A humorfic by Mugetsu, a.k.a. Weazul
AUTHOR'S NOTE: this is not an MST, it does make fun of other fics, but it doesn't name names or use lines from fics. If you've written fanfic bad enough to be alluded to in this it's your own fault for not researching more about the fandom before writing fics for it or your own fault for creating a Sue. If you recognize anything from a fic you have wrote and are upset about it, consider this as constructive criticism.
Thunder crashed. Lightning flashed. And suddenly, out of nowhere, six forms landed in a field that somehow managed to have a working computer in the middle of it. Don't ask how the computer works in the middle of nowhere; just chalk it up to the miracle of authorspace.
Five of the six forms were lupine, one white, one grey with a scar on his chest, one russet brown with bracelets on a foreleg, one golden brown with a collar, one black. The sixth was a young lady with pale skin and pale lavender hair. These were, obviously, since this IS a Wolf's Rain fic, Kiba, Tsume, Toboe, Hige, Blue, and Cheza.
The group looked around in confuzzlement. Finally, Hige voiced what everyone was thinking, "What the hell? Where are we?"
"How the hell should I know," Tsume snapped irritably.
"There's something over there," Kiba said, as he noticed the computer. "Let's go check it out."
They approached the computer.
"Hey, it's a computer!" Hige exclaimed.
"What's one doing out here in the middle of nowhere?" Blue asked.
"Hey, there's some writing on the screen!" Toboe exclaimed.
They all looked at the computer screen and read the open webpage on it:
Welcome to Mugetsu's authorspace. Do not ask how you suddenly became literate or how Cheza can read this and operate the computer when she's supposed to be blind, or how this computer even works out here. These are but minor plotholes compared to what you may see shortly.
What will happen is I will set 3 fanfics before you and then I will record your reaction. It seems your fandom is woefully ignorant of the workings of the Wolf's Rain universe and woefully ignorant of proper writing techniques. Since they refuse to listen to reason, I resort to these measures.
This may be torture to you, and I apologize for this, but it's for the sake of the fandom...
The first fic I put before you is an unfinished multipart badfic.
Click here to continue...
The wolves and the flower maiden sat there for a moment, nervous to the point they weren't sure if they should continue.
"We better get this over with," Kiba said. "Go ahead and click it, Cheza."
"This one wants this to be over with, as well," Cheza said as she clicked the link. The wolves all watched and scanned the fic, looks of confusion and terror flashed on their faces.
"WTF!" Kiba said as he scanned the fic again. "Since when can we shapeshift!?"
"Better yet, WHY would we want to become human?" Tsume added.
Kiba nodded an affirmative. "We're wolves. It's bad enough we have to put on a human illusion to go unnoticed. If we had to BECOME human..." Kiba shuddered.
"WTF!" Hige exclaimed. "I never knew you were that ancient, Tsume. 25... geeze... most wolves have keeled over when they were more than a decade younger than that!"
"Shut up, chubby," Tsume growled irritably. "I'm not old, I'm not even 4 yet!"
"Heh, why should I shut up, geezer?"
"Why you!" Tsume prepared to lunge, but Cheza stopped him.
"This one thinks you should save your anger for whoever wrote this fic." Tsume snorted and sat down and looked at the fic again.
"WTF?!" Tsume gasped. "Why the hell would I suddenly go ga-ga over a she wolf like that? And mating with her and having pups so soon! Was she even in season? And why would I mate with a wolf in a human form even if I COULD shapeshift?"
"I don't think the author even cares about thinks like that, Tsume," Toboe answered.
"The runt is probably right," Blue agreed.
"Feh," Tsume shook his head in annoyance.
"WTF!" Blue said in shock. "What self-respecting dog, let alone wolf, would name their pup after a fabric softener mascot!?"
"I'd be embarrassed to claim a pup named that as my own." Tsume growled. "Heck, I'd maul my mate for even suggesting a name like that unless it was a joke!"
"I think it's a cute name," Toboe said, softly. "If you take the "Bear" part off of it at least..."
"You would, runt," Hige laughed.
Suddenly the page on the computer changed again on it's own, even though half the fic remained unread.
From here on it gets worse to the point I won't subject you to it any further. The next fic is thankfully short, but just as disturbing.
Click here to continue...
Cheza clicked the link and everyone waited nervously for the next fic to pop up. They scanned the fic warily, and found it just as disturbing as the previous, although some found it more disturbing than others.
"Looks like this one has Blue envy," Hige commented.
"WTF!!!" Blue exclaimed, now even more nervous than before. "This wolfdog!Sue wants to take over my life!"
"Don't worry," Hige said, nuzzling her. "She may steal your scenes, but she won't steal me from you."
"This one wonders what point there is in describing tattoos that are hidden by clothing," Cheza said confused.
"WTF is up with the complicated background?" Kiba asked. "Does the writer think a complicated past like that makes her character more special?"
"And why would pops take in another dog like that, let alone a wolfdog?" Blue asked. "It's not like he didn't have enough sense to recognize I probably had some wolf in me, even if I didn't realize it until Cheza awoke that part in me. And he only had me because his kid found me as a pup."
"WTF!" Toboe said, blinking. "Since where were wolves psychic?"
"Since the author decided they were," Blue answered flatly.
"WTF!" Blue nearly yelled. "Since when was it that easy to hill Jagara's wolf hunters!?! I had trouble even knocking one out!"
"This one thinks the writer just wants her wolfdog to be especially good at fighting."
"WTF? More shapeshifting!?" Kiba said, confused. "How do they come to the conclusion we shapeshift, anyhow? It's not like we've ever done anything a wolf couldn't do."
"Who knows," Hige shrugged.
They stared at the page a little while longer, and again it changed suddenly on it's own.
That's all for this one. The next is only one chapter long and has potential to be good. Unfortunately lack of paying attention to canon and problems with word choice still make this quite disturbing.
Click here to continue...
They read thru the fic once, then twice, trying to decipher what was going on.
"WTF," Cheza said suddenly. "This one does not eat food. This one eats sunlight, moonlight, and water. This one also takes in water by soaking it up. This one is just a flower that happens to look like a human."
"Whoa, shapeshifting alert - again," Hige announced.
"WTF?" Toboe commented. "A glossary for Japanese words at the end? Aren't you suppose to stick to one language, or, if you do use a second language in a piece of writing use it sparingly?"
"You'd think so," Tsume agreed.
"Where DO they come up with this?" Blue sighed.
"Their demented minds?" Hige offers.
Kiba sighs. "Have we ever once been shown getting food from humans? Have we ever once carried food around?"
"Cole gave us some food she got from humans in a bag, remember?" Toboe said.
"How could I forget!" Hige answered.
"But her pack was weird, they didn't act like normal wolves," Tsume added. "The worked like dogs for the humans."
"Obviously that doesn't matter to the writers," Kiba replied shortly.
Again the page changed.
This is done. For now, at any rate. You may get pulled back here if the fandom remains clueless, however. Pray that they wise up and pay attention, and I will do the same. Farewell, wolves and flower, I hope I needn't bring you back here...
"Damn," Kiba muttered. "That was..."
"Painful," Toboe finished.
"Traumatizing," Hige finished.
"Shit," Tsume finished.
"Bad," Blue finished.
"This one hopes this is over for good," Cheza added. The wolves nodded in agreement.
-the end... or is it?