DISCALIMER: Do not own RE or McDonalds. (Which is the same throughout the fic so I'm only doing a disclaimer if I happen to mention something else…so there!) Nor do I own Corona, Star Wars, Pokemon, or "Dare To Be Stupid".
After The Training Facility...
After The Spencer Mansion...
After 'Coon City...
After…err…before Rockfort Island...
Waaaay before the cruise ship...
There was a horror so sinister that it can only be told here. A thing of such evilness that it caused even Albert Wesker nighmares. I'm talking about the incident of...
SHERRY ISALND (aka Sheena Island)
That is where our story begins...
Sometime after 'Coon City...
"I hate my job…I hate my pay…I hate my bloody boss!!!" Screamed the third employee that had been hired this month.
McDonalds didn't know what had happened to the other ones. They just got pissed, left, and were never seen again!
(Please insert creepy music here.)
But he knew he would never quit or get fired. Working here, was in his blood. He was the master of flipping burgers, the nimble fingered cashier, why he was…
Halfway through McDonalds daydream of greatness, the boss walked in.
"Hey kid…your fired!" Said the boss, the evil bastard.
"Stupid job, I never even made middle wage yet on this shit hole island!" He yelled as he left.
He had only been walking for a few minutes when he bumped into an old friend, literally.
"You!" Wesker seemed surprised that McDonalds was still alive. "You're still alive?"
A quite understandable question, especially after everything McDonalds had been through. He wasn't entirely sure what had happened after the 'Coon city incident. Probably the result of all the injections and beatings by the Umbrella guys. Then there was that really horrible thing that had happened with that Hunter…and the time…
Yes friends and neighbors…McDonalds ADD has kicked in again.
"I'm here to pick up Spastic, he is learning a lot from school you know." Wesker waved a hand in front of McDonalds face, trying to get his attention.
"You!" McDonalds screamed, going a pasty shade of white.
McDonalds had finally snapped out of his memories long enough to realize that he was staring at Albert Wesker. After taking a few seconds for this realization to sink in…McDonalds decked him.
Apparently he wasn't too thrilled to see Wesker again. Might have had something to do with dropping him off at that Umbrella installation by accident, either that or it was because Wesker hadn't had any beer left at the apartment.
"You promised me beer!"
Guess that answers that question.
"Ya well, blame Redfield it was his turn to buy." Wesker shrugged, looking around the darkly lite island.
Gotta love Umbrella owned islands, they are so dark and creepy. Spastic came running out of the school a few seconds later, a Pokemon book bag dangling from one hand. He grinned up at Wesker like a lost puppy, to which Wesker responded by ignoring him. It was then that McDonalds noticed that all of the kids, except Spastic, that were piling out of the school were identical. They were all blonde and extremely annoying.
"I didn't know you had kids." Said Wesker, glancing at McDonalds.
"Those are not mine!" Snapped McDonalds.
"Alright, geez, get a grip."
"What are you doing here anyway?" McDonalds asked.
"Trying to steal some research, killing/maiming innocent people, making life a living hell for anyone employeed by Umbrella. The usual."
Wesker then turned his attention to the young children as they walked out of the school. Blonde, annoying, and wearing horrid little sailor suits…something inside his evil brain was beginning to click, he just couldn't put his finger on it.
"You know, those kids look awfully familiar."
"So they're your kids. Trying to pawn them off on me, I see how you are." McDonalds then proceeded to count the kids as the scampered out of the school. "Damn...you've been busy. What are you, some kind of bio-enhanced playa?"
Wesker glared, then took a moment for serious thought. He was pretty sure he didn't have any little rug rats running around. And if he did, they would be properly evil…not helpless and annoying.
"Do you have the pink hat with the feather as well?"
"No! Stop implying that I'm a pimp!" Wesker yelled.
McDonalds snickered, it was such great fun to annoy Wesker. He just loved watching Wesker's face turn all red, although he was a bit worried about the poor guys blood pressure. McDonalds figured that killing/maiming people had to be pretty stressful, and Wesker did tend to be a bit high strung most of the time.
In between his musings about Wesker's physical and mental health, he noticed that all the identical kids were getting on a bus that had the following written on its side in big block letters:
SECRET UMBRELLA BASE THAT PRODUCES WEAPONS OF SHERRY DESTRUCTION
"What are Weapons of Sherry Destruction?" Of course McDonalds turned to the resident treacherous bastard for his answer.
"It's a long story." Said Wesker. "I tell you what, lets have a campfire tonight then I'll tell the story with the help of my banjo."
"A STORY! YAY!" Yelled Spastic happily.
"I'll bring beer if you bring pretzels." Wesker then produced two six packs of Corona.
"No prob." McDonalds yelled happily.
And so our three reunited…err…friends set off in search of the perfect location for their beer/banjo party. However, unknown to our intrepid band of survivors, trouble was afoot. High above a large black, and somewhat ominous, helicopter was circling the island. Emblazoned across the side of it, in large white letters, were the words:
And right underneath that, in little tiny letters that you would need a magnifying glass to read, were the words:
Causing plagues, destruction, and total chaos to thousands since 1968.
