I do not own The Legend of Zelda, any of the characters, places, or even a lot of the dialogue! All belongs to Nintendo.

Time Travel, Drag Kings, and Why I Hate Hormones

By Link. Really.

Now, I've read my share of fanfiction in my time; in fact, as soon as I found out it existed I've been hooked, and there are some good stories out there, but that's all they are. Stories. I'm here to tell the truth, what really happened to me. The real me. Of course none of you will believe me, I don't expect you to, but I want to get my story out there. My story, the real story, and let me just say one thing: all those "retellings" of Ocarina of Time didn't even come close. Well, okay, close, but they left out one key detail. One very important detail that I cannot forget. No matter how much I want to. (Actually, Zel won't let me forget it. And this was her idea. Not mine. So back off.)

Chapter 1. Link's Awakening

I was immediately very aware of several things when I came to. I figured out where I was pretty fast, and the information I would need to cope with what had happened was somehow in my brain so I figured out what had happened fairly quickly, but that wasn't what grabbed my attention. One of the first thing I noticed was that I was tall, which I enjoyed very much (kids don't get much respect, even kids with swords). Another thing I noticed was my sword. When I was a kid it had been fairly small and I could ignore it until I needed it, but the sword I had no was much bigger, bigger than average I'd say, and it demanded attention. In case you can't tell I'm not talking about my actual sword here, that one I hardly noticed, the sword I'm talking about was in my pants, and painfully obvious. To put it in terms you modern people would understand; I had one hell of a boner.

(Yeah, yeah I know. Chill will you? I'll be saying things like this throughout the story. I think I got the slang right.)

This guy named Rauru was talking to me and I wasn't really paying attention (I was kind of busy trying to act like I wasn't horny beyond belief) but I figured I could ask Navi what he was saying later (she always listens to everyone). I didn't hear what he was saying at all until he pointed out that my body had grown. Yeah, like I hadn't already noticed that. Navi hadn't, oddly enough. The other thing that drew my attention rather quickly was all the new information in my head. Someone, or something (creepy), had planted the info about puberty and reproduction and all that jazz that you folks get in seventh grade, inside my brain. So I understood why my body was behaving the way it was, but not why it was doing it so strongly.

Anyway, Rauru told me it was my duty as the "Hero of Time" (nice title, but does it mean anything?) to free the six sages and save the world. Okay, cool, I can do that. Got a big shiny sword (the real sword this time), a fairy by my side, and a good two feet in added height. Plus, saving the world meant saving the Princess, and that had been the whole point of pulling out the Master Sword. It was all about Zelda. It had always been about Zelda. I wondered what Zelda looked like now… She had been an awfully cute kid, so she was probably a cute teenager. No, not cute, hot. With long long legs and that glistening blonde hair… Augh! Focus Link, focus!

Rauru sent me on my way and I found myself out of glowy blue land and back in the Temple of Time.

"Link," Navi said. "Let's go."

I nodded and stepped down off the Pedestal of Time and headed for the Door of Time (Pedestal of Time, Door of Time, Temple of Time, Song of Time, Ocarina of Time, I'm beginning to think the gods or whoever didn't have much imagination). Then, I heard (well, felt more than heard) something behind me. Slowly, carefully, I drew the Master Sword, then whirled around. A stringy, muscular young man, with most of his face covered by hair and a ridiculously high collar, stood on the Pedestal.

"I've been waiting for you Hero of Time," the guy said. "I am Sheik, Survivor of the Sheikah." He seemed, from what I could see, about my age, but was quite a bit shorter. He was blond, tan, had red eyes and was pretty muscular. His head, arms, and fingers were wrapped in gauze, and his vest, with the Sheikah symbol displayed upon it, was threadbare. He looked at me seriously. "As I see you holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the Hero of Time."

"Umm, yeah." I quickly put the sword away. "That's poetic and all, but who are you?"

The guy rolled his (surprisingly feminine) eyes. "I just told you, I am Sheik, of the Sheikah tribe."

I snorted. "Nice name."

