Summary: It's not only PMS that makes girls cranky - sometimes, it's also the unavoidable consequences of it. Hogwarts is shivering in the hands of a PMSed werewolf and an army of females.
A/N: Okay, so what pisses me today? PMS? Nil. The direct consequences of that? You bet.
My stomach is not puffy. Instead, it is aching. I'm in pain. My head is aching, too. And we're completely out of painkillers, and as it is Sunday, it's impossible to even beg my parents to buy some. Even Mum doesn't seem to understand me. Honestly, can five or six months of pregnancy make you so completely forget what this Hell is like? I hate her. I hate everyone!
Plus, Save the Hybrid still has only four chapters, while Switching Sides has six. Are you purposefully trying to piss me off, Akasha? And why, oh, why do people have to flame my stories, anyway? I put up warnings! I don't force them to read my fics! What have I done to them? And in HP and the Era of Darkness, one of my precious plotlines has disappeared because Lupin and Black have disappeared, and Zane tried to spoil the last one, too! And one of Minna's kittens is dead, AND it just cannot rain all the time like I'd want but just five minutes at time, AND nobody's reviewing PtBor The Blackbird or Vampirity-series, AND I cannot contact Airiel, AND NOBODY LIKES ME!
(Oh, and in my Potterverse, witches don't have their menopause until in the age of a hundred. So, female professors and students want revenge alike.)
As this is an AU anyway, let's just say that all characters from OotP are there (except Umbridge) but Harry's on his fifth year in Hogwarts. Oh, and Remus is the DADA teacher, and Sirius teaches Muggle Studies (as if he knew anything about that...). Savvy? I don't have to be reasonable! I only want REVENGE!
THIS FICLET IS DECICATED TO MimiRose in Fiction Alley, who reviewed at least thirty of my fics there.
"I am NOT coming out!" echoed a furious yell through the door.
"Don't be childish, Remus," Sirius sighed. "Of course you have to come out. You have lessons to teach."
"But I don't want to come out!" roared the werewolf. He was seemingly not going to come out very soon.
Sirius sighed again, this time without words. He'd stood in front of the door of his friend's quarters for half an hour now. The classes would begin in five minutes, they both had students waiting for them - and Remus would not come out of his rooms.
"Be reasonable, Moony," he pleaded. "Why on Earth cannot you come out?"
"Because I don't want to!" replied Remus, his voice getting an almost whining tone. "They will all laugh at me and hate me! And we're supposed to handle the Great Werewolf Hunt of the 14th century today and I DON'T WANT TO TELL THEM ABOUT THAT!"
Sighing again, Sirius shook his head. "Remus, you have to tell them that sooner or later. Why don't you get it done as soon as possible? Or better even, make Binns teach them? That's more about History of Magic, you know."
"Dumbledore's idea," Remus explained. "He said that it's the better if the students hear it from a real werewolf. BUT I HATE HIM AND I DON'T WANT TO!" After a moment of silence, Sirius heard a pleading voice, "Can you teach them for me? Puh-lease?"
Struggling against laughter, Sirius said, "Sorry, Moony, but I have my own classes to teach... Classes that are beginning now. I'll just tell Dumbledore that you weren't up to showing up in your class, all right?"
"I HATE YOU, SIRIUS BLACK!" came a furious yell from Remus's rooms as he walked away.
"Now, get to work," Severus said sharply after writing the instructions on the blackboard. Everyone started to slowly gather the ingredients. However, Hermione Granger just sat on her place, not moving.
Severus frowned. It was not like Granger to disobey. "Oh, for the love of Salazar, Granger, what the Hell is wrong with you?" he snapped. "Get to work at once, or I'll take a hundred points from Gryffindor!"
To his great surprise and shock, the usually so calm and controlled know-it-all started to cry. Big, salty tears rolled down her cheeks. "B-but my stomach is a-aching!" she sobbed pitifully, wrapping her arms around her stomach. "I cannot be here! I just want to go to my dorm and die alone!" And to the even greater shock of the Potions Master, several girls all around the classroom started the same whining.
"My head is spinning so much that I'm going to faint soon. And you want me to make Fainty Flavourer?" whined Lavender Brown, who truly looked a bit pale.
"I'm in pain! I cannot concentrate!" Pansy Parkinson started the chorus of Slytherin girls.
"M-my owl a-ate my t-teddy bear and I MISS HIM!" sobbed Blaise Zabini, oblivious to the weird gazes she was getting from all Slytherin and not a few Gryffindor boys.
