(A/N: Well, here's my second attempt at FMP! fic; damn, this fandom is difficult to write for…

But it's fun. Hopefully this piece is enjoyable; I've tried my best to think of how a risqué situation between Sousuke and Kaname would actually play out...

As with all of my fics, I dedicate this to my best friend and partner-in-crime, cultnirvana.)

An Otaku Citrus Story

It was time.

After several months of trepidation, sweaty palms, and stolen kisses, they had come to...to...

Kaname frowned. 'Love-making, maybe? But that's so cheesy... Oh well...' She smiled slightly to herself and adjusted the hem of her skirt from her seat upon the edge of the bed. 'I guess the important thing is who you're with...' The faint, wistful smile that had spread across her features disappeared in an instant as she noticed her companion crouching by her bedroom window, ever-present serious scowl firmly in place. "Sousuke, what the hell are you doing?"

"Strategically, this room is far from impenetrable," he remarked. "If we are to engage in such activities that will result in a lack of awareness of one's surroundings, it would be in both of our best interest to survey the immediate area and calculate the chances of a surprise attack while we are otherwise occupied."

"'Occupied,'" Kaname repeated in a deadpan voice. She rested her chin in her hand and wondered if she would ever be able to even come near the typical romantic scenarios of roses and chocolates and strolls on the beach. 'But still...' She smiled again. It was worth it; he was worth it. As otaku as he undeniably was, at least he was making strides towards normalcy...sort of. That hot dog vendor had only been in traction for a week...

"To the best of my knowledge, we are indeed secured," Sousuke noted, moving over to sit next to her on the bed. "You may proceed."

"Ah, but don't you want to proceed with me?" Kaname practically purred, locking her arms around Sousuke's neck.

"If you so wish, Chidori. I have promised to spend this night with you, and I will thus please you to the best of my ability." He was oblivious to the annoyed scowl on his girlfriend's face.

"Okay...so..." She blushed a dark shade of crimson. "H-how do we start?"

"I believe that for such activities, it is customary for both parties to be nude--"

Good God, where was the harisen when she needed it?

Though that could be considered a little kinky...

Kaname brushed that thought away as quickly as if it had burned her and sighed deeply. "I guess I'll start..." One hand moved to undo the top button on her blouse and hovered there for a moment. "Sousuke?"

"Yes?"

"Y-you do...want this, right?"

"Of course, Chidori. Whatever makes you happy satisfies me as well."

"Just remember that for later--it might come in handy."

Sousuke was puzzled by her comment but chose to merely store it away for later reference.

Kaname took a deep breath and continued unbuttoning her blouse, finally shedding it and draping it across the back of the chair near the bed. She crossed her arms instinctively across her bra-clad chest and turned back to Sousuke, a light blush coloring her features.

He was sweating lightly, but other than that, he seemed to have no reaction.

"Sousuke..." she began, annoyance and danger already creeping into her voice.

"Yes, Chidori?" That same blank look.

Kaname tried--unsuccessfully--to stifle an annoyed growl. "WELL? Don't you have any kind of reaction to this? Like, 'Wow, she's gorgeous!' or 'I'm so lucky to have her as a girlfriend!' or 'She's WAY prettier than Tessa!' or something like that! Can't you even shift uncomfortably or something?"

"Negative, Chidori. I fail to understand the importance of this systematic shedding of clothes in such a prolonged manner. If I remember correctly, intercourse involves only the lower--"

"STOP! RIGHT NOW!" Kaname found a magazine resting innocently upon her dresser and brought it down swiftly upon the clueless young sergeant's head. "Could you be more of a mood-killer?"

"I apologize, Chidori." For just a brief, fleeting insant, he looked vulnerable. "I have no experience in such situations."

Kaname immediately felt guilty about swinging the magazine so quickly--damn, it was the 'Hot' issue of Cosmo, too. That thing must weigh four pounds. "It's okay, Sousuke...I guess." She kissed him quickly on the forehead. "It's just kind of frustrating."

"I am willing to learn."

"Good." She smiled, then turned her back to him. "Now you can hurry and get this off."

Sousuke stared at the odd clasp holding together the impractical garment. He moved his finger over the fasteners, then mentioned aloud, "Just last year, a British man suffered severe ligament damage while trying to remove a similar garment--"

"Shut up and take it off."

A full minute passed while Sousuke struggled to remove the bra. Maybe you move them both to the right...no, that's not going to work. Maybe this one has to go up while this one goes down...no. Does this one have to go counterclockwise...?

"Sousuke, WHAT is taking you so long?"

"Please wait a moment, Chidori; I believe that I have discovered the solution to the problem."

'Geez, took him long enough. How long does it take to unhook a--'

In one swift motion, Sousuke's combat knife had appeared in his hand and sliced the back of the bra in half.

Kaname turned slowly around to see Sousuke carefully tucking away his knife and checking to make sure that he had not inadvertently cut Kaname in the process. "Perfect. The garment was successfully removed without any collateral dam--" His voice cut off sharply as a pair of strong hands wrapped around his throat and squeezed.

"Do—you—have—ANY—idea—how—much—THAT--COST!?" Kaname yelled, her teeth bared dangerously and her hands choking the life out of the clueless young sergeant before her.

"Chi...dori..."

"SHUT UP!" She released him from her death-grip. "Baka. And if I see that knife come out one more time, I'm going to confiscate it, and I swear you'll end up losing something."

"And what would that be, Chidori?"

Kaname stared at him and wondered if he really was human.

---

Kaname sat nude upon the bed, one hand propped under her chin, a combination of boredom and sheer annoyance dimming her eyes. They had been at this for an hour.

"And so the Kama Sutra makes note of eight 'lying-down' positions, which I believe would be more appropriate for this situation. I personally find 'The Position of Andromaque' compelling, but since my mission tonight is to please you, Chidori, I will allow you to choose the method for our activities."

He had drawn DIAGRAMS. Kaname began to massage her temples. "God, I don't need this."

"Chidori..." Sousuke said seriously. He placed his hand over hers. "If this isn't what you want..."

"No, no, it is," she said quickly, cursing herself for sounding so eager. "It's just...do you have to make everything so technical?"

"Well, in a sense, sexual intercourse in itself can be quite technical. For instance--"

"Sousuke, if you say one more word, I swear to God you'll never father children."

Sousuke was smart enough to understand the connotations of that particular threat.

---

Kaname smiled softly and curled into Sousuke's embrace, ignoring the fact that she was damp with sweat and flushed from head-to-toe. She sighed dreamily and leaned up to kiss Sousuke. "So how was it for you?" she asked with a devilish smirk.

"Quite satisfactory, Chidori."

'Satisfactory...' Kaname would let that one slip; she was too tired to swing that magazine again. "I love you, you know."

"I am aware of that fact, yes."

Kaname sighed and rested her head against his chest. "That was nice..."

"I would believe so, if your reaction is any indication. Climax in women often involves three to ten strong, rhythmic contractions, but if my count was accurate--"

"Oh, just shut up and cuddle me, Sousuke."

--END

(End A/N: Yay, after nearly seven months of straight writer's block, I finally managed to write something, as pointless and stupid as it is. I'd appreciate any insight you guys may have as to how I could make it better. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually get the courage to write a real lemon one day...)