"Be quiet," he replied, without missing a beat. After a moment's pause I grinned, and Sheik grinned right back. I was starting to like this guy.

"So…what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Helping," he answered. "I assume Rauru filled you in on the basics of what's happened."

"As soon as I'm gone the world turns to crap, yeah, I got that."

Sheik grinned again. "Something like that," he agreed. "But I'm here to tell you what to do next."

"That would be the sage thing, right?"

"Right." Sheik stared off over my head and began speaking in the formal tone he'd used at first. "When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages, who dwell in the five temples. One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One within the house of the dead… One inside a goddess of the sand. Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world."

I stared at Sheik. "You talk funny," I informed him. "Anyone ever told you that before?"

"No, actually," Sheik glared at me. "Most people think a certain amount of ceremony is more than appropriate, given the circumstances."

"So what am I supposed to do now?"

Sheik blinked those babelicious eyes. "You can't figure it out for yourself?"

"Throw me a bone here man," I pleaded. "Ten minutes ago, by my reasoning, I was ten and the world was fine. Well, more fine."

Sheik sighed, then spoke in that formal tone. "The first sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The sage is a girl I'm sure you know. Because of the evil power in the temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm... Unfortunately, equipped as you are, you cannot even enter the temple. If you want to save the forest girl, head towards Kakariko Village."

"Just say it in plain English," I said, "if it's not too difficult for you."

Sheik rolled his ruby-colored eyes. "A friend of yours is the Forest Sage, she's in the Forest Temple but you can't get to her until you get a piece of equipment that's in Kakariko. Is that clear enough for you or should I write it down?"

I grinned. I definitely liked this guy. "Very condescending," I complemented him. I put my hand over my heart. "I'm deeply hurt, right here."

Sheik grinned. "Get going," he said fondly, "it'll be dark soon, and you do not want to be in town after dark."

I didn't really understand that, but I shrugged and turned to go. Then stopped. "Come on Navi."

Navi bobbed out from behind Sheik. "It's okay Link," she reported. "He's just a regular human."

"I kind of figured that one out on my own." I smiled apologetically at Sheik and waved Navi on ahead of me. "See ya Sheik."

"Bye."

Once I was outside of the temple, the damage that Ganondorf had done became evident. The town was decimated. Completely destroyed. Little more than partially fallen, mostly charred walls remained underneath the seething black mass that had once been the sky. Looking back at the castle I saw more black clouds, more destruction, and a black monolith that rose from the earth where the castle had once stood. Warily I walked down the steps of the Temple and into what had been (only moments ago it seemed) the bustling town marketplace.

I heard the groans just in time. Those creepy spine-tingling moans that made your blood run cold and prepared you for the rotting gaze of a ReDead. Now, the key to not being paralyzed and (ugh) grabbed by a ReDead is simply to not look them in the eyes, but ReDeads have this really annoying and creepy power. The power to draw your gaze. If ReDeads are anywhere in your field of vision your eyes sort of slide to the side…and the next thing you know decaying arms are around your neck and a wet, rotting mouth is clamping down on your neck, draining your life (God, that's a turn-off). But messing around in graveyards is a surprisingly lucrative business and I knew the Sun's Song.

I paused before I put the Ocarina of Time to my lips. This was Zelda's. Zelda had played it, held it, entrusted it to me. And I had spent the last seven years doing absolutely nothing at all. I was suddenly reminded, once again, of why I had taken the Master Sword in the first place. I had to save Zelda, that was the whole point, and I doubted Zelda would have wanted my life to be drained away. I played the familiar notes of the Sun's Song, listened as the music froze the ReDeads in place, then ran through the market as fast as I could.

The drawbridge had been broken, and I had to swim like, two feet to get across it. Once I got a couple yards away from the city there was a sudden lightening. The bank of dark clouds that had obscured the sky in Castle Town, hovered only over Castle Town. The rest of Hyrule seemed (mostly) okay. Or at least wasn't covered in perpetual darkness. But I still wasn't sure just how messed up my world had become in my absence, so I decided to ask someone. I headed for the Lon Lon Ranch.