"My head and stomach and back and legs are aching and Madam Pomfrey has run out of painkillers!" yelled Parvati Patil, tears soaking her cheeks.
"My goodness," Severus breathed. Of course. He should have known. The full moon would be in just three days. All females in the school menstruated at the same time because of some odd pheromones they affected each other with. And if Granger and the Weasley girl had PMS a week before a full moon... Then, logically, all the girls were now either in PMS, or, even worse, having their period.
Not wanting to be the target of revenge again, he thought rapidly how to get himself out of the trap. "Okay, listen to me," he roared over the cries of the girls and the disbelieving sounds coming from the boys. "Pair up in girl-boy pairs. Brew a cauldronfull of Painkiller Potion each - all females are freed from work, unless they really want to work. And, once you're finished, the boys are to bottle the potion, bring one vial from every cauldron to me for filling Madam Pomfrey's stocks, and all other vials will be given to the girls, an equal amount to everyone. These potions will not affect your grades in any way."
All students were eyeing him doubtfully, although the girls were now looking a bit calmer. With a flick of his wand, the instructions of Painkiller Potion appeared to the blackboard instead of the instructions of the Fainty Flavourer. He added a couple of ingredient to ensure that the potion would taste like chocolate, then barked, "Well, what are you waiting for? Get to work, boys!"
As Severus watched the girls calm down and boys get to work, all shocked by his sudden orders, he made a mental note to research new painkillers and other useful potions his students were capable of brewing. After all, females had their little problems every month.
The fourth year Ravenclaw class was more or less dozing off in their History of Magic class. Only a couple of people were listening to Professor Binns's lecture, and even those did it only because they couldn't sleep - mostly because of aching stomachs and heads. Suddenly, everyone was startled awake by a sudden cry.
"You're so mean!" cried Luna Lovegood, pointing a shaking finger at their ghost professor. "How can you tell something like that! What had those poor goblins done to be executed? Fine, they started a war, but still!"
"You cannot teach us that!" agreed Milona White. "You'll damage our young and vulnerable minds permanently! We'll never get over this trauma!"
In a moment, every girl was tossing books and quills and ink bottles through the ghost. Binns tried to continue teaching, but soon gave up and vanished through the wall.
The girls glanced around furiously, wanting a new goal to take their anger out at. As they saw the boys' expressions, they had their wishes fulfilled. "STOP BLOODY LAUGHING AT US!" they roared in unison before bursting into tears.
"EVERY BLOODY FUCKING MALE OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" roared Professor Vector. "And one bloody thousand male points from every bloody House for being so damn insensitive!"
"Can you take away just male or female points?" hissed Draco Malfoy to Higismund Xena as they quickly exited the classroom, wondering why every professor was so weird today.
"I have a bad feeling that it's indeed possible," muttered the other Slytherin, then ducked the book the Professor had tossed after him for not leaving fast enough. "In fact, I have a very bad feeling about this all."
An hour before the dinner time that day, there were already many, many people in the Great Hall. All girls from the current DADA class, to be exact, as well as every girl from every class taught by a female professor at the moment. They were all crying, laughing, or whining pitifully in pain, while the chocolate-flavoured Painkiller Potions from every Potions class were passed around gratefully. Their professors were now collected in the Head Table, deep in thought.
"Now, we have to get revenge, on that we all agree," said Minerva McGonagall, eyeing the other professors. "We've already decided what to do to the male students. But which male professors - excluding Remus, of course - we are going to have revenge on? Severus?"
"Not Severus," said Pomona Sprout. "All students say that he's been miraculously kind today. All lesson plans have been changed to allow boys brew painkillers to girls!" Several sounds of agreement came from the other professors. They, too, had got doses of the painkillers Severus had made the students brew. Remus smirked smugly, guessing just right what had brought about this sudden change in Severus's behaviour.
"What about Binns?" asked Minerva, glancing down at the list she had in front of her. Needless to say, the whole idea had come from Remus.
"He's made three classes cry today with his damned stories," muttered Victoria Vector, eyeing the few still sobbing Ravenclaws in one corner of the room. "What right does he have to tell them about executions and wars and all that?"
"A check on him. Sirius, then?"
"A definite check," muttered Remus. "He didn't listen to me at all this morning, and refused to help me with my classes. Plus, he told the students fairy tales today, and I swear he picked the stories just to spite me. I've had twenty girls today accusing me of eating Little Red Ridinghood! And why are wolves always the mean ones in fairy tales, anyway?" he then added tearfully.
"No mercy to him, obviously," Minerva decided. A check. "Filius?" she then questioned, glancing around the table.
