Disclaimer/Acknowledgements: Naruto ≠ mine.
Also, a big thanks to Link and Luigi, first for unconsciously influencing my style (hopefully for the better), and second for not minding that I have thusly mimicked their writing somewhat. So it's all good, which makes me happy.
(Please note that this was written back before Kakashi Gaiden, so… yeah.)
The True Adventures of the Yondaime Hokage
Once upon a time, a kid was born and he was called… well, actually we can't tell you that because Kishimoto will undoubtedly come along eventually and tell you otherwise, and then you wouldn't know what to believe, and that would just be all confusing and stuff. So we'll just call him Blank for now. So anyway, this kid called Blank had a childhood of some sort that included things such as… well, actually we can't tell you that either because once again we're not quite sure. Suffice to say, he was born and did indeed have a name, and he had some sort of growing-up process somewhere along the line.
So anyway, eventually this kid grew up and graduated and became the shinobi apprentice of one Jiraiya, who was himself one of the personal students of the Sandaime Hokage. Oh, one thing we forgot to mention—apparently, this Blank kid was a genius. What exactly that implies, we're not quite sure, but it's safe to say he was at least reasonably bright, even inventing a few new jutsus in his day. …On the other hand, it took him three years to make one of them, so maybe he wasn't so much a genius as he just happened to have a lot of spare time on his hands.
Anyway, it turned out that this guy Jiraiya, aside from having crazy white hair and a lot of frogs, was also a super pervert. w00t. So, due to Jiraiya's influence, young impressionable Blanky grew up and became a pervert too. And that is where our story begins…
One day, Blanky and Jiraiya were hanging out chilling like the pimps they are, when all of a sudden Sarutobi, who is the Sandaime Hokage in case you didn't know, which means he was the Third in case you still don't know, came wandering along and just happened to pass by where they were. As he walked along, Jiraiya gave him a cool little wave accompanied by a "Yo, Sensei!", and since Sarutobi was feeling social he waved back and then stopped for a few minutes to hang out and chill with them.
"…So, what's up?" asked Jiraiya after they had all spent a few moments basking in their coolness.
"Ah, well, nothing much," Sarutobi sighed.
"Have you figured out who you're going to appoint as the Fourth Hokage yet?" Jiraiya asked nonchalantly.
"Well, I've been having a bit of trouble deciding," Sarutobi admitted. "You see… I was always planning on choosing Orochimaru when the day came, but to be honest… well, he's kind of… well, I don't really want to say, but frankly he's been disturbing me a little bit lately."
"Oh, what a shame," said Jiraiya in possibly the least disappointed tone ever. "But you know, it just so happens that I have a suggestion as to who else you could pick!" he promptly continued.
"Oh?" said Sarutobi, one eyebrow raised. "Who might that person be?"
Jiraiya grinned and proceeded to wave a hand to indicate… Blanky! Who was still standing there, just… very quietly.
Sarutobi blinked. "You think I should name Blank as the Fourth Hokage?"
"Uh… yeah," Jiraiya said as if it was obvious.
"Um… well, no offense or anything, Blank, but you're a little on the young side…" Sarutobi said tentatively. "I know you're a superb shinobi and all, but… I'm just not sure. …Plus, you're… well, blond."
"Hey, leave his hair color out of this!" Jiraiya said indignantly while Blanky looked only mildly offended. "He's clearly the best ninja in the village right now! Well… except for me, of course. …And you," he added as an afterthought.
Sarutobi frowned and was about to argue some more, but it just so happened that at that exact moment, a random female ninja just happened to walk by the place where they were all standing together all cool-like.
Sarutobi and Jiraiya promptly got all red in the face and perverted and generally creepy as they watched her pass. Blanky, however, just casually ran a hand through his sexy blond mop of hair, and winked at the lovely passerby, who blushed. Sensing an opening, Blank grinned foxily at her and asked, "How you doin'?" The woman giggled. Encouraged, Blanky continued to pimp and succeeded in getting her phone number. Winking back at him, the woman strolled off.
Blanky sighed in satisfaction and leaned back, once again assured that he was t3h mastah. Within a moment or so, he realized that both Jiraiya and Sarutobi were staring at him, their jaws all but hanging toward the ground. He blinked. "…What?"
