Preface: Why hello, there! After watching a marathon of Jay and Silent Bob movies, I decided to make this fic, it's about the gang dealing with Sid about his filthy potty mouth!! I tried take make this fanfic just like the TV show, which means it is short, funny and witty, yet it has subtle moral values imbedded in it. I hope I did it right, and you won't find it too tasteless. I rated it PG-13 just to be on the safe side. And regarding the theme of this fic, well, I know it is vulgar, but hey, if Spongebob Squarepants and The Powerpuff Girls did it, why can't I?
Legal junk: I don't own Hey Arnold, but Nickelodeon does and Mr. Craig Bartlett created it. But this fic belongs to me. Clear? Good.
"Boy howdy, I can't wait to watch this!" Sid exclaimed happily as he walked down the sidewalk, looking at a DVD movie titled 'Ray and Quiet Norb' (no relations with Jay and Silent Bob), the movie every teenager had been talking about. "Man, what a great guy that cousin of mine, lending me this movie." Sid's cousin was a high school senior, and because he liked Sid so much that he practically let Sid lend almost everything he owns, since he trusted him. He thought if he watched the movie, he would be just as cool as any other teenager on the block. Just a couple of blocks to his house, Sid quickly hastened his pace and eventually ran at full speed. He burst through the door to his house, and he did not even bother to close it back, but in the end the door closed on its own. Still on full speed, he rushed upwards to the second floor, stomping the stairs like an elephant. His father at the living room was very annoyed by the behavior.
"SID! How many times have I told you not to run on the stairs?!!" he yelled at him, but it was ignored by Sid. He scoffed, and continued to read the newspaper. "Crazy kid…"
In his room, Sid quickly popped the DVD into his videogame console (that can also be use as a DVD player) so he could watch it on his small, 17" television. Ignoring the R rating that was pasted at the back of the box, he began to play he movie and enjoyed it. He laughed hysterically at every single joke, commented on every stupid thing that the actors did, and cheered when the protagonist accomplished something heroic. Little that he knows, the filthy words in the movie had slowly begun to corrupt his mind…
On the next day, Sid waited at the bus stop, getting ready for school. As he waited for the bus, he had this sensational tingling feeling on his lips, telling him to utter the words that he had 'learned' from watching that movie yesterday. He couldn't wait to say them to his friends, because he thought they would be impressed if he said those words to them, and would instantaneously make him cool! The bus arrived and he climbed aboard. After he deposited the fare, he walked to the seats behind. Arnold, Gerald, Stinky, Rhonda, Nadine and Lila were at the very back of the bus, but the first person he saw was Phoebe, with Helga sitting behind her. Realizing this was a great opportunity to test out the newly founded words, he casually walked towards Phoebe and looked at her with a suave smile.
"Salutations, Sid. My, aren't you happy today." Phoebe greeted sweetly.
"Sid smiled back, and said to her, "Good ----ing morning, -----. You look happy yourself Pheebs." He said with a beaming smile, oblivious to the words he had said.
Phoebe gasped and placed his hand over her mouth. She was extremely shocked at Sid's choices of words just now. Her lips began to quiver, her eyes began to moist and finally she cried with her hands clasping over her head, being extremely insulted and degraded by his comment. Sid was taken aback, being quizzical at the sudden display at emotion.
"Crimeny, Sid, what did you do to her?" Helga scolded to him as she tried to console Phoebe. She wasn't aware what Sid just said to her because she was too preoccupied with the view outside.
"Nothing…" he replied unmindfully with a guilty voice as he shrugged, "I just greeted her 'Good Morning,' that's all."
"Well, from the looks of her you just said a lot more than simple 'good morning.' Now get out of my sight before I kick your butt!" She yelled at him as she pointed to seats at the back. Still puzzled at Phoebe, he decided to join with the rest of the gang. He decided to use the words again.
"Hey guys. How the ---- are you today?" he said with a wide smile. The gang's jaws dropped all the way to the floor in flabbergasted shock and incredulity, as Sid grinning broadly, being proud at the words he just uttered.
"Man, look at them. They are so impressed that they lost on words to say anything!"
Sid decided to sit next to Rhonda. She darted away from him slightly, as if he was afraid of him. That wasn't Sid. Sid was a nice, okay guy, not some crazy monster who said incredibly insulting words to people, she thought. He detected the expression on her face, and he decided to calm her down by saying the newly found words again to her.
"Hey there -----, how you doin'?" he said suavely, "Say, you look tense and ----. Is there's something ----ing wrong with you?"
"Eww… get away from me, freak!" she said in disgust as she shoved him away.
"Now what's wrong?" Sid asked, still being ignorant of the words he just said.
