Disclaimer:

I own a turquoise backpack, a class ring, and a ton of lava lamps, but still absolutely nothing or no one from Harry Potter. That's all J.K. Rowlings, though I do aspire to follow in her footsteps one day.

Authors Note:

Here ya' Go! The real chapter one! But we'll call it Chapter 2 to prevent confusion...Cuz according to it is chapter 2 since it is the second installment. Alas! I will have to alter my chapter assignments to appease a computer. As promised, here's a link. You can have the rest later. If you prefer to see this on a nice shiny Xanga site, then go

That's where I will also be posting this story. Unfortunately, it doesn't have as many nifty fan benefits as this site (where innocent bystanders will find me) But it's prettier...

Chapter 1

Trouble Down South

September 28

Friday

11:30 PM

Well, I'm gonna head down to the dungeons. Maybe some people will be down there already. Besides, I got to slip by the kitchens and make sure the house elves know when to bring out the booz. Maybe even slip em' a few sickles to make sure this never finds its way to the ministry, ya' know? I'll bring this handy dandy notebook with me and write in it when I get a chance again.

Friday/Saturday (Whatever.)

12:15 AM

Well, the entire staff now thinks I've gone completely bonkers. A couple of chasers and they wont think much of anything. Heh heh...

But I do wish someone would do something. So far I am the only one to have drunk anything!

WAIT!

No, Filch was just scratching his balls. I am beginning to believe I may have to do something drastic...Naked Time?

1:00AM

No Naked Time...erm...luckily. But finally that nervous wreck of a DaDa teacher Quirrell made a move. Surprised...

No, really, I am...I was more expecting him to piss himself than get drunk. He started muttering to himself incoherently then stumbled forward in a completely transparent attempt at being "cool" ::scoff:: Loser...

But I suppose I must credit him at least with being the first to actually do more than just stare at the alcohol. Much better than Snape who keeps bitching and sneering that it's his dungeon and we are invading his personal space.

He's just mad because the new DaDa teacher is less of a pussy than he is. Maybe I will torchure him with that later. Ha ha! I love withholding that job from him and then giving it to the most completely incompetent person possible. Maybe next year I will give it to Rita Skeeter.

Oh! Even better! Gilderoy Lockhart! That twit wouldn't know a banshee from his mother-in-laws- garter belt.

1:15AM

Oh Yeah! Trelawney just started going on about how the fates informed her that he destiny was to get drunk tonight. ::cough:: Magic 8 Ball ::cough:: But hell! Whatever gets the party started, eh?

Now...where's that terribly cliché party pooper...Ah! There she is! Minerva McGonagalls standing over in the corner with her arms crossed and her lips looking like she just ate a Warhead...Man I love those...sour little Muggle sweets...mmmm...But seriously, she is like an overgrown Hermione Granger.

Now don't get me wrong, she is bright as hell and all, but my god what a tight ass. Seriously, if I ever catch her breaking a rule, I think I will award her 5 points to Gryffindor. Heh. Better make sure to do it while Severus is around.

2:45AM

Someone remind me why I ever hired that psychopath crazy old bat Trelawney? Everyone finally loosens up a tad and starts drinking and dancing and talking, and she deems it necessary to ruin the mood by shrieking about 'the dark lord being present'. I had always suspected that she was doing some serious hallucinogens, but now there isn't a doubt in my mind.

On second thought, maybe I should pay attention. That's what I do afterall isn't it? Notice things like this and take them seriously when everyone else dismisses them as nonsense? Come to think of it...Quirrell did seem nervous...I mean more than usual...

NOTE TO SELF: Pretend to care

Luckily, or unluckily, I'm not quite sure, Madam Hooh decided that what was needed to calm everyone's nerves was for her to strip tease to the Weird Sisters. I joined her.

What?!?!?! It seemed like fun! I'm not dead yet!

But poor little Flitwick...he curled up in the corner and hid behind a napkin he was so terrified. Then he ate it. Ok...weird...

3:30AM

Well, I'm drunk piss...Piss drunk...

Snape keeps putting weird potions in all the drinks in some kind of drunken revenge for us taking over his dungeon. But everyone's too piss drunk to notice. Drunk piss? I pity the dumb fool who...

Ack!

Alcohol's not usually purple is it? I mean...is it? THAT BASTARD! I'm probably going to sprout an extra arm or something.

Ah Well...Madam Pomfrey can fix me up tomorrow. She's brilliant.

5:15AM

Damn that incompetent hag! Damn her! I will get you for this Pomfrey!

We all decided to head off around 4AM and Pomfrey kindly offered to administer some anti-hangover potion.

Right...anti-hangover potion which turned out to be a very powerful laxative. I was up all night with the shits and I am STILL going to have a hangover tomorrow. But man was that fun! We should all do this more often.

September 29th

Saturday

3:00PM

Dear Lord...no...please still be drunk, please still be drunk...

Okay, I just woke up, performed a little headache spell, reread last nights events, and then went to take a piss. Well, when I looked down, I thought I saw what appeared to be the beginnings of...and extra penis...

3:05PM

Okay, just double checked, and yes, I appear to be growing an extra penis...

Sprout and extra arm my ass! I am going to kill Snape! I am going to sneak into his dungeon and hex all his robes to be fuchsia! Damn him! Damn him! DAMN HIM!

Damn him and his purple alcohol!

But, I've got even more problems, upon reading last nights account, I see that I...erm...strip teased...But what's been plaguing me is how much?

Well, I think I need a cold shower to rid myself of the shock of finding that I am twice the man I was last night. Heh heh...this might not actually be so bad.

September 30th

Sunday

5:00PM

Madam Hooch keeps winking at me...

Well, I had about 3million owls to answer today from dumb ass Fudge. I mean, what is this world coming to if he is minister and needs help from me?!?!?! I don't even know how to make smores for Merlins sake!

But, I finally made it out of my room for dinner, and the awkward and slightly disgusted looks I am getting from my colleagues tell me I may have taken the strip tease a little too far. Honestly! I'm in pretty good shape for an old man!

The only one who doesn't seem disgusted is Hooch...and she keeps winking at me. It's kinda freaking me out.

Okay Albus, focus on the pumpkin Juice! Focus! Look how orange...dear God was that double wink?!?! Ack! Focus!

In other news, McGonagall has been walking around shooting scornful looks at the lot of us. Someone still has a wand up their ass...Snape keeps sneering, but I suppose that is nothing from the usual, and Trelawney seems unusually secluded...she hurried down, ate, then hurried away. Ding bat is probably still freaked that the dark lord is among us...

October 1st

Monday

7:00PM

This extra wang is becoming a bit of a problem... it has grown rather large (kinda like the original. Heh heh. What? I'm serious! I'm not the most famous wizard of the century for no reason now am I?)

But seriously. It is obscuring my walking. I have to kinda keep my legs spread apart a little while I walk. Looks like I am waddling. Or like I really do have a wand up may ass.

October 4th

Thursday

3:15PM

Okay...I have spent the better part of the last three days trying to hex this thing off. Nothing works. NOTHING! I suppose I could go see Madam Pomfrey...but could you imagine the conversation?!?!?!

"Hey Madam Pomfrey? How are you? The thing is, I seem to have grown an extra penis...could you please get rid of it for me as it is obscuring my daily walking patterns?"

Exactly. I don't think so. There has to be something I can do.

In other news, every time I hobble down to a meal, Madam Hooch winks at me again. What...the...hell...

I am seriously beginning to wonder what exactly went on while we were strip teasing together. I suppose I could ask Madam Pomfrey when I go to get my second dick removed. Hah! Fat chance...