"…Ha ha!" Jiraiya chortled after another moment, slapping Blank on the back hard enough to make him stumble a little. "That's my boy!" He grinned at Sarutobi. "So what do you think of him now, eh?"
"…Well…" Sarutobi frowned. He had to admit, he was greatly impressed. Clearly this young Blanky was a man after his own heart. And… he did have to admit it was something of a relief after his recent discovery concerning Orochimaru's apparent… preferences. True, he had promised Oro the job and all, but… what the heck!
"What the heck!" Sarutobi said. "Sure, I'll make him Hokage!"
"YEEES!" Jiraiya and Blanky both exclaimed at the same time as they jumped up and gave each other ghetto high-fives.
Then they composed themselves.
"Um. I'm honored," said Blanky. (Or, as we shall now refer to him as: Yondaime.)
Yondaime matured into an even more extraordinary young man over the next several years, gaining fame not only for his mad jutsu skillz, but also through the exploits of his three young students, one of whom has never been named so we can safely assume was not important, but the other two of which were called none other than Obito and Kakashi! …Or at least we can assume that the goggle-wearing kid in Kakashi's old picture was his good old friend Obito. But it's not like it matters, so let us move on.
Anyway, Kakashi graduated the Shinobi Academy at the tender age of five, so we can assume that Yondaime had been training him ever since he himself was about 14. Which is jaw-droppingly awesome in both cases, but it's also beside the point, so forget it was ever brought up. Suffice to say Yondaime kicked ass and his students kicked ass too, which made Yondaime kick even more ass. Everything was going swimmingly.
Then, one fateful day, one of Yondaime's random ninja assistant guys knocked on his door, changing everyone's lives forever, though none of them knew it. So this guy knocked and Yondaime said, "Come in," so the guy, naturally, came in.
"What is it?" asked Yondaime dismissively. It was barely 8 in the morning, and he hadn't had his daily cup of java yet, so he was understandably a bit cranky. Pay him no mind.
"I just wanted to inform you that your new secretary is here, sir," said the guy.
"Yes, yes, show whoever it is in," Yondaime said, waving an impatient hand. So the guy stepped aside, and in behind him walked… WHOA.
Yondaime immediately perked up. The girl standing in front of him was a total babe. And was that his imagination or was she sending him signals…? She slowly strolled up to the desk, hips swerving seductively, and paused a few feet in front of him, making a respectful yet very feminine little bow before tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, smiling at him… wow. Yes, she was definitely sending signals. Ohhhh yes. Whoa there, partner. Slow down before you start drooling or something. He stood up and offered his hand.
"Very pleased to meet you, er…" he trailed off and waited.
"Monica," she said, accepting and shaking his hand. Her eyes dropped for a moment to give him a brief once-over and then she met his eyes again, her smile widening. Yondaime felt a little shiver run through him as he grinned back.
"Um… I'm just going to… uh… go now," the other guy said, since he was still standing there and things were quickly becoming very, very uncomfortable.
"You do that," Yondaime said, and the guy left speedily.
"So…" said Yondaime, turning back to his new secretary. "…Do you have a map?"
She blinked. "No… why?"
"Because I think I'm lost in your eyes," he said oh-so-suavely.
Monica blushed girlishly. "Oh, you…"
Yondaime smoothly slid his hand behind her waist. "Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print."
Then followed a scene for which we must sadly pull a window blind down over.
A couple weeks later, Yondaime was strolling down the hall inwardly patting himself on the back for being the pimpingest daddy ever, when suddenly another random assistant guy ran up to him, gasping for breath and looking panicked.
"What's wrong?" Yondaime asked, hoping this man wasn't going to spoil his good mood. Alas.
"Hokage-sama, I'm… I'm afraid…" The guy trailed off and looked extremely awkward. "…Maybe you should come and see for yourself."
Yondaime raised a puzzled eyebrow, but nonetheless followed the guy over to a window near the front of the building. The guy reached to pull back the shades, but then paused. "Um… just so you're prepared, sir… this might be a little shocking."
He pulled back the blinds just enough so that Yondaime could see a ginormous crowd of people standing in front of the Hokage building. Yondaime gasped.
"Yes, sir. I'm afraid the press has apparently caught on to some new rumor, and now they won't leave us alone…"
"Rumor?" Yondaime's eyes widened. "What rumor?"
