Co-written by Just Bob and j_mercuryuk

Disclaimer: I do not own 'lord of the Rings' or any of its characters, nor will I for the entirety of the series. However, if this changes, I'll let you know by hiring a private detective to seek you out individually. In the meantime, let's take it as read.

Chapter 1:The Good, The Bad, The Gorgeous, The Sexy, The Ugly, The Cute, The Elderly, The Gay and the other one.

For the first time since Middle Earth was last in peril (last Tuesday), the council room in Rivendell was full. Elves, dwarves, humans, hobbits, wizards, the Valar and a variety of other curious creatures (just to annoy the catering staff) had been invited by Lord Elrond. Of course all these 'people' had nothing better to do, so they came. Thranduil, (the king of Mirkwood) misguidedly believed that taking care of his kingdom was more important than running off to some party at Elrond's. He instead sent his son, Legolas, who always seemed so good at these things.

Meriadoc Brandybuck had not intended to come. He was going to go fishing with Peregrin Took (because he's always with Pippin), but got lost and ended up in Rivendell anyway.

Tom Bombadillo turned up, but he wasn't invited so they threw him out. However his prancing and singing was so entertaining that the bouncers decided to keep him as a pet.

Aragon son of Arathorn arrived by the unusual method of bursting out of a birthday cake. He looked around in surprise and said "hang on a minute, this isn't our bedroom!"

Elrond stood up "What are you doing Elessar?"

Aragon looked at him blankly. "Who? Oh, yes that is me. You see, well, I …." Suddenly he leaped up, grabbed someone's cloak (Yoink) and ran off. Bizarrely, nobody found this odd, although Arwen was very pleased.

Boromir was also there, but rather, well……damp.


Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion stood in one corner of the room, looking mysterious and drinking a mysterious and magical elf drink which bore a remarkable resemblance to champagne. He smiled his mysterious elf smile and keenly observed the goings-on.

As usual, Gandalf's fireworks were on display, but they seemed rather shabby on this occasion. Maybe it was because he saw them every bloody time. He noticed Gandalf and Elrond talking and decided to listen in as he wondered how Gandalf could be inside while his fireworks went off outside.

"I noticed that these aren't up to your usual standards, Mr Anderson!"

"I did warn you," he replied assuming that Elrond had a reason for using such a strange name. "This is what you get when you try to book on such short notice. I can't just magic things up you know."

"Well, Mithrandir, actually-"

The White Wizard interrupted him. "I had to import cheap Uruk-Hai made products from Isengard."

They were distracted by an Eagle Lord loudly complaining about the lack of live meat provided for the banquet. Once the fuss had died down and the Eagle Lord had flapped drunkenly outside to perch on a tree (as most people know, Eagles can't handle their liquor)

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion's attention turned to an approaching elf. At least, he looked like an elf, but his posture was slumped in a depressed and distinctly unelfish way.

"I have no particular reason to speak with you, but the plot will advance if I do, so I shall."

//Speak then brother// Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said in the Sindarin tongue.

He gave Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion the blankest of looks "Ya wot?"

"Do you not understand the speech of your own kin?" He exclaimed in surprise.

"Elvish, you mean? I am only a half-elf. I was brought up in a human village so I know nought about the elder and their ways."

"Ah yes, my keen eyes see your inherent inferiority."

"You mock me. Why do all you elves mock me? Those elves over there are laughing at me." And indeed, when Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion looked behind the stranger, he saw a group of Mirkwood elves who kept glancing at him and sniggering. "All I did was tell them my name."

"Then what is your name, peredhil?"

"No, not Pereyhil. It is Gaurbrith." Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion fought the urge to grin, but failed.

"What's so funny?"

The elf lord quickly changed the subject. "Since you have given me your name, I shall also introduce myself. I am Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, ruler of the high plains of Pal Palen."

A hint of panic entered Gaurbrith's voice. "Well, er, greetings Lord Kanolicky-" The elf lord draw his sword.

"It's Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion." He said menacingly. "TRY AGAIN, and do not fail this time."

