The Dog-Stew College Fiasco

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: I don't own Excel Saga. I cry now. Just kidding! I don't think I'd want to be Koshi Rikdo! He got stabbed by Excel twice, you know!

Author's Notes: On the first day of college, I was sitting in my history class bored as the teacher had yet to show up and I started writing. That was at 11:00 in the morning. I wrote on and off throughout the day, and this is what was produced! Tada!! I got my inspiration back!! Enjoy! This is alternate universe, and contains Excel x Ilpalazzo, Hyatt x Watanabe, some small amounts of Misaki x Iwata, and trace amounts of Yeti fur. I know there are some things wrong about this, like the fact that most Japanese students don't go to college, but oh well. DEAL WITH IT!! Oh, and sorry I made Hyatt fall asleep constantly instead of die constantly, but it was easier for me to write her with a sleeping problem than with a dieing problem. Normal people wouldn't take a mostly dead Hyatt too well. oO

Chapter One: The Fateful Meeting

"Hatchan! Hey Hatchan! I swear this girl sleeps like she's dead or something. HATCHAN! HATCHAN!! PAGING HYATT AYASUGI!! IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP!!"

With a delicate yawn, Hyatt opened her brown eyes to see Excel Excel, her best friend since grade school, standing over her with a bucket of water, ready and willing to pour it onto her.

"Oh, is it morning already?" she asked. Excel put the bucket down and sat down beside Hyatt.

"Yeah it is, Hatchan, but it's not just ANY morning! It's the first morning of the rest of our lives! Our first morning as free adults! It's...the first morning after our high school graduation!!"

"Good morning!" greeted the blonde-haired Minako Excel, Excel's mother, as her daughter entered the kitchen, followed by Hyatt.

"Morning mom! What's for breakfast?" Excel asked as she plopped into a chair. Hyatt smiled and bowed politely to Mrs. Excel before taking a seat.

"I cooked pancakes for my big High School graduates!" Mrs. Excel exclaimed.

"Yaay!" Excel cheered.

"Thank you for allowing me to sleep over at your house and partake in this wonderful meal, Mrs. Excel." Hyatt replied.

"Hyatt, how many times have I told you, you can call me Minako! Or even Mom! How many years have you and my Excel been best friends?" she replied, setting down a plate of pancakes in front of the two girls. As Excel busily inhaled 8/9 of the stack of pancakes, Hyatt delicately ate one pancake and proclaimed herself full.

"So, girls, are you going college hunting today?" Minako asked them.

"Mrmph phmph grmpham phf!" Excel answered.

"Yes, we," Hyatt answered carefully.

"Where are you two thinking of going?" she asked.

"Oh, well we were going to check out the local colleges first. Like Neko no Tama (Ball of Cats) or Tori no Hi (Flaming Bird)..."

"Why not Inunabe (Dog Stew)?" Minako asked.

"Well..." Hyatt began, but Excel interceded.

"Prphmph grmph fmph!!!" she exclaimed, pausing to swallow the five pancakes she had just shoved in her mouth. "No way! Not Inunabe!"

"But why not, honey? It's cheap, it's a good school, it's close to home--" Minako began.

"But we went to Inunabe High School! I don't want to go to Inunabe College!"

"It's a family tradition! Your grandmother went to Inunabe and met your grandfather there, then I went to Inunabe and met your father--"

"Yeah, what a catch," Excel muttered, unheard by Minako.

"--and so you should go there and maybe you'll meet your future husband!"

"Screw family tradition! I won't do it!" Excel shouted. Flames suddenly surrounded Minako, her hair stood on end, her eyes glowed red, and a gigantically huge sledgehammer appeared in her hands. She towered over the now cowering Excel.


"Yes ma'am!" Excel squeaked.

"Oh my..." Hyatt said, and then promptly fell out of her chair, asleep. Minako's flaming aura and sledgehammer disappeared leaving a smiling, demure, pleasant woman.

"Good." she replied.

"Uh oh, Hatchan's asleep again," Excel said, taking a deep breath.


Excel grumbled.

"Stupid mom, makin' us come here like this," she said. Hyatt strolled along a few steps behind her, yawning.

"I mean, there's absolutely no point to this. There is no way I'll ever come here!" she exclaimed. Just as she said that, her feet caught on something and she found herself planted face-first in the dirt.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Are you all right?" an angelic sounding man's voice asked. Her skin tingled as a pair of hands lifted her face out of the indention it had made in the ground and sat her up.

"Yeah..." she started, but trailed off when she saw the man face-to-face. He had long,

silky-looking silver hair that fell down past his shoulders and framed his beautiful face. His eyes were gorgeous, yellow and catlike, the kind that could pierce your soul or set you ablaze with passion (the latter of which they were doing to Excel at that very moment), which were filled with concern now. A pair of small, circular glasses were sitting just low enough on his nose to make Excel's heart nearly explode it was fluttering so much, and she thought that at any moment a butterfly in her stomach might turn renegade and fly up her throat, thus choking her to death. But dying was NOT an option for Excel Excel at this moment, because then she would be deprived of seeing this young man's glorious face!

"That was an awfully long description, Miss Authoress. I think all of the readers out there just lost interest," Hyatt pointed out.

"Nah. Now no more references to the Fourth Wall," ArtikGato replied.

"I really am very sorry. I didn't mean to trip you like that. I wasn't watching where I was going." the man replied.

"That's okay!" Excel replied, her face a very unnatural shade of dark pink at the moment. "I mean, getting tripped--accidentally or on purpose--really sucks but it's not so bad 'cause I got tripped by someone as handsome as you!" she slapped her hands over her mouth and promptly turned vague shades of tomato. "I mean--"

The man laughed warmly, a laugh that sent chills up Excel's spine.

"That's okay. It's nice to get a compliment from a pretty girl once in a while," he replied. Excel proceeded to turn redder than humanly possible. He stood up, offering her a hand up. "I'm Ilpalazzo. But everybody calls me Ilpala,"

Excel took one look at his hand and eagerly took it, delighting in the strange tingle she felt.

"I'm Excel!" she replied, as he pulled her up. "So, Ilpala, do you go to school here?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. I'll be a senior in the fall," he replied. "And you?"

"Me? Oh, uh..."

A little window that only Excel could see popped up beside her. It read:

1) Tell the truth

2) Lie

3) Put it in

"Me? Oh, I'm going here too. I'll be a freshman!" Excel lied.

"Hey! That's only a half-lie! I AM going here...maybe!" Excel exclaimed to the Fourth Wall.

"I said no more references to the Fourth Wall!" ArtikGato yelled. "Now you may continue."

"Oh? That's good. I guess I'll see you around then. Goodbye!" Ilpalazzo said, and walked off, waving. As soon as he wasn't looking, Excel stopped waving and watched his backside as he walked off. She promptly fell over due to a sudden weakness in the knees and all of the water in her body became a puddle of drool on the ground.

"Oh wow oh wow OH WOW!! Hatchan, did you see that guy?! Hatchan?" Excel asked, and turned to find Hyatt asleep on the grass, with a swarm of concerned people around her, poking her and/or making sure she was alive. Excel smacked herself on the forehead and stomped over.