You Really Don't Want to Know That
Molly and Arthur Weasley were sitting in front of the roaring fire in a big squashy armchair in the parlor of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Or rather, Arthur was sitting in the chair, and Molly was curled up in his lap. It was their anniversary.
Arthur took a sip from a small glass of Ogden's Old Firewhisky and set the glass down on the table next to the chair with a click. He slipped his arm around Molly's waist and kissed the top of her head. She smiled up at him, and they talked for a long while, whispering, laughing, and reminiscing about their life together. They were so engrossed in each other that they had forgotten that their three oldest boys were in the dining room, just out of sight beyond an archway near where Arthur and Molly were sitting, having seconds of that evening's dessert.
Bill, Charlie, and Percy gazed over fondly at their parents, and they smiled together at their own memories of the family. It had only been recently that Percy, after a very painful separation, had rejoined the family, freely admitting to everyone that he had pretty much been, as he himself put it, "a total fuckwit." He had returned to the family fold with a good deal more humility and humor than he had shown when he left. Besides, Bill and Charlie had never been ones to hold a grudge. The boys, men really, were enjoying listening to their parents share their favorite memories, and it never occurred to them that it might possibly be a private conversation.
Then Arthur asked a question that almost made them drop their forks . "Molly," he asked with a conspiratorial smile, "can you name all the places at Hogwarts we've made love?" The boys just stared at each other.
"Oh my, that would be quite a list, wouldn't it?" Molly laughed. The boys felt their ears turning bright red. They looked at each other in horror, and then realized that they were trapped. They definitely shouldn't be listening to this, but there was no way they could get back past their parents without their knowing they had been overheard!
"Well, there was the cow shed on the way to Hogsmeade. That was first, of course," Molly said with a smile. "The shed's gone now. I noticed that straight away when Bill and I were there for the Triwizard Tournament." She kissed him on the cheek and continued, "There ought at least to be a plaque, I think."
Arthur laughed. "At the very least. I can see it now: 'Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett lost their virginity on this site at the end of their sixth year during a raging hailstorm.' That would be just grand, wouldn't it?" Bill ran his hand over his face, and Percy stared up at the ceiling.
Molly's eyes softened and she placed her hand against his cheek. "I learned so much about you that night. Other than the obvious, of course."
"What did you learn, love?"
Molly traced a finger down Arthur's jumper and thought for a moment. "I learned that somewhere inside that quiet, unassuming man you show most of the world is a--" Molly giggled. "--a raving lunatic who is dangerously unpredictable and uncontrollable. And I love it when you let him out."
While she kissed him passionately, the boys in the dining room were turning beet red with embarrassment. Charlie whispered over to the other two, "Who'd've thought the old man had it in him, eh?" It was all they could do not to burst out laughing.
"And I learned, accidentally, as it would happen, exactly where to kiss you to turn you into a lump of putty." She bent down and kissed the soft spot at the base of his throat. Immediately, Arthur gasped, and his eyes began to glaze over. Molly laughed mischievously.
In the dining room, all three boys simultaneously put a hand up to their throats and then looked at each other with acute mortification. Bill smirked at Percy and asked, "You, too?" Percy just nodded and murmured distractedly, "When Penny--" Then he just shook his head and said, "Never mind." Charlie gaped at both of them muttered, "Merlin's Beard, it's genetic!"
Then they heard Molly continue. "And there were both our dormitories, although that was easily enough accomplished with a simple Silencing Charm. At least once you figured a way round the staircase on the girls' side." Percy opened his eyes wide in shock. "They were prefects!" he hissed. Bill punched him in the arm. Charlie's mouth opened in amazement, "Dad? Our dad got into the girls' dorm? I didn't think anyone—" Percy put a finger up to his lips and shushed him with a warning glare.
Arthur then added, "And of course, we tried the Astronomy Tower--"
Molly shook her head vehemently. "Who didn't? No good, that. Too crowded." They, and the boys, all sniggered at that, the boys as silently as possible, with hands over their mouths.
"Let's see," she said, ticking off on her fingers, "under the Gryffindor stands at the Quidditch pitch (very uncomfortable, that was), out behind the greenhouses, and after hours in the restricted section of the library." Arthur nearly convulsed with laughter.
