The Admirers Strike Back

(A/N: I would like to thank my fellow Admirers, first and foremost. But especially I would like to thank all of you that bash Raoul, for giving me so much material to work with. No, I'm not being sarcastic for once! I—well, okay, I really am. Here's to the true Phans—the ones that can laugh at themselves. And by the way, I do not officially advocate playing juvenile pranks on Phan Literature authors. There, I said it. I'm covered. ;)

Somewhere, in an undisclosed location, the theme music from Xena: Warrior Princess began to play.

"In a time of recycled plotlines,

Bad writing, and cliches...

A Phandom in stagnation cried out for change

They were Rabid Admirers

Mighty Raoul fans forged in the heat of indignation

The singing

The dancing

The random musical mayhem

Their obsession would change the Phandom!"

Requiem du Fantome, a recent addition to the Admirers, glanced over her shoulder. "Um, where did that come from?"

"Search me," L'Ange de Folie replied, turning a page in Interview magazine. "One of these days, we've got to figure out where these disembodied voices come from."

"Personally, I don't want to know," Gypsy put in.

"So what now?" Estella asked.

The Admirers were sitting around in their headquarters, feeling generally bored and dissatisfied.

"I don't know," Katey said listlessly, shifting in her bean bag chair. "We could bash the Double-F word some more."

"Did that!" the Admirers groaned in unison.

"Or we could throw sticky things at Sam Siciliano's house."

"Did that, too," Manon groaned. Then she perked up. "It'll take him forever to scrape that stuff off his windows!"


This sound was followed by a chorus of clangs and bangs, not unlike a small avalanche of kitchen supplies coming from outside the room.

"What's that?" Lexie asked warily. "More importantly…where's Meg?"

"Not here," Estella replied, leaping to her feet. "Which means she's probably the cause of whatever weird noise we're hearing. Besides, we can't have an Admirers Phan fiction without Meg causing some kind of havoc."

"Crap. Just when things were getting peaceful."

"You mean boring," Kim argued. Lexie ignored this, and dashed toward the source of the noise.

The Admirers found Meg standing atop a heap of…well, junk, with a flag sticking out of it. She was clad in full Enjolras gear—a crimson vest, white shirt, and black pants, the look completed by the tri-colored sash at her waist.

"Ok, who let her listen to the 10th Anniversary Concert CD again?" Rusty demanded.

Instead of answering, Meg burst into song.

"Now I pledge myself to defend this site that I have made!

Let those Raoul-haters come by the legions,

And they will be met!"

She stopped singing, and glanced at the others expectantly. "Well?"

Estella shrugged. "What the heck." She climbed onto the junk pile, donning her own Barricade Boy ensemble, and began to sing as well.

"Have faith in Raoul,

Don't let your passions fade!"

Marzoog, one of the newest members, joined in.

"Let's give those haters a song and dance

That they'll never forget!

This is where it begins!"

Lexie laughed, and climbed onto the makeshift barricade as well.

"And I'll never be afraid to fight for Raoul to be free!

Of all the dumb clichés by authors and artists

Where there is bashing, there we will be!

If those abusers dare!

Let them know, we'll be there!"

"This is great!" Kim yelled, waving her flag around wildly.

"Vive le vicomte!" Cheryl cried.

Just then, a loud voice boomed from offstage.

"You Rabid Admirers, listen to us!

You're totally alone in your fight!

You're on your own!

With no friends!

Give up your songs, or die!"

Meg turned into the direction of the voice, singing very loudly.

"Damn your bashings, damn your lies!

You will see the Raoul fans rise!

The Admirers all sang as one.

"Damn your bashings, damn your lies!

You will see the Raoul fans rise!"

A rousing cheer went up from the Admirers, while applause from a disembodied audience filled the air. The girls smiled and curtsied.

When the noise had died down, the Enjolras wannabe turned to the rest, grinning broadly.

"So guys, what do you think of having a garage sale?"

"What?" Cheryl asked, climbing down from the pile of junk. "Don't tell me that's why you assembled all this stuff?"

"Well, yeah. We have to raise money somehow."

"She speaks the truth," L'Ange de Folie remarked. "After that last fiasco with Becky L. Meadows' shower…"

"Hey," Meg defended herself, "I maintain that she flushed that toilet herself. It's not my fault she happened to also be taking a shower at the time."

Estella swatted Meg playfully on the shoulder. "So very mature, aren't you?"

"Hey, I am lots of things, but mature has never been one of them. At least not where crappy writing is concerned."

