A Ranma Nibunoichi fanfiction
By Matthew Talbain
----------------Chapter Five: Just Like Christmastime in Hell!-------------
He awakened. It was a slow, laborious process, and he had one hell of a hangover, but he was awakening. His body and mind slowly went through the slow process of rebooting. First, his awareness drive kicked in, then his locomotors began to warm up. Basic mentality programs began to run. However, his photosensitive optical receptors seemed unwilling to begin operation.
It was then that he decided to explore the strange weight on his chest with his upper locomotors. His arm began to slide along the soft, smooth surface, and his hands came into contact with a pleasantly large globe. A low groan echoed, and his emergency override activated. His optical receptors snapped into operation, and suddenly, a beautiful, platinum-haired woman was lying on his chest, her hand twined with his free one, and her other arm snaking behind her head to cradle his.
Now, she did not suddenly appear there as soon as his eyes opened. That is just how it seemed to him. She had, in fact, been lying on top of him for a good long time. He began to sweat, wondering just what the hell he'd done this time, and hoping to the Heavens he lived in they weren't naked.
But Kami-sama laughed his ass off as he pressed the "decline prayer" button.
Ranma lifted the blanket he and his partner lay under, and suddenly decided that wasn't a very smart thing to do. An eyeful of bare, beautiful woman met his eyes, and he knew he was in for it when she woke up. He turned his gaze to her face, and inwardly, every alarm system in his alcohol-fogged mind began to blare. However, as the only employee within Ranma's emergency system not sloshed was the alarm-system activator, Ranma did not manage to do anything at all when he saw that the woman in his arms was awake.
He did, to his credit, perform admirably well when she cuddled him, and merely smiled worriedly.
"Mmm…this feels nice. So, I finally managed to capture the Wild Horse, ne?"
Ranma simply nodded dumbly while Hild stretched in just the right way to set off alarms of an entirely different sort.
"It's a damn shame I can't remember any of it. I'm REALLY sore. You must've been good." A feral grin alit on her features as she looked at her lover's sweat-shined body. She gathered her considerable metaphysical assets, and prepared for her attack.
Ranma had little warning, and less reactivity, as Hild pounced. Her lips met his, and though he wanted to resist, he also felt an attachment to this woman. Deciding to give in, and enjoying the Hell out of it, he kissed back just as fiercely. The blanket ended up covering them once more as they engaged in activities that they would remember THIS time.
Hotaru entered the room with a tray of food with two plates on top of it. She had long ago exited Ranma's body and decided to fix breakfast while he and Hild…spent quality time together. She also grinned mischievously as she felt the pishogue flows in Hild's body beginning to pool into her womb in minute amounts. She set the tray, shook her master, got no response, shook him again, got no response, smacked him in the head, got no response, pulled out a mallet and beat him manically, got no response, and gave up.
Or did she?
Hotaru quickly left the room, and Hild, who was reawakening by now, could hear the angel rummaging in some sort of closet. Her eyes widened when she saw the angel reenter the room with a large taser. Which was promptly placed to Ranma's neck.
Needless to say, Ranma was awake, albeit twitching, and eating moments later. All the while complaining about upstart angels. Hotaru merely beamed. Hild sweatdropped while she ate.
Hotaru allowed Ranma to finish his food while Hild snuggled him, having finished her own food a little earlier. As Ranma finished his last swallow, a series of musical notes could be heard to come from his angel.
Hild and Ranma both did a spit-take, which was strange considering neither had any food or liquid in their mouths, and coated Hotaru in…something.
"WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!"
The happy couple fainted while Hotaru went to go take a shower.
A pair of mothers waited outside their son's door, debating whether they should knock or just go on in. They only debated for a moment with propriety. He was their son, after all, and they'd seen him naked plenty of times. After all, Raiden and Fujin never could leave him alone when he was in the bath.
They barged into the apartment, linking arms and prepared to give their son a great big hug when they heard him, and another, yell.
"WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!"
At that, the two goddesses swooned and ran into the bedroom. The strange sight before them was quite hilarious. One, an angel covered in…some stuff, flying into the bathroom and blasting the hot water. Two, their naked son twitching, with little arcs of electricity running over his body, his eyes swirling. Three, a platinum-haired woman whose assets made them feel really…inadequate, strangely unaffected by the current still running through their son's body.
Certainly, they recognized Hild-sama. Certainly, they knew she ruled Niflheim. Of course, they knew they should probably be trying to tie her up and chuck her into some deep, fiery pit of despair. But there was something more important at the moment.
"WAI! WE'RE GONNA HAVE GRANDBABIES!"
Once again, the classic anime mother comes to the fore, completely disregarding one set of problems and creating a whole slew of new ones.
"Ooooh, Sekhmet, we're gonna get to use the nursery again!"
"Ooooh, Bast, we're gonna get to huggle and cuddle babies again!"
"Ooooh, Sekhmet, do you think we'll get to name our grandbabies?"
"Ooooh, Bast….what will we wear to the baby shower!"
See what I mean?
Raiden and Fujin entered the domicile rather quietly, looking behind them to make certain their followers remained silent. As they all snuck in and took up various positions around the room, Raiden and Fujin walked up and knocked on the closed door. There was no answer.
Raiden, being Raiden, decided to go hide himself, and sweatdropped as he entered the target room. "Kami-samadamnit, Odin! Nobody falls for the lampshade thing nowadays!" The God merely shrugged and adjusted the lampshade sitting on his head as the door down the hall opened up. The sound of somebody hitting their head very, very hard against a hard, wooden surface could be heard. Very loudly, I might add. And it sounded painful, too. Really painful. Not quite as painful as jabbing your eyes out with needles, but still pretty painful. And loud. Louder than a banshee, anyway. You get the idea. I think.
"Hello, Fujin. Have you come to see my son?"
Fujin merely nodded, beckoned, and pointed down the hall. Sekhmet nodded, and closed the doors. The sounds of a head banging intensified for one really loud, really painful bang, and the door opened again. Two goddesses, incredibly happy I might add, were carrying their dazed son into the living room. A demonic queen, bouncing and bubbly with joy, followed.
And the baby shower began…
"Hey, Aphrodite, nice legs, when do they open?"
"Get the hell away from me Loki."
"So put some ice on it!"
"I never loved your mother, you know that."
"Um…when'd Keith Richards get here?"
"DID SOMEBODY SPIKE THE PUNCH!"
The party fell silent. Everybody realized that NOBODY had spiked the punch. Yet. Shrugging the person at the bowl pulled out some powder and poured it into the bowl "surreptitiously". "PARTY ON!"
The party continued on for many, many hours, as gifts were given to the unexpected couple, fights raged, and more babies were conceived. It was later revealed that all seven of the children conceived at that party had the same 'father'. But that's neither here nor there. What is, is that Ranma actually enjoyed his baby's shower.
"Hey, Hild? Who brought us the freaky lamp?"
….Don't go there, Saotome. Don't go there….
A/N: I know, not up to the usual SBT standard, but I'm getting back into the groove. At least I'm posting again!