Snow and the Seven Environmentalists
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Disney, and am not writing this story for money. I hold nothing against environmentalists and people who love Disney movies, though I do harbor a grudge against extreme political correctness. This story was written for fun, and is not intended to offend.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a little girl by the name of Snow. Snow was fairer than the flowers in spring, lighter than a bird in flight, and skinnier than an anorexic monkey. She had a squeaky high-pitched voice reminiscent of Mickey Mouse, and, when singing, was able to shatter glass at a distance of fifty yards. She was kind and gentle, sweet and pure, and also a VEGETARIAN.
When Snow was born, her mother wanted to call her 'Snow-White' because it was, to quote the mother, 'such a charming, classical name'. However, the father put his foot down.
"That's not POLITICALLY CORRECT," he said. "Above all, this story must be politically correct."
"All right," said the mother. "We'll drop the word 'white' and keep 'Snow'. Ok?"
The father was about to protest when Snow's mother pointed something out.
"If you make all the decisions in this household, then the story would be SEXIST," she said. "So I win. Ha."
Unfortunately, the mother did not have long to live. She, like all Disney mothers, was doomed to DIE from the start. Even as she lay gasping on her deathbed, she called her darling Snow to her, and gave her these words of wisdom:
"My dearest child, you must avoid eating apples, because they are often poisoned and step-mothers, because they are often evil. When I am dead, many bad things may happen to you, but you must face them all with a smile and a song. If you're lucky, you'll manage to find a talking animal to help you get through life without me. Do you understand?"
Snow nodded tearfully, wondering why her mother had told her not to eat step-mothers.
Snow's mother breathed her LAST and died.
At that moment, bad things started happening. First of all, her father, who had always been a fickle man, married another woman who was almost as beautiful as the beauteous Snow. Then, he too, conveniently died, leaving all his possessions to the step-mother. The step-mother (surprise, surprise) was EVIL.
Fortunately, Snow, so meek and mild, was hardly an objectionable person, but her step-mother found fault with everything she did. Snow decided to suffer meekly through it all, because she was so NICE.
"Wash the floor," said the step-mother. "Microwave dinner. Wash the dishes. Dust the lampshades. Work, work, work."
Snow tried to face everything with a smile and a song, but her evil step-mother hated her singing voice.
"You sound like a fire alarm!" shrieked the step-mother. "Be quiet this instant!"
So Snow had to whistle to herself as she worked. She did everything very quickly, and through all her sufferings, she stayed CUTE and LOVABLE.
One day, Snow met her first talking animal. It was a very large rat.
Snow was not afraid. She was a very brave girl.
"I am a talking animal," said the rat.
"Like Mickey Mouse?" asked Snow.
"No, I'm a rat," said the rat proudly.
"All rats should be humanely annihilated," Snow sniffed, waving her duster.
The rat got mean. "Listen, kiddo, I'm smarter than you are. I'm also an animal, and we all know that animals are people too."
"That doesn't make sense," said Snow.
"Maybe not, but it's a good philosophy," said the rat. "And anyway, you've got to be careful. If you've got such a vendetta against rats, you might get turned into one to teach you a lesson. Sister Rat. Sounds nifty."
"Is that a tattoo?" asked Snow, changing the SUBJECT.
"It's rude to point, you nasty girl," said the rat. "And yes, it is a tattoo."
"This is Disney," said Snow. "You can't have a tattoo."
"I am here to grant three wishes," said the rat.
"Whoa. What a non sequitur," commented Snow.
"Do you want the three wishes or not?" demanded the rat.
"Sure. Three wishes sound good," said Snow. "Thanks."
"What's your first wish?" asked the rat.
"I wish that my evil step-mother was dead," said Snow.
The rat looked surprised. "Heroines in Disney movies don't often ask for that," he said.
"Why not? It sounds like a smart wish to me," Snow said.
"If I'm not allowed a tattoo, then you're not allowed to kill your step-mother," said the rat.
