Something different from the usual fluff I write, it's a bit of angst. I felt for poor Colette when she seemed convinced she was useless. I just had to write something, and angst seemed appropriate. Be warned, it's very dark angst, as she's very depressed, hence the high rating.
It's not set in any specific place or time in the game as I don't think it would fit in, however it would be some time after Colette makes it known she thinks she's useless and around a place like Flanor, where it's very cold and snow falls on a regular basis if that helps you at all.
SPOILER WARNING: MAJOR spoilers in this one about the way Colette feels, and about how her world regeneration journey goes. Colette feeling totally and utterly useless not ring a bell? Don't know how the journey goes? Haven't been around a lot of Tethe'alla? If you answered no to some or all those questions and want to avoid spoilers LOOK AWAY NOW. Thanks :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. I like writing about it a lot, I like the game a lot, but I don't own it
Colette had no idea what time it was, other than a time when everyone else was asleep. But she herself couldn't sleep. Her mind raced around and around, each thought confirming more definitely that she was a failure and a burden.
She left her warm but thoroughly rumpled bed and wandered outside.
It was snowing. She'd loved snow when she was younger. It was rare that she saw it, but when it did make an appearance it was the perfect excuse for her and Lloyd to go and play. Staying outside for as long as they could, playing with the mysterious, cold substance until they had to concede defeat to the temperature and rush inside to sit by the fire with a warm drink.
No more doing that now though. Lloyd had plenty of friends now, not just her and Genis, and they were all better than her. They could do their jobs. They didn't keep failing and endangering everyone as she had.
He didn't need her any more, none of them did. She was being selfish just being around them, no doubt some danger connected to her would present itself to the group at the soonest opportunity. But then, she thought, she'd always been selfish. There were times when she'd wished she wasn't the Chosen, that she was just a normal girl living a normal life in the sleepy village where she'd grown up.
Perhaps it was because she'd had those selfish thoughts that she had failed. Perhaps because she hadn't gratefully accepted the honour of being the one who was to save their dying world, to become an angel who would ensure the survival of her world's people, that she had been punished.
Whether that was the case or not she was certain that she had failed, she was a worthless Chosen. No use for anything other than tripping up and getting in the way.
She felt a heavy, cold pain in her chest. Like she imagined she'd feel if one of their enemies stabbed a sharp sword through her heart and allowed the freezing cold of the snow to penetrate her wound into her heart and soul.
She howled, a pure sound of total and utter pain. The noise was so animal like she frightened some of the pet dogs in the area, who whimpered and barked their fear of this horrid, inhuman sound.
Colette dropped to her knees and pounded her fists on the cold, hard ground, not noticing the pain she should be feeling. She couldn't even go for a walk without making poor, harmless dogs think they were in danger, which they probably were, she was around wasn't she.
She howled again, unable to keep the sound and emotion inside of herself. She screamed and yelled until she had used every last ounce of energy in her small, worthless body.
She curled closer to the ground, none of her muscles fighting against gravity now. Snow continued to fall, as it always seemed to in this place. She didn't care, she couldn't even feel it now really. She was vaguely aware the snow around her was becoming deeper, but it didn't seem to matter. Nothing mattered.
The next thing she knew she was being slapped on the face and her name was being yelled loudly.
"Whaaaaaa?" she said groggily, not entirely sure what was going on. Her eyes slowly began to focus and she saw Zelos looking at her with a concerned look on his face.
"You awake?" he asked urgently. She gave a small nod and realised her body was stiff all over and she ached with pain. She shuddered as she felt the familiar effects of first aid being performed on her, but she blacked out again before it seemed to have any effect.
The next time she woke up Raine was there as well as Zelos. She felt more spells being performed on her by the two healers, but she wondered why they were bothering, she just wanted to sleep. She was being a pain again. Maybe if she gave in to unconsciousness again they'd just let her be and stop worrying about her she thought as the darkness took her a further time.
She was indoors when her eyes opened and focused again. She got the feeling that she was being gently rocked back and forth slowly, and could hear a loud, fast heartbeat against one ear. Another sound came to her ears.
"Colette, wake up, please, oh god please, Colette wake up," over and over again mixed in with the sound of sobbing.
"Lloyd?" she wondered aloud quietly.
"Colette?" she felt herself being moved a bit and she saw the face the voice belonged to. It was Lloyd. His eyes were red, he'd been crying.