"Uh… Sid, do you have any idea what you just said?" Arnold interjected.
"Of course I do!" he retorted back, "I'm using a cool word as an intensive to emphasize and intensify my sentences! All the cool guys are doing it!"
"Yeah… in BIZZARO world…" Lila muttered her breath.
On the school playground, Arnold and Gerald was on top of the monkey bars, as they surveyed around the playground and saw Sid continuously saying string of profanities at some of the kids playing with him. Arnold and Gerald felt revolted and could only shake their heads in disbelief.
"Mmph. Mmph. Mmph" Gerald hummed in disgust. "That kid is way over the line. Just look at what he did to poor Phoebe this morning."
"Something must be done." Arnold said to him, "if he goes on and on saying those… words, he's going to get into so much trouble."
"I hear ya man. Well, any ideas, maestro?"
"I'm thinking about it, Gerald. Ideas don't come up just like that-" he snapped his fingers, "-you know."
"Well, whatever you're planning on doing, you'd better do it quick, because the way I see it, Sid is going to lose a lot of friends if keeps on saying those abomination of words." Gerald said worriedly, and both gazed back at the playground and saw their friends walking away from Sid, because they were all feeling disgusted at him.
"Hey… where the ---- are you guys going? C'mon, let's play some dodgeball over here!" everyone on the playground ignored him as they uttered some clean words of resentment about him, "Well, ---- you guys then!" he angrily yelled at them disappointingly.
"Dang it Sid, even my grandpa doesn't curse a blue streak like you do!" Stinky yelled at him.
Back at the monkey bars, "You have any suggestions, Gerald?" Arnold asked after he shook his head.
The bell rang, and after Sid cooled himself after drinking from the drinking fountain, he walked over to his class, but he stumble upon Principle Wartz as he walked by.
"Good afternoon, Sid." The principal greeted.
"Good ----ing afternoon to you Principal Wartz." Sid replied nonchalantly.
Principal Wartz stopped at his tracks, completely dumbfounded at Sid's words. He turned around and pointed to him accusingly.
"You there, boy with the green cap. Stop right now this very instant." He ordered, "What did you just say to me, young man?" he demanded angrily.
"Uh… I greeted you?" he replied sheepishly, "Is that a crime or something?"
"The way you say it, it should be. For disrespecting and displaying a rude behavior to a distinguished member of the school faculty such as myself, I will see to it that you will get detention for two weeks."
"DETENTION FOR TWO WEEKS?!" Sid exploded loudly, "WHAT THE ---- DID I DO!?"
Principal Wartz lowered his eyebrow in disbelief as he looked at him with his eyes widened, "Make that three weeks."
"WHAT THE ----?! HOLY ---- THREE WEEKS?!" he exploded again.
"YOUNG MAN, ARE YOU INTIMIDATING ME?! That's it, one month's worth of detention and not a single word from you ever again, DO YOU understand me?!" Principal Wartz flew into a rage, gazed at him with extreme fury. Sid could not fight back, and went into silence as he glared back angrily at him, trying to prove that he didn't do anything wrong. He felt that Wartz did this to him because he was still bitter over the soap incident a few months ago. He then walked away from him, but still harboring hatred towards him. Sid made his way to his classroom, only to be greeted by his teacher, Mr. Simmons who was about to teach the class. His classmates glared at him, as if he was guilty of murder.
"Ah, Sid. I'm glad you finally decided to join us. Where have you been?" he asked.
"That mother----ing ---hole Principal Wartz held me without any ----ing reason at all, Mr. Simmons. What a nerve!" The whole class was as taken aback and shocked at Sid's choice of word. A lot of them gasped and some of them even fainted and fell down to the floor because they were too shocked.
"Uh… well… okay…" Mr. Simmons stuttered. "I can see… why he held you…" he said as he rubbed his neck, "Uh, Sid… can I talk to you later after class?" he asked, and he took a couple of tablets of aspirins to cure his headache.
After school, Sid walked forlornly to the bus stop. Nobody would want to talk to him, let alone standing near him as they waited for the bus to arrive. He gazed at Helga and Phoebe, but the glared back and averted their eyes away from him. He went to Stinky, but he ran away and joined Harold and Rhonda in an engaging conversation about life, the universe, and everything. And there was Nadine. Sid shot to her a weak smile, but she was too reluctant to reply the smile back. She lowered her head as if she was trying to say "I'm sorry" to him, and walked over to Rhonda, hiding her face behind hers.
