Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the recipe, which is a real one!

Freddy was trying to cook Katie's favorite cake for her birthday. It was Chocolate Wave Zucchini Bread. (This is a proper thing!) He'd never heard of it, but if that was what Katie wanted, then that was what Katie got. He'd never made anything harder than soup (out of a packet) but this cooking thing couldn't be that it? Ok then, ingredients.

INGREDIENTS:

1/3 cup shortening. What? How could you shorten a cup? This was impossible, he'd just miss that one out.

1 1/3 cups white sugar. '1/3'? Did that mean you could choose one or three cups? He'd go for three, 'cause more is better, right?

2 eggs. Ok, at last, something he understood! He grabbed two eggs, and put them on the worktop.

1 1/2 cups grated zucchini. He had some zucchini, and he figured this was another multiple choice thing, so he went for two again.

1/3 cup water. Three cups of water it was.

1 teaspoon vanilla extract. A teaspoon? Which was that, big or small? He went for the bigger one, and got two to make sure.

1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour. What was all-purpose flour? He had some old brown flour somewhere, so he got three cups of that.

1 teaspoon baking soda. He didn't have any baking soda, so he poured some orange soda into a cup.

1/2 teaspoon salt. He was running out of what he thought was teaspoons, so he guessed at how much it was and poured it into a cup.

1/4 teaspoon baking powder. Wait – wasn't this like baking soda? Maybe he should use some diet coke instead.

1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice. The only spice he had was ginger, so he got some of that.

1/3 cup chopped walnuts. He only had some peanuts, so they got out.

3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder. He'd grated some chocolate to use instead.

1/3 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips. He had a few left, but he'd got hungry and eaten most of them. He added a few chocolate chunks in with them.

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease one 9 x 5 inch loaf pan.

Ok then, he turned up the cooker until it was about 350 degrees, then smeared a load of grease on the pan thing.

In a large bowl, cream shortening and sugar together. Mix in eggs. Add zucchini, water, and vanilla; stir. Blend in flour, baking soda, salt , baking powder, and pumpkin pie spice. Stir in nuts.

Ok, it hadn't mentioned cream anywhere, so he just shoved in a load of sugar. He put in the eggs, hoping that the shell would dissolve or something. He added the water, vanilla and zucchini, and mixed it all together. Blend? How do you do that? He just shoved the flour, orange soda, salt, diet coke and ginger in and mixed it all up, stirring in the peanuts too.

Divide batter in half, and add cocoa powder and chocolate chips to one of the halves. Pour plain batter into bottom of the loaf pan. Pour chocolate batter on top of plain batter.

Batter? Isn't that what they put on fish? Maybe it meant his, uh, jumble of stuff. He tore it apart, and added the chocolatey stuff to one half, sticking it on with his chewing gum as it wouldn't stay on. Then he had to...pour? He couldn't really do that. He stuck the batter on the other one instead.

Bake until wooden pick inserted into center comes out clean, about 1 hour. Cool 10 minutes, and remove from pan. Store in refrigerator.

He baked it for a while, then tried putting a wooden thing in it. It wouldn't even go in! obviously that meant it was still clean, right? He tried to get his concoction off the pan, and he couldn't, so he got a hammer, and bang! It flew up! He caught it, and thrust it on a plate. Just then, the doorbell rang and he went to answer it.

"Oh, Katie? Have I got a surprise for you..."

So that's it! Let me know what you think. Please?