Inside the chopper a loan individual prepares for his mission. What is the nature of his mission, you may be asking yourself? Well…it's ahh….that is…it's top secret. Yup it's on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know.
Anyway, the lone individual straps on his parachute and jumps out of the chopper. After a few hundred feet, he pulled the shoot and landed on the ground.
"Oh man…I think I'm gonna be sick…"
He then stared blankly into space, and drooled for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, at the campfire, McDonalds had spotted the parachute flapping around.
"Who dares to interrupt my story?!" Wesker looked ready to kill someone, of course that was his usual facial expression.
"Go and look, dumb ass!" Squeaked Spastic.
This comment elicited a rather confused look from Wesker. Spastic, on the other hand, looked particularly proud of himself. Noticing that no one appeared to being moving, McDonalds went to investigate the mysterious parachute himself. But nothing, not even all he had witnessed in 'Coon City, had prepared him for the site he was presented with. A giant hunk of bean curd was standing in the clearing, wearing a parachute, and holding a rocket launcher.
"WHO ARE YOU!?" Shouted the giant bean curd, waving the rocket launcher around wildly.
"Call me McDonalds. Gee, that's a mighty fine piece you got there." McDonalds then produced a shotgun, trust me you don't want to know where he was hiding it, and pointed it at the bean curd.
Meanwhile, Wesker had finally decided to investigate the parachute, dragging Spastic with him. After taking a few seconds to asses the situation, Wesker promptly snatched the rocket launcher out of the Bean Curd's hands, bent it in half, and threw it away.
"I don't believe in gun violence."
"Wait a minute…didn't you shoot Rebecca back at the mansion?" It was the first intelligent thing Spastic had ever said.
"I knew she was wearing a bullet proof vest." Wesker said smugly, although he did look a tad bit nervous.
"No you didn't." Spastic shot back.
Wesker glanced around nervously, then promptly smacked Spastic with a rolled up newspaper. McDonalds sighed, his head was full of flashbacks from 'Coon City. The Bean Curd, on the other hand, looked pretty pissed.
"Fine then! You have destroyed my rocket launcher, you leave me no choice but to pull out my…"
"HEAVY SUPER DUPER 1337 KILLER MEGA POWERFUL ULTRA OMEGA OVERLOAD KILLING DEATH MACHINE OF ULTIMATE DOOM!"
Second deep breath…
"Behold, death in it's truest form!!!!"
He quickly followed up his huge ass speech with a sinister laugh, which appeared to impress Wesker slightly. Tofu then reached into his pocket, although why (or for that matter how) a hunk of Bean Curd had a pocket is anyone's guess, and produced…a combat knife. This did not impress Wesker at all, hell it didn't even seem to impress McDonalds very much…Spastic was still unconscious , but I doubt he would have been impressed either.
"That's it?" Asked Wesker, still not looking inmpressed. "I mean damn, I can bench press a Buick for heaven's sake. You think a giant hunk of bean curd waving around a combat knife is gonna scare me? Get a life bean head."
"Dare you defy Tofu? I AM THE MASTER OF KNIFES DAMN IT! I am 13373R than the 13373s7 person who was ever 1337!"
"Dare to be stupid," McDonalds said, as he knocked out the Tofu with a lead pipe.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUDGE DITTALY OUT" Spastic screamed taking a bite out of Tofu.
"I don't think the schooling is working." McDonalds eyed Spastic. "He's still about as sharp as a marble."
"I will have to agree." Wesker sighed heavily. "Maybe I need to send him to military school or something."
"I have glow in the dark light sabers! Who wants to play STAR WARS?" Spastic yelled, producing several very cool looking plastic light sabers.
And so, for no good reason at all except for the fact the authoress thought is was funny, our three heroes sat in the middle of the clearing playing Star Wars. Of course Star Wars was one of Wesker's favorite movie series, except for Episode I. He really hated the part where Darth Maul died.
"I still do not comprehend why it is that Darth Maul has to expire in such a way at the conclusion of that picture."
This statement elicited blank stares from both McDonalds and Spastic. Wesker thought for a minute, then snapped his fingers.
"Opps, my bad."
He then slapped himself in the face, which caused him to do a backwards somersault, which resulted in him landing on the ground on his back in extreme amounts of pain.
"Sorry, I slipped into scientist mode again." Wesker moaned trying to stand up.
"WOW!! That was cool!!" Spastic yelled jumping up and down. "Do it again!"
Wesker was so close to beating him that it wasn't even funny. Of course, to be able to do that he first had to somehow manage to get up. Not an easy feat, I assure you. Poor guy probably caused himself massive internal injuries or something. I mean when you have that kind of power, and you go and hit yourself…
But I digress…
So while Wesker was attempting to get up off the ground, two very important things happened. Tofu woke up and a zombie wandered into camp.
"Oh great...another outbreak. I mean no one saw that coming."
To say Wesker's words were heavy with sarcasm would be an understatement…
A/N: That's right friends and neighbors…The heroes are back!!