Lost

--or—

The Horrendous X-over Fic FROM HELL

A/NAs you know, Dominic Monaghan (Merry) is going to be on ABC's new show, Lost, that premieres on Sept.22. Oh... wait... sorry, -ahem- I forgot that only the Merry fangirls like me know that... and we're a rare breed.-sighs- Ah well... call it publicity, then! They'll probably kill him off first or something, knowing my luck, though... -ahem- Anyways, I digress. I got to thinking about the show (after thinking quite a bit about Dominic, that is... -drools-). Basically, the premise is that a plane full of strangers crashes on the island and become stranded. And you know that that'll create more drama than Survivor any day. Well, my slightly demented fangirl (Hey! That's the only thing I'm a fangirl over... really! I'm just a fan/obsessed with all my other hobbies.) mind got to working. Yes, I had done crossovers before, but none could compare to one of these proportions. What if the characters from all our favorite (and least favorite) categories had the same thing happen to them. Screw Survivor parodies—this is like that and Gilligan's Island rolled into one big ball of dementia! All I can say is beware the sugar-high history of my stories... this could get out of hand.

Chapter One- What have I done to deserve this????

-Legolas' POV-

It had began as a fairly normal day, Legolas mused, of course, nothing stayed normal for long when he encountered sugar-high authors...it was either one thing or another: slash and his hair getting made fun of, and even, he shuddered to think, hordes of fangirls had become everyday occurrences since the Lord of the Rings movies had been released on that horrible planet, Earth. And then the letter had come. He should have suspected...

-Several weeks earlier-

He had been sitting quietly in his room, making sure that his hair was perfectly in place for a photo shoot. The fangirls all but expected him to now... and frankly, it was a bloody nuisance.

"Aragorn definitely got the better end of the deal: grungy hair, a kingship, and a romantic interest. Frodo and Gandalf all but disappeared effectively, Merry and Pippin got blended into one super-hobbit, Sam got married (go figure...), Boromir is "dead", and Gimli can hide underground." He grimaced to himself, "Lucky..."

Mirkwood and Rivendell had recently become the stalking grounds of several hundred fangirls from Earth (who knows how they got there...) waiting for him to come out of hiding. He sighed and went back to blow-drying his hair for the eightieth time, for his hair actually frizzed horribly normally. That's what you got for trying to look good in the public eye during the Counsel of Elrond. Expectation. He gave the blow-dryer an evil look and resumed the process, ignoring the pain in his arm from holding the damned thing so long. Just as he had finished the last section, a large owl came flying in from the outside corridor and landed on his head in a flurry of wings. His hours of work ruined, he seriously considered drawing his bow and arrow on the bird... until he noticed the letter tied to the bird's leg. Upon first impression, he had a horribly foreboding instinct to ignore the owl, but little-by-little, his curiosity overcame him. He untied the letter and opened the seal.

CONGRATULATIONS, PRINCE LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!

YOU HAVE REACHED THE ONE MILLION FANGIRL-MARK!

WE AT THE BPA (BISHOUNEN PROTECTION AGENCY) HAVE ACKNOWLEGDED YOUR STATUS WITH THIS ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OFFER! YOU AND THE GUESTS OF YOUR CHOICE HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE AN ALL-EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO SUNNY ONÉ PACSÉ ISLAND, A TROPICAL ISLAND ON EARTH DESERTED OF FANGIRLS!

REPLY AT ONCE TO BOOK YOUR RESERVATION BEFORE SUPPLIES RUN OUT! DON'T MISS OUT!