It was the final straw. He felt that his plan had backfired. He was supposed to be cool, but he didn't. Everybody now seemed to hate him, for some extremely obvious and apparent reason that himself seemed to be oblivious about it. Heck, even his best friend Stinky had been avoiding him! He just didn't understand what went wrong. As he was standing alone at the bus stand, he saw Arnold and Gerald walking over to him. Finally, at least he had someone to talk with.
"How the talk with Mr. Simmons went?" Arnold asked to Sid.
"He said that I shouldn't use the words I mentioned. I don't ----ing understand, what's so wrong with them? It's not like I'm insulting them or something."
Arnold and Gerald could only roll their eyes.
"I mean, my cousin said it, my uncle said it, and ----, even my dad said it – only when he accidentally struck him thumb with a hammer or when the commercials are on, anyway, so I don't see what's wrong with it. Besides it's ----ing cool to say it nowadays. Even movie stars say it in the movies all the time."
"Okay, Sid," Arnold said, motioning his hand to emphasize, "first of all stop saying those words to me, they're burning my ears."
"Aw ----, not you too…"
"I'm serious Sid, don't you ever say those words in front of me again, okay?" He said again, with a more hardened, more serious tone, and Sid nodded at him.
"And secondly, I want you to follow me to the library, there's something that I want to show you."
"Finally, Sid…" Gerald interjected, "you're a pal and all, but I'd appreciate it if you won't say those words in front of Timberly ever again, okay man? It's… bad influence, ya know what I mean? I just hope she won't say them in front of my parents tonight…"
All three of them arrived at the local public library, and they surveyed around in search for a place to sit. Gerald on the other hand took a different direction and walked over to a section called 'References.' Arnold and Sid finally found a place to seat next to a large window.
"Okay we're at the library, what the ---- are we supposed to do now?"
"Sid…" Arnold said in a warning voice.
"Oh, yeah… sorry. What do we do now?"
"Remember when I asked whether you actually know what you just said this morning?" they both saw Gerald walking over to them holding a large book.
"Yeah, sorta… what about it?"
"Well, Sid…" Gerald said as he gave him a large, heavy dictionary, "why don't you read the meanings to the 'new' words you just discovered to us?"
Sid shrugged, took the dictionary from him and opened the book on the table. At first, he searched for the a-word.
"A vulgar slang?!" he said incredulously as he looked at his two pals. They both nodded at him. Sid continued onward reading it. "The buttocks, a domesticated donkey and even an ancient Roman coin made out of copper?!" he continued. "Whoa…"
"Try the next one," Arnold said.
"A female dog?!" Oh no… what did I just said to Phoebe…" Sid said to himself completely guilt ridden. Gerald nodded softly, feeling that he finally made his point, "and there's more," he added. "A lewd, offensive slang for a woman?" Sid said again confoundedly, "Oh my gosh… what have I done? I wonder how Phoebe, Rhonda, Nadine, Lila, Helga and Sheena felt when I said this to them… they must be upset and offended by it
"And here's the infamous F-word that you said," Arnold pointed at yet another word on the dictionary.
"It's a vulgar slang, which means…" Sid tried to avoid using the word 'sex', "'to do whoopee in bed,' to use in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal, and a despised person…" he read softly in sadness. "WHAT KIND OF MONSTER AM I?!" he finally shouted out loud with his fists high in the air and started to sob, and he got shushed by the librarian and other library users.
Arnold wanted to make sure that Sid got the message, "And here's the word—"
"Enough, man! I get the picture!" Sid quickly cut him off. "I'm such a horrible person…" he sobbed with his head pressing against his crossed arms on the table. Arnold and Gerald's had accomplished their mission to teach the ignorant, and they looked at each other with a satisfactory smirk. Gerald patted Sid's back to calm him down, "There, there man. Everybody screwed up at least once in their lifetime."
Sid sniffed, he wiped his nose with his sleeve, and laid back all the way back on his seat as he looked upwards to the ceiling, "I feel guilty… a lot." He said morosely. "I feel the need… no, I must apologize to all our friends… but how am I supposed to do it?"
"I think I just have the right idea!" Arnold exclaimed.
And so on the next day in class, the students waited for Mr. Simmons to come into the room and educate them. Inside, everybody avoided Sid. They were with each other as they looked at him, whispering among them something not nice about him. Sid was looking forlornly and dejectedly, as he scanned around the classroom saw and his own friends shunning him. Hopefully, with the suggestion that he took from Arnold yesterday, the class would welcome him back with open arms.
A few moments later, Mr. Simmons came into the class with Arnold followed him from behind. "Class, I have a very 'special' announcement to make. Arnold here has just informed me that Sid," Mr. Simmons said, stressing his name, "wants to say a few words before we begin our class." And with that, the class groaned in aggravation.
