The Color of My Love
A Yamazaki/Chiharu fluff
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, CLAMP does, though I sorely wish I did. Dey blah dey blah dey blah blah blah.
I don't lie. I just tell stories. And I tell stories to...hide.
Because one day, a story of mine will have to start out like this...
"Hey guys, did you know that I have an untreatable condition in that makes my eyes cloud over so that first the color cones die off then the rods and thus I'll be blind by the time I'm thirty, and that's if the medications can slow the process down even to that point? That's why I squint, so that you couldn't tell! Hahahaha!" they'll laugh, thinking its another lie, a another story, and Chiharu will boink me over the head and it'll be ok, I'm not going blind it's just a crazy story. Ha ha ha.
And then...Chiharu might look at me...into my eyes...and want to know...
Then, she will, forget me.
Funny how I could think that. We've been together for twelve years, dating for seven; she would stick with me and live happily ever after right? But how can it be happily ever after when I can't remember if her hair is auburn or strawberry? When...I'll never see again. Never see my own wedding day; never see my own child.
When I was in kindergarten, I told everyone how I'd be an artist when I grew up. Everyone wanted me to draw a picture of them. Chiharu was one. I remember...a circle, with blue ovals and a little pink mouth and curly red hair. I used... the orange-red crayon. Red-orange. Is that her hair color? Anyway...
I gave it to her and the next day she announced she was now my girlfriend and she would marry me and of pictures I'd painted and red and black haired children. I doubt she remembers. For now, I can barely make out one color from another. Reds. I can see reds and some shades of blue. Never yellow, seldom green. The optometrist tells me the yellow cones are the first to go, then the blues, then the reds. Until 'm down to grays. Then...black memories of sight. Sight is not all that important, I realize touch is very nice too.
Like the first time Chiharu and I kissed. I can honestly tell you I never saw it coming.
I don't tell lies. Just stories to hide myself from pity and rejection.
Man, I almost think having no sight is a mercy because the day will come when Chiharu will leave me for another and at least I'll have the mercy of not seeing how beautiful she will look in a wedding dress and the ring another man will give her, all because I'm a coward; and hide behind my stories.
Do I sound phony as I say I love her? Does it seem so cliché that I've been with her for most of my life and want her to be with me for the rest? Am I denying her the choice of a worthy man, because all she ever known was me? What if her destined true love has come and gone and she missed him because of me? She tells me she loves me, but I don't feel as if I've ever earned that love fairly.
Tell Chiharu I'm sorry.
Tell her I love her. Tell her I dream of her in a house full of paintings and red and black haired children, even if I can't quite remember the exact shade of red. Tell her I don't lie.
I just tell stories.