Disclaimer: The characters of GH, as well as General Hospital itself, don't belong to me.

Summary: Jason can't stop thinking about Courtney. But he made his choice. He chose business over her. Now he has to deal with it, right? Takes place after Lorenzo's yacht blew up, when Courtney had warned Jason about the police set-up. Other than that, I may have fudged a few details to my advantage.

Author's note: Okay everyone, this is my first attempt at writing a Jason POV fic, and my first attempt at writing anything in first-person so bear with me. I'm really struggling with my story Everything For You right now, so if any of you that have read it have any suggestions, I'd be more than happy to hear them. As always, reviews and suggestions are more than welcome, and more importantly, they make me smile!!

The song used is On the Way Down by Ryan Cabrera.


Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Tripping over myself, going nowhere

She warned me. How many times could she warn me and how many times could I ignore her? How many times could I turn my back and still have her come running back to warn me once again?

And why, for the life of me, did I want her; need her, to keep running back?

You chose this, that nagging, tired voice kept ringing in my head. You had every chance to have her in your life and you chose no.

I had made my choice. I couldn't be Jason Morgan, loving husband. No, I chose to be Jason Morgan, the Enforcer. Sonny's bitch, if you really wanted to be honest.

And I wasn't even very good at that. Just look at my many failed attempts at "taking care of business", if you will.

So here I am, sitting at Jake's, drinking my fifth, maybe sixth beer. I really wasn't counting. All I knew was every time I set down one empty bottle, Cassie, my waitress for the night, brought me a new, full one.

And though I'm trying my damnedest to not think about her, she's all I can think about.

I take another long swig of my beer and sigh. I'm tired, and I know I should go home, but Sam's there. And honestly, she's getting on my nerves. More and more lately, I've been wondering why I ever got myself involved in that whole situation.

It was definitely the final nail in the coffin that was my relationship with Courtney.

Or maybe that final nail was me not listening to her on the docks the other night.

Or maybe when I found her in Jax's arms, kissing him and looking at him the way she used to, the way she still, looks at me.

Okay, so maybe there were way too many nails in that coffin to count.

A shot glass appears before me on the table and I raise my eyebrows at Cassie questioningly, not remembering ordering it.

"Pretty blonde at the bar says you looked like you needed it," she said, nodding her head towards the bar. For a second my heart leaps into my throat and I wonder if it's her.

But I know better. She would never be at Jakes. And she would never order me a shot; she'd have gotten me a beer. I know this as I swing my head around, but I still feel disappointed as my eyes land on said blonde girl. She smiles at me, and I feel my own mouth curl upward in acknowledgment before I turn around again. I tell Cassie that the girl's next drink is on me, but that's it. I have no plans to go over there and talk to her.

Waiting, suffocating, no direction

And then, just like that, I need to get out of the bar. I need fresh air. I need to clear my head.

I throw a few bills down on the table, making sure to tip Cassie well, as she always treats me well when I'm here. She shouts her good-byes from over by the bar, but I barely nod as I walk out the front door.

I'm not sure what time it is, but it's late, and there aren't many people around, which is more than fine with me. The last thing I need is to run into someone I know. Someone like Carly, who would be able to tell the mood I'm in and start running her mouth.

By the time I reach the docks, I've given up on not thinking about her. I know it's beyond my control and I've resigned myself to the fact that she's on my mind tonight, and most likely in my dreams to come later.

I stuff my hands deeper into my coat pockets and continue walking down the piers. The last time I was here was the night we were finally supposed to get Faith. Courtney found me that night. Told me it was a set-up. Begged me, pleaded with me not to do anything stupid. I was sure if she had had anything heavy with her, she'd have knocked me out again, but this time was different.

This time when I told her to stay out of my business and leave, everything changed.

The love that always shone so bright in her eyes had dimmed. She had finally accepted that I was never going to give up this life for her.

And she walked away.

I took a dive and

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Okay, so I hadn't gotten Faith that night. And Courtney had been right about the set-up. And maybe, just maybe, had I gotten the chance, I wouldn't have killed Faith.

Would I have?

One part of me screams yes. Yes, I would have killed Faith. But only because Sonny gave an order and everyone knows I do whatever Sonny says. That's my job, and don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. God knows I love my job. I'd have to, to give up everything I've given up.

Then there's that second part of me, the one that's been nagging me all damn night.

That stupid part of me that knows damn well I wouldn't have killed Faith because I wouldn't have been able to ever look Courtney in the eyes ever again.

Damn it. I leaned heavily against a lamppost and rubbed my eyes. The alcohol was starting to take effect and I was getting more emotional than I liked.

I made my choice. I made my choice. No matter how many times I repeated my mantra, it gave me no piece of mind. I tried to clear my head, tried to reason with myself.

I had my reasons. I had every reason to choose my job over Courtney. It's who I am. It's who I worked so hard to become. I couldn't throw that all away, especially not for a woman. I had tried that before, and what had it accomplished?

