I'm sorry, I really am. I apologize for this, and I know it's probably going to get flamed out of control. It's just... I don't really care. I know I'm not homophobic, so if you think that I am, go ahead and tell me. A.Dee and I will have a good laugh about it.
If you haven't read A.Dee's "Sirius, I'm..." than go! Go on! Go read it! This is a parody of that. And, no, if you've read it, it's probably not what you're expecting.
"Harry?" Sirius asked him, looking sheepishly at his plate of food. In the huge house, he didn't have to sit so close to him at the end of the table. It could have easily sat 20 some people, as well as Hagrid. "There is something Remus and I want to talk to you about."
Remus nodded, looking almost guilty.
Harry looked up at both of them apprehensively. "What is it? Is there something wrong?"
"No... no, nothing is wrong. We just wanted to tell you something that might come as a shock to you. You have been living in this house for a week now and... you deserve to be told the truth, Harry." Remus said. His voice was low, as if soothing.
"That's right. If we want you to be honest with us, we should do the same for you."
"Now, Harry. This might come as a bit of a surprise to you."
"The situation might phase you a bit, but I think in time, you'll get used to the idea."
"What's going on guys? Is there something wrong with you? Are you sick or something?" he asked in a small voice. Whatever it was that was happening, it couldn't be good.
"Harry?" he nodded.
There was silence for a few beats as dramatic tension overcame the table.
"We're not gay."
He gasped. "You aren't? Oh my God! I can't believe it!"
"It's true. We aren't really going out with each other. That night when we went out dancing? We were meeting dates. Women dates."
"Why did it take you so long to tell me? Don't you think this is something that I should have found out sooner?" he asked in a pissed off voice.
"We- We didn't know how you would take it, Harry. Are- are you okay with this? I really hope this isn't going to cause any problems. Maybe we can go into family counseling if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I just hope that you aren't going to go all straightaphobic on us."
"Oh come on. I'm straight myself... it's just...this doesn't make sense! I mean, if you're straight, Sirius, why do you have a blow dryer?"
Sirius huffed. "A lot of straight men have hair dryers. Just because I am a heterosexually oriented man doesn't mean I don't like being pretty."
"And Remus? How is it you have such good style and clothes sense? I mean, you're an interior decorator for gods sake!"
"There are some things that you just can't help. It was in my blood when I was born. I didn't choose this life path."
"And the noises?"
"Trust me, Harry. You don't want to go there." Sirius said. Remus turned to him with a raised eyebrow. "Remus, you neither."
"This is so... strange. I mean, I never pictured you straight."
"It's going to take some time to get used to, Harry. But after awhile, you'll come to see us just the same as we were before we told you this."
Harry shook his head, his eyebrows raised. "Who would have thought?"