A generic new trainer fic… Ace Sanchez already did this, and his version is undoubtedly better, but I wanted to try my hand at humor again…
Now, I posted this because I had a good review on
WARNING: If you like Mary-Sue, please leaev now.

Started 5/18/04

Emerald: Yay!

Phantomness: Now be good, or I'll feed you to Lance's Dragonite.

Lance: .

Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon, as it belongs to Nintendo and Shogakukan Comics. This is non-profit, non-copyright infringing fanfic written by me so I own it…

Warnings: NT bashing, humor, self-insertion

Unlike most NT fics, I actually spell and grammar checked…

Title: Perfectly miserable

On a lovely, bright, sunny day in Pallet Town, young Ravena Ruby Roxanne Clarissa Sakura Marina Lilac Hikari, sister to the famous Gambit of the X-men, Ash's loved first cousin, Misty's half-aunt, and Brock's future girlfriend, stretched luxuriously and woke up.


She put a dainty hand to her lips in quivering fear, but then reminded herself that Professor Oak would give her the best pokemon.

Then, she walked to the bathroom, in a lovely pastel shimmery silver bathrobe, combed out her long, white hair that fell to the ground, and changed into her tight sparkly pink jeans and white pikachu tank top, and tiptoed across the road and up the hill to Professor Oak's lab.

"Ah, Ravena dear. I have your pokemon here for you. It's a Mew!"

"Oh, I am forever indebted to you Professor Oak!" Ravena said in a lovely, birdsong-reminiscent voice.

The good old man had taken care of her ever since her parents had wasted away when she was but a child, and when Morty and Will and Bugsy and Eusine and Drake and Ash and even Misty had been so overcome by their love for her that they had tried to rape her five months ago.

Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears at the horrible memory.

Professor Oak patted her on the back and slipped $10000 into her backpack along with six more pokemon.

Moltres. Shiny Flareon. Flygon. Shiny Arcanine. Zapdos. Articuno.

Ravena hugged him before she left. Down by the exit, a crowd of well wishers and friends cried and begged her not to leave.

"Oh, thank you so much." She said in a warm, bright smiling voice, as many boys swooned. "But I must go out into the world and do noble things for the good of all. I must save all our lives!"

"Yes, Ravena." The crowd sobbed.

Swallowing her tears, Ravena proudly marched out into the tall grass.

She saw a girl with messy black hair sitting by the road, so being the kind soul she was, decided to help.


Sensing that the person would not give her a large reward or eternal gratitude and worship or another rare pokemon, she walked on.

"Stop." A raspy voice said.

Now, Ravena looked elegantly shocked that someone had actually spoken to her! And without any overtones of love and respect! She was supposed to initiate the conversation!

Still, managing to look very composed and well bred as she idly smoothed down the diamonds in her necklace of the universe, she waited.

The ugly girl with glasses stood there. "You are going to become a pokemon master, aren't you?"

"Are you stupid?" Ravena asked, before realizing she had stepped outside the boundaries of perfection. Coughing a bit, she uttered a spell to wipe the girl's memory, (learned after 7.8 rounds of hot steamy loving with Harry Potter) and then gave a charming giggle.

"But of course!" She batted her long, gorgeous eyelashes.

"Then you should stop by the Phantom Gym."

"How quaint!" Ravena simpered. She could just imagine the leader, a tall, blonde, lonely male who needed her to warm his heart.

"Follow me."

"No, thank you." Ravena said. "I couldn't possibly walk through that swamp without a boyfriend!"

The girl rolled her eyes. "Fine by me…I'll be waiting…" She wiped her glasses on her grimy sweatshirt and walked off.

"Well..." Ravena mentioned. "She wasn't even good 'best friend foil' material. Oh well. I'll just go back to Pallet and pick up as many as my admirers as possible!"

She tossed her long, shimmery, wavy, tangle-free hair, picked her way across the grass. The dirt and mud and grass shied away from her, clearing a lovely path.

Back in Pallet, after the Shopkeeper had given her a lovely gold-embroidered kimono which she now wore as she daintily tripped towards the gym, avoiding the swamp, she was followed by her two best friends, Josephine and Heather.

Neither was pokemon trainer, but that did not matter. They were there to reflect her glory for the good of all!

Soon, Ravena reached the Phantom gym. Ash was standing outside.


"Ravena!" Ash said, as he gave her a luscious kiss on the lips and put an arm around her. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"What's wrong, my dear cousin?" Ravena asked.

"Oh, it's horrible!" Ash cried into her perfectly shaped breasts. "Pikachu can't beat the leader's pokemon!"

"Do not worry, Ash!" Ravena said dramatically, kissing him heatedly back. "I shall avenge you."

She winked at him. "I'll be seeing you tonight."

With a little sway of her rounded hips she was gone.

Ash swooned and stared after her with hearts for eyes.

Ravena boldly but at the same time with an adorable scared air opened the door to the gym.

It was lit, very poorly, inside by garish orange lamps

A girl with matted hair, huge dark circles under her eyes, thick turtle-shell glasses, and a laptop was fast asleep on the platform.

"Tch." Ravena said, before she started poking the trainer with a stick, which she hid immediately as soon as the girl woke up.

"Mm…let me go back to sleep, aniki…"

"I challenge you for the Phantom Badge!" Ravena proclaimed. "For dishonoring my family, you shall pay!"

"Or…" Ravena lowered her voice. "There's an easier way for me to get this badge?"

She made a seductive turn of her hips.

"Gak! I'm not gay!" Phantomness said, jumping to her feet. "If it's a battle you want it's a battle you'll get! But I'm warning you, I'm not a self-insertion for nothing!"

"In the looks department you are severely lacking."

"That means nothing to an author with a Gameshark." Phantomness said, bending over and coughing as another fit hit her. Damn, forgot to take my vitamin pills… and I only got an hour of sleep last night, oh well… that won't stop me…

"Mew, let's avenge our family!"

Mew first proclaimed her undying love for Ravena, before taking her position, floating gracefully on the field.

Phantomness yawned. "Well then…"

The laptop glowed, and Ravena instinctively reached for her eleven-inches holly and phoenix feather-twin to Harry Potter's wand to shield.

It was not needed.

The pokemon that emerged – was it even a pokemon – was black in color, but faint and wispy.

Was it a ghost?

Well, she would defeat it no matter what!

"Mew, use Psychic." Ravena trilled.

The psychic hit, and went through the pokemon.

"Shadow, use Hypnosis…" Phantomness yawned, taking a sip of water. Her fingers tapped out more keys on the laptop.

All of a sudden, the mist solidified into the form of an Espeon, before a Hypnosis attack put Mew to sleep.

"Dream Eater."

"No! You can't beat my Mew!" Ravena yelled, losing her control. "It's not fair!"

"I'm a self-insertion… I can't lose…" Phantomness explained.

"I don't believe you." Ravena said. "Moltres! Articuno! Zapdos! Attack!"

"But that's why I have Missingno in my fic." Phantomness explained, summoning the tentacle beast.

Ravena screamed.

"Well, that's that…"


That was when the door to the gym burst open and every single male and almost every female in the vicinity of the anime series attacked.

"Good lord." Phantomness muttered. "I knew Mary-Sues were powerful, but this is just ridiculous."

Vulpix-chan yawned. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm an authoress…" Phantomness declared, "And I don't give up. There's one way to end this!" She hit the Delete Key.


I know, it's not as good as Acey's but I had fun writing it! -
Completed 6/5/04