Snow sighed. "Then how am I meant to overcome all my problems in life?"
"Follow your heart," said the rat.
"Huh?" Snow was confused.
"That's how everyone else gets their problems solved," said the rat. "It might work for you."
"That sounds like an interesting idea," said Snow. "Very well. I will follow my heart and become an environmentalist."
"Great! That's the spirit," said the rat. He disappeared in a poof of PURPLE SMOKE.
Snow wondered if you could have poofs of purple smoke. She had always thought it was a 'puff' of purple smoke. "My life is so weird," she said to herself. Then she burst into a lengthy song about following dreams, and believing in your heart, and becoming an ENVIRONMENTALIST. She sang in her high-pitched trembling voice as she skipped cheerfully about the house, neglecting her work.
"You're driving me crazy!" yelled the evil step-mother. "Work, slave!"
"I'm not a slave," Snow yelled back. "I'm an enslaved person, and I'm leaving to become an environmentalist!"
"Ha. You'll never become an environmentalist," said the evil step-mother, "because I'm going to send out someone to kill you so I can eat your heart!"
"That's just sick!" said Snow. "I'm going now, and I'll never come back." She pranced out the door and into the thick woods that were right outside the house.
As she was meandering through the forest, she bumped into a deer with HUGE BIG EYES.
"Are you a talking animal?" she asked.
"No," said the animal. "I'm Bambi. Technically I'm not supposed to talk to humans, because technically you shouldn't be able to understand me."
"That's strange," said Snow. "My name is Snow."
"You're a bad-guy," said Bambi.
"Because humans are always shooting deer."
"I don't shoot deer," said Snow. "I'm one with nature. I am vegetarian."
"Vegetarians are bad too," said Bambi, "they eat all the animals' food."
"I never thought of it that way," said Snow.
Bambi looked at her with his HUGE BIG EYES. "When I find the murderers who got my mother, I'm going to say, 'I am Bambi the Cute Little Deer. You killed my mother. Prepare to die'."
"Oh," said Snow faintly.
"Just thought I'd tell you," said Bambi.
Snow hurried away, feeling shocked. Then she came to a HOUSE. It was made out of all organic materials.
"This must be the house belonging to the environmentalists," said Snow to herself. She went inside.
The house was empty. It was also dirty. Snow tided it up, because she was slightly obsessive compulsive. Then she went to BED.
A few minutes later, she woke up with seven environmentalists standing over the bed glaring at her. She shrieked in alarm.
"Don't be afraid, pretty maiden," leered one of the men. "We're nice."
"I'm Dopey," said one environmentalist. "Except that's not really politically correct anymore. So call me Mentally Challenged. "
"I'm Grumpy," growled the next environmentalist. "But you can call me Emotionally Challenged."
"I'm Happy," grinned the third environmentalist. "But you can call me Sadness Deprived."
"I'm Sneezy," said the fourth environmentalist, blowing his nose. "But you can call me Health Challenged."
"I'm Doc," said the fifth environmentalist. "But I prefer to be referred to as 'Doctor'."
"I'm Sleepy," said the sixth environmentalist, yawning. "You can call me Sleep Deprived."
"I'm Bashful," said the seventh, blushing. "You can call me anything you like."
"Wow, that's hard to remember," said Snow.
"We're challenged!" they chorused. "We're deprived!"
"You're scary," said Snow. "I'm too nice to live with seven men."
"Don't worry," said Sleep Deprived kindly. "We have to go out to hug trees now."
"Yeah," agreed Health Challenged. "But first I have to take my allergy pills." He went off.
"Well," said Snow, "thanks for lending me your bed. I'd better be going."
Snow scampered out the environmentalists' house AS QUICKLY AS SHE COULD. "I followed my heart," she said sadly, "but my dreams did not come true. Therefore, the rat is a LIAR."
She felt depressed.
Just then, she met a little wooden man who was walking through the forest as well. "Hello," she said politely, in her shrill and charming voice. "My name is Snow."
