Walkin', walkin' with you in my head
My feet are so tired
My brain is so wired
And the clouds are weepin'.
He didn't know where he was going. It didn't matter, really. Everywhere he went reminded him of the very thing he was trying to forget. He walked through the heavy grey fog and wished he could stop his brain from thinking from sheer exhaustion, but he knew he couldn't. She was imbedded in his head and wouldn't go away. He didn't even have to make the effort to think about her. Thinking about her had become like breathing: unobtrusive but necessary. The village seemed empty…dead as he walked through the muddy ground. They were all hiding from the impending storm and the bleary fog…all except him. He was so weary…more than tired, really since he rarely grew tired, and although he had to admit he hadn't completely healed from his latest brush with death, he knew he had to walk…even if every step hurt, the restless pain inside him was more than any physical pain he might feel.
He had reached the open field beyond the village when with one sky-rending flash, the clouds finally opened up and let out the rain. He continued to walk heedless of the piercing rain that came down on him, drenching him almost immediately. He looked up through his drenched bangs and thought, vaguely, how much it looked as if the clouds wept.Did I hear someone tell a lie?
Did I hear someone's distant cry?
He closed his eyes against the memories trying to take over, but the act only served to bring them more clearly into focus. He could see her face as clearly as if she were standing in front of him…so clearly he had to fight back the urge to reach out. His hands clenched into fists as her voice echoed…
He had accused her of lying…why? Had she ever lied to him before? He couldn't think of a single moment she had, so why had he given in to that old insecurity? Why hadn't he believed her when she claimed her honesty? Why hadn't he turned around when she called for him?
I spoke like a child
You destroyed me with a smile
While I was sleepin'.
He had flung childish words…words that he didn't really mean, but hadn't been able to stop himself from uttering…
He had wanted to make her angry at him…as angry at him as he was at her for having made him feel the way he hadn't since he was a child…insecure and weak and…human…he had wanted to make her angry and she had only smiled at him…that sweet, gentle smile that came from her heart when she could see right through him and his armor or anger and straight through to the core of pain…but she hadn't been able to hide the tears pooling on her eyelids as she did it…
She had waited until he was bandaged and sleeping from whatever drug the old hag gave him to make him sleep and then she had left him…she had smiled while he ranted at her and left while he was sleeping…
I'm sick of love that I'm in the thick of it
This kind of love, I'm so sick of it.
Damn her and her smile. Damn her and her eyes. Damn her tears. Damn her hair, her hands, her look, her laugh. Damn all of her. Damn love…
'And I'm in the thick of it…'I see, I see lovers in the meadow
I see, I see silhouettes in the window
I'll watch them 'til they're gone
And they leave me hangin' on
To a shadow.
Before…before when he saw the couples so intimate as if they were in their own world, when he saw the shadows entwine across the floor, heard the laughter and the whispers, he had gone off, disgusted. Not with the lovers…no, with himself. Because for a split moment, when he had seen the shadows of the children playing in their huts, the husband and wife and children eating, he had felt the weakness of envy.
But now…now he watched them until they were gone and now he felt empty when they left, as if he were only just waking from a dream that had left him hungry for something he knew he couldn't have, but now he couldn't make himself stop looking…couldn't make himself stop from imagining…I'm sick of love, I hear the clock tick
This kind of love, ah, I'm love sick.
The nights spent sleeping on the floor of Kagome's bedroom…the strange sounds of her time…the deep silence of her room that seemed to keep out even the sounds of the night, but still had its own incessant sounds…the hum of the machine that kept their house cool in the summer and warm in the winter without fire or breeze, the settling of the old house, even the brush of the tree branches on her window didn't escape his hearing during his nighttime vigil, but the sound that he always focused on, that sometimes drove him mad and sometimes hypnotized him was the tick of what she had called a clock. It counted the seconds into minutes and those into hours as he lay, unable to sleep, listening to her soft breathing above him, drowning in her scent as the clock ticked away his life, ticked away the wasted moments…
'This kind of love,' he thought angrily. 'I'm sick of it.'Sometimes the silence can be like thunder
The silence in her world was sometimes deafening. But there was nothing louder than her silence. That charged nothing between them. She never really demanded anything of him, but that silence…that silence that was louder than thunder spoke volumes, it screamed at him and reached out and slapped him and demanded his love.