Gaurbrith was noticeable shaking. "I-I may struggle y-y-your lordship. You have a v-v-very complex name." Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion's sword rose and Gaurbrith gulped.

"Wisemen become skilled when they feel the touch the cold eleven steel at their throats."

Pulling together his courage and speaking very slowly, he managed to put the right syllables together (even in the right order). This seemed to satisfy the nobleman and he sheathed his intricately carved blade.

"So, why do you have such a long name?"

"Godfather was an Ent. My mother and father came to him as soon as they knew that she was with-child, but he still did not return with a name until I was 10 years of age. You have no idea what it is like to think you will forever be called 'thingy'!" Feeling the need to strike out, he said "You don't have anything to brag about with your name."

"What's wrong with my name?"

But Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion did not even acknowledge his question and instead stared enigmatically into the middle-distance.

Just when Gaurbrith thought he would have to find another conversation partner, Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said "How did you come to be invited to this feast?"

"I know not. I was just out collecting fire-wood when this wizard named Gandalf rode up to me. Next thing I know, I was hopping behind him with a rope tied to my foot. He said it was for my own good; I needed to get out of this village and have an adventure."

"He does that a lot." Said Bilbo, who just happened to be passing by at that moment.


All around the room, people were sitting down at the tables. Gimli was insistent on sitting between Galadriel and Legolas. Celeborn's smile was getting rather strained, and he made a show of holding Galadriel's hand and giving the occasional 'little' kisses. Of course, being an elf lord, he was far too subtle to glare threatening at Gimli. Of course Gimli, being a dwarf, didn't take the hint.

Frodo was there with Frodo Junior, who will remain unexplained and unmentioned for the rest of this fanfic.

Sam was there with his wife, Rosie, and a whole herd of children, for whom no explanation is required.

The Ents, as usual, decided to eat standing up.

The Valar did not go to a table: the table came to them.

When they were all seated, Elrond stood up to say grace.

"We thank ye Valar and your servants the maiar, who keep and protect us, and especially Yavanna for nourishing our crops."

"Yer welcome, pet," called Yavanna from the Valar table, which was already filled with food. Elrond sighed. "Let the feast begin!"

"So what exactly are we celebrating then?" Gaurbrith asked Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion (who coincidentally happened to be sitting next to him. Strange, that...) as food was laid on the table. The food didn't last long on Merry and Pippin's table and there were splats and shouts along the lines of "BEHAVE" and "Mind yeh manners." From Sam's table

"I'm not entirely sure." Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said, reaching for some fruits. "I think it could be a wedding, or possibly a birth."

"I thought it was a feast day," said a ranger on Gaurbrith's other side.

"Isn't it Elrond's birthday," asked a Mirkwood elf from down the table.

Radegast the Brown's voice came from across the hall. "A birthday? Does that mean I should have brought a present?"

This started a wide-spread and noisy debate across the hall. Violence was only averted because Manwe was getting a head ache, so he silenced them all. The Funereal atmosphere lasted until dessert, when the Valar allowed some music and many got up to dance.

Arwen and Aragon went to their room to continue the "conversation" about the cake.

Legolas went alone to the garden.

Boromir was by the lake, searching in his boat for his Van Brace.

Gimli was behind a pillar spying on Galadriel, while she pretended she didn't know he was there.

Merry had fallen asleep in the hallway after drinking too many pints.

Pippin was looking for him.

Frodo was brooding over the loss of the ring in the library.

Sam was trying to put some of his children to sleep, while the others cling to his legs.

Gandalf had disappeared to somewhere mysterious...or possibly the toilet.

All in all, none could possibly know where the others were when....

A servant burst through the doors and shouted

"Find Elrond! Someone has just been found unconscious in either the bedrooms, gardens (including the lake), behind a pillar, in the hallway, the library or somewhere else!"

"Why are you saying that out here? It's just us bouncers out here."

"Hey, low, Tom Bombadillo..."

Within moments, Elrond was found, and he came into the banquet hall to calm the crowd with his findings.

"Stop the banquet! Somebody's been poisoned!"

A servant behind him said "It's worse then that; he's dead Jim!"

End of Chapter 1