A/N: A sort of 'fanon Hogwarts' meets 'canon Hogwarts' fic. Just because we all know what goes on in 'fanon Hogwarts'...
Disclaimer: I don't own Spider-man. ...what? I don't!
Minerva McGonagall sighed. She took a moment to look longingly out her office window. It was a beautiful day out. She scowled to see Professors Sprout and Sinistra lounging out by the lake, whatever they happened to be working on spread out around them and ignored as they laughed in the sunlight. She wished with all her heart that she could tell herself she wasn't out there with them because she had real work to do.
Hah. Real work. This wasn't real work. This was rubbish. The fact that it had to be done at all made the color leave her face and her lips form a thin line.
She stared down at the parchment in front of her. So far printed at the top in neat letters was written: Regulations for Students' Use of Free Time.
It had taken her at least an hour to get that far, and that was really pushing her creativity. Silently she cursed Albus Dumbledore, whom up until this point had been a very good friend of hers. He had saved her life a few times, sure, but in her opinion this was asking just a little too much in return.
Bitterly, she remembered when he had called her to his office:
"Minerva! How good to see you! And what a lovely tan, France really suited you."
"Yes," McGonagall agreed good naturedly, "It had been too long since I spent some time lying around on a real beach."
Dumbledore chuckled, "I highly doubt you were idle, you're always such a busy bee..."
"Well... I did manage to set up two years of curriculum for the incoming first years. I have some new methods I want to—"
"Splendid, splendid," said Dumbledore. "I'm glad to hear it. I'm afraid I called you here for more than just a chat..."
"As always, Albus," she replied, already getting a sense of foreboding.
"You," the headmaster began, "as the rest of the staff have, I'm sure, have noticed that, er... well..."
"The students in recent years have become a little too... friendly with each other."
McGonagall eyed him stoically. Of course she'd noticed. It would be bloody near impossible not to. She remembered with a brief flash of horror the time she had walked into her supposedly empty classroom one evening only to discover that it wasn't so empty after all.
"Yes," she said at last, rather weakly.
Dumbledore watched her calmly. "I think it would be best if we set up some sort of... well, rules to prevent such occurrences of continuing."
McGonagall, her mood rather spoiled, said flatly, "So you want me to tell the students they're not allowed to have sex in school?"
"Er, yes. Not necessarily in so many words... perhaps you could make a list of boundaries..."
She groaned and muttered, "Why me?"
"Well," Dumbledore replied, "At first I had asked Severus to do it, but the man turned quite pale at the mention of it and requested I ask some one else."
And so on and so on, until she'd ended up here, Regulations for Students' Use of Free Time glaring up at her.
This wouldn't have been necessary back in her day. Children behaved properly back then, they courted each other properly. Not that she wasn't familiar with the more interesting aspects of the astronomy tower...
She put her quill down and blinked. No, Hogwarts had always been the way it was. There was just no changing it, no matter what rules she happened to set up. This whole project would do about as much good as telling the Weasley twins to "please not play another prank again, thank you."
Frown firmly set in place; she began writing- images of French beaches and 'this one time in fifth year' flashing through her head...
Harry found himself grinning stupidly the entire walk down to the Great Hall. It was the first day back from summer break, one of his favorite days of the year. Especially this year since he'd noticed that Hermione had become extremely tall, tan, and blonde over the summer. The entire school was buzzing with the excitement at finally being back, at the prospect of new classes, new adventures, and new people to, er, meet.
"Harry!" he heard Ron call the moment he reached his destination. His grin grew wider, and he moved over to where his best friend sat.
"You've got to see this, Harry!" Ron was saying, quite hysterical, "It's bloody ridiculous!"
"What is?" Harry asked with a frown. He wondered if Quidditch had been cancelled for some vaguely implausible reason. Again.
Hermione sat down beside him, lugging a large bag full of books as usual. "Whatever it is, it has Malfoy in tears." Harry's eyes widened as they searched the Slytherin table. They fell immediately on the normally self-composed Draco Malfoy, who was now curled up in a fetal position and bawling his eyes out.
Ron shook his head angrily and thrust a slightly crumpled parchment at the two of them. They leant in to read the notice which written in the shining green ink of all official Hogwarts documents...
Regulations for Use of Students' Free Time
1. The astronomy tower is henceforth off limits for any use besides lessons. Besides this being a general rule, there is now a three-headed dog placed in front of the only entrance.
(NOTE, HP, RW, and HG: There is a soundproof barrier around said three-headed dog.)
2. All empty classrooms are henceforth off limits to EVERYONE for ANY REASON. And that goes for needing to go back to said classroom because you happened to "leave something behind."
3. Random shadowy corridors will henceforth be patrolled 24/7 by castle ghosts or staff.
4. The prefect bathroom is henceforth off limits.
5. Harry Potter is henceforth not permitted to come in contact with anyone female or Draco Malfoy.
6. Hermione Granger is henceforth not permitted to come in contact with any male members of the Hogwarts staff.
7. Draco Malfoy is henceforth not permitted to come in contact with anyone.
8. All broom closets are henceforth off limits to anyone who isn't Filch.
9. Only one student is henceforth permitted to be on any bed/couch/chair at a time.
(NOTE: Any second or third persons on said bed/couch/chair will be magically and immediately thrown off.)
10. Quite frankly, shagging is henceforth forever banned from Hogwarts. Less involved relations are permitted, but only in private and at the consent of both parties involved. It also may not take place in any of the previously banned areas of the castle.
Female students are reminded not to walk the corridors alone at night, and Draco Malfoy is reminded to please keep his hands to himself.
Minerva McGonagall sighed. She surveyed the Great Hall, more importantly everyone who occupied it. There was general uproar and hysteria all around. She merely sat and watched, stoic as ever.
Here's to 'this one time in fifth year', she thought, her mind drifting rather longingly to a cupboard in her rooms where she kept a large bottle of wine locked safely away.
Across the hall Draco Malfoy could be heard wailing.
May it live on in memory and fanfiction alone.