Title: The Ancient's Ultimate Frisbee
Disclaimer: Don't own a single thing, really, promise.
Summary: Sheppard and Ford are creating general chaos in McKay's lab... and it's all fun and games until someone gets hit in the nose with a hunk of metal.
A/N: This is for Stef, from the SG thread at Fanforum... who basically told me to stop stressing about a couple I wanted to ship, and just write. I owe you one ;)
"There's an entire city available for you to obliterate, and you pick MY lab to mess with? Ah- don't even think about it- put that down!"
Sheppard merely smirked at the aggravated look on Rodney's face as he and Ford played catch with a disc-shaped piece of Ancient technology.
"Relax, we won't break it. What is it anyway?" Sheppard asked tossing the metallic device to his 2IC. It wasn't even that big, just slightly larger than his own hand.
"If you must know, I've concluded that it's a weapon of significant power. Either that or it's a paper weight, and I've been wasting my time for the past three hours."
"Who cares- look how cool it spins!" Ford grinned, sending it across the room again.
"Yes, I can see how something like that could amuse the both of you, but I doubt between researching Ascension and fighting the Wraith the Ancient's played Ultimate Frisbee with it, so until I determine what it does and get my official report to Weir, would you put it down and get the hell out of my lab!" Rodney snapped, trying in vain to intercept their game. He felt oddly like the kid in the playground nobody threw the ball to.
"Oh come on McKay it's fun... look here, catch." Sheppard said, spinning the disc extra slow to his favorite scientist.
Rodney watched, as it flew gracefully through the air, and suddenly he remembered why nobody ever threw anything at him.
He went down so peacefully, only to be interrupted by his own yell.
"Shit! McKay are you hurt-"
"Of course I'm hurt you moron, what the hell were you thinking throwing that thing at me, I think I'm concussed, or brain damaged–"
"Don't worry, it's not even bleeding," Ford said supportively. "...and unless your brain's in your nose..."
"Do you mind? I'm trying to panic here. Oh God- I'll never be able to make it to the infirmary like this. If I die someone better make it back to Earth and tell my cat I love her- it's... it's getting dark..."
"That's because the lights just went out," Sheppard explained.
"What do you mean the lights just-"
Rodney stopped his ramble suddenly when a flickering glow emanated from the device... it was accompanied by a faint buzzing.
"I think you broke it," Ford's eyes widened.
"MacKay's nose or the Ancient's Frisbee?" his CO asked.
"Both," Ford clarified.
"No... I think he turned it on," Rodney said incredulous.
"Your nose?" Sheppard said in confusion.
"No! The Ancient's fris... device." snapped the bruised scientist, just as several instruments around his lab began beeping frantically.
"Uh... is this normal?" Sheppard asked warily looking around him at the tiny lights that were flashing angrily.
McKay dove for his laptop, typing frantically, trying to ignore the throbbing of his nose.
"These readings indicate a severe build up of energy particles, growing exponentially, it's surpassed any of the scales my censors are calibrated to."
"So.. that's not good?" Ford questioned.
McKay rolled his eyes.
"I'm sorry, was I going too fast? Energy buildup bad. Makes. Things. Go. Boom."
"Okay then... Fall back!"
Sheppard's order wasn't questioned as all the three men lunged for the exit, made it just in time for Ford to punch in the locking sequence before the ground beneath their feet shuddered menacingly with the scream of an explosion. Boom indeed.
"Major Sheppard and Doctor McKay to the control room- NOW!" the order echoed through the hallways, only moments later.
"Uh oh... Weir's mad," Ford winced.
"Unit three to the science lab, evacuate the area, and set up a perimeter. Do not, I repeat, do not enter McKay's lab." Sheppard ordered through his earpiece. "Ford, stay here and wait for them."
"I need to check these readings again from the control room, we have no idea if the device is still live," The scientist insisted.
"Fine, let's go."
A few stressful hours later...
"...so in conclusion I have no idea what the device was meant to do, but the good news is that the explosion was contained. The room must have its own internal dampening fields that activate in the event of an explosion. Doesn't look like we're facing any sort of threat anymore."
The scientist turned to meet the mostly blank faces of his colleagues and teammates.
