The WORST FANFIC I EVER WROTE EVER I MEAN IT EVER
by J. Random Lurker
(BECAUSE I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR OMG!!)
"This is NOT funny, Zim! It's not funny at all!"
'Twas Christmas, and all through Zim's base, not a creature was stirring, especially not Dib (who'd just come down the chimney head-first and was currently wriggling feebly in a complicated snarl of christmas lights, tinsel, and red ribbon). Outside the base, snow wafted gently to Earth, and looked picture-postcard-perfect for the three seconds it was allowed to rest undisturbed before being ground into a hideously dirty slush.
X-mas tunes tootled gently in the background over the Irken computer's loudspeakers, a happy reminder of Zim's first X-mas on Earth: a rather satisfying little affair, for it featured Dib being beaten to a bloody pulp and nearly crucified. Every year Zim made sure to put a picture of it on his X-mas cards to all the other children. "Wishes of DOOM this holiday season!" they read, and were a huge hit amongst Dib's classmates.
"It is TOO funny!" the Irken in his cheerful red garb and green skin (how festive!) giggled. "Now I just put a STAR on your pointy little head!" He did so, attaching a gold star with a bizarre alien clamp to the forwardmost tip of Dib's rigid black-hair scythe, then stood back in amusement to survey the scene.
Dib as the 'tree', 'fireplace' merrily roasting (well, that was actually the wall burning from where Zim had fired a tremendous laser at the Dib when he came down through the vent), happy music tootling...Gir drooling on himself curled up asleep at Dib's tied feet... There was just ONE thing missing.
"Where're my presents?" Zim reached out toward Dib expectantly.
"WHAT?" shrieked the human. "I don't have PRESENTS for you! I don't even LIKE you!"
Zim blinked. "You came down my chimney! It's X-mas! Therefore you owe me PRESENTS! Is it not your human RULE on this filthy Earth holiday?"
Dib stared at Zim incomprehensibly. "You seriously expect me to GIVE you something for beating me up and making me be a CHRISTMAS TREE?"
Zim wibbled at his mortal nemesis. "But it's X-maaaas." he whined.
"Yeah, well, X-mas is ALSO supposed to be a time when you FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES and do NICE THINGS FOR THEM!"
The Irken blinked again. " This IS nice! Look! Everything is HERE! The jolly horrible SINGING! Does it not make you feel your heart SWELL with affectionate bile? The DOG in a pile of his own FILTH! The little ELF THINGS! ... Okay, those are my robot GNOMES guarding YOU, but ... The FIRE! and the.. eh.. " He reached into a bag that dropped from the ceiling onto the floor next to him, "... REALLY OLD KINDA FUZZY GRANDMOTHER CANDY IN A DISH! ON A TABLE!" The table appeared out of the floor; Zim dropped the candy with a THUD that sounded like an anvil striking another anvil. "There's WONDERFUL WHITE SICKENING SNOW outside! If it gets any more FESTIVE in here, we'll end up opening a portal DIRECTLY TO SANTA'S INESCAPABLE YULETIDE LABYRINTH! NOW, Dib, give me PRESENTS or I'll have to start TRIMMING THE TREE which is to say REMOVE YOUR LIMBS AND START BEATING YOU WITH THEM!"
Dib's eyes grew huge as two shiny glass decorative balls. "Gah, geez! Uhm... I have... some lint? and a stick of gum I think..." He was searching his pockets with the one hand he had sort of free to move. "Oh, hey, and a turkey... How long has THAT been in there...?"
"Gimme!" Away toward the Dib Zim flew in a flash, and collected up all of the human's weird stash. "Eh...I GUESS this'll do."
Dib rustled about, red as Santa's legendary jolly fat face. "Don't I get any presents?"
"Huh? Oh... ehhh, why not." Zim turned about, grabbing the porcelain piggy bank that sat on top of the empty bookshelf next to the television. It was a truly tasteless shade of pink, overglazed and with crossed piggy eyes. This Zim presented solemnly to Dib, stone-faced, mumbling quickly, "heresyerxmaspresentyoustinkinghumanweasil."
Somewhere in the sky, above in the magic X-mas night, a fat man on a sled laughed merrily . .. and was sucked into the jet intake of a 767.
...the end ...