"Well... He did help me drive Peeves away," said Pomona slowly. "But..."
"He said that I'm crazy!" cried out Sybil Trelawney. "And he refused to charm the ladder to my classroom so that it would lift all girls up and let all boys just climb!"
This, of course, made many professors frown in disapprovance. Sure, most of them thought that Sybil was at least a bit crazy, but she was a woman. And no man had the right to insult a woman. And not caring about the students' comfortableness? That was unforgivable!
"Hagrid?" Minerva asked. "I don't think he should be punished. He's been so kind - he even gave me chocolate!" At the several sounds of agreement, he went on, "What about Albus?"
Now, many heated cries came from the professors. "He dared to suggest that a lemon drop would make my stomach ache go away!" Victoria cried out.
"Albus told me that my new red robe made me look fat!" complained Madam Hooch. Sure, Dumbledore had just said that she looked less skinny, but it was almost the same as saying that she looked fat!
"H-he forced me to go to my class and tell the students about the G-great Werewolf Hunt," sobbed Remus pitifully. "And he didn't e-even care how I felt about it!"
Now, many professors frowned in great disapprovance. That was just wrong. Nobody had the right to do that to anyone!
"Right," murmured Minerva, making a double check next to the Headmaster's name. After a couple of names more, she glanced down at her list. "Now, we just have to plan revenge. I'll take Albus."
"I'm picking Sirius," Remus muttered vengefully. Everyone else took their pick as well. Then, with evil smirks, they decided to put their revenge in action the next day.
"Severus?" asked an innocent voice behind the Potions Master. Knowing who it was, the Potions Master didn't even bother turning around.
"Mm-hmm?" he replied, not wanting to take his attention away from the cauldron. "What is it?"
"Would you mind if everyone found out about you and Sirius?" Remus asked, sitting down on a nearby chair.
Severus raised his eyebrows. "Depends on why, how, when, and where," he replied. "Although I do have my own suspections as of why you are asking this."
"And you're probably right," the werewolf replied with a grin. "We want to have revenge on Sirius, but not on you. Therefore, I'm asking whether you'd mind that."
"Depends on how humiliating it'd be to me," replied Severus levelly. 'Never disagree with a PMSed person,' he thought in his mind. He would not be on the revenge list this month.
"I was thinking about dropping a thousand photographs of you two together from the ceiling of the Great Hall."
At this, Severus eyed the werewolf suspiciously. "They're not -" he started with a warning tone, but was interrupted by Remus's burst of laughter.
"No, for Merlin's sake," the werewolf giggled. "It's quite enough we traumatized poor Harry for life, I have no desire to do the same thing to every student in this school. No, just normal photographs, where you two have clothes on."
"Thankfully," muttered Severus under his breath. He still had difficulties looking Potter or Ron Weasley in the eye - leave a lone Granger and the Weasley girl, who'd nicked the photos from Sirius's bedside drawer!
"So, may I do that?" Remus inquired, fluttering his eyelashes and giving him the insufferable puppy eyes.
"Fine with me," Severus sighed. "As long as I see the photographs you've picked before you actually do that prank." So, he would be the target of all jokes in the school for the next week or so, but it would be twice as bad to Sirius as it was to him.
"Okay!" squealed the werewolf, jumping up from the chair. "I'll bring them for you to see in half an hour, then!" And with that, he was out of the door.
Severus merely shook his head, then turned towards the potion in the cauldron. It was another reason why he'd accepted Remus's suggestion, other than wanting to keep clear from the revenge list. Eventually everybody would find out, so why not sooner?
With that in mind, he continued watching the delicate brew. He would not let it be spoiled, it was too important.
The next day in the dinner time, almost all of the male population of Hogwarts was wary and nervous. All females and the werewolf professor had been awfully cheerful all the morning. Everybody was sure they were up to something - but to what, well, that was a much more difficult question.
The mystery was soon solved as, about five minutes after the first male student had sipped his pumpkin juice, a cry of surprise bursted out of the students. This was because the said male student had just turned into a yellow canary, flying around in panic. Moments later, every other boy suffered the same fate.
"It's the same stuff the Weasley twins used for their Canary Creams," said Madam Pomfrey conversationally to Victoria Vector - it'd been the mediwitch who'd got some female house-elves help her slip the potion to the unsuspecting students. "It just lasts for half an hour. To get it, I had to tell the twins what it was for, but I figured that 498 out of five hundred isn't that bad."
"Definitely not," said Victoria just as calmly. "I wonder where Binns is. He should be here at any moment."