"What are you going to do, Sid? Curse us to death?" Helga shot at him spitefully as well sarcastically.
"Sid, Helga is right, surprisingly. I want no potty mouth when you're up here." He warned as he pointed to the front of the classroom.
"No, sir I won't." he said as he got up from his seat and walked over to the podium. Arnold and Gerald gave him a thumbs up to support him, and he replied it with a weak smile. The other students, on the other hand, were clenching their teeth in anger, waving their fists in rage, and pounded their fist in their palms.
Sid gulped in terror, but he bravely continued forward. At the podium, he cleared his throat, took a paper out from his pocket, unfolded it and started to read.
My dearest friends, classmates and colleagues, I stand before you to sincerely beg for your forgiveness and in hope that you will accept this as a formal apology to all of you whom I have offended, hurt and scarred your feelings. I did this out of ignorance, unawareness and act on my own stupidity. I know that each and every one of you are a very dignified person and it is unacceptable for all of you to be insulted with such foul words that I've said, because I believe that every one of you are the nicest, sweetest, most caring and the most kind hearted person that I have the privilege to hang out and be friends with.
I could tell by your looks, that all of you are very ticked off and are very displeased at me. So please, I implore to all of you, if you could please find that special place deep inside your heart, to forgive me and perhaps, we could start over again?
Sid finished it off as he looked and scanned around the classroom. His friends were still glaring at him. Harold pounded his fist into his palm. Rhonda scoffed at him, thinking that he wasn't being sincere. Helga was cracking her 'Ol' Betsy and the Five Avengers', Nadine looked at him with pity, not knowing what to say. Sid hung his head, thinking that even this heartfelt apology they did not steer or change their mind. He saw Phoebe with her head lowered down, contemplating about something. He saw Arnold and Gerald, also sympathize for him. Phoebe then raised her head, looked at him and said,
"I forgive you, Sid." Phoebe said, smiling softly. The class was taken aback.
Sid was glad and in relief, and smiled at her back softly. "If Phoebe here says that she's okay with you," Helga said as she pointed to her with her thumb, "well I guess I'm okay with you." She motioned her hands, "BUT just don't push it!" she continued warningly.
"Well, if you that sincere, I guess… aw, why not?" Rhonda said kindly.
"You know Sid, I really wanted to pound you after school, buh-b-but after you said all those nice things to us, I'm gonna have to say, that you're okay!"
"What he sayed Stinky interjected as he pointed to Harold.
And everyone in the class started to warm to Sid. Every one of them accepted Sid's apology. Arnold and Gerald's plan had worked! They then did their secret handshake for the job well done. Nadine beamed at him, and Sid gazed back at her with a warm smile. Mr. Simmons was glad to see that all of his students were all kind hearted and willing to forget the past altogether. But the class was nearly in a state of chaos. Mr. Simmons quickly asked them to settle down.
"Okay children, calm down." He ordered, and the class became quiet again. He walked over to Sid and placed his hand on his shoulder, "I think we've all learned a very special lesson today that cursing, swearing and the use of bad words is absolutely unnecessary, and not to mention rude and impolite – so I hope that all of you will restrain yourself from using those words ever, okay?"
"Oh yes I will, Mr. Simmons. I sure have learned my lesson!" Sid replied, put up his hand and said, "I vow from this day onwards, I will not say any foul words in any languages whatsoever, in front, to play jokes on, or to offend my friends or my family," he swore as if he was reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Mr. Simmons nodded at his sincerity.
"Well, at least until middle school…" Sid shrugged, motioning his hands outwards with a sheepish grin.
"H--- yeah, you got that right, Sid." Helga concurred, and everybody gasped at her. "What? It's a perfectly acceptable word to say!"
"Only in certain time and places Helga, and this is neither the right time nor right place to say it, you got that young lady?" Mr. Simmons scolded her. "Okay Sid, get back to your seat so I can start teaching." Sid walked off and gave Arnold and Gerald a thumbs up and a wink. They both replied the gesture back. Mr. Simmons grabbed a chalk on his table, but as soon he tapped the board, the chalk broke.
"Oh, ----." He cursed softly, but was heard by everyone in the class.
"Hey everyone! Mr. Simmons said a bad word!!" Curly accused him loudly at all of his classmates as he pointed his finger to him.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!!" he said, waving his hands to the class to prove that he made a mistake, "What I meant to say was, 'sheet', no wait, 'shoot,' no, 'sugar'!!"
"Mr. Simmons…" the whole class reacted in chorus.
If you guys look really close, there's some Gerald-Phoebe and Sid-Nadine stuff I've put in it. Anyway, thanks for reading and please write reviews and point the errors and mistakes!