With Robin, it was supposed to work. Instead, she got angry, told AJ about Michael and skipped town.

And with Liz, well, she was never really over Lucky in the first place, and maybe we were together out of convenience, but in any case, that still didn't work out in my favor.

So to me, my hesitation to give up my life for Courtney was well-founded by me, but I could understand why she didn't agree with me. But why give up everything I had worked so hard for, for something so fragile as our relationship. Because, be honest Morgan, that voice screamed in my head, you and Courtney were never rock strong.

Been wondering why it's only me
Have you always been inside waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face

Maybe we weren't, I argued with the voice. But I never really gave us the chance to be. Maybe if I hadn't been so stubborn, the one trait I kept from Jason Quartermaine, I'd have been able to listen to Courtney and give us a real shot at being together.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

That's all I had now. That was abundantly clear after what I saw yesterday. I had gone over to her loft. Why? I'm not sure why. To thank her for saving my life once again? To see how she was doing? To tell her I missed her? It didn't matter why I was there. I got off of the elevator and saw her in his arms. Kissing him as though she actually cared about him.

And then it was my turn to walk away.

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

So now here I am, left alone with my choice. My decision. And I should be happy for her, right? I should be happy that she's happy because I've sworn up and down to her that all I've ever wanted for her was to be happy.

Of course, I never expected her to be happy without me.

I'm an idiot. I realize this, as I continue walking down the pier. That girl loved me more than I could ever have asked or expected her to. She put her own life on the line so too many times for me to count, and I couldn't even do the one thing she asked of me.

Okay, so I was a selfish idiot.

But I did the right thing; I tried to tell myself. I gave her up to save her. You gave her up to save yourself, the voice inside points out and I hate it even more now, because it's right. When I was with Courtney, I became more human than I could ever remember being. I let myself feel emotions. I let myself be real.

And that all got in the way of my job.

I was so afraid of going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, nothing

Was it so bad to be real? Why couldn't I find that happy medium between work and love? Carly and Sonny had done it. Hell, even Alan and Monica seemed to make it work. Was I that much weaker than I thought? Did I not love Courtney enough?

Of course I loved Courtney. I loved her too much.

I realize my thoughts are in past tense, and it makes me angry. I don't know when I started thinking in past tense and I hate that I think that way.

You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

I close my eyes again, and all I can see is her kissing Jax. I don't want to see that. I don't want to be that person. The one that only wants what he can't have. That's not who I am, and Courtney deserves better than that.

You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

This time, when I close my eyes, I see her the first time we met, the first time we kissed, our wedding day. And then I blink and I see her when we lost the baby, when she knocked me unconscious, when we signed our divorce papers.

And God, I want her more than ever.

I need her more than ever.

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

But now it's not about me. Because there's Sam and her baby, and the promise I made to them, and to Sonny. And then there's Courtney, and she's finally moved on and what right do I have to jump in and destroy her life again?

Because that's what I do to her.

I destroy her.

And even if she took me back, would I be able to leave everything behind for her finally?

Would she even take me back?

I hear footsteps behind me. They're slight, and an untrained ear wouldn't be able to hear them, but I do. I hear the hesitation in their step as I'm spotted, and the sharp intake of breath as they continue towards me.

I close my eyes for a second, telling myself it's not her, not wanting to turn around and being faced with disappointment for the second time that night. I can't handle the disappointment anymore, and besides, even if it is her, what would I say?

Would I ask for a second chance?

Slowly, I turn around, and it's her. She's standing there, the slight breeze whipping her blonde hair around her shoulders. My first instinct is to scold her. She shouldn't be out on the docks in the middle of the night by herself.

My second instinct is to grab her in my arms and make her all the promises she wants to hear.

We stare at each other for a long moment, unsure of what to say, or who should even speak first. And the longer we stand there, the more nervous I get, because I don't know what I'm going to do, and finally I take a deep breath and make the first move.

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

God, it feels good to have her in my arms again. It feels even better after her initial shock wears off and she relaxes against me, allowing herself to let her guard down.

We're both a little scared now, and not sure what to do next, but I've gotten this far, I may as well keep going.

"I love you," I murmur against the top of her head. I'm afraid she hasn't heard me, but then I feel her lips saying the same against my neck and I smile.

I pull away slightly from her, and see that her eyes are closed, as if she's too scared to open them. Too scared that maybe I'm just drunk and don't mean what I say.

I need to reassure her.

Tilting her chin up, I press my lips against hers and I'm not going to lie. It's the best feeling I've ever had in my entire life and I know I can't let her go ever again. It's up to me to make this work, and I'm going to do whatever it takes.

But I held on to you...


Author's Note Hmm. Okay, well, what do we all think? I really don't think I've captured Jason all that well, but it's also almost 4:30 in the morning, so maybe I should sleep before posting this, but no. Instead, I'm going to post it as is, and if anyone has any suggestions, or flat out hates it, please, don't be afraid to let me know! Nicole