"Well… sir, the word on the street is that you've… uh…"
Yondaime waited, but the guy just trailed off again and looked away. There was a very long moment of silence. Yondaime was just getting half a mind to smack him when suddenly, the door burst open and in came running a young chuunin wearing sunglasses whom we shall call Aoba because… that's his name.
"HOKAGE-SAMA!" he cried. "Is it true? You had sex? WITH YOUR SECRETARY!"
He said this all very loudly and conspicuously.
Yondaime blinked for a moment as it sunk in. Slowly, he leaned back against the wall and then smacked his forehead. Meanwhile, the guy who had pulled back the blinds took it upon himself to punt Aoba out of the room.
Press conferences. The bane of a Kage's existence.
Yondaime stared at the humongous crowd that had gathered to hear him talk about his sex life. He moaned.
"Perhaps we should just blow them up, Hokage-sama?" suggested another of his random underling guys helpfully.
"No…" Yondaime sighed. "That'd probably just wind up coming around to bite us in the ass later."
"I see…" the young man said. "Well, then… good luck."
With a sigh and a nod, Yondaime strolled out onto his Hokage balcony. The crowd immediately became ten times louder as questions darted out at him from all over the place.
"Hokage-sama! Hokage-sama!" shouted some person with a pencil tucked behind his ear. "Are the rumors about you and this woman true?"
"Excuse me, Hokage-sama!" squealed another reporter-nin frantically. "How long has this affair been going on?"
"Is it true that this so-called 'Monica' is really a guy and you are actually secretly gay?" cried a third.
"No, it hasn't, and NO!" Yondaime shouted over the din, rubbing at his temples.
"Yondaime Hokage-sama, Shinobi Weekly would like to know if you and this bright young woman are planning on getting married!" exclaimed a female nin wearing pink sunglasses.
"Hokage-sama, are you concerned that this scandal may drop support for you and the Leaf right before the upcoming Chuunin Exam?" questioned a somber-looking guy with a beard.
"Hokage-sama, just a quote from you please—was she good?" the pink sunglasses nin added eagerly.
"For the last time, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" Yondaime bellowed.
"…Well, fine, be that way," muttered the pink nin, raising her sunglasses up to pull down one eyelid and razz him.
Yondaime made a perturbed sort of 'nrrrghh!' noise which clearly said that this conversation was through, and turned to leave.
He had just reentered the building when he bumped smack into… Jiraiya. "Oh… hey, Sensei…"
"Is it true, Blanky?" asked Jiraiya, straight to the point.
Yondaime sighed, looked around him cautiously, and then rubbed his temples again. "Yeah…"
Jiraiya winced. "Oooh boy." He thumped Yondaime on the back. "Well, at least you got lucky, eh?"
"Shut up." Yondaime sighed for the umpteenth time. "What the heck am I supposed to do now? If it comes out that it's all true, how's that going to look for my image?"
"Well, Blank," said Jiraiya seriously, "…do you remember way back in the academy when you took Interrogation Prep?"
Yondaime nodded slowly, not seeing how basic torture-enduring methods really applied to the current situation.
"Do you remember the very first thing they taught you? The number one rule of interrogation?"
Yondaime blinked back at his teacher as comprehension slowly dawned.
"That's right, kiddo," Jiraiya grinned helplessly at him. "Deny, deny, deny."
A few weeks after that, the rumors were finally dying down and life was just starting to look good again. So of course, that meant that something else was about to come along and screw everything up, because that is just how life goes in Naruto.
And verily, something did come and screw up Yondaime's life again, and it was good. Except that it, of course, wasn't.
Yondaime was sitting in his Hokage chair ruffling various papers and thinking about sex when suddenly there came a knock on his door. "Come in," he said automatically. The door opened, and in walked…
"I'm sorry, Yondaime-sama," Monica said tearfully. "I'm afraid I'm… pregnant!"
Yondaime swore again.
Which brings us at last to a dreary October day approximately seven and a half months later. Yondaime was fretting about various things, but mostly how totally screwed he was, when suddenly there came yet another knock on his door and in rushed a random medic ninja.
"Hokage-sama! Sir, your girlfriend is—"
"She's not my girlfriend!" Yondaime whined. Then he realized that denying it made it sound even worse… considering she was having his kid. So he swore again and then looked up at the poor medic nin like everything was somehow his fault. The medic nin gulped and quickly finished mumbling, "…she's in labor…"
"What?" Yondaime said blankly. (Ha! Look at that; an unintentional pun!)
