Tada! I'm back! Well he's the first chapter of my first story. Read and enjoy!
Ch. 1: My Instrumentality
"Rei? Rei Ayanami?" I hear a voice say.
I open my eyes to see who has spoken my name but no one is there. I am all alone in an endless expanse of white. It is impossible to tell if I am floating or standing, going up or down, left or right. This place is cold and lonely. No one is here for me to listen to. I like hearing others voices. It's . . . comforting. When I hear others speak I know I'm not alone. I can't please others either. It . . . it feels right when I . . . I please others. It's programmed . . . into my soul . . . my very being. And I . . . like it. As I look around feeling lonely and isolated I hear the voice again, "Do you really want that?"
This time I am sure someone is there. For the first time in my life panic seizes me. I'm afraid . . . Afraid the voice will leave me in isolation. "Where are you? Please don't leave me!" I implore my voice betraying my fear.
I don't want the voice to leave me. I want the voice to stay and keep me company. I need some direction in this strange place. I like it when others give me orders. It lets me know I'm important. "I am here. Don't worry I won't leave you unless you tell me to." The voice assures me.
I quickly regain control of me emotions. In my calm state I realize I recognize the voice of the other presence. At first I can't figure out who this other presence is. I had only heard it once before. Soon there was no doubt in my mind who it is. "Lilith?"
In a burst of golden light Lilith appears before me. The light makes it hard to see her well but I could make out a figure that looks like a young woman with graceful flowing blue hair. This must be Lilith's true form from before Adam stabbed her with the lance of Longinous I realize. She is smiling at me and warm comforting glows surround and envelop her. I had never imagined her this way. She seems so happy. I have never known what it's like to feel happy I realize. I wonder what its like. I gaze at Lilith wishing she would tell me. "Do you really want that?" Lilith asks again.
What do you mean?
Asuka, she doesn't like that you follow orders all of the time. She calls you a doll. So why do you want to keep obeying others?"
True, Sohyu, she doesn't like it when I try to do things for her. A brainless doll is what she calls me. I try to tell her I am not a doll but she just laughs at me. Why?
"Do you want her to like you?"
"Then why are you so worried about her approval?"
"I . . . don't . . ."
"It's because you want her to like you, isn't it?"
"Do you want her to like you?"
"Sohyu . . . she has the respect of others and is like by all . . . including myself. She has worth not just importance. Importance, this is all I have."
"Do you want worth?"
"What is worth? What is worth to you?" "Worth is . . . it's hard to describe . . . it's about being more than important. It's about liking something but it's also about respect. I guess it's the both combined. I am only worthy of myself.
"Why not others?"
"Because of what I am, I am an artificial being with a fake soul. I was created by a man to serve him."
"But you have your own freewill. You are no different than the angels or humans so why are you not worthy of others?"
"I . . . don't . . ."
"Yes you do."
"Because . . . I was created for the good of the word, no one has to like me for me to be important."
"Do you want to be important?"
"Yes . . . but not . . . like this."
"I . . ."
"I want to be important . . . for who I am . . . not for the reason I exist."
"What is the reason you exist?"
"To save the world from the angels and then destroy everything in the third impact reuniting Commander Ikari with his wife in the process."
"Do you want to exist merely for that?"
"What do you want?"
"I don't know."
"Liar! You shouldn't lie like that!"
"What do you want?"
"I am thinking. . ."
"Don't think just say what you want from the bottom of your heart."
"I want . . . friends . . . ."
"Do you want friends like Shinji?"
I can see Ikari-kun's's smiling face in my mind. "Why don't you try smiling Rei?" He asks.
I can't help it. Before I know it I'm smiling back at him. I feel . . . happy, truly happy at this moment. I understand now happiness can't be described only experienced. Slowly his face fades away and I can see Lilith again. She beams at me. "Asuka too?"
Now I can see Asuka's face in my mind. "Hey, wonder girl. You say you're not a doll but I don't believe you. So prove it! Show me you're no ones puppet."
"I will, Asuka."
Then Asuka's face is gone and I'm back with Lilith.
I can see Commander Ikari's stone cold gaze staring at me. I could see now what the second me had learned before her death. Commander Ikari cared nothing for me. I had been his puppet all along. Suddenly I could no longer stand looking at him. "No!"
One by one the tears begin to fall from my eyes. I had known about how the commander had used the others. I had always assumed I wasn't one of them. Now I could see that he had used me most of all. It hurt it hurt so badly.
"What do you want?"
"I want to stop crying, for this pain to go away. I don't understand it. It's so strong."
"I see so you're afraid of emotion."
"How can you have friends if you shy away from emotion? Misato, Ritsuko, and all of the others, You do want them to be your friends right?"
As Lilith says their name I can see their faces in my mind. Then my gaze focuses on Lilith. "You can have that you know. All you have to do is reach out to them. Don't be afraid of your feelings."
