Amon and Laundry: A Random Chapter: The Funeral.

Ais A/N: Everybody loves Chad's funeral. Or at least the little green men that live in the cereal box do.

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BEEPbeepBEEPbeepBEEP… yelled Robin's communicator.

"Amon? The paper? Doujima, could you get me the paper, please?"

Robin opened up today's copy of The Snicklefritz Daily Dictatorship Times-Sun and flipped to the Obituary section. "Oh my…"

"What is it?" Doujima asked.

"Oh my, oh my, oh my…"

"Robin! What is it?"

"Touko has an obituary for her washing machine!"

"What the…"

"Yes, Amon. I see. Goodbye." Robin set down the phone. "Oh my, Doujima! Oh my, oh my, oh my…"

"I know that! What is it?"

"Touko is having a funeral for her washing machine… Chad Deveraux-Washer? Yes, Chad Deveraux-Washer. And I'm going with Amon. We have to protect each other from Touko."

Doujima nodded seriously. "I can see why."

…………………….

Amon and Robin walked unwillingly towards a funeral home-esque building where the funeral was being held. A long line of people was at the door. A good portion of them were Touko's friends; more of them were the media, come to see this curiosity; and a very few of them were curious psychiatrists who had heard of Touko through said media.

All of Touko's friends were either very emotional or they were very good at faking emotion; at any rate, they all had makeup running down their faces in black streams.

"And it is said that Administrator Zaizen denies the responsibility of orbo in Mr. Deveraux-Washer's death," a newsman talking in front of a camera said. "Orbo is a strange, unknown substance used for unknown purposes but known to be fatal unless it's non-fatal…" Then he saw Amon and Robin. "Sir! Miss! Were you friends of the deceased?"

"No comment."

"But sir, can you give us any information as to the involvement of orbo in Mr. Deveraux-Washer's death?"

"No comment. Orbo is not for the common people to know about."

"So you admit that the substance orbo does exist? Are you privy to inside info about it?"

"No comment. Robin, keep walking."

"And that was… um… two people going to the funeral of Chad Deveraux-Washer, the largest and perhaps only funeral ever held for a washer in history…"

Suddenly Robin stumbled back a few steps and pointed vaguely at the white letters stenciled on the glass door.

"'First Holy Plastocene Church'," it read. "'Come and share in our artificiality.'"

Amon and Robin shared a look that meant, "The whole world has gone insane."

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"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of Chad Deveraux-Washer," the officiator of dubious credibility began. "A brilliant washer in every respect…"

"Robin," Amon muttered. "Remind me what exactly we are doing here again."

"Hush."

"…who overcame a sad upbringing to earn his place in Miss Masaki's household…"

"Mutter."

"Amon, hush."

"…from his birthplace in the Whirlpool factory…"

"Do you have a pair of nail clippers, Robin?"

"No."

"…he was a skilled fisherman…"

"Can washing machines fish?"

"Amon! Would you stop it!"

"… his best friend Stewart Gevalia-Coffeemaker, who passed away last year under strange circumstances involving fire…"

"What are you doing, Amon?"

"Playing Solitaire on my PDA."

"Well, stop."

"…Thank you."

"Is it over?"

"He was the first speaker. According to the program there are four or five more."

"What?"

"Four or five more."

"For a washer."
"Yes, for a washer."

Another man stepped onto the podium. "I am…" (here he relayed a big, long, impossible name) "… and for those of you who don't know who I am, I'm the factory worker who put the last bolts in Chad, sending him along the assembly line…"

Somebody burst into tears up in the front.

"This is going to be a long haul."

"We know that, Amon. You're so out of character today."

"And we all know whose fault that is! Don't get snippy with me!"

"You use words like snippy?"

"Why the hell not?"

"Shhhh!" said somebody behind them.

"Excuse me."
"Sorry."

"Chad was brilliant in every respect, overcoming a small load capacity to…"

"See? I told you that you were disturbing people!"

"You were disturbing them! Your voice has this annoying high pitch…"

"High pitch? Me? Why…"

"Who's out of character now?"

