This story is rated G.
Disclaimer: The Rocky and Bullwinkle characters are owned by Jay Ward & co.
In this story, the voice of the Narrator is represented by bold italic text.
As we begin our story, Rocky and Bullwinkle are enjoying a lazy summer day at their shack in the bustling metropolis of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
Bullwinkle is sitting on a wooden chair in what passes for the dining room. On the table in front of him sits a bottle whose label says, ANTLER-GRO. He is rubbing the oil from the bottle over his antlers and humming "She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain" when Rocky walks in, wearing his usual flight helmet.
"What's that stuff, Bullwinkle?" asks the squirrel.
"It's supposed to make my antlers bigger," Bullwinkle tells him.
"Where'd you get it?"
"Off the Internet. Some nice person sent me an email advertising it."
"No, Spam comes in those little cans."
Curious, Rocky picks up the bottle of oil and smells the top. "Hey, wait a minute!" he realizes. "This is camphor oil!"
"It is?" Bullwinkle takes the bottle from Rocky and closely examines it. "Active ingredients: Camphor oil. Inactive ingredients: Camphor oil."
"That won't make your antlers bigger," Rocky informs him.
"Well, it'll help if I pull a muscle in my head," Bullwinkle reflects.
"Why do you want bigger antlers, anyway?" Rocky inquires.
Bullwinkle begins to speak wistfully. "Well, Rock, I'm almost forty-five years old now, so it's about time for me to head into the wilderness and find a nice she-moose."
"You mean...get married?"
"Yeah. Settle down, have little meeses..."
Rocky perks up his ears. "Hey, what's that noise?"
Bullwinkle listens carefully. "Is it my biological clock ticking?"
"Is it the metropolis bustling?"
"No, it sounds like flapping..."
Before Rocky can finish, a sparrow flies through the open window, passes through the shack, and collides against the opposite wall. The bird drops to the floor and becomes stiff. "Omigosh!" exclaims Rocky as he draws close to it. "The poor little bird!"
"Yeah, he shoulda taken flying lessons from you," says Bullwinkle as he follows Rocky.
As the two stand over the apparently dead bird, a man's voice begins to emanate from it.
"Attention, Agent Moose and Agent Squirrel! An extremely powerful and dangerous secret weapon known as Wunderkind has disappeared from Florence Liverwurst National Laboratory. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate this weapon and either return it to the laboratory, or failing that, destroy it. This weapon must not, I repeat, must not fall into the hands of enemy agents. I repeat, this weapon absolutely, positively must not, under any circumstances, fall into the hands of enemy agents! This bird will self-destruct in five seconds."
Rocky's face lights up with joy. Several seconds pass, and the bird explodes into a cloud of flying feathers. "Did you hear that, Bullwinkle?" Rocky asks his pal.
"Yeah." Bullwinkle brushes a feather off his nose. "It sounded kinda like the time I put a parakeet in the microwave."
"We've been called on a secret mission!" Rocky exults. "After all these years!"
"A SECRET MISSION?" exclaims the dumbfounded moose.
"Shh! Not so loud, or everybody in Frostbite Falls will know about our secret mission!"
"Shush up, Bullwinkle!"
Little do our heroes suspect that a hostile force is eavesdropping on them...
A few yards away from the shack, a small gray rabbit is sitting next to the entrance to its burrow. Its sensitive ears are picking up the exchange between Rocky and Bullwinkle...and transmitting it electronically to a receiver hundreds of miles away. The receiver is operated by a sinister-looking man wearing an overcoat, who immediately taps out an email on his computer and sends it to the address
Across the ocean in the tiny nation of Pottsylvania, the dreaded spymaster known as Fearless Leader is perusing his email messages.
"Order Viagra online...order Viagra online...order Viagra online... Wait! What is this? Moose and squirrel on secret mission!" Fearless Leader leaps to his feet and summons a uniformed woman who stands nearby. "This is a matter of national insecurity! Sofia, go quickly and bring me the most incompetent spies on my force!"
"Yes, Fearless Leader." She clicks her heels, turns and leaves. A few seconds later she returns with (who else but) Boris and Natasha in tow.
Fearless Leader grins. "Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, eh?"
"At your service, Fearless Leader," says Boris.
"A few new recruits came in this week," Sofia mentions. "I can check and see if any of them are less competent."
Fearless Leader waves his hand. "Don't bother." The uniformed woman leaves.
"For what purpose have you summoned us, Fearless Leader?" Natasha inquires.
"You must go to America and recover a lost secret weapon. But to do so, you will need to outsmart your old enemies...moose and squirrel!"
Terrified, Boris and Natasha sink to their knees and begin to plead for mercy.
"Please, Fearless Leader!" Boris begs. "Anythink but that! Let me blow up a playground! Let me put hypnotic messages in American popular music! But please, please, please...not moose and squirrel!"
Natasha clutches her ears. "The puns! The puns!"
"Very well," says Fearless Leader. "I will do it myself. No one will suspect a man with a scar and monocle. Of course, that means I will get the promotion."
"Promotion?" repeat Boris and Natasha in unison.
"This secret weapon will tip the balance of power in favor of Pottsylvania," the spymaster tells them. "Whichever spy brinks it back will surely be rewarded with great honors...and may even become the next Mr. Big."
Boris and Natasha rise to their feet. Their eyes are full of ambition. "Did you hear that, Boris darlink?" says Natasha. "I'm goink to be the next Mr. Big!"
"You? What about me?"
"You can be Mrs. Big." Boris looks confused.
Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of miles away...
Unbeknownst to Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader, their conversation is being monitored from a futuristic communications center located hundreds of feet below the surface of the moon. Cloyd the moon man sits at one of the consoles, his expression one of anxiety.
"Gidney, come here, quick!" he calls out. His friend Gidney the moon man hurries to his side.
"What is it, Cloyd?"
"Our old friends Rocky and Bullwinkle have been called to retrieve a secret weapon, but Boris and Natasha are plotting to beat them to it!"
"Hokey smoke!" exclaims Gidney. "We've got to go to Earth and help them!"
Moments later, Gidney and Cloyd are standing in the presence of the Moon Queen, wearing their holster belts and scrooch guns.
"You were wise to bring this to my attention," says the Queen. "Ever since an Earth man walked on the surface of our world, I have suspected that some day they would attempt an invasion. If the weapon you speak of is truly as powerful as the Earth leaders claim, then they must intend to deploy it against us. Gidney, Cloyd, you must travel to Earth, find this weapon, and either return it to the moon, or destroy it."
"Yes, Your Grace," say Gidney and Cloyd meekly.
"I thought we were going to help Rocky and Bullwinkle," Cloyd says to his friend as they depart the Queen's palace. "I didn't expect to be sent on a secret mission."
"Orders are orders," Gidney replies with a hint of sadness. "I just hope we don't end up having to scrooch our friends."
So, the stage is set. The plot thickens. Who will reach the secret weapon first? Our heroes? The spies? The moon men? Be sure to see the next exciting episode, "Malice from the Moon", or "I Wonder What a Wunderkind Is".