Warning: H/Hr bashing! )
Harry and Hermione's Discovery of Each Other and Ron turns Gay
Hermione looked up from her laptop screen to find Harry Potter staring down at her. "Oh, hello Harry."
"What's that?" he repeated.
"It's a laptop. It's a Muggle device, and yes, I know, they don't work on Hogwarts grounds but this story's author is too bloody lazy to have me discover our undying love for each other in a creative way."
"Did I?" Harry nodded.
"Oh well, she's writing me a bit off-character too...just so the plot works out, you know? Anyway...I came across this great site, look." Hermione pointed to the screen revealing a Harry/Hermione fan site. "And, look, it says here that you and I are destined to be together! I mean, sure there's no canon for it and the fans are too dimwitted to realize that we're completely platonic friends but, hey! They called us the Pumpkin Pie ship! Isn't that just sweet? It means nothing but I adore pumpkin pie...that's good enough, isn't it?
"Well, look there's plenty of evidence here! The hug at the end of the second movie which has absolutely nothing to do with the books, the kiss at the end of book four which was completely friendly, not romantic, and ooh! This one's my favourite! When you dumped your galleons into the Ministry of Magic wishing pool for me! (A/N: see www. deathtohhshippers. funtigo. com for that one...without the spaces of course) You never told me you did that! How sweet!"
"I didn't do it for you. They misinterpreted the excerpt."
"Either way, I think it's just brilliant proof that you and I should be together don't you think?"
"Sure...Well since we are destined, and I'm the main character and the hero always gets the girl, let's go make hot, rampant love to each other just because." Hermione blushed slightly.
"Sounds good to me." Harry took Hermione's hand and dragged her out of the library, forgetting about her laptop. Sure, they cost hundreds, but this is a Harry/Hermione fic, so either way it doesn't make any sense. While running down the hallway, they bumped into Ron.
"Hi, Ron," Harry said.
"Hi. What're you doing?"
"Looking for a broom closet." Ron doesn't bother to ask why because according to the same site, Ron is "just a sidekick" and sidekicks are just plain stupid, right?
"Did you know," Hermione spoke up, "That over half of Harry/Hermione fans think Ron should be gay and go out with Neville?" Neville magically appears at Ron's side.
"Well, would you look at that!" Ron said, amused.
"Well, Hermione and I are off to make wild, scorching love to each other because the fans said so," Harry finished and started to pull Hermione behind him again.
"Of course!" Ron said, "I mean, why didn't I see it before?! The hero always gets the girl, right?" Harry nodded.
"That's what I said."
"And I've been wasting all my time thinking Hermione and I would get together!" All four of them snorted and collapsed into fits of giggles. "Like, hello!" Ron choked, "Even JK Rowling said Hermione and I were destined, but-" he inhaled sharply "I actually believed her!" Everyone laughed again. "What the bloody hell was I thinking?! I mean, sure she's the author and they are her books and we do belong to her and only she knows the outcome of the whole series, but seriously!"
"I know!" said Ginny, who just happened to be walking by. "Even though Harry and Hermione have shown no interest in each other throughout all of the books they still must be together, mustn't they?"
"We'll we're going now," Harry said and he and Hermione magically disappeared from the hallway to continue their...ah...escapades.
"Shall we go Neville? Since us as a couple is even less likely than Harry and Hermione, the shippers are just cruel and think it funny to see us as gays?"
"Sure." And together they walked down the hall, hand in hand because this story is very twisted and it is so obvious that H/Hr is going to happen, so that leaves Ron to wallow in his misery and choose a different path as a homo because, duh! That's just the way it is.