Sometimes I wanna take to the road and plunder
He looked up at the watery distance, not bothering to push back his hair from where it fell over his face, sending little rivers of water down his face, like tears. Was he crying? He couldn't tell…he did it so rarely, he wasn't sure he knew what it felt like.
Sometimes, the horizon seemed to beckon to him.
Why couldn't he just run off? She wasn't here to stop him now, she didn't ever have to know. He could just keep going, keep walking and never turn back. He was so tempted. He could take back his life the way it had been before Kagome…and before Kikyou even.
But he couldn't make his legs move suddenly. What stopped him? The jewel? His revenge? He blinked and saw only Kagome's face, her tears, her look of pain and questioning and he had his answer. She was what kept him here…what kept him going…what kept him alive.
Could you ever be true?
I think of you
And I wonder.
Could he trust her? He trusted her with his life…he knew he did. If she said something, he trusted it to be true. If she said duck, he did, without question. If she called stop, he did, almost without thinking and if she said jump…he would, even if he didn't see a floor. But could he trust her? He had thought he could trust Kikyou, but…he couldn't. Oh, he didn't blame her for what she did…she had been misled, he knew it wasn't her fault, he didn't hate her, but…but she hadn't trusted him. She had seen him wound her and she had taken it for granted that it was him…she had never questioned it.
Kagome had trusted him. She had never been afraid of him when he turned demon, she had been the only one to come to him and try to calm him down. Even when she knew he couldn't control it. Even when everyone told her that he couldn't control it, she hadn't been afraid. She hadn't left him. She had trusted him…in him.
He would never be afraid of Kagome, he realized. He would never run from her, even if he knew it really was her body aiming an arrow at him or swiping at him, her eyes could never lie to him and he knew she would never hurt him…he trusted her…
Like he hadn't trusted Kikyou…
He hadn't thought her capable of it before, but when she pulled the bow taut, took aim at him, and fired, he had felt betrayed by her. And when he awoke 50 years later and he had fully believed she had betrayed him, he had never once wondered why she had...
I'm sick of love, I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love, I'm tryin' to forget you.
Except Kagome did leave him. She might not leave him if he was in danger, but if she were pissed enough at him, oh, she would leave faster than you could say enchanted well.
He shook his head. He was so sick of love. It brought nothing but pain and trouble and more thinking than it was worth. It had never brought him anything but heartache. He didn't know what all the poets raved about. He hated it. It was a weakness…
He wished he had never met Kagome. He couldn't imagine his life without her now, but if he didn't know what he'd be missing, he couldn't miss it, could he? And so he really wished he could forget her…as if he'd never met her…Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to
Be with you.
He looked through the rain and realized suddenly that he was at the well. He cursed under his breath. How did he get here?' he wondered. He thought about turning around and running off in any direction that wasn't the well, but as he considered his options, he sighed and let himself drop on the wet grass. It was no use. There was no place that he could go where he wouldn't think about her. No place that he could go that would make him forget her. He could run and walk until forever, but he'd always find his way back here…always come back to where he could see her…
"I just don't know what to do," he admitted aloud. He looked down at the empty well. "I'd give anything…" he started and sighed. "To be with you."
A/N: Uh…dunno what to say about this one…I actually started this one during finals cause I downloaded the song (Love Sick by Bob Dylan) and kinda felt something for it, but wasn't sure what I saw with it, so I did what any author would do…I sent the song to LilacRose, my good friend and the amazing authoress herself, and told her that I felt something but didn't know what, so she got me started, giving me the image of Inu walking in the rain…I have to say, it was just EXACTLY the image to the feeling I had, so beaucoup thanks to LilacRose, as always.
Hugs n Kisses to everyone out there!!