"Why so?" asked Sybil interestedly. At least she sounded interest, even though every female in the table knew that she was only interested in her own revenge on Filius Flitwick.
"Oh, nothing too bad," the Arithmancy Professor replied cheerfully. "You know he was horribly afraid of mice when he was still alive, right? So, I managed to arrange a ghost mouse that chases him around. It should chase him around the castle, then thrice around the Great Hall, back to the staff room, and vanish."
Just then, Professor Binns came through the wall, screaming in fear of the tiny ghost that ran after him. The girls and female students all looked amused, while the wizards were getting more and more nervous at every passing second. What the hell was going on?
Sirius was especially fearful. He knew what this was - he'd caught the glint in Remus's eyes as the werewolf watched calmly the canary-induced chaos - and he knew very well he'd be on the receiving end of some twisted joke. A glance at Severus, however, told him that his lover was not afraid of anything. So, he slowly started to relax.
That was when Remus decided to take his revenge. A flick of his wand, and the thousand of photographs he'd hidden to the Hall the previous night started to fall down from the ceiling. The girls around the Hall - as well as the professors - started to pick the pictures up. Sirius caught one of the first ones, and paled past white to grey when he noticed that it was of Severus and Sirius himself in the middle of a passionate snog. Thankfully, they had at least clothes on, but... still. Bouncing up with a force that knocked his chair over, Sirius ran out of the Great Hall, the giggles of a few hundred girls echoing after him.
Filius Flitwick had barely got over his shock at seeing the picture of the so-called enemies together when he already got his share. A large group of bats flew to sight from seemingly nowhere, grasped his robes with their tiny feet, and flew back up. The tiny wizard shrieked in terror as the swarm of bats made him hover in the air near the ceiling.
"Goodness, Sybil, is that your doing?" asked Minerva with a slight smile. Never mind their usual differences; in revenge, all women were on the same side. "Really, I envy your imagination! And how did you remember that Filius is afraid of high places, anyway?"
"Oh, it's nothing," the Divination Professor replied. "The spirits of the crystal ball revealed his fear to me..." And then, she started to giggle - something that wasn't only very rare but also very scary, coming from her.
"I need a lemon drop," Dumbledore muttered, digging his pocket for the bag of his favourite sweets. At last, he fished out the bag, and popped one sweet into his mouth. Seconds after that, he spat the sweet out of his mouth, his eyes widening in silent horror. Then he rose from his place and fled from the Great Hall, looking so green that there was no doubt about whether he was going to throw up.
For a moment, all teachers just stared after the Headmaster. Then Pomona asked calmly, "What on Earth did you do to him, Minerva?"
"I transfigured a bag of puke-flavoured Bertie Bott's Beans to resemble lemon drops," told the Transfiguration Professor with an evil smirk. "Just the kind he hates most. And not only that - as he now tasted it, anything he eats during the next week will taste just the same!"
Remus smirked broadly. "You're the best, Minerva," he chuckled. "Although I still think he deserves even worse."
"Aw, don't be too hard on the poor boy," said Victoria cheerfully. "You know the only thing he loves in life is lemon drops, and now it'll take weeks until he dares to even touch them again."
"Too hard on him?" repeated Hooch. "He called me fat! He'd deserve to drown in his lemon drops!"
Severus listened to all this, feeling slightly nervous. Well, at least he wasn't on the revenge list this month - otherwise, he would have already got his share.
And, hopefully, the next month he would be automatically off the list. If he only could get Sirius even look at him after that photo incident.
A/N: Erm... My imagination/vengeance level was a bit lower towards the end... But, well ::shrug:: That's how it is, and it's not going to change, to better or to worse.
Now, this story wasn't finished until a week and a half after it was started (which was also when I wrote the first author note - was I really that angry?). I'm not on half as vengeful mood as back then. Even my head isn't aching badly, and I even got E-mail from Airiel. But that doesn't mean that you could miss giving me and everybody else chocolate. . Especially when those boys at my school said that I and my friends are miserable chess players. Okay, so maybe we are, but so what? What's that of their business?
Just a little warning: As Sev's no more on the revenge list, I'm planning to put him plotting it on some sequel of this... Yup yup, as in, mpreg mood swings ahoy! And do NOT come telling me that men can't get pregnant. They're wizards, surely they have potions for that? And even if they didn't, I DON'T FUCKING CARE! (Of course I could have him turn into a female or even a hermaphrodite, but that'd be too OOC.)
::puppy eyes:: Chocolate? Puh-lease? .