Title: The Talk
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary: The Dursley's decide to give Dudley and Harry The Talk.
Warnings: Uh, sex talk? Honestly, this story is a little disturbing.
"Vernon, darling?" Petunia knocked lightly on the bedroom door. Inside, Vernon Dursley sat at his desk, work papers strewn across the top.
"Yes, what is it?" He asked gruffly, frowning at a particular contract.
"I think we need to have a talk." Petunia shifted on her feet, her hands behind her back. Vernon slowly turned in his swivel chair.
"I found something in our son's bedroom, Vernon." Petunia looked stricken. "I never thought he would own something like this."
"Don't tell me he's got something to do with... them!" Vernon growled.
"No, no!" Petunia shook her head. Then, her face flushed with embarrassment, she held out a magazine that had previously been hidden behind her back.
"Where did you get this?" Vernon asked, standing. His eyes stared, wide with both awe and anger, at the large breasted woman spread on a zebra printed rug, which covered the front of the magazine.
"It was under Dudley's bed." Petunia replied. "I think... Oh, Vernon, I think it's time to give him The Talk."
"The Talk?" Vernon gasped. "No! He's only... 15."
"Right, 16!" Vernon had the decency to look sheepish.
"I think we should give The Talk to both of them." Petunia told him.
"What? I will not give The Talk to that.. boy!" Vernon glared. "Why?"
"I will not have the boy get some hussy pregnant, leaving us to receive the bad reputation. Or worse, take care of it!"
"Good point... Very well, call them both to the living room." Vernon agreed.
"Very well, Vernon." Petunia turned and left the room.
An hour later found Harry Potter and Dudley Dursley sitting on the couch, both watching as Vernon paced the room. Petunia sat in the corner, her arms crossed. Harry avoided eye contact with both adults, and didn't even bother to look over at Dudley. He suspected the larger boy had done something, and Harry was going to get in trouble right along with him.
Heaven forbid the thought that Dudley wasn't an innocent.
"Right." Vernon suddenly said, standing as tall as he could and looking down at the two boys in front of him. Harry shifted in his seat, while Dudley eyed the doorway to the kitchen. "You both are old enough now that it is time to... Well, it's time for The Talk."
"Is this all?" Dudley asked, looked aggrieved.
"What do you mean 'is this all'?" Vernon frowned.
"Nothing." Dudley said quickly. Vernon narrowed his eyes a moment, before continuing.
"Now, as you both get older you will find yourselves to be experiencing certain things." Vernon said, his face turning slightly purple from the strain of the conversation. "Now, these things are very normal. You are both growing boys... Well, Dudley is at any rate."
Harry tried to ignore that comment and chose instead to attempt a look of pure curiosity.
"Now... Let's see..." Vernon trailed off and began to pace once more.
"Vernon, this isn't difficult." Petunia said quietly.
"I'm trying, darling." Vernon frowned. "Very well, here's the thing... The birds and the bees as they use to put it."
"The birds and the bees?" Dudley asked, before rolling his eyes. Vernon narrowed his eyes at his only son before doing the same at Harry. Harry was slightly curious as to what he had done to receive the narrowed-eyed look, but he figured simply being forced to listen to this was punishment enough. Therefore, he chose to continue to remain quiet.
"Exactly." Vernon replied. "Okay... Babies! Babies are made when a woman and man love each other. Right? Right. So, they love each other and that's means that they should... uh, get married."
"Honestly, Vernon." Petunia stood and gently guided the large man to the chair. He sat, looking up at her in confusion. "Let me deal with this."
"Ah, mum!" Dudley groaned. "I have to have this talk from you?"
"Diddykins, this is important." Petunia said in a sickly sweet voice. "Listen carefully, both of you. When two people love each other very much and want to create something between them to represent how much they love each other, they create a child. Now, how this works is that a woman releases an egg within her once a month. Her husband must then fertilize this egg."
"Oh my God." Vernon muttered from his post. Petunia shot him a glare.
"In order for a man to fertilize the egg they must have sex." Petunia said calmly. Dudley shifted in his seat and tried to avoid his mother's eyes. Harry didn't know how to react to this conversation at all, so once again he chose to be quiet. "Hmm, maybe this would be easier to understand with visuals?"
"Mum!" Dudley choked out. "You can't be serious."
"I'm very serious." Petunia replied. "You must understand the basics of sex, Dudley. I don't want to one day be told that you impregnated some girl!"
"No! Now listen." Petunia cleared her throat. "When a man gets sexually stimulated-" Vernon groaned in embarrassment. "-his... well, you know becomes hard."
"Petunia, dear." Vernon interrupted loudly.
"I don't think you should be-"
"They need to know." Petunia interrupted. "Now, the man's... you know is inserted into the woman's-" Petunia's voice dropped to a whisper. "-vagina. Now, if things go well, the man will ejaculate his sperm into the woman and nine months later a child will be born."
"Yes, darling?" Petunia asked with a look of pure innocence.
"Don't you think you should tell them about, you know, protection?" Vernon asked in a low voice.
"Right! How silly of me to forget." Petunia laughed nervously. "Now, if you do not want to have a child, but still enjoy the benefits of a sexual relationship with your wife, you need to use a condom. You can get them at any drug store. But you should not use a condom as an excuse to have sex without being married."
"Yes, mother." Dudley replied automatically, his face beet red. Harry shifted in his seat.
"Do you have any questions?" Petunia asked.
"Er." Dudley looked away. "Not really..."
"I think I know what you want to know, son." Vernon said. "And yes, masturbation is very normal."
"Vernon!" Petunia frowned. "You'll say that word in front of them but can't bring yourself to talk about sex?"
"I..." Vernon trailed off with a shrug of his beefy shoulders.
"Anything else, Dudley?" Petunia asked gently.
"No, mum." Dudley replied.
"What about you?" Petunia asked Harry from with a grimace on her face, as though asking Harry that simple question was going to result in the end of the world.
"I highly doubt what he wants to know is of any relevance." Vernon announced.
"Vernon, I already explained to you." Petunia replied. "I don't want him bringing home some pregnant girl for us to take care of. If he has a question it's better to get it out in the open."
"Fine, whatever." Vernon mumbled. They watched as he stood and, sending a glare towards Harry, left the room. Harry stared at the floor a moment before finally looking up at his aunt. Petunia gave him a slightly encouraging smile.
"What about..." Harry trailed off, not sure how to phrase his question.
"Yes?" Petunia asked.
"Well, to use Uncle Vernon's phrase, what about the bees and the bees?" Harry asked, looking away so he didn't have to see her reaction.
"Bloody hell!" Dudley said in a laughing voice.
"Dudley, leave the room!" Petunia ordered in a stiff voice. Harry watched as Dudley fought with his mother a moment, before finally giving in and leaving the living room. Gathering his Gryffindor courage, he finally looked up at his aunt. Petunia's face looked pinched. "I suppose I should of expected something like this from you."
"No!" Petunia interrupted. "You will erase such thoughts from your mind while you live in this house. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Aunt Petunia." Harry said softly.
"Those... people probably put this into your mind." Petunia shuddered. She looked down at him with narrowed eyes. "I will not have it in my house, Harry Potter."
"Yes, Aunt Petunia." Harry replied. He watched as Petunia adjusted her apron. She gave him one last glare before leaving the room. Sighing, Harry fell back against the couch. Apparently, he was going to have to go to someone else for that kind of information. "I should probably just ask Hermione, she knows everything else."