THE BISHOUNEN PROTECTION AGENCY

Highly disturbed, Legolas gaped at the letter for quite some time. True, he probably had reached the one-million-fangirl mark, but this reeked of a trap set by them. Still... it was intriguing. Suddenly, a brilliant idea came to him. He rummaged through the corners of his chamber until he emerged with eight pieces of parchment. Each held the whereabouts of the members of the Fellowship. Grinning evilly, he reached for a quill and tactfully wrote out invitations to each of his unsuspecting friends. If he was going to walk into a trap, might as well drag his companions down, too. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that they constantly shot down his complaints about popularity with good-natured scorn, saying that he was the lucky one. Noooo... nothing at all. But—being ambushed by fangirls on an island could be good for them. With a feeling of great satisfaction, he began composing his letter to the BPA requesting ten tickets and tied it to the leg of the impatient owl, who was now hopping around Legolas' vanity, puncturing holes in his various bottles of styling tonics. Calling for a courier, he dismissed the owl with a hand motion, and within moments, a servant came sprinting up the stairwell.

"Yes, my lord?" She said with an automatic sugary sweet smile and a wink before she noticed his rat's nest of hair. A look of pure horror crossed her face.

Dear Valar. They had even invaded the castle staff...

"I'd like you to request a messenger to send these letters out. A very swift messenger."

"Y-Y-Yes, mi'lord." She said, a trace of a shudder barely apparent in her voice.

He stretched out onto his bed, ignoring the fact that he had an appointment in less than five minutes.

"Revenge is sweet..." He sighed happily, basking in his happy little afterglow.

Part Two: Hey! Look! It's mail! For me!

Harry Potter groaned and rolled over in bed to look at his alarm clock. The green letters flashed 2:34 AM with a mocking pulse.

Damn it! He silently cursed.

He had missed his birthday. Ms. Rowling was sure to be angry. Every year, She lectured him on how important it was to be extremely dejected on his birthdays. She said that it was important for fostering "reader relation and pity". This was bad. She had the whole house monitored. Of course, She said that it was because he was Her muse and She had to have unlimited surveillance of him, but he called it being Her slave. It was a mater of moments before She'd know and he'd be punished. And Her punishments were nothing to scoff at... for (though no one really knew besides him) She was the reason his summers were always miserable. The Dursleys had tolerated him before She had come. After that, they went out of their way to be dreadful to him. It was like She took a sadistic pleasure in torturing him. He heard the fluttering of wings, and braced himself for the Howler that was to come (the first phase of punishment). He peered at the owl that was perched outside his window nearsightedly and groped for his glasses. It certainly didn't look like a Howler that it had tied to its leg... He opened the window quickly, for fear of any other owls coming in, and untied the letter from the hopping owl's leg, who quickly set out to find a way to become as much of a nuisance as possible. Harry, however, didn't even take notice when it went into a dive-bombing rampage around his room. The letter held his attention with the strength of super-glue. He was never allowed mail from anyone besides Hagrid, Hogwarts, Ron, and Hermione.

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been determined a candidate for the WPP (Witness Protection Program), as a certain Mr. Lord Voldemort has been stalking you for your involvement in the case of his near-death. We will be relocating you and four others stalked by this criminal to an island called Oné Pacsé, where you will begin your new lives. All educational provisions will be taken care of by the WPP in conjunction with Albus Dumbledore. You will be shipped a ticket and further information in less than one week for your journey.

Yours Sincerely,

Agent Smith of the WPP

FINALLY! He exulted silently.

He could take Voldemort, but at least he'd be away from the hell-hole that She had made out of his life. Though, he had to admit, that it was highly unlikely that even the government would be so behind as to enter him into the WPP over fifteen years after the fact. Not even logic could ruin the news, however. Within minutes, he was leaping around his room in rapture.

IT'S MINE! he grinned in silent triumph, FREEDOM!

A/N- Whew... yes, this was really weird. Even for my standards. –grins- But the first part is kind of like an exposition showing what REALLY happens to our favorite characters during their off-time. Just wait until they all get onto the plane... my normal slapstick chaos will certainly be incurred... Be afraid. Next chapter: POTC and two less-than-favorite series will be introduced into the tangled web. Now... go be kind to the periwinkle box... it's calling you...

Periwinkle Box: I'm so loooonely... write in me! Come on, click me! You know you want to...