In the dining room, the three boys were biting their knuckles and sharing shocked and amused looks. Percy just shook his head in disbelief, and even Charlie, who was the most easy-going of them all, was starting to shift uncomfortably in his chair.
Then Arthur added his bit. "Don't forget the good, old Gryffindor common room."
Molly shook with laughter and added, "Twice. The first time the settee was too short and your legs were sticking out all over. I don't even know how you managed it!"
"Perseverance, love," Arthur put in with a chuckle. "And the second time, over Christmas, we just said bugger the furniture and made ourselves comfortable in front of the fire."
"It was very romantic, as I remember it," Molly said with a smile, then shook her head. "The common room. Were we brave, or just very, very stupid?"
Bill looked over at Percy and Charlie with a grin and whispered, "I'd say a bit of both!" Percy just opened and closed his mouth several times, and Charlie was making a concerted effort to every get every last morsel of treacle tart off his plate.
"Oh, I remember another one," Molly added, "That night we had prefect duty and were patrolling the seventh floor. It was after hours, even for us, and Pringle was on a rampage. We paced back and forth in the corridor, and lo and behold, there was the Room of Requirement."
Arthur snorted. "That was unbelievable."
Molly collapsed with laughter against his chest and continued, "All those gadgets and appliances. I had no idea what most of that stuff was. Most embarrassing!"
"Nice bed, though," Arthur said dreamily.
Brushing tears of laughter from her face, Molly slapped him playfully on the shoulder. In the other room, Charlie covered his face with his hands, and Percy studied his teacup with inordinate fascination. Bill had practically slid off his chair.
Molly and Arthur looked at each other and grinned. Then, at the same time, they exclaimed, "The prefects' bathroom!" Percy's head hit the table with a barely audible thud.
Arthur laughed explosively. "Those damned bubbles!"
"I loved those bubbles, Arthur. I never understoond why you hated them so."
Arthur snorted, "Made me smell like a girl." Then he wrapped his arms around Molly and added, "Besides, with all the bubbles, I couldn't see what I was doing. I like to be able to see what I'm doing." Then he kissed her fervently.
Percy almost moaned. "I didn't want to know that. I really didn't want to know that." Bill only nodded his head in agreement, and Charlie started stuffing his serviette in his mouth.
Arthur looked down at Molly affectionately for a moment, then he asked, "Where's your favorite place to make love, dear?"
Molly looked around the grim parlor of Grimmauld Place, with the bleak, dreary furnishings, and sighed. She put her head on Arthur's shoulder and said quietly, "At home, in our own bed."
He held her close and said, "We'll be home soon, I promise you." Then his mouth twitched at the corners. "Say, love, you know that chair by the hearth upstairs in our room here?"
Molly looked at him with an arched brow. "Not a chair, Arthur. I'm too old for that!" Arthur laughed, then shook his head and whispered something in her ear that made her smile. She leaned over to kiss him, and with a faint pop, the two of them Disapparated together, presumably someplace more private.
In the dining room, Bill scooted back his chair with a loud scrape and began pacing the floor in an agitated manner. Charlie spat out his serviette and guffawed, and Percy, with his head still down, began beating the table with his fist, shaking with silent mirth. But before any of them could speak, the door to the parlor was thrown open, and their younger siblings, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny bustled in.
"Where are Mum and Dad?" Ginny asked, "We want to wish them a happy anniversary."
Fred and George chimed in sarcastically, "Yes, indeedy. Where are those two paragons of conjugal bliss?" Their tone clearly indicated that they fully believed their parents were most likely off somewhere playing a rousing game of wizard chess to celebrate.
At that, the three oldest Weasleys burst into uncontrollable laughter. Percy looked at the younger ones and said, "I think they might be, erm, busy right now."
Then Charlie put in, "I'd say definitely busy." Bill just nodded.
Ron looked at them skeptically. "Perce, why in the bloody hell are you lot turning so red about the ears? It's not like they're upstairs banging away on each other or anything. They're too old for that sort of rubbish. Where are they, for Merlin's sake?"
Bill and Charlie cleared their throats and walked over jerkily to different windows and peered studiously out the curtains. Percy, red-faced, just looked down at his shoes and said with a grin, "You don't want to know that. Trust me, you really don't want to know that."