To say I went a little to the dark part of my mind (the bigger, more complex part) when I wrote this story would probably be an understatement. This story is so A.U. it's off the map: characters act differently to the canon universe, so don't come crying to me if it upsets you.

This story should not be read by anyone who is easily offended by sexual innuendo or references.

You have been warned!

Andromeda Noir

"Beka, over here!" Rommie called out across the nearly empty officer's mess, "Be nice to have someone to sit with."

"Dylan not up yet?" The First Officer asked, making her way across the room to the table by the wall.

"Oh I dare says he's up, just not out of bed." Rommie smiled, lighting a long, thin cigarette, "He's having one last thrust with his latest conquest before he sends her on her way."

"I've never understood this open relationship the two of you have." Beka shook her head, "If I ever thought, even for a moment, that Telemachus was cheating on me..."

"You don't have to worry Beka: the entire crew knows and fears your wrath. As for Dylan and I: if he wants to screw his way through half the Argosy, that's up to him." Rommie smiled coyly, "And it's no accident that I'm always there to comfort those poor women who find themselves humped-and-dumped by their captain..."

"Rommie, please, you know that look freaks me out."

"Beka: you know that for you my door is always open. Among other things..."


"Sorry: it's just such fun to see you organics squirm like that. Anyone would think that you could reproduce without sex."

"Somehow I have a problem seeing what Dylan's done to half the women on this ship having anything to do with procreation."

"True. Maybe that's what he sees in me: we can do anything we want, and never have to worry about any consequences."

"Unless the Triumvirs find out he's been screwing his ship's A.I."

"Beka, I thought you had more faith in me than that? They already know my dear, but I have enough evidence of their own dirty little secrets to keep them quiet."

"And all this because you talked Harper into cutting out some of your behavioral restraints. How did you get him to do that anyway?"

"I gave him the one thing he's always wanted: me."


"One rather quick and disappointing screw on his old bunk on the Maru, and our little Engineer is in my pocket; as long as he thinks there's a possibility of a repeat, he'll do anything I say."

"And Trance doesn't mind?"

"Trance, above all people, knows that the chances of me allowing Harper to live out his sick little fantasies again is so close to zero as to be nonexistent."

"Lucky girl."

"I wouldn't say that: he's not very well, shall we say, equipped?"

"I feel sick..."

"That's just the morning sickness: it'll pass."

"So they keep telling me. Aren't you ever worried that Dylan will ever fall for one of his 'conquests' and leave you?"

"Never happen."

"You seem very sure."

"Beka, I'm the ship's A.I: I can have anyone I want transferred off this ship."

"Have you ever done that?"

"Yes, but it's just one of the many options available to me."


"Do you really want to know?"


"Ok: remember a few weeks back we had that security alert about a Restorian spy onboard?"

"Yeah: they dragged her off in chains. She was screaming all the time that it was a setup."

"I overheard her tell her roommate that she was going to steal Dylan away from me if it was the last thing she did."

"You set her up?"

"I'm a warship Beka: I deal with everything as if it was a threat to be taken out. Anyway, it was better than the backup plan."

"Dare I even ask?"

"A little corrosion on a catwalk support, created by carefully programmed nano-bots, would have sent her crashing to the bottom of the slipstream core. I decided that life imprisonment was kinder."

"Rommie, you're starting to scare me..."

"Oh you have nothing to be afraid off: Dylan has no interest in you what so ever, so you're safe. From him..."


"Relax Captain Valentine; I've never felt the need to resort to rape. Anyway, I must be off: Dylan's just told his little friend that it would never work out between them, and she's run crying back to her quarters. I think she could use a shoulder to cry on, among other things..."

"You're all heart."

"Believe me, her heart is the last thing I'm interested in: last night with Dylan was her first time, and she evidently believed that he truly cared for her. Emotionally crushed newly deflowered virgins are always open to new experiences, if the idea's put to them right."

"I thought you said you'd never felt the need to resort to rape?"

"It's not rape when they think it's their idea Beka. Try it sometime: you might be surprised."



"Maybe, later tonight, we could, possibly, try out a few things?"

"Let me guess: Telemachus is acting like a typical Nietzschean male, and has lot interest in sex since you fell pregnant?"


"I'll see you on the Maru at eight."

"Thank you."

"Thank me later. Right now I have a sexually confused woman to take advantage of..."

The End