By: BahamasCay (at)


"How to Sack a Port Without Firing a Shot'

Rated: G (Humor - No Pairing)

Summary: Jack explains exactly how one goes about 'sacking' Nassau without firing a shot! Short, Complete. You may need a bit of 'off kilter' logic when Jack Sparrow is involved!

Chapter 1:

It all began one quiet morning when we were sailing in the Northern end of the Bahamas, minding our own business and not bothering a single soul....

T'was quite by accident that I spotted the small rowboat adrift in the open sea, with what appeared to be one lone and solitary passenger, and a rather stately one at that! Being a gentleman, of course I had us stop by and see what assistance we could lend. As it turned out, it was the lovely Mrs. Katrina Wells, wife of the commanding Admiral stationed at the time at Nassau. How she had come to be there is a rather long and involved tale, but suffice it to say our ship was a bit more seaworthy than her own vessel! She quite readily accepted my invitation to join us aboard the Pearl.

We set sail for Nassau, only to find ourselves made most unwelcome by the big and rather raucous guns at the fort there! Of course we had been wise enough to anchor outside of their range, and I graciously invited Mrs. Wells to join me on deck where the soldiers could be reassured as to her safety.

She was a bit frightened when at first I drew my pistol, but I had been planning on cleaning it and there was certainly no need not to then. What with the rude reception we had received, it did indeed even seem like a good idea at the moment! And, we most assuredly had the time! She was quite safe with me, there on the deck, in full view of every military man for leagues around.

If anything, I was only protecting her virtue, by keeping her close at my side and in full view of them all! Instantly, the firing from the fort ceased and next we knew, a rowboat approached. The nice gentleman in it said that he had been sent to inquire as to what we would consider suitable exchange for the surrender of said formidible matron!

Well, I could hardly be expected to turn down such an wonderful offer! Tis a matter of a gentleman's honor! To do something in appreciation for such an unexpected blessing as our arrival upon said poor unfortunate woman when we did, is only a matter of good manners! Such favors are exchanged all the time between men of honor upon land, and it was a bit out of our way to bring her so near. It was downright polite of them - and there WAS the matter of the insult with which we had been greeted in that harbor!

I merely told them to tell the Admiral that it would be greatly appreciated by my crew if he were to reward us with 'equal substance and true value'. I never once demanded her weight in gold - times ten – that is nothing but a lie perpetuated by such low down, mangy betrayers as belong in that deepest circle of hell! Besides, the woman may have seemed a bit overfond of her desserts, judging by her size, but I would never even dream to voice such an insult! I may be a wee bit dishonest at times, but I am a gentleman after all!

The Admiral was most generous in the reward he bestowed upon my self and my crew! Why, they must have had to empty every coffer in the entire town to reward us so handsomely! My crew was loathe to see the lovely matron depart from our midst, but the sacks full of gold, silver, jewels and the many kegs of rum helped to ease their disappointment.

I myself personally situated said stately matron upon the small wink of an atoll just beyond the harbor. It was not long until dawn would break and I knew she would provide an excusable distraction for the Admiral and his Navy men who would be first inclined to chase after us. Any woman clad in only their bloomers and undergarments, awash ankle deep in the very rapidly rising tide, DOES tend to give rise to the 'heroic tendency' in men. And the remarkable size of her bloomers made her quite noticable! I was almost tempted to go back and 'save her' my self!

I even made sure she was quite secure there! I made very certain that no wave would wash her away! I am perfectly capable of tying a good sailors' knot, I'll have you know! All the extra rope involved was just to make sure the dear lady did not float away! We couldn't have that!

And the sharks fin?

Well, we didn't want said gentlemen to pass her by, all caught up in the heat of pursuit and let the poor dear catch her death of cold! I am quite certain that as soon as they got close enough, she shouted over to them, that it was merely a bit of metal well tied to a log buried in the sand nearby.

True, they would have to remove her gag first to make heads or tails of what she was saying - but I am sure she was trying to tell them from the very instant she caught sight of them!

Kidnapping, Robbery, Extortion and Depravation? Leaving her to the mercy of the elements? HAH!!!!

I did NOT Sack the Port of Nassau – yes, it was delivered to us IN sacks, but actually, we were MERELY the ones doing the UN-sacking!

T'was the Admiral himself who 'sacked' the town and - and here they render such litigious charges against me and mine!

Some people just have NO comprehension of the term 'Gratitude'!

From the Log Book of Captain Jack Sparrow : 'The Tales of the Black Pearl'