A/N: Okay, here's another Sirius story. These are just some of the thoughts running through his mind the night of Lily and James' wedding.
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Disclaimer: Everyone and everything here belogns to J.K. Rowling. It's just my interpretation.
I watched her walk down the aisle, in the most gorgeous wedding dress that I had ever seen anybody wear and my heart seriously stopped. Just looking at her made me want to cry tears of happiness. For both of them.
I can't say I wasn't jealous. Lily and James had that sort of relationship that everybody wanted but nobody could ever hold on to. Their love for each other grew with each day and they continually showed signs of an early couple falling in love. They weren't much for public display of affection but the looks they gave each other in public were enough to let everybody know they were indeed in love. I, personally, have only seen them kiss a few times since the day they had gotten together, which was over three years ago. But they needed not a kiss to remind them of who they were. And they were truly inseparable. He could barely go out the door without knowing that she would be safe and sound somewhere. And she couldn't even walk down to the store on the corner without calling him to make sure he was still there. It wasn't that they were overprotective of each other. No, it was simply that they were in love. The kind of love that I knew I would never find. The kind of love that everybody wanted but no one could ever find. Well, they found it and I knew that they would keep it forever.
Being up there at the front of the church with them both as James' best man was harder than it looked. I tried looking happy but it was extremely difficult. The frown on my face just proved how unhappy I was with my own life. Watching James and Lily get married just reminded me how far I was from finding a perfect bride. Everyone, including myself, thought I was set on drifting from girl to girl but watching James' and Lily's relationship grow just made me want what they had. I'll admit it, I was truly envious.
I can't remember anything about that night except for the way that Lily and James looked longingly into each other's eyes. The whole ceremony went on around me as I stood there, deep in thought, wondering when it was time for me to grow up. I never wanted to get married before and now…well, let's just say that sleeping around wasn't exactly fulfilling any longer. I wanted something more stable, something that Lily and James had.
Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for them. I don't know anyone more who deserves such devotion to each other than those two, but it still makes me wonder what I was really missing out on. The beginning of their relationship started off rocky and, even though I never told them this, I was secretly hoping it would fail. James was my best friend…is my best friend. He always will be. He's always been there for me when I needed him and there was never a time where we weren't laughing when we were together. He and I were practically inseparable; we did everything together. I thought that was the way it always would be. Unfortunately, when Lily walked into the picture, it seemed he had less and less time for me than he used to. I was still happy for him, grateful that he was able to settle down with someone, and I was even happy for her. But as great as Remus and Peter are, they're not James. And I missed him.
I witnessed Lily and James' first kiss and all I could was watch as his hands ran through her hair and she wrapped her arms around his neck. All I could do was stare blankly at them, feeling simply emotionless. I didn't know what to think or even how to feel. How could I possible react to something like that? They had looked almost perfect together, as if they had kissed in dark corners all of their lives. They were the experts and I was just on the outside, feeling lower than ever. I felt betrayed and I wasn't sure why.
I can remember the conversation in our dorm room later that night as if it were yesterday. James flew into the room, practically smashing the door into the wall as he literally pranced around the room. I swear I thought he was going to kiss one of us next.
"Um…I know it's hard to tell, but is Prongs excited?" Remus first spoke up sarcastically to Peter and I, chuckling humorously with Peter alongside him.
James leapt over to him and gave him a huge Cheshire Cat grin. "Oh I'm more than that, my dear Loony Mupin…I mean, Lemus Rupin—ARGH! You know what I mean."
"Hmm…dancing around gaily…stumbling over easy words…not even bothered that he just missed a prefect meeting…Oh my God, Lily finally agreed to go out with you didn't she!?" Remus said, letting out a joyous gasp.
James shook his head but sighed adoringly. "Even better. We kissed."
Remus and Peter's mouths dropped open and they were both absolutely speechless. Yes, indeed the day had come where Lily did not push James Potter away. Instead, she let her emotions get the best of her and she finally gave in.
And all I did was sit off to the side reading my Charms book wishing that things could go back to the way they used to be.
I know I was being selfish. Hell, I even knew that I was hardly happy for James even though it was quite obvious that Remus and Peter were ecstatic. But I couldn't help but think that that day was going to be the downfall of James' and my friendship.
Again, I knew I was being selfish.