"Oh Colette!" he cried, gripping her tightly in a warm embrace. She could feel his body shaking as he continued to cry. "What the hell did you do that for?"
"I, I'm being a burden again, I'm making you cry, please, I'm sorry Lloyd, please stop, I'm not worth crying over," she said.
"NOT WORTH CRYING OVER?" he screamed, and she recognised pain in his voice. "Colette," he lowered his voice and turned her so he was looking into her eyes. "Don't you EVER dare say anything like that again,"
"But I'm not, I'm just a worthless Chosen who can't do anything right, can't do the thing I was born to do, can't even look after my friends, they're always having to look out for me and keep getting in danger because of me, can't"
She stopped mid sentence as unexpected pain hit her. She hadn't been slapped very hard, but the fact that Lloyd had hit her at all was enough to shock her out of her rant. He'd never, ever done anything to hurt her before.
His eyes widened in horror as he realised what he'd done. It had been a reflex action."Oh god Colette, I'm sorry," he moaned. He pulled her close to him. "I'm so sorry, Colette, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry,"
"It's OK," she said. She was still wondering why people were showing concern for her.
"No it's not OK. I never want to hurt you," Lloyd said firmly.
"It doesn't matter," she said. She felt him grip some of the loose material of her nightshirt in his mouth to muffle the howl of a scream he let out that seemed to go on forever. Colette recognised that sound. She'd made it herself not long ago.
"Lloyd, I," she started.
"Don't," he pleaded, his eyes desperately begging her not to continue. "Don't you dare say something like what you've been saying. How can you?" he started sobbing violently again, and she could barely hear him when he said "you're so important to me, how could you say things like that?"
Colette thought about what she'd heard deeply while Lloyd continued to sob against her. That couldn't be right, if she caused him so much hassle and trouble and pain she couldn't be important to him could she? But a tiny part of her thought she knew some of the feelings he experienced. She certainly knew the pain he'd expressed with that scream just now. And she knew that, if it came to a question of her life or his she'd give hers up without a second thought. That's why she'd gone along with the world regeneration journey. So that her life could be given so that people could live, and be happy.
But she'd even failed that. She was a useless Chosen wasn't she?
She felt so confused. And a wave of exhaustion came over her. She thought she'd better warn Lloyd before she fell asleep again. She didn't want him to worry, she'd made him worry too much already, and he clearly would worry if she blacked out again.
"Lloyd, I want to sleep again," she said. She felt his muscles stiffen up with tension.
"Promise me you'll wake up again," he looked directly into her eyes again, the desperately worried and panicked look in his own, same as before. She saw how important it was to him.
"I promise," she said, before sleep engulfed her once more.
She slept properly that time. She woke in a different place again, although Lloyd was still next to her. Someone, who knew, perhaps even Lloyd himself had carried her, had put them into a warm, comfortable bed which the pair were now curled up in.
She lay still and listened to Lloyd's breathing and his heartbeat. It was clear he wasn't sleeping deeply, even though he must be exhausted. He was curled protectively around her, her back curved along his chest and his arm around her, holding her close to him. She shifted slightly so she could see his face and her movement woke him up.
"You're awake," he sighed, absolute relief clear in his voice. "Oh Colette, I was so afraid," he breathed, tears welling up in his eyes. This time, however, she didn't tell him not to bother, that she wasn't worth it. She just turned to nuzzle her head onto his chest and gripped him tightly as they both cried, letting out deep, raw emotional pain, each teardrop carrying more away.
Eventually Lloyd's sobs slowed down enough for him to speak.
"Please, Colette, please please please don't ever leave me. You mean so much to me, if you weren't around I, I," he started to cry harder again. She nuzzled him, her own tears not yet under control, and waited patiently for him to be ready to continue.
"When they brought you in last night, and you were so cold, and so lifeless, I was so afraid. I was afraid I'd lose you, and a part of me felt like I was dying," he sobbed. "Please, Colette, I, I, I love you," he said nuzzling her. "Please don't take the person who means the most to me in this world away from me!"
Colette looked into his eyes, her vision was terribly blurred with tears but she could see he was sincere. She had an overwhelming desire to live, so long as she could always be with Lloyd. She tried to say something, but all she could do was continue to cry. As an answer to what he'd said she simply gripped him as tightly as she could, nuzzled her damp cheek his chest and said his name with all the love she felt for him between sobs.