"I said your gir—uh… that is… Monica… well, she's, uh… kind of in labor, sir."
Yondaime stared at him. Then his eyes widened and he leaped out of his chair, tripped over his desk and fell back into his chair. Shaking his head slightly, he sprung up again at last and ran out of the room.
…Or he would have, except that at the exact moment he reached the door, it suddenly swung open again and beamed him right in the nose, knocking him flat onto his ass. As he winced and blinked the stars out of his vision, feeling his face to make sure everything was still there, he heard a familiar voice screaming at the top of its lungs.
"HOKAGE-SAMA! Is it true? Kyuubi is back? AND HE'S AFTER KONOHA!"
Eyes widening, Yondaime looked up just in time to see Aoba punted out of the room yet again. Then it sunk in what the man had just said, and he groaned and smacked his forehead, only to groan again because it hurt. Oh yeah…
"Sir!" Another man had rushed into the room. Yondaime breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that this new person was in fact a jounin, and therefore presumably in possession of an actual brain. "I'm afraid it's true, sir—Kyuubi has returned and he is attacking!"
Yondaime was, meanwhile, first trying to determine if it had indeed been one hundred years already, and then cursing his excruciatingly bad luck as he realized it was true. He then pondered what to do about this unfortunate new situation. And god damn it, his head hurt too.
"I need an aspirin," he muttered.
"Here, sir," the jounin said, handing him a pill. Jounins were, after all, always prepared. Kind of like Boy Scouts.
"Thank you," Yondaime said. He swallowed the aspirin, then frowned, deep in thought. Well, this was it. His moment to prove himself. Damn, his luck really was bad… As the Hokage he was duty-bound to protect the village from anything and everything, but who would have expected that evil, immortal youma were included along with all of that? No wonder the Sandaime had been so anxious to find a replacement. He'd known all along! Yondaime inwardly cursed all of Sarutobi's descendents to be doomed to have stupid names and the worst taste in headwear ever.
But there was, unfortunately, no more time to continue wasting cursing his predecessor. Standing up with a firm resolve, he nodded once at his underlings, then sped off to go battle the fox demon.
It wasn't really hard to find the dude; he just followed the trail of bloody carnage and destruction until he finally arrived to witness the Kyuubi thrashing about and knocking things over with its tails.
"OI!" Yondaime bellowed. Kyuubi paused and looked down at him.
"Cut it out!" Yondaime ordered.
"…No," Kyuubi said.
"I'm warning you—I just so happen to be the Fourth Hokage of this village, meaning that it's my responsibility to protect it from anything and everything. Which basically means that if you don't cut it out right now, I'm going to have to pwn your ass into the next continent."
"HA! Just try it!" Kyuubi laughed. Then, just for good measure, he leaned his head down and ate the two ninjas nearest to him. They just so happened to be the Uminos, and Yondaime winced. They were good people, even if they had just been standing there stupidly next to each other a moment ago, basically just asking to be eaten. And they had a kid too, which was sad. Yondaime gritted his teeth.
"Fine, then. Let's go, bitch!" Biting his thumb till it bled, he formed five seals and aimed his palm down. "KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"
A giant red frog appeared out of nowhere beneath him, thankfully missing all the other fighting ninjas by benevolent coincidence. "…Hey," the frog said, sounding annoyed.
"Sic him, Gamabunta!" Yondaime ordered.
"…Isn't that Kyuubi?" Gamabunta asked, completely ignoring him.
"No," Yondaime said promptly.
Gamabunta stared at him. Or would have, but Yondaime was kind of standing right on top of his head, so it was awkward. But Yondaime got the gist of it.
"…Okay, fine, he is," Yondaime amended. "But dammit… sic him anyway!"
"But isn't he kind of… you know… immortal?" Gamabunta pressed onward.
Yondaime just barely restrained himself from throwing a little tantrum. "YES, he's immortal, but he's destroying the village! PLEASE! Just sic him already!"
"Fine…" Gamabunta grumbled, and pounced abruptly at Kyuubi, who had just been standing there politely until they decided to attack. Kyuubi leapt gracefully aside and you could totally tell he was scoffing at their lame attempt to pounce at him. So Gamabunta glared and spit out a bunch of oil, and Yondaime promptly lit it on fire with his mad ninjutsu skillz. "TOAD OIL CANNON!"
