Darkness and Light
Disclaimer- Star Wars is not owned or written (thankfully) by me, though if it was there'd be a few adjustments I can tell you! No copyright infringement is intended and the characters and universe belong to the Bearded one, I'm just playing in his sandbox!
A.N- My not-at-all awaited foray back into the SW universe follows this note! I've been away for a while but I've been re-watching the movies again lately so my creative muse has temporarily returned. This is a one-shot Obidala set between AOTC and ROTS- I'm thinking nearer to Episode 3 than two, sometime when Obi and Padmé can be alone and he's back from fighting for a bit!
If you don't like it don't read it, I'm warning y'all now, I don't have the patience for flamers and any who venture to do so will have my undying scorn and pity! It does no one any good and it's a waste of everyone's time, so don't bother, 'kay kids? I'm trying my hand at a one shot because I don't have the energy to do another epic see Futures Past if you're interested in my first Obidala SW fic written before my writing had vastly improved- at least I hope it has :'( inspired by a random thought of mine, the plot bunnies attacked and I felt I had to write this. It may be a little angsty folks, but that's what I love :D Reviews are muchly welcomed, thanks for coming to read. Now- on with the show!
There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave,
the more I get of you, the stranger it feels,
and now that your rose is in bloom
a light hits the gloom on the grave
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
my power, my pleasure, my pain.
Baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
Yes I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave,
the more I get of you, the stranger it feels,
and now that your rose is in bloom
a light hits the gloom on the grave
Seal- Kiss From A Rose
A Jedi lives his life in the light, depends on it, uses it, breathes through it.
The darkness is a forbidden fruit for us; it is everything we fight against and everything that tries to destroy us. But sometimes the darkness has its uses.
"We've got to stop meeting like this…" There is humour in my tone, it's the old cliché sprouted so many times in old holo-films between two star-cross'd lovers in corny romances. But somehow it rings true for us. We have got to stop meeting like this, it's wrong, I know it's wrong. I've seen tacky little plaques and holo-banners in novelty stores with 'Don't touch what you can't afford' written on, but the woman in front of me has always been an addiction I can't seem to deny myself, we both need it so much these days.
We stand in the municipal park of Coruscant- holographic of course: there is no room for thriving natural life amid the noxious and cramped skyscrapers and industrial facilities, no-one dares to venture down to ground level on the planet any more- but the simulated trees and plants in the starlight have a certain romantic charm, and it seems as real as any rendezvous on Naboo.
"Do we?" Her voice is the barest hint of a whisper, as her hand comes to rest against my coarse cheek, the rough stubble of my beard contrasting nicely against her delicate palm. We are a world of opposites, a Jedi and a Senator, her dark hair and deep soulful eyes against my auburn and 'eyes the colour of the sea in a storm'- her words, not mine. She is my darkness, that little forbidden part of me that I can't refuse, and yet all she is, all she stands for is a light in the dark, a beacon of hope in deepest night.
"Do you ever wonder about the darkness Obi-Wan?" She asks, quietly, I'm not sure what she means but I know she'll clarify, so I wait a moment.
"How different things appear, in the night?"
I understand. "You can't see all the scars in the darkness." Her slender finger moves up in silent agreement to play over a nick in the skin of my ear, where blaster fire caught me before I could quite manoeuvre out of the way. Most of my scars though, are buried beneath the surface, below the clothes and occasionally below the skin- in my very soul.
"Or the tears." She whispers. That's not quite true however, I see the glimmering silver trails etched over her porcelain cheeks, and raise a hand to wipe them away.
"Why are you crying?" I frown, not that it can be seen, in the darkness.
"You know why."
"In the darkness we are just two lovers, walking under the stars." I say softly with a rueful smile.
She clasps my hand between her two smaller ones and guides it to the gentle swell of her belly. "In the darkness, these are yours."
"And you are not the wife of my best friend." I say tightly, pulling back, my throat constricting. I fear that were it not for the darkness she would see the tears in my eyes also. "But in the light, the truth is revealed."
"The harsh light of day." Padmé murmurs, hand unconsciously over her abdomen, protective of the developing life within her. "I hate the darkness." She says more vehemently, but not loudly. "It taunts me with what I want but cannot have, offers me half truths and fantasies…"
"And Anakin?" It pains me to think of him, so close and yet so far. So changed from the innocent boy I first met those long years ago, so full of anger, paranoia… and power.
"I lost Anakin to the darkness a long time ago… Don't make me lose you too Obi-Wan." She chokes, her voice raw with panic and desperation. I draw closer to her once more, enveloping her in my arms where she continues to sob against my tunic, her fingers tangled in my robes, clutching on for dear life.
"Never." I whisper against her russet hair, inhaling the intoxicating smell of the Rominaria flower that clings to her, a flower native to her beloved Naboo.
"I hate the light as much as the darkness." I tell her, kissing the crown of her noble head. She looks up at me, unshed tears still glittering in the pools of her eyes.
"In the light we must walk the paths set for us, keep up the façade."