"SHHHHH!"

"Excuse me."

"Sorry."

"… I told him that no matter what happened, he could always come back to the Whirlpool factory and me…"

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TWO HOURS LATER:

"Amon. Wake up."

"Zzzsnorkhuhwecan'taffordanymoremistakes!"

"Yes, I know. They're about to proceed to the burial ground. We have one of those little flag things to stick on the car."

"Don't tell me, police escort?"

"Yes."

"Oh…"

"Amon! You're in a… church… type… thing!"

"Fine. We're going."

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EIGHT MINUTES LATER:

"City Dump? Amon, are you sure?"

"I followed the people in front of me."

A guy in a day-glow uniform (GIDGU) directed the Bad Black Car towards a parking space.

"I guess it's right then."

They slammed the doors and were directed by the GIDGU to join the grieving family in a blue tent-like-thing.

"Please join the grieving family in the blue tent-like-thing, sir."

Thus they did indeed join the grieving family under the blue tent-like thing. Not to be hopelessly redundant or anything like that.

Touko was sitting on a chair in front of the coffin being comforted by a bevy of weeping friends.

"I… swear… on this… blue tent-like-thing… that I… shall never… love… again… never… love another… as long as I… LIVE!" she wept dramatically. "Every… time… I love… every… time… I… only end up… hurting… somebody… or myself…"

The string section swelled to a crescendo with a nice woodwind-brass undertone, despite an unfortunate accident having to do with the first trombone's ex-girlfriend and a bottle of hair gel.

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TEN MINUTES LATER:

"Amon! Wake up!" Robin hissed.

"Zzzzsnorkwecan'taffordanymoremisakes!"

"Right. They're about to bury Chad."

"…Ashesto ashes, dust unto dust, mortality hath come to claim its price…"

"Mutter."

"I agree."

"…From the blessed artificiality of this world to the glorious plastic heaven of the next…"

"It would be moving if it wasn't at the dump."

"And if it wasn't a washer… why did you ever go out with her anyways?"

"Mutter."

"…while your earthly remains turn unto the evil, natural, corrupted, sinful dust, your soul shall become pure and white…"

"I don't agree with this theology. Do electronics have souls?"

"Michael would say they do, I'm sure."

"…In the name of the Rubbermaid, the…"

"It's almost over."

"…Amen."

"What?"

"No. They said amen, not Amon."

"Oh."

And Chad Deveraux-Washer's 'earthly remains' were lowered deep into the trash heap and covered with old tires and rusty bedsprings. Touko walked away weeping with her friends, and the psychiatrists walked away taking notes. The officiator of dubious credibility walked away a hundred dollars or so richer, the media reported, and Amon and Robin rolled their eyes as they removed themselves as quickly as possible from the scene. They slammed the door, rolled up the windows, locked everything, and hauled it out of there… well… like the devil was on their tail, for lack of a better, less colloquial term.

"Mutter!"

"I have never agreed more."

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Ais A/N: Augh! I 'organized' my files again, and therefore couldn't find where I hid my A&L chapters. You see, up until chapter six or so, everything is neatly filed under its chapter number. After that, it greatly resembles pig wrestling. You know where they grease a smallish pig and random people run around in a foot of mud trying to catch it? Well, the chapters manage to be both the pig and the mud at the same time.

Yes, my analogies make so much sense, don't they?

Anyways, what with that and being involved in a lot of rather long religious ceremonies and watching Daria and my somewhat overbearing grandmother and Illinois winning and the tragically trying upkeep of a new hairstyle, it's been awhile. Due to the ever-famous Popular Request, A&L will be slightly more extended, although I did consider ending it on this chapter (I don't wanna end it anyways!) It will be sorta-kinda-maybe as ontopic as I can get it, and I'll post selections of the offtopicness as one-shots. Sound any good?

And, because this particular a/n is so long, there won't be any review responses in this particular chapter. Look for them next time though! Thanks!

Sneeze,

Ais.