"Cool," said the little wooden man. "My name is William."
To Snow's surprise, the man's nose suddenly grew a lot LONGER. She was surprised because the nose poked her squarely in the EYE.
The man stamped his foot. "I hate my name!" he yelled. "I have the weirdest name in the world!"
"What's your real name then?" asked Snow, rubbing her black eye.
"Pinocchio," growled the wooden man.
"Oh," said Snow. "That is pretty awful."
"I know," said Pinocchio. "She said to wish upon a star! She said that I could become a real boy! She didn't mention that I was going to get GNAWED APART BY COCKROACHES!!!"
"I've been trying to follow my heart," said Snow. "But it isn't working. I tried to become an environmentalist, but they were all challenged and depraved."
"Do you mean deprived?" asked Pinocchio.
"I always follow my nose," said the wooden man, "since it's quite a distance in front of me most of the time."
"I don't think I'll do that," said Snow.
Suddenly a strange man came around the bend. He had a monkey on his shoulder. He looked MEAN.
"Apple?" he asked, sticking one in Snow's face.
"No," said Snow. "It's poisoned. That's what mother said."
The man rolled his eyes heavenwards. "What is it with girls and poisoned apples? I am surrounded by paranoid people!"
He tramped off, still grumbling to HIMSELF. "Here I am offering people apples out of the goodness of my heart, and they all say, 'Oh dearie me, it's poisoned! Barbossa's trying to kill me again! Oh dearie me!' No one believes me! Curse you, apples! Curse you!"
Snow and Pinocchio watched him leave.
"I'll try wishing upon a star," said Snow cheerfully. "My life is getting so strange."
"You know, what you need is a charming prince," said Pinocchio. "That's the way a heroine's problems are always solved. Some hot guy just drops by and makes everything all right again. It's harder on us men. We have to slaughter our enemies, or something dangerous like that."
"You aren't really a man," said Snow thoughtlessly. "You're more of a little wooden boy."
Pinocchio said something un-Disney-ish and stomped off. Snow continued to WANDER. As she was wandering, she met a handsome, drunk, dangerous man. "Hi ya!" she said brightly.
"This doesn't look like the Ocean of Fire," said the man, scratching his head. He saw Snow. "Howdy, ma'am."
"You must be a cowboy," said Snow.
The man suddenly began looking RESENTFUL. "I am a Sioux!" he yelled.
"Sorry," squealed Snow in terror. "I didn't know!"
"Anyway, you weren't politically correct just then," said the man. "It's 'cowperson', not 'cowboy'."
"That's really weird," said Snow.
"Where's the Ocean of Fire?" asked the man. "I seem to have lost my horse."
"I have no clue," said Snow. "But you're making me nervous." She left.
Snow was beginning to feel LONELY. She kicked a rock gloomily. "I wish someone would help me," she said.
The rat appeared in a poof of purple smoke.
"Stop POOFING!" screamed Snow. "It's driving me crazy! Puffs of purple smoke! Puffs! Not poofs!"
"I like poofing," said the rat.
"Have it your way," snarled Snow. "Poof all you like."
"Why, thank you," said the rat. "I found your glass slipper lying in the hallway after you left, and I thought you would like it back."
"How did you know it was mine?" asked Snow.
"You wrote your name in it," said the rat. He pulled the shoe out of a poof of BLUE SMOKE. "Here."
Snow took the shoe and put it back on. "Thanks, rat," she said.
"My name is Roderick," said the rat.
There was an AWKWARD SILENCE in which Snow realized she was in love. "I love you, Roderick," she said.
"What?" squeaked Roderick.
Snow picked him up.
"No! Don't kiss me!"
Snow KISSED RODERICK.
"I told you not to do that," said Roderick a moment later.
"I am rat!" screamed Snow. "I have a tail! I LOOK UGLY!!!"
"You look very pretty," said Roderick. "Will you marry me?"
"Sure," said Snow, "if you get that horrid tattoo erased."
And they both lived happily ever after.