"So the Ancient technology prevents explosions?" An Air Force guy asked. McKay could never keep their names straight. Mostly, he wished they'd stick to shooting and leave the talking to the more experienced.
"I'm sorry, did you have some sort of a blackout for the past twenty minutes? I said that if something blows up in one place, it won't mean that the entire city blows up and we all die... that's what contained means."
"Whatever- in my opinion you scientists are a worse security risk than the Wraith, why are we listening to you anyway!" Air Force guy yelled.
"Because, as McKay's repeatedly pointed out, he's smarter than you Captain- now stand down," Sheppard warned.
"You very lucky Lieutenant Ford seal de door! It could have been de catastrophe if ze energie was exposed to other exploseeves!" a heavily accented voice rebuked.
"Look here Sparky-" Rodney began.
"Whatever. I'm sure the crackpot university you paid to give you your doctorate would agree with you but-"
"Do not insult me McKay! I vas handpicked to enter the finest educational institution in my contrey."
"Don't you mean the only educational institution in your country?"
Both Sheppard and Ford were moments away from bursting into laughter, only their years of military training enabled them to hold their composure. Barely.
"Ha! My published papers are greatly superior dan anyzing coming out ov North America!"
"Oh yeah, your work on the deeply complex phenomenon of gravity simply enthralled me."
"Doctors!" Weir cautioned.
"Sorry. Yes, the device almost blew us all up, but the point is that we dealt with it, everything's fine, it's all kittens and rainbows."
"I believe Dr. McKay to be correct. No harm came to anyone... but perhaps in the future, more respect will be given to the tools of the Ancients." Teyla spoke for the first time.
McKay gave her his best winning smile, but it didn't exactly make her leap unto his arms and profess her love... just like every other woman he'd used it on. There was a pattern in there somewhere.
"I agree with Teyla." Sheppard said.
Rodney rolled his eyes. So predictable. "We done here? I have work to do... and I have to set up a new lab in which to do it... all with my lovely new injury."
He winced in memory of Beckett taking sadistic pleasure in giving him a shot, then placing a bandage over the bridge of his nose.
Weir nodded, "Alright, it seems that the situation was controlled... this time. I want to schedule a weekly meeting of the science faculty, specifically to discuss safety measures. We've been concentrating our efforts on protecting ourselves from the Wraith, but it's time we established operating procedures for the handling of new Ancient technology. If there's nothing else, we'll conclude for today."
It didn't take long for the room to start clearing out.
"Okay guys, head to the labs so we can help McKay rig up a new lab." Sheppard ordered his team, still seated around him.
"Ha! What makes you so sure I want any of you near my equipment?" Rodney remarked.
"Aw, come on... don't be like that, here, have some chocolate," Ford offered his half eaten candy bar he'd been not-so-discreetly munching on during the meeting.
"Is that your answer to everything? Chocolate? Oh nooo... the Wraith have descended over the base! But wait- there's no need to fear... Luitenant Ford has CHOCOLATE!"
"Dr. McKay, please let us help you... it is our duty as your friends." Teyla insisted, unphased by his outburst.
"Why? Just because we go through the 'Gate and get shot at together doesn't make us all friends." He snapped.
"But you're our favorite geek McKay." Sheppard said, punching him lightly in the shoulder, "Every real flagship team has one, and you're ours. We're trusting you to come up with the crazy scientific ideas to bail us out of inevitable doom every time a mission goes wrong... which is pretty much every mission."
"Well said sir," Ford supplied.
"So what... I'm now the team's Samantha Carter?"
"You realize I'll never have legs like her."
"Don't want you for your legs McKay, I want you for your head." Sheppard stated.
"Brain. I meant to say brain... Hey! Let's all go get some lunch before we help with the lab... turkey sandwich anyone?"
Rodney raised a suspicious eyebrow. Sure, he didn't exactly like any of them right now... but they were all going to be stuck here for what seemed like a very, very long time... and these guys seemed to get his naturally caustic nature, so they couldn't be all that bad.
"Okay... fine... but next time it's one of you guys getting hit with a hunk of metal and having their labs blown up."
"Whatever you want McKay... whatever you want."