Kyuubi, being practically made of fire already, only sort of yawned and waited for them to finish, before leaping at them with claws extended.
"o.O" said Gamabunta and Yondaime together as they just barely jumped out of the way.
"Yondaime, this guy is really powerful," said Gamabunta, stating the obvious as he huffed and puffed.
"You think?" Yondaime replied.
"I have to level with you, kid—I don't think I can beat him," Gamabunta said grimly.
"What?" Yondaime demanded. "Why?"
"Well, because… he's, like, a demon… and I'm… a frog…"
Yondaime sighed. "Fine. I always have to do everything myself, don't I…" With that, he leapt suddenly off of Gamabunta and landed squarely… on Kyuubi's back.
"HEY!" screeched Kyuubi, outraged.
"Oh, put a sock in it," Yondaime said. He began to form an unbelievably complex seal pattern that took about five minutes but looked really cool so everyone pretty much just stood there and watched anyway. As he reached the last few seals, he tossed one last melodramatic glare at Gamabunta, then shouted, "FUUIN JUTSU! SHIKI FUUIN!"
Shinigami abruptly appeared out of nowhere. "Whoa-ho-ho," he said, just kind of floating there as he looked around him in surprise. "You guys have sure been busy…"
"Shut up and help me seal him," Yondaime muttered. Gamabunta stared at him, because of course he couldn't see Shinigami standing there casually looking around at them all, so things looked understandably odd to him at this particular moment in time. Sucks to be him.
Shinigami shrugged and worked his magic. Kyuubi's eyes bugged out comically as he was sealed into Yondaime and disappeared. When it was all over, Yondaime stood there alone, panting.
"Nice work, kid!" said Gamabunta obliviously. "Knew you could do it!" With that said, he promptly poofed away into nothingness. Leaving Yondaime still just standing there.
"You do know that the contract we just worked out means you die now, right?" Shinigami added unnecessarily.
"Yeah…" Yondaime sighed. He was just about all ready to die, but he had the oddest feeling that there was still something he had forgotten, something he ought to take care of in his last few moments…
Then he remembered. "Oh, shit."
Yondaime stood in the hospital room, feeling the last bits of his remaining life force slowly ebbing away from him. For the eleventy-first (but really only the eighth; we counted) time in this fic, he sighed. Apparently, Monica had died during childbirth. They had waited for him to cut the umbilical cord. (You would think, considering he was out battling the immortal demon, that they'd have finally said, 'screw it' and done it themselves, but noooo…)
Yondaime looked at the newborn baby laying on a cushion before him. He was the spitting image of his dad. Yondaime wondered if he'd inherited his pimpability along with his looks. He could only hope, since he would apparently never have the chance to teach him. Alas.
Maybe he could at least leave the kid with a little bit of protection, seeing as in a moment he would no longer have any parents…
Forming the seals one last time, he grinned wryly at the baby blond. "Sorry for fucking up your life, son." Then the seal appeared on the boy's navel, and Yondaime just sort of died anticlimactically.
Sarutobi rubbed tiredly at his temples. "…So he actually sealed Kyuubi within the infant?" he said at last.
"He said he wanted Naruto—that's his name—to be regarded as a hero and savior of the village," the young Anbu before him reported dutifully.
Sarutobi sighed. "Great… just great."
"Shouldn't you make the announcement to everyone?" the Anbu pressed.
"Are you kidding me? We can't tell anyone about this…"
The Anbu frowned. (No, he wasn't wearing his Anbu mask. Obviously.) "Why not?"
Sarutobi gave him an isn't it obvious? look. "Because it's scandal, Hatake." The 'duuuuuuh' was left unsaid, but you could tell it was there.
Kakashi looked at the Sandaime incredulously. "Huh? How the hell is it a scandal?"
"We can't smear the late Yondaime Hokage's good name by admitting to everyone that he actually did have an affair with his late secretary and then sealed the Kyuubi into his bastard child!" Sarutobi said firmly.
Kakashi gaped at him.
"That's why you're not telling them?" he said at last.
"I'm sorry, boy, but that's that. The villagers will just have to deal," Sarutobi said, strolling off.
Ho hum. And that… was that.
In conclusion, dear reader, you now know the true reason that Naruto's parents have never been revealed: politics.