

"I'm glad I never kissed her."

"Yes you have!"

"No I... oh yeah." He sighed. "Well, at least I never..."

"Neither have I."

"Really?" Ryan met Johnny's eyes. "You guys haven't...?"

"No yet."

Ryan sat back and smirked. "It's cause you're not a funny, smart, well read, traveling loyal dog."

"That's it." Johnny jumped on top of Ryan.

"Not in the face! Not the face!"

Kate stuck her head back in the door and sighed. "It's a good thing they're cute."