She nods against my chest, pulling away slightly. "Hide how we feel, who we are."
"The darkness is preferable to the light, in my opinion. I would rather a night of half truths and fantasies than a lifetime of the charade that is my future, without a doubt."
"I agree. But still I must share a bed with a stranger, and pretend I know nothing of the one who holds my heart. Pretend I do not feel as I feel and that you are the stranger and not my husband, a husband that I fear!"
Her agitation is palpable in the Force and it tremors through both her and the unborn babes nestled safe within her. I reach out a hand to steady her, my hand rubbing up and down her back soothingly, and with a little nudge of Force suggestion I calm her hammering heart.
"I would never let any harm come to you, or those you carry." I do not need to say more, make a vow or a pact with her, it is an unspoken bond, stronger than words or time, I will always protect them, with my life.
It is so painful being her with her, agony and ecstasy all at once, and I understand now why the Jedi forbid love, relationships or commitment to anything other than the Order and its duties. Sweet misery loving what I can never have, knowing what I should never know, torn between jealousy and worry, guilt and love. Anakin is like a son to me, a best friend and companion. But Padmé treats me as a real person, not a Jedi or a mentor, an expendable tool in a fight. We could talk for hours about everything and nothing, or speak in the silence of our hearts. We share common dreams and ideals. Anakin could never be on her intellectual level, in many ways he is still so naïve, but in others he has a…a ruthless ferocity I have never seen in a Jedi before. He is ruled by his emotions, as a Jedi is taught not to, taking strength in his reckless anger or consuming hate. I fear for him, as Padmé does. And if he were to know what we were doing now, he would kill us both, without stopping to ask why. I know that as surely as I know that I love this courageous wilful woman before me.
I have never betrayed him in the most sacred of ways, and I never will. That does not make what Padmé and I are doing less wrong, it is not a defence by any means. As much as I desire to make love to her, that most intimate and carnal act I will not allow. She is pregnant with his children, much as she regrets that. She is married to him and I am a Jedi, I am betraying my Order and my friend as we speak, but I will never go that far, I allow myself that one restraint. I care for Padmé too much to ever do that to her, to ever make it a competition, something that can be compared, that most sacred act between man and wife. I love her too much to touch her that way. If that makes any sense?
I destroy those I care for, that is what I think, melodramatic perhaps but the evidence is there. Qui-Gon Jinn, the only father I ever knew, my mentor and carer, the one who saw something in me out of all the other Padawan learners, the only one who thought I was worth something, and gave me more second chances than anyone else would. The man who brought Anakin into my life, though I resented it at the time. He was viciously and mercilessly slain, in front of my very eyes, because I was too weak- too slow- to save him. I have lost many friends and allies over the years, due to my actions or inactions and now I am slowly losing Anakin. There is a darkness in him that has grown where I had hoped it would diminish, a ruthless streak that is becoming more apparent. I always feared I was too inexperienced to have an apprentice so soon after Qui-Gon's death- after all I was only just a Jedi Knight myself! Master Yoda shared my fears, but because it was my Master's dying wish that I should train Anakin in his stead what choice did I have?
Anakin has a raw power, it is true his Midichlorian count ever recorded, but with that power comes an arrogance that is truly unbecoming for a Jedi. Padmé informed me- when she found that Anakin had not- how he had slaughtered the encampment of Tusken Raiders who had killed his mother. I can sympathise with the grief and loss my Padawan must have felt, but senseless slaughter in cold blood- women and children along with the males, and all in the heat of hatred- that was inexcusable for a Jedi. I have been destroying Anakin all these years, my inexperience, my own insecurities and weaknesses have weakened him, and now I fear we are losing him to the darkness we have fought so long to destroy. And it is all my fault. I do not want to taint Padmé, I do not want to lose her the way I have lost my 'father' and my 'son', I do not want to endanger her by loving her, that is what wakes me in the night in a cold sweat, as much as seeing Anakin fall day by day.
"I fear tomorrow Obi-Wan, I fear what could happen to you, to Ani, to my children, to my world."
I know what she means, battles with the Separatists, battles with Anakin, the uncertainty these days bring.
I wish I could give those children a future where they can be safe from harm, where their mother can be happy and their father can be the man I thought he once was, the hope of the galaxy- the chosen one to bring balance to the Force. But I cannot give them that bright new day, I know that future will never come, in the harsh light of reality, that is certain.
But here, in the darkness, I can hope.
Meh, overcooked plot, overdramatic, blah! Take pity on me, as I said my muse had abandoned me and just returned. Tell me what you think, constructive criticism welcomed, flames are ignored and flamers are scorned! It's somewhat a departure from what I usually do I think, if I did it right it should also have a bit of 'foreshadowing' of the future, I hope anyway! Look out for a songfic coming soonly setting up Anakin's descent into darkness and Padme's thoughts on that and Obi, hope you'll check that out if you liked this! If you didn't, tell me why and I'll make it better!
Thank you for taking the time to read, I hope you enjoyed it!