Kim made a face. "Did you forget that you're talking to the woman who thinks that bad Phan-Lit authors should be put in the stocks for us to throw things at?"

"It would beat cleaning out the refrigerator," Lexie said thoughtfully.

Danica, another new member, groaned. "Don't encourage her."

Just then, a knock sounded at the door.

Meg dived behind the junk pile…I mean, barricade. "It's the Raoul bashers! They've found us!"

Estella laughed, and went to the door. She peered out the peep hole. "No, it's not! It's Raoul!"

"The Viscount of the Opera is here, inside our minds!" the Admirers chorused.

Estella opened the door, and Raoul stepped in with a large package tucked under his arm. He was immediately surrounded by his Admirers, caught in a group hug.

"Well, this is different from the way I'm usually greeted," he commented, laughing and returning the hugs.

"How are you usually greeted?" Lexie asked, her voice somewhat muffled, as her face was buried in the back of Raoul's coat.

"Er…well, actually, I'm not usually greeted. That's the difference," Raoul replied.

"What's that?" Meg asked, pointing to the package under Raoul's arm.

"Cookies," Raoul responded with a grin. "For my favorite Admirers."

"Hey, we're your only Admirers!" Sharon exclaimed.

"Details, details." Raoul handed over the cookies, and in moments the group was sitting on the barricade, eating and talking.

"For once, it looks like we might actually have a nice, peaceful day," Estella said happily.

That was when the midi alarm went off. Everyone glared at Estella.

"Oops," the offender said.

"What's going on?" Gypsy demanded. "Raoul can't be in danger…I mean, he's right here."

"Unless one of us is…a basher in disguise!" Meg crowed. She struck an Elvis-like pose, and began to sing.

"You fool me with your stories

Who knew summaries could mislead?

It's not my fault, oh my oh me!

I'm so bored with the limits to what I read!"

"Nice Elvis impersonation," Raoul commented.

"Thank you. Thank you very much," Meg replied in her Elvis voice.

"Ok, so if Raoul's here, then why did the alarm go off?" Marzoog demanded.

"Um...I think I know," Jen, otherwise known as Phantom Panda, chimed in. She was one of the other new members, and was hanging back from the others, near the lone computer terminal.

"Yes?" Promted Lexie.

"Raoul is on trial for ruining Erik's life," Jen announced, casting a rather nervous glance at Meg.

"What?" Raoul asked. "But how--I don't understand--"

"You married Christine," Julie pointed out. "Erik loved Christine, and most Phans love Erik, so they blame you for his unhappiness."

Raoul rolled his eyes. "Let me guess. They blame me for his deformity and his death as well?"

"Where is the trial?" Meg asked, once the steam had stopped issuing from her ears.

"Not far from here," Estella replied, leaning over Jen's shoulder to look at the computer screen. "We can make it."

"Do you think we should?" Katey asked.

"As Rabid Admirers, it's our duty to fight Raoul bashing wherever we may find it," Meg stated, leaping up onto her soapbox.

"Oh," Raoul said, glancing at Meg apprehensively. "While I certainly object to this bashing, I hardly wish for you ladies to get hurt."

"Oh, don't worry," Rusty replied. "We've been involved for awhile. Anyway, the worst we Phans can do to each other is toss verbal insults. It isn't like we brawl in the streets."

La Pamplemousse looked up. "We don't?"

"Girl, you scare me," L'Ange de Folie informed her.

"What are we waiting around for?" Meg countered.

Marzoog leaped up on a chair.

"They may take our lives, but they will never take away…our VICOMTE!" she shouted.

At once, the Admirers began to sing.

"We love him, but when the show is over

Our sweetheart's gone

And we're stuck with crappy Phanfics

That misrepresent our Underrated Lover!

Without him, the show would be so boring

No suspense, no difficult decisions

And we don't care that everywhere

Others oppose our mission!

We love him

We love him

We love him

But only on our own!"

Raoul was beet-red by the time the last note drifted away. "Thank you, ladies."

"Anytime," Estella replied. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah, baby!" the others chorused.

And once again, the Admirers flew out the door to save the day for truth, justice, and fairness toward Raoul de Chagny!

(A/N: Songs parodied are "Upon these Stones-At the Barricade" from Les Miserables, "Devil in Disguise" by Elvis Presley, and "On My Own" from Les Miserables. And yes, I am fully aware of the irony in using "On My Own", given that so many hard core Erik Phans are also Eponine sympathizers. That was the whole point. ;) And the opening monologue is parodied from Xena: Warrior Princess.)