And so I wanted to hate Lily. I wanted to make her miserable with every second of the day. I wanted to make her run off and leave James behind. I cracked jokes about her and sneered at her in the hallways; I threw stuff at her and acted quite childish in the commons room and in the classrooms and I even hexed her a bit. But it wasn't that easy. She was just too goddamned nice and too perfect for James. I think that's what I hated most. That he had finally found someone to possible spend his life with and I was just second best to him. So in the end, I gave up. But still after that, you could hardly categorize the status between Lily and me as friends. We were mere acquaintances, people who were forced to talk because of our bonds with James. We exchanged hellos in the hallways and sometimes we even had a civil conversation in the Great Hall. Before she and James started dating, we used to pick on her a lot (too much and even to the extent that James and Lily started despising each other in those years) so me just being even a bit complimentary was showing her that I didn't hate her. I knew she appreciated it and so did James.
However, I was getting more and more frustrated with James. We'd make plans to hang out and he would often cancel them to be with Lily. I was more often than not sitting outside by the lake with my lone self because James forgot to tell me he couldn't make it. It wasn't easy trying to pretend like nothing changed. Even Remus and Peter noticed it. I knew I had to do something if I wanted to keep my best friend around. So I did the only thing I could. I started hanging out with both James and Lily, together. And that's when I first realized just how inspiring and warm-hearted Lily Evans really was. We instantly became best friends and often spent time together, just the two of us, when James wasn't around. And my seventh year became the best year of my life. I treasured that year and always will. Graduation had been one of the worst days of my life, knowing I'd be leaving a life I knew behind. Not only that, but I was forced to live out on my own with no family supporting me which meant finding a job as quickly as possible.
But two days after graduation, Lily came to me and told me about an opening at the Auror Academy in downtown London. I think I kissed her and acted the same way that James did in our dorm room that night after he kissed Lily.
I can't believe my life without her now. I still can't believe I thought I had hated her for a good six years. I wish I hadn't lost those years just because I was an immature child who enjoyed hexing her because she had morals and refused to defend herself in the same way.
I'll say it now and I'll say it again: I honestly love Lily Evans. And before you gasp and say what a betraying backstabber I am to my own best friend, I don't mean the kind of love where I want to throw her on a hotel bed and have hott animal sex with her. I mean the kind of love you share with your family. The kind of unconditional love where no matter how many feuds or debates you have with someone, you'll always make up knowing that deep in your heart, you don't want to lose even a few minutes of your friendship. Lily and I have a special bond. We understand each other in ways that no one else could. We had the same heart-breaking tragedies in both of our lives. Lily's parents died during her second year; not only did my father die during my fifth year but I pretty much thought as my own mother as dead and gone. I ran away from my family and she was practically disowned by her sister. She had a sister who she would have killed with her bare hands if it was legal. I had a brother who I wanted to stick in a fire and let him melt away. Lily hardly had any other friends at Hogwarts and I assumed that I had lost James once he and Lily got together. And these are only the broader subjects. She and I like the same things as well. Like we're both fans of Disney movies and can never get enough of them and our favorite color is maroon.
By the end of our seventh year, the tables were turned and it was almost as if James was jealous of the bond between me and Lily. Of course, I could never fall for Lily Evans in the way that James loved—loves her. Lily is like my sister and I knew that I would forever be protecting her.
And as I stood up at the reception and recited my Best Man speech, all I could do was stare at them with the smallest tingle of tears in my eyes. My heart was slowly breaking and I knew that if I didn't settle down soon, I would never be the person who I wanted to be.
And so the night ended and I was left alone. They were shipped off to Aruba for their honeymoon and I was just left in the dust to be reminded of my own pathetic life. And so I sat in the reception hall for the remainder of the night and I closed my eyes, trying so hard to bring back the memories of Hogwarts where Lily, James, and I were the Terrible Trio and thoughts of marriage never even crossed our minds. I wanted so badly to relive those years. I wanted to go back in time and stay seventeen forever.
Unfortunately, I knew I had to move on. I knew I had the rest of my life to live and even though my two best friends had gotten married, that shouldn't have meant that I had to give up everything I formerly knew.
Honestly, I never felt like the third wheel around them. We were all a team and I never thought we could be anything less. Unfortunately, as they has said their "I do's" I felt a pang of resentment in my heart, knowing that I would always just be their friend. They were husband and wife and I was just the friend. I hated thinking that I was just the friend. I hated thinking that I would be the third wheel from then on. But most of all, I hated thinking that they had everything and I didn't.
And so the years have gone by and I am sitting here at my desk in my own home with a huge smile on my face as I glance towards my wife in the bed beside me.
Now I had everything as well.
A/N: I hope you liked it. Review please.