"Really? Is it that easy?"
"Is there anything else you want?"
I hesitate to speak because I'm afraid that what I'm about to say will make me sound greedy but it is something I've been wanting very badly for some time now so I decide to say it anyway. "I . . . I want to be . . . happy . . . truly happy."
"You can have that as well. All you have to do is find what makes you happy. But you must find it for yourself. No one else can."
"But what if I can't find what makes me happy?"
"Don't worry you will find it. You have more power than you think you do."
"Yes. Just remember only you can decide what is right and what you want."
"Yes I understand."
"Yes. You do."
"Is there any thing else you wish to know?"
"Yes, what have I, we, done to the earth through third impact?"
"Close your eyes and you shall see."
When I opened my eyes, I was standing, no floating, over what use to be the heart of Tokyo III. Most of the buildings had been disintegrated and what was still standing was in shambles. Far off in the distance I could see the remains of Eva unit two carelessly strewn on the ground. I took a deep breath and bit my lip as struggled not to cry. This was worse than I had thought it would be. It turned around to see the ocean behind me and was greeted by the sight of my own face. I floated above everything dominating the sky line. In my hand rested the pearl of life. I looked so calm, peaceful, and unaware of the pain I'd caused. It was sickening. Turned away and closed my eyes willing myself no to throw up.
When I opened my eyes I was back in front of Lilith. "Did you like what you saw?"
"The world, it's so full of pain and suffering yet I sand there smiling placidly like nothings wrong. Everyone's gone and the world has been reduced to rubble. How can I be so calm?"
"I see. You dislike the idea of destroying the world but did you consider the possibility that it was time for humanity to start again?"
"Was the chance for renewal worth the cost?"
"That will be for humanity to decide. None the less, that is what they are left with and it will be up to them to work with it."
"What will the angels do?"
"I can not speak for the others but I will help them in any way I can."
"Very well, I shall help as well but what about the others? Where are they now?"
"Their souls were sent to the Room of Gauf to rest for all eternity but we have awaked them by third impact so we will be taking to them soon."
Lilith left, apparently have no more to say. Moments later I could feel our consciences recombining. Once again the voices of the humans hummed through my head as they moved about in their own private escape from reality. "No!" I want to go back!" Shouted a voice.
It was Ikari-kun. He wanted to return to his human form even if it met he would have to face the pain and insecurity. I knew this would be the end of me. Unless I joined the other souls I would be destroyed as the humans got back their bodies. Suddenly I could feel Lilith's presence forcing me out.
I tried to fight back but she shoved me in to an abysmal dark vortex. Slowly my mind began to fade out until everything went black.
When I regained consciousness I was floating over a large pool of LCL. A cross from me was myself. "What do you want?" I demanded.
"You know why I'm here, Ayanami." The angel me reached out and touched the side of my face. "Come, you are one of us. It is time to return to where you belong young one."
I smacked the hand away. "No."
"Do be reasonable now. Why do continue to act as if you are one of those pathetic humans? Wouldn't it be nice to be one? It could be very, very pleasant."
I stopped myself as my arm was reaching toward my angel self. "No."
The angel leaned foreword and kissed me on the cheek then angel me disappeared. Darkness took over and everything went blank.
A large wave of LCL rolled my body onto the beach. I laid there motionless as I watched Lilith disappear on the horizon. Instrumentality was over and she was bearing the brunt of its undoing. I hadn't thought of it before now but Lilith was in one sense my mother and now I was letting her suffer. I had always been told that the angels where the enemy though which meant that that didn't matter. Suddenly Lilith's voice echoed through my head, ". . . only you can decide what's right and what you want." Lilith was telling me I could make my own decisions. I was terrified too though because the concept was completely alien to me. I wasn't sure if I even should. However Lilith had faith in me. That meant more than words to me that someone actually trusted me enough to do what I wanted, to be the one and only me. I wasn't the only me however. There where two others known as Rei Ayanami, two other me's. The first told others secrets and the second, she loved Shinji Ikari. Wait a second I wasn't anything like the other two. I wasn't a gossiper nor did I love Shinji. I was different than the other Rei Ayanami's which meant that it really must be okay to be myself. I kind of liked the way that sounded. I felt like a release from the chains of my life. I was ready now to do what I wanted and make my own decisions. I closed my eyes and willed my strength to Lilith hoping it would keep her alive.
As my strength left me I could feel the tiredness creep in. By the time I was done I wanted nothing but to go to sleep. Slowly I waded into the LCL and caught a piece of floating metal. I climbed up on top of it and laid down on it like a bed. I watched the orangeish sky above me for several minutes before my eye became too heavy to keep open. Hours later a voice awoke me, "Rei?"
I opened my eyes to see Kaworu staring down at me.